I SLOWLY opened the door and peeked inside the house. I saw papa in his wheelchair but mama was not there. I turned around and saw mama who was in the bathroom and looked like she was doing laundry. I went back to papa then approached him and sat on the floor. I grabbed his foot and gently massages it.
I looked at papa as I massaged his foot. He was staring at me so I smiled and looked back at his foot. I know he is wondering what is wrong with me because this is the first time I did this. I pressed his legs slowly.
I did not blame him for what happened to him, to us, because I know he doesn’t like what happened either. I’m having a hard time, but I don’t know how to get away. I don't want mama to have a hard time and I also don't want Janel to stop her studies. I don’t know how to help them in a way that we won’t fail.
I know there are many sensible jobs I can get into. But the question is, it be enough for our needs? Will it be enough for dad's medications? It is enough for all the expenses even if mama has a bubble tea shop? Can that job help Janel studies?
I have no right to complain because dad then did everything for us without him complaining. Exposed to the sun, wet from the rain. Even feeling unwell but never missed going to work. Because a day’s wages are also equivalent to a day’s expenses. He did every thing for this family. To give every thing we need. To support our needs.
It happens that his income is fine, but if it is not enough for us or is still insufficient. I'm sure he won't hesitate to hold on to the knife or did something bad to give us a good life. Just like what I did right now.
I couldn't help myself and put my head on papa's thigh. I did not notice that I am crying already. I don't want to blame him. I love my family and I will do everything for them. I am not complaining but I am tired for everything. I want to at least lessen my burden.
"Mi----a." Papa tries to call my name. I also felt one of his hands on my head.
“Let me, Pa. I want to reduce the weight on my chest. I don't know who I'm going to cry for. I don't know how to ease my heart.” I felt his soft and slow caress on my head. So my sobs got louder. The first time I did it in front of my papa.
It's only now that I feel everything how I feel. I used to be able to handle any difficulty and chaos of the situation. But why now do I feel I have lost all my stamina today. Why just now I feel tired? I feel so weak and I feel like I can't get up.
If only Jr. hadn't shown up again. I hope I never experience being weak again. I hope I'm still Mia who is numb and strong. Because of his presence, the old Mia came back because of someone the old me knows that the once I rely is already here and willing to support me again.
“I'm sorry, I'm sorry if I didn't become a good child and I didn't reach your dreams for me. I'm sorry because my life wouldn't have been like this if I had listened to you before.” I apologized while sobbing. “I'm sorry if I didn't study as well as you wanted. I let you all down, Pa, and I hope you will forgive me.”
“I love you all, and this is the only way I know to help. Sorry if this is the only way I know. But I hope you understand that I would rather sink alone as long as I can see you above while looking at me below.”
I could still feel him continue to caress my head.
"We..love… you .. Mi… a…" Papa said weakly and slowly. Upon hearing those words my sobs got louder.
‘I love you all too, Pa. I will do everything for this family.'
After crying in front of papa I felt a little lighter than the weight I was carrying on my chest. With his gentle caress that even though he doesn’t answer me I felt my problem diminished. Even though he didn’t know the reason why I cried, I am still happy because he took pity on me. This is all I need, to have sympathy.
I PEEKED through the door and saw that all the lights in the living room and kitchen were off. I went out and made sure no one was outside. When I am sure they were all asleep I left the house. I will go to Dylan and there I will sleep.
I just suddenly missed him.
I took every step slowly so as not to be disturbed until I could get out of the house. As soon as I came out of the gate I saw Jr. walking and looked like he is going home. Here is his way to the side of our house. I was about to go back but he saw me. I can't go back inside because he might think something else so I went straight outside.
"Mia, why are you outside?" he asked as he approached me.
"I'm going somewhere," I replied.
"It's late."
“I’m used to being outside. The road has become my life from time to time.”
"But ---"
"I'm going to Dylan," I interrupted what he was going to say and then called a motorcycle parked not far away.
"Mia," he called my name and then held my hand.
"We've talked, haven't we?" I took my hand back.
"Be careful," I just nodded in response.
The motor I called off arrived just in time.
"I'll go." I did not hear him answer. When I got on the motor, I immediately said Dylan's address. It was only a few minutes and we arrived immediately.