So . . . yeah.
Tumawa siya. Pero taliwas iyon sa naramdaman ko. Para kasing may kumurot sa puso ko matapos kong mapakinggan iyon.
This is the last voice message.
After this, I will be gone.
After this, I will permanently be away from all of you.
And I hope, you'd be glad to know what I am about to do. Kasi after all naman, this is what you want. Me ending my own life. Me fading out of the narrative I should not be. Me waking up from my delusional fantasizing that life could be better for me but no, my life was nothing but a painful journey.
No, Marco.
Life is never what you think.
You are just being blinded by the circumstances. Nothing will ever go to right places if you continue living with that mindset. Life is a rough road, you got to be your own silver linings.
It's been a long day.
It's been long hours of me fighting with my own self.
Pero walang nagbago.
Walang nagpabago ng isip ko.
That was the reason why I can't stop myself now. I have to be firm with my own decision.
I will die tonight.
I will end it all tonight.
His voice . . .
It was full of conviction. Just like a bottle of cemented confidence, he is ready to face the end of the rope.
And it's bullshit.
The feeling I get from it is borderline dreadful.
I . . . will face the latter part now with me killing myself. With me, hanging my head to this sweet little rope.
Naubusan na ng hangin ang mga baga ko.
Doon ko lang napagtantong kanina ko pa pala pinipigilan ang hininga ko. Iyon ang dahilan kung bakit ako naglabas ng malalim na hangin mula sa mga baga ko.
Ang sakit pakinggan ni Marco.
Nakakapanghinang magpatuloy.
Hanggang sa makarinig ako ng tunog galing kay Marco. He seems like moving things. It's a wood colliding against the tiles.
Napapikit ako.
Nanginginig ang katawan ko.
Sumisikip ang dibdib ko.
Ngayon, hawak ko na ang tali. It is firmly hanging at the ceiling. I made sure that it is strongly knitted. Para wala nang take two. Para wala nang bawian. Para wala nang urungan.
Ilang segundong walang nagsalita.
Kasabay iyon ng pagkawala muli ng hangin mula sa aking mga baga.
There.
Ipinasok ko na sa ulo ko ang tali. It is currently hanging on my neck. Waiting for me to kick the wooden chair I am standing in.
I let out a deep breath.
No, Marco!
Hanggang sa bumilis ang paghinga ko. Kasabay ng pagbilis ng tibok ng puso ko. Kasabay ng lungkot na mabilis na sinasakop ang buong sistema ko.
After my death tomorrow, I hope every sad events that remind you of me will be eluded just like how I did to myself.
After my death tomorrow, I hope I fully paid all of my father's crime.
Walang bahid ng lungkot sa kanyang boses. Desidido na siya. The demons inside his head won. And he is about to do the prize they got from winning over his mind.
By ending his life.
After my death tomorrow, I hope that it would be worth it.
Good bye.
Then his voice faded.
As well as his life from that parallel universe.
And I was left here, crying and sobbing at the same time as if it is happening at the moment. As if I was the Margot of that parallel universe.
And I can't help but to stab my own heart.
I can't help but to feel the burning emotion against crying over a boy who never exists on my universe.
I can't help but to flood my eyes with my painful tears.
It was a long moment of me being succumbed by my own tears and sobs when I decided to grab ahold of the letter from my future self. It was the last one.
To Margot,
Today is his birthday.
It's next week.
Shit.
Alam kong birthday niya ngayong araw. Pero dahil sa mataas ang pride ko, nagpatuloy ako sa hindi pag-pansin sa kanya.
Kung alam ko lang na ito na ang kahuli-hulihang araw na makakasama ko siya, sana talaga ay hindi na ako nagmatigas pa.
I have a ton of bad things I want to throw at you. But I chose not to mumble any. My heart is too fragile to bitch you.
Wala akong nagawa kundi ang humugot na lang ng malalim na hininga.
It's seven o'clock in the evening when we received the voice messages from him. It's a suicidal message. Gusto niyang magpasalamat sa amin dahil sa mga memories na nabuo niya kasama kami. And at the same time, gusto niyang burahin sa utak namin ang mga kasalanang nagawa namin sa kanya. Because as per him, it was entirely his fault.
Nagpa-paalam na siya. Humingi siya ng tawad sa lahat ng abala at sakit na idinulot niya sa amin. Gusto niyang kalimutan na niya namin siya.
Gusto niyang mabuhay kami ng payapa dahil deserve daw namin iyon. Natatandaan ko pa ang huling nakalagay doon sa message niya na talagang dumurog sa puso ko nang sobra, "After my death tomorrow, I hope that it would be worth it."
