CHAPTER 21
MONTANA'S POV
The knock never came again and I was so glad. I quickly entered the bathroom, I felt so tired, like my bones were so tired plus the cold dungeon hard ground. A massage would be great but I guess people like me do not get that kind of privilege.
I stood before the mirror in my bathroom, pausing for a moment as I looked at myself in the mirror. Noticing the tiredness in my eyes and body, my neck, massaging it with my hands. I felt so dirty, well I was dirty and smelled badly too.
I began undressing, taking off every piece of dirt I had on me. I was already feeling dirty enough from the inside. As I undressed I started to remember everything that has happened today and the punishments that supported it all, the pain.
Now I stood there with just undergarments with my hands vibrating a bit. While still trying to steady my breathing and relax my mind. I felt so vulnerable and I hated it.
I started at the bathtub and started feeling it with hot water, mixing up with cold but the hot water was suitable for bathing. I need one so badly, I added some good oil and bathing salts it bubbles, whatever, had tried it before and it was so relaxing.
When I was done and dipped my hands into the water to be sure it was okay, I quickly got naked and went in. I lowered myself gently, my hands were still vibrating and I felt a little bit of tension leave my body, just a little bit.
I took deep breaths and leaned back to relax. I was still getting flashes of me in the dark cold attic added you with me in the dungeon as I allowed my body to float in the water.
My eyes were now closed, was going to find a means to feel some relaxation before going downstairs. I don't want anyone asking me questions cause I am not even sure I will have answers or will know how to answer any of them.
I reached for my scrub and took it, using it to scrub and cleanse my skin. But suddenly from being so gentle, I started scrubbing vigorously, the need to get clean from that dirty ground, I just wanted to scrub and scrub my embarrassment, everything I just needed to. I feel so hurt and tired and annoyed and just- I do not know how to explain.
While scrubbing I could feel it, that pain, that feeling coming back, figuring out I had never fully healed and all these just triggered but, I had no way out cause I am in love with the one who hurts me the most and still despite all that, I could not stop loving him.
My weak self and heart still yearned for him and his love and hoped one day that I would be able to receive it.
While thinking about it, I allowed myself to feel the emotions as I scrubbed more harshly but when I realized the intensity finally, I paused, "Deep breaths Montana, deeeeepp breaths", I tried calming myself, "Focus on one thing and just relax."
As I started getting myself, taking long deep breaths, and relaxing my mind, I shifted to scrubbing more gently and comforting, as I switched from aggression to self-care.
I added some more oil like lavender to make me fill more calm and put down my scrub, I relaxed into the water allowing the water to envelope me and now my eyes were closed.
And with my eyes closed, my whole body was not calm and tense free, I allowed the water to touch every part of my body soothingly. I felt so much better.
I thought I would be crying by now but I wasn't and finally, I was done with my bath, felt much better and I stood up, stepping out of the tub and wrapping myself in my robe.
I stood in front of the mirror again for my final look and when I was satisfied with it, I got dressed up for the night. Something nighty to have dinner with and can also sleep in.
Reaching downstairs everyone was already present as dinner was served. The whole dinner was quiet and I ate, finally, and drank some water.
I was not feeling too energized as the rest made small talk a few times.
"Is everything okay dear?", someone said but I was too lost to even figure out if the question was being referred to me or not, until Victoria who was by my side, tapped me.
"Oh, yes, sorry", I smiled and nodded.
"Are you sure? You seem like you are here with us but you are not", It was Alpha Lincoln's mum who was checking up on me.
"Yes Ma'am I am sure, please don't worry", I gave her a reassuring smile, even though it was not real.
"That is fine, but get used to calling me Mum or Mum Olivia... Ma'am is too formal and I have told you before dear", his mother said.
She is a nice lady, "Okay Mum Olivia", I decided to add her name and she nodded happily.
After everything I went back to being quiet and soon dinner was all over. I helped my kids up to their room, escorting them and then giving them each a kiss on their forehead while they had arranged themselves properly in bed.
I raised them to also be able to take care of themselves if I was not there but that did not mean I would stop taking care of them and treating them like my babies even though they are ten now because they are still my babies.
They stayed in the same room, but with different beds, "Would you guys like mummy to read a story or talk with her till you fall asleep?."
"No no no mummyyyy, Dad already agreed he would do that", They both said excitedly.
"Dad? Who's dad? I told you guys to refer to him as anything other than Dad, I am not sure he would like that", I said quietly and worriedly, thinking they had crossed too many boundaries and gotten too attached.
"It is okay, they asked me and I allowed them to", Alpha Lincoln's voice Interrupted us and immediately he walked into the room, my kid's eyes lit up so much, I was not even sure they had lit up that way for me before.
"Oh okay", I nodded softly and got up.
"It is okay, you can stay", Alpha Lincoln said.
"No, it is fine, they want you and not me", with that I left.