josh
I accelerated as hard as I could through the woods for as long as I could, crossing an area not frequented by hikers.
My paws shook violently as I gripped the steering wheel. I cursed myself for going back and leaving Allora a note. Nobody saw me, but it cost me precious time. I gritted my teeth as my wolf form pushed against my skin, begging to be fully unleashed. Gray hairs stood on end all over my body, and I had to kick off my boots as my feet turned into paws. It took all my concentration to keep the truck on the road. Sweat trickled down my face, and my entire body raged with an itch that only disappeared when I gave in fully to my wolf side.
Ahead, the road ended in a small gravel clearing. A sign indicated the local flora and fauna, and arrows showed the direction to the next hut. There were no trails here. Anyone walking here had to use a compass and a map to find their way. The only people who came here were conservation groups studying birds or squirrels or lizards, and this was the wrong time of year for that.
I kicked open the door. It took three tries for my shaky paws to cooperate in unfastening my seat belt. I got out of the car, my skin crawling with agony.
You are a tremendous idiot.
I half ran, half limped into the trees, my chest heaving. I wanted enough distance between me and the car before I shifted. I once turned near the Black Forest and slashed the tires of a poor German family's Volkswagen. I needed the entire truck to get back to the site.
You should never have left that note for Allora.
I didn't have time to think anymore. The wolf won. I slammed into the trees, my paws skidding across the icy earth. My shirt ripped as my spine buckled. The itch consumed me. My blood boiled in my veins. I dropped to my knees, my fingers digging into the dirt as the transformation washed over me.
I screamed as my skin ripped, my bones rearranging, slipping from their discs and snapping in opposite directions. More hairs burst into my skin, like a thousand tiny needles piercing my flesh. My vision darkened, colors fading to dull hues as objects in my peripheral vision suddenly came into focus. I threw my head back and howled.
I was a wolf once more.
When someone shifts into wolf form, the first need is always breakfast.
I caught the scent of a rabbit that had crossed in front of me and followed it for a mile until I was able to track the creature. A quick bite of the jugular, and I had satisfied the hunger rumbling in my stomach.
My thoughts changed as instinct hummed through my body. But unlike previous times, if I concentrated on Allora, I was able to retain my independent human thought. So I found myself in a sheltered place in the hollow of a rotten tree trunk and thought of her.
Last night… meant so much more to me than just sex.
My body burning for her, the image of her face flashing across my vision. I could barely concentrate on the task I gave myself. I gave the camera crew a cursory glance before heading off into the woods.
Now that I was in my wolf form, I knew I wouldn't attack her. The thought of doing that turned my stomach. But still, asking her to find me was a risk. She could be followed and we'd both be discovered. But I needed Allora to see me for who I really was, to understand that the wolf was part of me, the same way that what was bothering her this morning was part of her. If I scared her, that was probably a good thing. If not, well, we'd deal with it together.
I longed for her. Allora was everything to me now, and I couldn't go a single day without seeing her, even if it had to be as a wolf. Allora was my mate, and nothing and no one was going to separate us.
**
allora
u have to see you again. Meet me at the old oak tree at midnight. I promise you won't get hurt.
Once more I stood beside the rotten carcass of the fallen oak,
freezing my extremities, waiting for a wolf that was late. Once again, Ben invaded my thoughts, his voice whistling through the trees and stroking my skin with frigid, dead fingers. Again, I wondered if I should commit because I was clearly losing my mind.
A branch snapped. I turned, scanning the tree line. My breath caught in my throat.
I shouldn't be here. This is crazy.
I should be here, I told myself, irritated that I was still looking to the past. Ben was dead. He wasn't coming back. Why shouldn't I fall in love with a werewolf?
“Josh? I yelled, rubbing my gloved hands together in a vain attempt to keep them from falling. "Josh, is that you?"
Another branch snapped. I focused on a knot of trees at the top of the ridge, about a hundred feet from where I was. A wolf came out from behind one of the trees, its gray fur gleaming in the moonlight, a line of reddish fur down its spine that I didn't remember since the last time Josh shifted. He was beautiful.
The wolf crouched in the dead leaves, paws facing me, mouth open and pink tongue panting against its chin. His eyes were almost closed, just two slits looking at me in an almost sinister way.
Even though I knew it was Josh, seeing a wolf that close still gave me an uneasy feeling.
- Hey. I gave a little nod, not quite sure what I was supposed to do. Should I approach? Did he understand my words?
The wolf sat up, back straight and front paws pressed together. He shook his head slightly, acknowledging my presence.
— Um… so, I'm really cold, and I don't know exactly why you asked me to come here. I hope you are well.
The wolf nodded.
"And you've been staying out of trouble?"
Another nod.
"But you ate something small and furry, didn't you?"
A shy nod this time. I wish he would open his eyes.
I shifted weight to my other foot. That was weird. I wasn't sure what I should say.
