He looked shocked by this. He didn't expect me to yell at him at all. He pulled his hand away and spoke up in a soft tone,
"At least, eat something, Ester." I blinked as my gaze was fixed on the wall in front of me. His every behavior scares me; Either sweet or Angry.
"You are scaring me...Leave.." I told him the truth, barely in an audible tone. But, it reached his ears.
"Ester... I know, I-" But I cut him off.
"Your presence is enough to terrorize me!" I shouted, closing my eyes tightly as tears began to flow. I just can't spend a second with him. I am afraid of him. None of his justification will have any effect on me. I am too scared to believe in my delusion again. I don't have enough courage to face the same thing over and over again.
"Ester..." He was speechless. He is clearly taken aback by this. He couldn't think of a thing to say to comfort me.
"Leave...." I whispered I am on the verge of crying out loud. I opened my eyes and looked at him with a broken and angry look.
"Get. Out." I ordered him, with a glare. He looked down, he never expects to hear something like this from me. He looked shocked. His eyes flicker with remorse and hurt. He looks so hurt, not by my words but by his own actions. He was ashamed. His face is showing deep regret as his eyes are begging for forgiveness. But, None of them have any effect on me.
I turn my head away again. I hugged my sides more tightly and closed my eyes as tears began to fall.
" leave....you are scaring me...." I whispered, hiding my face in my knees. Desmond left without saying a single word.
After he left, I began to cry out. My cries were muffled as I hid my face in my knees. I would never fall for his affection ever again.
I was desperate for that look of fondness. I tried so hard to find a single shred of affection in your eyes. I fell over and over again in my Journey to win your love.
Right now, I may have won your love.
But, I never thought that winning it would cause me to crumble miserably.
That I shall pay a great price for it. The price to burn endlessly is my own hatred for you...
I look at the time. It's midnight. I haven't moved from my position. I sighed and got up. My eyes are so tired. My whole being is exhausted.
What an anniversary!
I walked out of the room. I went to the kitchen to eat something. I ate some cereal. Why do I break myself for someone who doesn't even care? I sighed and made some chocolate shake for myself. I am so done, playing the role of the victim. I was going back when I saw a light in that same room on my wedding night. I sighed and took a sip of my chocolate shake. I walked towards the light. The same sight, but the room is messier than that day. Things are thrown here and there. I am not making the same mistake. I stood outside as I calmly drank my shake. I know If I went inside I can stop him, I am the only one that can do that. But, let him suffer.
My pain is far more. I am too broken to feel something positive. I went to my room and closed the door and locked it. Stay outside. I don't want to be in the same room as you.
It's morning, I am staring aimlessly at the floor. I felt bad looking at him like that last night. No, Stop it. Leave him be. I pulled my hair in frustration. Don't cry. I want to let these feelings out. They are unbearable. They'll eat me up. It's driving me insane. I want to be with him but the damage he caused is too much. My vulnerable form won't be able to recover ever again from his dread. I am falling apart. I wish I could drink alcohol, So, I could lose my senses and let out all my feelings. I suddenly realized, where is my drug? I began to search for my phone. I plugged in my earphones and played the song which made me lose my sense.
After listening to it over and over again, I finally lost my senses. Feeling utterly broken. It's something that made me realize that I am burning in the fire of a love which can't be mine. The dread of the love which can't be removed from my heart. The fear of the person, whom I love so dearly.
My devastated form went to Lily,
"Where is Desmond?" I asked her.
"He is in his studies." She said, I nodded and left. It's all your fault. I will fall apart miserably if I don't open up. Only if you hadn't broken me that much...
I opened the door and stood in the middle of the room with my hands closed at my chest and gave him a look filled with detest. Desmond was looking stressed, he looked at me as his expression softened. He quickly got up and walked over to me. He was about to come closer but I took a step back. He stopped and began to blink. I hugged myself tightly and closed my eyes. I took a deep breath and looked at him with resentment. It's now or never. I gave Desmond a seething look and slapped him hard across his cheeks, Without being scared of what happened next. The sound echoed in the room. It's not even as loud as my cries of misery.
Desmond was shocked. This is clearly unexpected but I am shattered. I began to cry and yelled,
"YOU CAN NEVER HEAL MY HEART! THE DREAD OF YOURS ARE IRREMOVABLE! YOU BROKE ME! SHATTERED ME TO MILLION PIECES!! " I wiped my tears and continued again,
"You are right I am such a delusional girl, who thought that we can love each other. Just how much I died for your love. How much I crave your attention. I am so silly to fall for someone LIKE YOU!" I went to him and grabbed his collar.
"After giving scars to my heart, why do you try to tend to them? I am far beyond any repair...You are hurting me... Scaring me. I don't want to be with you. The fears you induced in my heart can never be removed. My fright is greater than my love for you... Why are you hurting me that much? Why can't you let me go?... " I cried as I fell on the ground. He also bends and began to say in a low tone,
" I...I never knew I broke you that much... I thought your love for me can overcome every obstacle. I never knew that you are that broken... I... Didn't mean to... I swear.. I didn't mean to do that... I don't want to scare you... I am so sorry Ester... It's unintentional... I..." He was clearly hurt. He was so shocked, his voice was filled with agony. He didn't expect me to be that broken.
"You can't fix what's broken, Desmond." I stood up and wiped my tears and left him alone.
I went to our room. I sighed and felt some weight had been lifted off of my chest. Seeing Desmond like this broke my heart. I didn't want him to be like that. But, something inside of me is not letting me forget and forgive everything and I believe it's the right thing. He shattered me and now, he should also suffer the same way as me. He should know how it feels when you love someone dearly and that person broke you mercilessly.
I exhaled deeply, just when I took a step forward, the lights went out. My body stiffed, gasps; filled with dread escaped my lips as the room was filled with darkness. I am so afraid of the dark. I sat down and crawled into a corner. I curled up like a ball and began to tremble uncontrollably. I began to sob.
What else left to happen to me?
My teeth made a chattering sound. The pitch darkness with a horrible silence. Tears were falling from my eyes. Where is my phone? I searched in my pockets but, it's nowhere to be found. Where is it now? I feel like I have the worst luck. I sobbed loudly, hoping someone might come.
After a few moments, the last person I wanted came in.
"Ester!" The door slammed open. Desmond's phone's flashlight was on. He found me in the corner of the room, crying. He came to me and bent to me.
"Shh... It's alright," he said, giving me the phone. He then began to search for my phone. He found it on the nightstand. He turned his flashlight on too. He put my phone on the bed and rush to me again and began to say in an assuring tone,
" You stay here. I will make the darkness go away in a few moments, okay?" He put his hand over my shoulder as I nodded. I am really scared. I don't want to be in the darkness anymore. It's scary. Desmond left and I wiped my tears.
I calmed down a little. The flashlight brightens the room. I took a deep breath and finally felt calm. I smiled weakly, he remembered that I am afraid of the darkness.
"Don't give in to his fake affection " I mentally scolded myself. And stayed there...