I was just sitting here in mama’s garden while looking at her plants. I noticed the roses starting to bloom. Even the other flowers have already started to open their petal.
I breathed in the fresh air. I still close my eyes as I take a deep breath. Remembering happy and sad pasts.
"Mia." I suddenly turned to the who calls. I saw Jr. standing on my back and he was carrying two bubble tea flavored taro. I just looked at him and then nodded to come closer.
"For you," he reached for a bubble tea.
"Thank you," I said then smiled at him.
"Can I sit down?" he asked while pointing to the opposite chair.
"All right, it's free." When he sat down he set his drink down on the table.
I reached into my pocket to get a cigarette. But when I looked at the box, it was empty. I just put the empty box as well as the lighter on the table.
Maybe I can also quit smoking slowly. That's why I smoke because I'm always with Dylan. Because I get calm when I smoke. From the occasional stress reliever. Now that I am not with him and I am no longer into selling illegally there is no reason to continue smoking.
“I don't think I see you with your boyfriend anymore. Then you hang out at your mom's shop more often and stay here at your house.”
I drank bubble tea and then sat down at the table.
"We broke a week ago," I said smiling.
He sat up and then looked at me.
“Is it because of what happened? When you sleep at home?” I shook my head.
"No, we really just agreed to separate," I replied. I don’t need to go into further detail on what happened to Dylan and me. About the real reason. He didn't even need to know about our job.
"Are you alright?" he asked with accompanying concern.
"Of course, we happily broke up."
"Are you sure?"
I laughed at his question.
"Why, doesn't it look like that?"
He did not answer my question.
“I'm fine, I'm sad because I'm no longer with him and I'm used to him always by my side. But I'm not hurt because we separated in a nice way.”
He nodded in agreement.
"Why are you here?"
“Ah, I passed you sitting here when I bought bubble tea. So I took two to go through here before I went home. I missed hanging out here with you.”
The two of us met and stared at each other but I also avoided it.
I sighed. Maybe this is the right time to let go of everything I feel to somehow reduce what I’m carrying. I mean, I’ve moved on with my life and the organization we have.
But I can't deny that I still have a little to carry. Those who want to say and want to release.
We didn’t have a clear conversation with Jr. about what happened to me. I didn’t release to him all my thoughts and everything that happened. Maybe this is the right time to finish what should be finished. To us, to him, to me and the past and then a new beginning.
I looked at mama's plants.
"Do you know that I blame you for why all this happened to me?"
I didn't hear him answer so I continued.
“I blame you because if you hadn't left I wouldn't have met Dylan and I wouldn't have been a pusher. I hope I don't end up like this because you are there to support me and correct my point of view.” I looked at him. “Because you can calm me down and hold me. You can understand me and you know how to preach to me.”
"Mia."
“But you left me to find yourself. My life is messed up without you when I have nothing to cling to. I know I shouldn't blame you because it's not your fault what happened in our lives. But would you blame me if you were the one I was looking for during times when my life was chaotic and I no longer knew what to do? And I seek sympathy that will not only be understood but I will be free to express everything I feel.”
I sighed.
“It's you J, not my family. You were what I needed then because you are the only one I can freely express all my thoughts. But you are not here, no one here with me and I ended up feeling alone.”
“I also blame myself because I hope you come back. But I blame you more because you left me alone. You let me be complacent that you were just there. Eventually, you left me wondering how to stand without you.”
"Mia."
"Because I can't accept your reason that you still need to stay away just to find out for yourself. While I did not ask you to love as much or more than you love Adeline. All I ask of you is that you stay in me. But you didn't give it to me.”