josh
— The Anna! I yelled after the Mini started. She didn't look up, didn't stop the car. The Mini's wheels screeched as it sped around the corner, the tiny car carrying the only woman I've ever loved.
My chest hurt. My entire body shuddered. I felt like I had been hit by a truck. She's gone. She's gone. The shock of it shivered through my veins.
“Josh? Frances's voice cut through the pain slicing through my skull. I was vaguely aware that I was standing in the middle of the camp, stark naked. But I couldn't care. I ran my hand over my lip.
I could still taste the sweetness of her kiss there.
Allora left me. I told her I loved her and she left. Cum!
Anger surged through me, an anger that purred from my feet to my entire body, a bubbling heat that burned me inside and out. Fuck her. Just a few minutes ago, she'd been telling Caleb these things, and now she's just walked away.
My eyes burned with tears. I blinked angrily. I haven't experienced this feeling for a long time, since I was a child. I didn't even cry when Dad died. But seeing Allora run away, seeing her abandon me, when I was ready to open up to her, almost destroyed me.
If Allora would run, let her run.
"Josh, what happened?" What are you doing?
I realized that Ruth was running towards me, her gaze scanning my entire body. I broke away and ran back to my own tent. I pulled on pants and a jacket. Ruth poked her head around the door.
“The police will need your statement about the caves…
I brushed past her and headed into the trees, not even paying attention to where I was going. All I could see were angry red welts. My fists clenched, tension rippling through my body. With nowhere to go, nothing to direct, my rage boiled under my skin, the wolf inside threatening to go completely berserk.
Once I was far enough away from the camp, I found a spot along the creek. I leaned against a tree and started taking off my shirt. I folded my clothes and hid them in the branches, so I could release the wolf. I needed to run, burn off this horrible, sick feeling.
"Isn't it a little cold to go swimming naked?" A voice broke into my private thoughts.
“Fuck off, Caleb. My hands froze on the button. “You're the last person I want to talk to right now.
Caleb came out from behind the tree.
- Wrong. I'm exactly the person you need to talk to. Because I'm the only one who can tell you when to stop being a complete asshole.
He still hasn't found any clothes. I really wasn't in the mood to discuss my feelings with a naked man. I walked away from him.
- It's none of your business. Why did you follow me anyway?
“Because I saw Allora leave the camp and she was crying, and I thought you must have done something to upset her. Even though you're a Lowe, you're probably used to women seeing your penis and cringing in fear...
"Why do you think I did something to her?" I demanded, closing the space between us so I was right in his face. Caleb didn't blink.
“Because you're an idiot.
“Well, you can walk away, because all I did was tell her I loved her and she ran away.
"Of course she ran away. Didn't you hear all those things she was saying to me before about sadness and being afraid to love again?
“She was talking about me.
Caleb tapped his forehead.
- You're an idiot. She was talking about herself. And you're sitting here mad at her for it.
"Wouldn't you be?"
Caleb shook his head.
“I'd chase her down, making her tell me what hurt her so much that she's terrified of loving me back.
Shit. The fight drained out of me, the tension in my body turning to embarrassment. Caleb was right. Here I was, acting like a selfish asshole because I was vulnerable and she shied away. I should have seen that she did it because of what happened with her last boyfriend. I should have found a way to reassure her, but instead I threw a tantrum and ran away. I was a shitty fellow.
I sank into the tree, my head in my hands.
- Cum.
- Don't worry. You can fix this. Just find her and apologize. Women are like that, I'm told.
"How do you know so much about these things?"
Caleb smiled.
“Hey, just because I don't have a mate doesn't mean I don't know anything about women or grief.
I looked at him then, noticing a flicker of something pass across his face. It was the first time since I'd known him that Caleb didn't seem to be in perfect control. He looked vulnerable, human. In an instant, it was gone, and Caleb's usual smug expression was back once more.
I stood up, dusting off my jeans.
“I have something to do.
He nodded.
- Good luck. And if she still hates you after you break up, speak well of me. This girl is amazing.
I didn't even bother to answer. I dove into the trees, heading back to my truck as fast as my human legs could carry me.