“So… I went into town today. Frances asked me to email some photographs for the press release. While I was there, I went to an occult shop on Main Street and the woman there... she makes pills for lycanthropes... that's you, a lycanthrope. I learned this today. And yes…she said another wolf is in the area. In fact, I passed him… he has reddish hair, a little bit of that color in the pimple of his skin, actually… do you call it skin?
Josh tilted his head to one side.
“So… I don't think it's a coincidence. He could be here because of the caves. You have to be careful...
The wolf lifted its head, baring its teeth. His eyes bore into mine, the deep brown irises of a killer holding the focus on his prey.
That wasn't Josh.
My stomach plummeted. Shit.
The wolf charged, galloping towards me with strong paws. Time seemed to slow down. His shoulder muscles rippled as he narrowed the space between us. My throat closed up. Its jaws parted, revealing those rows of sharp teeth.
Run.
I willed my legs to move. I turned and ran back to camp. I seemed to move in slow motion, my legs dragging through the air like I was trying to run on honey. I shoved my hands in front of me, diving through the trees without a clue as to where I was going. The lantern light waved wildly around me, lighting up the forest like a fire. The wolf slammed behind me, panting as he approached. In the distance, someone was screaming. It took me a few moments to realize that that someone was me.
The wolf's feet tapped against the earth. Crushed leaves. I panted with anticipation. I could practically feel the heat of his breath on my cheek. Any time now.
Something landed in the undergrowth beside me. I screamed and ducked to the left, grabbing a tree trunk to keep myself from toppling over. Behind me, I heard a thud and the wolf's growls turned into a groan.
I dared look over my shoulder. My assailant was locked in a vicious battle with another wolf, this one with gray fur and glowing green eyes. The two rolled across the floor, jaws snapping and claws slashing.
Josh!
The second wolf—Josh—overcame the first, pinning his shoulders to the ground, jaws snapping in his face. I bit back a scream, expecting him to tear the first wolf's face off. Josh leaned over and bit the wolf's shoulder. Blood gushed from the wound and the wolf howled in pain and rage. Josh took a step back, snarling, teeth bared and tail quivering. The other wolf got up and ran into the trees, disappearing into the night.
Josh walked around me, snarling in the woods, frantically sniffing the ground. After making three circuits around me, he sat up and looked up, his eyes wide when they met mine. He panted in a friendly way, his tongue hanging over his teeth.
—Josh. I fell to my knees, struggling to catch my breath. I held my hand to my chest, trying to calm my thundering heart.
He trotted towards me, head down, back bent in a menacing manner. I couldn't believe I had confused him with the other wolf. Josh's skin was a pure gray, darker on the back, fading to almost white under the belly. He was smaller than the other wolf but leaner, his slender wolf body galloping towards me with a balanced gait.
My heart was pounding as he walked over to me. Its muzzle nuzzled my hand. My breath caught in my throat as I ran my glove through his fur, sinking deep into the soft, silky strands. Josh licked my cheek and I laughed.
“Thanks for saving me. I wrapped my arms around his thick, muscled neck and buried my face in his fur. Josh put a paw on my shoulder and whimpered.
— I don't know how much you can understand me.
Josh cocked his head again.
— So you understand? Nod once for yes, twice for no.
Josh nodded once.
- Okay. That is good. I took a deep breath. The wolf even smelled like Josh. That deep, primal scent that took me over the edge. At the moment, it was the most delicious smell in the world. “Josh,” I whispered against his fur. “It's been such an intense day for me. Listen, I'm really sorry about the way I reacted this morning. I know you know that my father died. He was killed in a factory accident. But what you don't know is that five months ago my boyfriend died here in the forest. He went hiking with a friend, and they decided to hike over one of the rocky ravines beyond. Ben slipped and fell into a crevice. He broke several bones and his head. The friend couldn't get him out, and when he returned with help, Ben was dead.
Tears welled up in my eyes. Josh licked them, his tongue rough like sandpaper against my skin.
“Last night… it was the first time since Ben. And it was amazing. I really like you, Josh, but it's hard for me to be here in the woods without him. My mom withdrew into herself, the way she did after Dad died. I'm having to keep everything organized for her and I'm struggling. When you were talking about survival in the wild, it was a bit too much for me. I felt guilty and took it out on you. It was not your fault. You didn't know.
Josh snuggled into my neck, his scent soothing me. I squeezed him tighter, his powerful body reassuring me, easing my pain.
- Wow. I laughed as tears rolled down my cheeks. “I never thought to say this, but it's a lot easier to talk to a wolf than another human. It's nice, for the first time, to know that someone is listening to me.
Josh's long tongue flickered across my face, leaving a sticky trail of saliva on my cheek and neck. I chuckled and pushed his muzzle away.
“Josh…I…I don't want to sleep alone tonight.
