[A Special Interlude Brought to You by: Me. Kazuki. The Victim.]
So.
While the universe continues to gaslight me with magical girlfriend flags I never asked for, I figured it's time to take stock of what I'm actually up against.
This isn't a normal high school romcom anymore.This is a full-on genre survival scenario.
And if I'm the protagonist, I deserve to at least know everyone else's stats.
So here you go.
■ Character: Haruma Kazuki
Role: Supposed Protagonist.Curse: All inappropriate or genre-cliché thoughts become reality.
Stats
Power Level: 0 (Mentally radioactive.)
Willpower: 2/10 (Falls to temptation if there's a breeze.)
Romantic Awareness: -5 (Still believes girls just "being nice" is coincidence.)
Dangerous Thoughts per Day: 7 (on a good day)
Survival Rating: Questionable.
Signature Move: "NO I DIDN'T MEAN TO THINK THAT"
Comments:
"I'm not the pervert, the curse is!"— Kazuki, while hiding from himself in a laundry basket.
■ Character: Aya Minazuki (a.k.a. Noona Next Door)
Role: Childhood friend / Roommate / The only adult in this situation.Archetype: Sweet Big-Sister Type... but with tired sarcasm and a snack drawer full of revenge.
Stats
Cooking Skill: 8/10 (Accidentally domestic wife material.)
Teasing Power: 12/10 (Weaponized smugness.)
Protectiveness: Secretly maxed out.
Attraction Awareness: 100% (Knows exactly what Kazuki's brain is doing.)
Danger Level: Rising. Fast.
Special Ability:
"Mental Whiplash" — delivers emotionally confusing compliments with a side of verbal slaps.
Comments:
"If I end up in a hot spring scene because of you, I'm putting wasabi in your shampoo."— Aya, 90% joking.
■ Character: Natsuki-sensei (a.k.a. Sensei of Doom)
Role: Homeroom teacher / Nurse impersonator / Reality's biggest enablerArchetype: Chill older woman + Dangerous tease
Stats
Casual Intimacy Level: 9000
Home Invasion Frequency: Weekly
Outfit Danger Level: Contextually illegal
Teaching Skill: ?? (Does she even still grade tests?)
Deadpan Power: S-class
Signature Move:
"Oh, did I make you uncomfortable? That's my job."
Comments:
"It's not grooming if I'm just making miso soup."— Natsuki-sensei, terrifyingly sincere.
■ Character: Rika Kurose (a.k.a. Ice Queen with a Rice Cooker)
Role: Class rep / Perfectionist / Silent danger approachingArchetype: Kuudere with deeply buried dere
Stats
Organization Skill: 10/10 (Can alphabetize your soul.)
Emotional Expression: 3/10 (Blink twice if you're flirting.)
Unexpected Sweetness: Lethal
Text Message Power: Chills spine
Lunchbox Attack Damage: 1-hit KO
Special Ability:
"Precision Dere Bomb" — drops one sweet line per day that keeps you awake until 3AM.
Comments:
"I researched nutritional balance for you. Not because I care. But because it was... annoying not to."— Rika, seconds before I forgot how to breathe.
■ Character: ??? (a.k.a. The Brain Curse Itself)
Role: Villain. Or God. Or a badly coded wish.Function: Grants Kazuki's most inappropriate thoughts immediate reality-based consequences.
Stats
Logic Level: None
Timing: Perfectly awful
Narrative Sense: Feeds off tropes like fuel
Mercy Level: 0
Estimated Origin: Bad sleep + anime marathons + teenage hormones
Signature Move:
"You Thought It? Now Suffer It."
Comments:
"You imagined a nurse in an apron. That's on you, bud."— Probably the curse.
Kazuki's Final Thoughts:I need a helmet for my thoughts.Or a spiritual exorcist.Or a genre shift to horror so I stop summoning fanservice events.
At this point, I'd even accept a sports arc. Just something where no one's clothes fall off.