Tatty's POV
Goddess, why did I agree to this?
I love Carter I do, and I would do anything for him. I really would. But this right here, almost caused me to say no to the kid. But I didn't. No matter how badly I wanted to...I couldn't. I wasn't going to add to Carter's stress, and I could feel just how excited he was when he asked Sloan about his tiger...about Loren. I couldn't let him down.
So here I was fronting, which is nothing new to me. But it's the first time since being in this house and it was strange seeing it again. So close. Unlike Carter, I don't hold many happy memories here. Crispin's wolf, William, who I had assumed was my father never spoke to me much. Very rarely did he say things to me, but he was protective of Carter which is all that matters I suppose.
I have not told Carter this. And perhaps I should.
"Theodore." Loren's voice was music to my ears. It buzzed through me and made me feel like I was floating.
I was sitting on the couch, my legs tucked against me as I waited to see him again. I wouldn't say I wasn't happy, but I wasn't over the moon. There was history with Loren and me, from when we were young. It is what caused the dissonance between us, and I am sure Loren is going to want to talk about it today.
I peaked to look at him, and he stood with his shoulders back, and a dominace that wrapped around my throat, slightly choking me in such a pleasurable way. His eyes were glowing bright orange. Our favorite color. And I'm sure mine were glowing yellow to show my presence.
He slowly walked forward and sat on the opposite side of the couch. Leaving more than enough space between us.
"It's good to see you," Loren said, breaking the silence among us. "You look beautiful as always."
Loren was always such a sweet talker. He always knew the right thing to say and how to say it for me to let my guard down and fall into his trap. I was thankful that Carter had decided to give us privacy and was letting me block him out. I don't think I could handle knowing Carter was in the back lurking and listening and feeling what I was feeling about Loren.
'Out of respect for Carter, I will not speak.' I signed to him and he nodded. Though I could see the slight disappointment in his eyes. He has not heard my voice in years...and he might never again. Just that thought in itself is painful.
"Of course, I'd expect nothing less from you, Theo." He offered a small smile which I did not return.
'What is it that you wanted to speak about?' I asked quickly, knowing I should probably start the clock. I did only say five minutes. But I don't. Not yet.
"I wanted to talk to you about our last interaction. And apologize for my behavior. I think you interpreted it the opposite of what I had intended."
The last time I saw Loren was when Carter was seventeen, and Sloan was fifteen. He had just shifted and he changed in a lot of ways. This was before his graze so he had a hard time keeping Loren under control and sometimes he'd slip through. We'd never fronted at the same time though until a few months later.
Crispin and Dieter had said some words to Carter and I could feel him start to lose himself. So I took on the burden for him. I fronted as his fathers spat at him, and made him feel less than. I took it easily. Because I knew I could. I also blocked Carter out at that moment. He has no idea what was said to him, and he never will.
There are many holes in Carter's memory, only because they aren't his, they are mine. I only ever fronted when I knew the next thing that was said to him would break him. And I'd never let anything break Carter. Never.
I do remember that time it took longer than usual for Carter to come back to himself. So I had to spend most of the day out for him. Unfortunately, that time was also while the Mickayas were visiting. I was out walking, trying to find ways to occupy my time, and all of a sudden I felt a presence near me. I turned and there he was. Loren. Looming and staring.
When we made eye contact I felt my heart jump for joy. My body heated up, and I was a mess. I knew right then what we were. Again, Carter was blocked out so he had no clue that I had found our mate. Plus he was too young and wouldn't have accepted Sloan. But I knew. And I was filled with happiness.
Loren on the other hand was not.
I took a step towards him and he took a step back from me. He growled deeply at me and the way he looked at me was almost as if he were disgusted. I'm not quite sure...all I knew was that it hurt me. Badly. So very badly. Then he said a two-letter word that ripped me to shreds.
No.
He turned on his feet and ran away. Leaving me there, as a heartbroken mess. There are many things I can handle, but a rejection as obvious as that almost took me out. And if wasn't for the strong bond I have with Carter I would have lost myself. So I held on and I tried my best to bury it all deep down.
I tried my best to keep my animosity to myself but I failed. My feelings started to leak into Carter's, and he thought they were his. His annoyance toward Sloan grew, and the nickname 'tiger' did not come from him, but from me. When I looked at Sloan, that's all I saw. a tiger. An animal. It made it easier to cope with the pain. The pain of rejection.
I am ashamed of what I've done. I almost ruined Carter's chance at love because I was unable to control myself from the pain of that rejection.
As the years went on Loren tried many times to contact me. To apologized for his behavior, but I ignored it. And I was able to seeing as I rarely fronted since then. I was expecting that the moment he found out we were mates, we would be rejected. But I was surprised to find out that they wanted us.
So now here we are. Loren gave me pleading eyes as if he could cry at any time. And me in the corner of the couch, waiting for what he had to say.
"Theo, I didn't mean to say no. Or it wasn't in the way you think." He sighed and ran his hand over his hair. "I was not saying no to you. I'd never say no to you." I looked deep into his eyes and I saw there was nothing but truth in them.
'Then what was the no for?' I asked quickly, needing an answer.
"It was towards me. When I saw you, and I saw just how happy you were to see me. I wanted to grab you and do unspeakable things to you. As most mates would. But I couldn't. I couldn't do that to Sloan and I couldn't do that to Sloan, or Carter. No matter how badly I wanted to." His eyes were downcast and he looked as if he was begging me. Pleading me to believe him. There was so much desperation that came from him, it was surprising.
"I understand that I hurt you. You're valid in having anger towards me. I just needed to explain myself to you. I couldn't bear having you think that I did not want you. Especially when you are the only thing I've ever wanted."
His words were melting away pieces of my heart that I didn't know were frozen. I was beginning to get caught up in his gaze and the need to wrap my arms around him became too much. But then I thought what if the reason the bond between Carter and Sloan was slow and the reservations were still there because of me?
What if I was still leaking into Carter and I had no idea? I didn't want to be the cause of whatever dissonance was between Sloan and Carter, and perhaps my unwillingness to forgive Loren was putting strain on the bond.
'Does Sloan know?'
"No, he does not. He'd probably kill me if he knew the mistake I had made. Believe me when I say, I am so very sorry for what I've done."
I knew he was sorry. I could tell he was sorry. I felt it. But was I ready to fall for Loren? Was I ready to be protected and not the protector?
I was fine and more than willing to take the hits of life, and the hurtful words that were directed towards Carter. I would protect him with my all. But when it came down to my own heart...that was different. I was unable to protect myself sometimes. I got too excited. Too giddy...and I found myself breaking my heart.
'Can I trust you?' I signed to him slowly. Unsure of why I'm asking, but I guess it did matter to me. It mattered that not only Carter felt safe but I did too.
"Theodore, I see the way you care for Carter. You give yourself fully to him. It's admirable. But it breaks my heart because who is doing that for you?" His words struck a cord in me and I could feel my eyes begin to water. "I want to be that for you. If you allow me to. You'd protect Carter, but I'd protect you. That is a promise."
Fuck.
I believed him.
I nodded slowly and that must have been enough for Loren as a smile covered his face. His eyes lit up even more and I saw that his hands twitched but he balled them quickly. Most likely resisting the urge to reach out to me and hold me.
'Five minutes are up.' I don't know why I said it. I don't even know that to be true. It could have been longer and I had no idea. Loren must have paid attention to the time because his face held amusement rather than anger at my leaving.
"I looked forward to many more moments like this."
Yeah...me too.