I reached for the thing next to one of the legs of the table in front of the couch, it was an envelop.
"What's that?"
"Its called an envelop."
"Uhm....okay." I sat back on the bed next to Bel and opened the envelope, it contained money and a paper, the paper says;
The girl is behind the wardrobe, take a cab to the coast line, there is a boat there waiting for you both, it will take you to river Niger, when you get there walk to the main road, there is a car waiting for you, the car is yours, you'll know it when you see it, I owe you no explanations, you'll have to get to your destination by road, sorry for the discomfort, take good care of the girl, you can use the money for whatever you want. There is fifty thousand dollars in the envelope, make sure you reach the coast line before 12:00pm if not you'll miss the boat, no food in the boat so buy some, rest assured we'll meet again.... soon, take good care of your self and the little girl.
Canvas.
"What is in it?"
"We'll get to Nigeria first by sea, then home by road but first we need to do a little shopping."
"Yay, I love shopping and I'm scared of the water," That's a huge problem "my mo-"
"I'll be with you all through don't worry." Can she not stop mentioning her late parents? Who could blame her? She must miss them all so much, any other child in her shoes would be crying their eyes out but she.....she is being so strong.
Its past 5:00am now.
What now? We can't possibly go shopping by this time or can we? Nope we definitely can't.
"Bel?"
"Yes Ameemah."
"Why don't you uhm...get some rest, you'll feel much better."
"No thanks."
"Why not?"
"Are you not tired or sleepy?"
"I'm, but I can't close my eyes, I'll see that bad man that killed my parents and the picture of my dad's hea—"
"Okay how about I help you sleep?" I don't want her to start thinking about that again.
"I won't be able to sleep no matter what."
"There is no harm in me trying, right?"
"I guess."
"Lye on the bed I'll tuck you in." She did just that, I tucked her in and laid next to her. I've also been through what she is going through, I felt what she's feeling after my mom died, the constant abuse, the emotional abuse and brain damage...... I've felt even worse than she's feeling still.
I sleep at night but with great difficulty, my nightmares, my fears, hunting me down..... Its going to be hard but she has to be strong, fuck that.
She's pretty strong to be in this state right now, she is a fucking six years old girl, I need to help her and I will.
"Okay first things first, think of your mom, think of the good memories, only the good ones, think of them, imagine that she us right in front of you, if you feel like crying go on, I'm right here, okay?"
"Okay." She took in a deep breathe and spaced out. I don't know what she's thinking but I'm sure it's happy thoughts, I see her smiling, I can see she has a little dimple, she had stars in her eyes, like a flick of the wrist, her smile turned to a frown, tears rolled down her eyes.
"Think happy thoughts." I repeated in her ears but she couldn't hear me or maybe she just didn't want to.
"Mommy?" She called out.
"Mommy is not here, mommy has gone to a better place."
"Mommy I'm coming, take me with you mommy." She said to no one in particular, in the smallest and softest voice, I don't know what she is seeing but I need her to snap out of it.
"Bel?! Bel??", she wasn't answering me, I shook her a bit still no response "Bel?!!!" I shook her vigorously, that seemed to do the trick.
She turned to me and said "I want to die, l want him to kill me too, I want to go to my mommy."
"No! He is gone, he can't kill you, he will never be able to kill you, don't say that."
"Then you kill me."
"What!!! No, if you say something like that again, I'll hit you so don't you say that ever again."
"Okay so if you won't kill me and if he won't kill me either then.....then I'll kill myself." A six year old, just told me that she wants to kill herself. What do I do now?
I remembered what Mrs Amira, my foster mom asked me five years ago after I told her my life has no meaning any more, that I just wanted to die, I wanted to kill myself , a couple of days after I was discharged from the hospital so I decided to ask her the same thing.
"Life is just like a bed of roses, beautiful, life is a gift, one we all should cherish, one we all should be happy with, one a lot of people yarn for, one that is filled with love, joy, happiness...... But like roses has thorns, life has its own. Pain, torment, heartbreak," Despite that roses has thorns people still love it, people even keep it in their gardens, people give it as gifts, when you receive a bouquet of rose flowers your heart melts despite the fact that, those roses have thorns so why?..... Why isn't it that despite the fact that roses have thorns people still love it, adore it, admire it?", "life is just like roses, so shouldn't it be the same? People should cherish the life they have the same way they love roses, and people should still cherish and live their life despite all the bad things it holds just like they love roses despite the thorns it has," I took in a deep breathe as realisation hit me "Even if a rose flower pricks you a million times you'll still hold onto the rose flower with so much care and adoration so why....why is it that when life hurts you, tests you, throws challenges at you, you hate it, you despise it, you even go to the extent as to taking the precious gift from God, your own life?" More tears flooded her eyes
"Can you answer me that?" She shook her head at me.
"No."
"Do you like rose flowers?"
"Yes."
"Even though it pricks you."
"Yes because the pain is just little, anyone can endure that, I can't endure this one."
"No one is asking you to do that."
"Then what, what do I do...to take this pain away? To bring my parents back, I want my mommy and Daddy."
"You take life by the throat and say 'I'll live you to the fullest no matter what you throw at me and also, your mommy and daddy are in heaven with God, they are in a better place, they are happy and they will always be with you.....in your heart, they'll never leave you.'"
"Really? Do you really mean that? Will mommy and Daddy always be with me?"
"Yes."
"Okay, so how will I live life to the fullest......without them? I'm all alone."
"First, you need to fight your fears starting with you closing your eyes and having a goodnight rest, also you're not alone, I'll be right here by your side."
"But—"
"No buts, do as I say."
"Okay."
"I'll help you, first things first, we'll take this one at a time." It will be easy for her to do this since she isn't doing it alone, she has me. I remember the first day I had to live my life without my mom, I went through it alone, cruiser my heart out, the next day my torture started.
I had no one not until Mrs Amira came along.
I need to approach this carefully since she is a little girl, she'll get through it, I'll make sure of it, I'll fill the void left by her parents, I'll make sure her life is filled with nothing but sunshine and rainbows after all her mom died because of me, Dario killed her because of me.
The least I could do is take perfect care of her daughter, even at the point of death, she was thinking about her daughter, it fills as though I was the one who killed her, the guilt of her death hung heavily on my shoulders, maybe Dario was right after all I am a murderer, killed my mom and this little girl's mom, I left a child without her mom.
I wonder how my foster parents will react when they hear this news, and when they here that I now have a daughter, life is hard but I've fought, I've fought every step of the way, I can't break down now, I can't give up now, I'll keep fighting till the end.