Huli na nang malaman namin kung bakit siya nagpapaalam. It's because he found out the suicide note that his father had left him. There, we found out that what happened to his father is not a crime at all. He wad depressed financially. Hindi na niya alam ang gagawin sa buhay. Kung papaano patuloy na pag-aaralin si Marco dahil nabaon na sila sa utang. That was the reason why he plotted his death. He wanted to kill himself by infflicting pain against others. All because he can't kill himself. He wants others to kill him. To perish him right away.
That time, tumakbo ako nang mabilis na mabilis papunta sa bahay nina Marco. Ganoon na rin si Magne na mangiyak-ngiyak nang makasalubong ako. Pati na rin si Vaeden nang makasalubong namin siyang tumatakbo papasok ng subdivision nina Marco.
Pero huli na ang lahat nang makarating kami sa bahay niya.
Nandoon si Diyes, humahagulgol sa pintuan habang nakatingin kay Marco na nakasabit ang katawan mula sa lubid na nakatali sa kisame.
He's lifeless.
It was a view that we don't want to remember anymore.
Nakabukas ang kanyang mga mata noon. Tanging kalungkutan lamang ang nakita namin sa kanyang mukha. It was too painful to look at.
It was heartbreaking.
It was the only view of him that I want to erase from my memories because everytime I remember it, my heart breaks into pieces and it will always take a long time for it to be fixed again. It has this lingering pain that always break my heart apart that all I can do is to just cry.
Most especially, that view only reminds us of how unworthy we are for him. It was our fault. Marco would've been saved from his condition if it wasn't because of our pride.
Nag-unahan na naman ang luha sa aking mga mata.
I cover my mouth.
Trying to hide my painful sobs from my parents.
That moment, we tried to revive him. We tried everything but he was declared dead on arrival when we reached the Hospital. Napuno kami noon ng iyakan. Tanging malakas na hagulgol na lang namin ang narinig ng mga nandoon sa hospital noong mga oras na 'yon.
Pero sa huli, hindi namin iniwan si Marco sa natitirang araw ng burol niya. Wala na siyang pamilya. Kaya sa isang linggo ng burol niya ay hindi namin siya iniwan. Siniguro naming that time, hindi na niya mararamdaman na nag-iisa lang siya. Na wala siyang karamay sa buhay dahil ang totoo, marami kaming nagmamahal sa kanya.
Masaklap nga lang, huli na bago pa namin iyon ipakita sa kanya.
That was the greatest regret that we have up to these days and I don't want you to experience it. It was awful. It was painful that all you can do is to just cry.
Wala na akong magagawa noon kundi ang umiyak at magsisi. Wala na talaga akong magagawa para maibalik pa sa amin si Marco. Tapos na siya sa mundo namin. Wala na siya. Hindi na siya babalik pa.
If I could really take back the time where Marco's still alive, I would've done better. Pero tapos na ang lahat kay Marco sa mundo namin. Ang tanging magagawa ko na lang ngayon ay ang sagipin siya sa mundo mo. Kahit diyan manlang sana ay hindi na maulit ang pagkakamali namin.
Hindi sana ito mangyayari kung sana lang ay hindi namin siya pinilit sumama sa amin noong araw na 'yon. Ang pagkamatay kasi ng Papa niya ang puno't dulo ng lahat.
I know you can't erase the regrets that he has because of the death of his father but I want you to save his heart. You can't save him from his regrets but you can always save his life by giving him the unconditional love, inspirational support, and motivational push that he needs.
I want you to make him realize that giving up is not an option. He has to realize that life is way better if we learn to live with our mistakes because along the way, life will never be perfect. There will always be bad days but all he has to do is to just keep on surviving. Life is all about surviving and living the best out of it is the best decision that one could ever do.
Hindi pa huli ang lahat. Punuin mo ng masayang ala-ala ang puso ni Marco. Lunurin mo siya sa saya para kahit na papaano ay magkaroon siya ng dahilan para mabuhay.
Ikaw ang natitira niyang dahilan at alam kong hangga't nandiyan ka para gabayan at suportahan siya, alam kong hindi na niya gagawin ang ginawa niya dito sa mundo namin.
This will be my last letter for you, my 16-year-old self. I hope, you live your life with Marco to the fullest. Give him the life that he deserves. Please, make him stay alive.
Don't let yourself die with regrets after his death.
You can do it.
I know, you won't disappoint me.
I believe in you.