The memory of that wolf's cruel eyes came back. I rested my chin against his shoulder, reassured by the muscles rippling under his fur. There was no way anyone could hurt me with Josh by my side.
Josh got up again, breaking our embrace. He disappeared into the trees, his gray skin gleaming under the pale moon.
— Where are you going? I called after him, not wanting to lose him. Josh turned to me and barked once, as if to say, "What are you waiting for?" Then he trotted on into the darkness.
What was I waiting for? I looked up at the trees, where the bare branches swayed in the wind. An owl hooted. Ben's voice disappeared into the chill of the night.
I got up and followed Josh. He circled around the outside of the camp and a few minutes later we stopped in the trees beside my tent. I scanned the rest of the camp but couldn't see any lights burning or lanterns flickering in tents.
“I think we're safe,” I said, holding my tent flap. Josh ran inside and I slammed the tent shut.
Last night, we folded our naked bodies on Josh's bed, limbs tangled together and the smell of sex hanging in the air. Tonight, there would be none of that.
Trees rustled overhead, stray branches brushing the screen. Josh's chest rose and fell. He was taking such a huge risk being here, not just being found out, but scaring me. In fact, the opposite was true. I was in awe of this tremendous gift he'd given me, the trust he'd placed in me by coming to meet me in his wolf form. Being this close to him like this, I felt so safe. I wanted to give you a gift in return.
'I want to escape Loamshire so badly,' I said, the words falling out of my mouth before I even realized it. “I belong anywhere but here. I've had this intense hatred for the place since I was a teenager. He got good grades and wore glasses and was into science fiction and anime and games, and the other kids…they were mean. I didn't have many friends.
“The only thing that got me through high school and my father's death was knowing that by the time I got to A-level, this town would be eating my dust. I applied to the university as soon as enrollment opened. I wrote my scholarship essays. All my life I've wanted to explore ancient ruins and have adventures, and finally, it was going to happen.
“My mom has been in bad shape since Dad died. She was getting better, but when I got my acceptance to Cambridge she got worse again. She didn't get out of bed for days. Tears stung the corners of my eyes. “I gave up my job to stay here and take care of her. I put all my dreams on hold, went to the University of Loamshire and tried to do my best. And then I met Ben, and he loved having adventures, and he made friends easily, and he was so in tune with the world. Being with him… I felt like I was living a bit of my own dream, you know? I shook my head. “You probably don't know. I'm very sorry.
“Right now, I'm finishing my degree, but with Ben's death, my mom is getting sick again. She can barely feed herself, and I don't want to think about what would happen if I left her in charge of paying the bills. She needs me so much, and the worst thing is, I resent her. I hate myself for this because she is my mother but I don't understand why she can't just get off the couch and move on with her life. I made it. I'm still doing. And it's hard, but at least it's not an escape. Just because Dad and Ben lost their lives, does that mean I should lose mine too?”
Josh tilted his head to the side and placed a heavy paw on top of my hand. I smiled despite the tears.
“The clock is ticking for me to accept postgraduate placements. I was accepted to Yale, Auckland and Cambridge. They're all in exciting, faraway places that aren't here, but when I think about telling my mom I'm leaving… I just can't. I sighed. “I'll stay in DownMoor forever, trapped here by the ghosts of the dead.
Josh pressed his nose against my hand and whimpered. That's exactly how I felt when I thought about the pile of acceptance letters burning on my desk at home. His weight pressed against me, warm and reassuring, and my anxiety about the future disappeared. Calm washed over me. That would work.
I had Josh now. With his strong body and sharp mind by my side, I knew that, one way or another, I would work things out.
“Good night, Josh. I kissed the soft fur on top of her head. He tapped my chin with his wet nose, then curled up next to me, a reassuring weight beside me. He rested his chin on his paws, eyes wide, focused on the tent flap.
I lay back against the pillows, tiredness getting the best of me. It had been a long, strange day and it ended with me running for my life. But with Josh here with me, I couldn't feel an ounce of fear. I was safe.
Josh stayed by my side the entire night, his body heat keeping me warmer than any thermal sleeping bag. At some point, I woke up and rolled over, finding a warm wall of soft fur. I lay awake, watching his chest rise and fall as he breathed, admiring the beautiful creature who trusted me so completely.
He said he was dangerous in his wolf form, but he was as gentle as a kitten. A giant kitten with sharp fangs and claws. I stroked him, my hand sinking into his soft fur. The bite mark he left on my neck burned with heat. I couldn't wait until he was back in his human form so we could have another night together.
“Hey, Josh,” I murmured into his fur. He patted my hand as I pulled out my phone to check the time. “It's six in the morning. You should probably get out of here, or one of the others might see you leaving.
He shook his head furiously and planted a firm paw on my stomach.
I laughed.
"I'd like you to stay too." You have no idea how much. But if Frances sees me neglecting my archaeological duties to date a wolf, we'll have even more trouble on our hands.