Allora, I'm sorry. I'm coming to you.
allora
I love you.
My hands gripped the Mini's steering wheel so hard my knuckles turned white. The words repeated over and over in my head, the echo of memories mixing with Josh's husky voice. Ben shyly saying those words for the first time over dinner at the Tir Na Nog pub, his nervous face watching me over the top of his pie. My dad whispering them in my ear as he tucked me into bed at night. My own lips trembled as I fought back tears to say the words at his funeral.
The freezing night had left a layer of ice on the Mini's windshield. I tried wiping it off with my gloved hand, but it wasn't doing the trick. I didn't want to go back to camp to thaw the water and risk running into Josh, so I rolled down the window and cruised slowly down the trail, leaning over the car door like the main character in a bad spy movie.
Josh loved me. He loved me. My chest ached with the weight of that revelation. After everything he's been through, that must have been an amazing thing for him to say.
But I couldn't say it back. Not yet. Those words…they still held echoes of Ben, of his essence. He said and then left me, just like my father left me. The pain had just begun to recede into a dull, empty ache. I wasn't ready to open myself up to that kind of love yet.
Josh loves me.
Tears streamed down my face and the cold wind turned them to ice on my face. I kept my eyes glued to the road in front of me. I wanted so much to love him back, to fall into his arms and feel completely safe, but it just wasn't possible. I knew I shouldn't have run away. I should have tried to explain exactly how I felt, but the words stuck in my throat like a bone lodged in my esophagus. Now it was too late. I rejected it. Guys like Josh couldn't take being rejected twice.
I needed to get out of the woods. To get away from the trees and the scent of the earth that reminded me of both. Ben and Josh. Of my past and what could have been my future. I needed to clear my head and think.
I needed coffee. And a pie. And a friendly ear to lean on about my current predicament.
I'll go into town and Derek will probably still be home. He will know what to do.
I kept looking behind me, but Josh didn't follow. Good. But deep down it wasn't that good. I willed his wolf to appear, pink tongue outstretched, powerful legs churning the earth as he raced after me, ready to claim me back at any cost. I wish I could hear those words from your lips again. Damn it. She wanted to be brave enough to reciprocate, as she suspected it would be sincere.
No. I couldn't think about it. I wasn't ready. I wasn't strong enough.
I need to get away… get away…
When I got out of the woods, the heat from the engine melted enough that I could see the road ahead. I closed the window and texted Derek to see if I could come over. He replied that he was not at home at the moment, but that he would be there in an hour and would be happy to see me.
The Porções Encantadas bakery on the main street was open. They were empty at this time of the morning, so the stunning Asian woman behind the counter made me a free cup of tea and told me about their extensive selection of cakes. She looked vaguely familiar, and I jumped when I realized that she was the same woman who was sitting on the back of the motorcycle I passed earlier in the week. I sat at a rickety table by the window and devoured the best Cornish pasty I've ever had, thinking about Josh and trying to stop myself from bringing it up again.
You ruined everything.
My phone rang. Derek was home. Good. I needed to talk to someone, work through this in my head and figure out if I could somehow fix this. The woman wrapped half a Heaven and Hell cake for me, and I went over to his house. When he opened the door and saw my expression, his face immediately crumpled.
"Allora, what's wrong?" “He opened the door and I went in.
“I'm such an idiot. But I brought sugar,” I said, sinking onto his couch. Derek took the cake box from my hands and grabbed two plates, forks and a knife from the kitchen.
- Here. Derek passed me a small slice of cake. I pushed him away and grabbed the box, digging my fork into the layers of gooey whiskey ganache. I shoved another bite into my mouth and felt a little better. I was here with Derek. I was eating cake. I could work this out somehow.
“Okay, I see this is an emergency. Derek nodded at the box as he took his slice. “It's about a guy, isn't it?
“It sure is. I sniffled, stuffing another mouthful into my mouth in a vain attempt to keep a sob from escaping. “I met him at the dig and I… and he…
"I figured," Derek said darkly. — You were quite distracted the last few days. You only look like this when you're in love.
I choked on my mouth full. My stomach heaved. I cupped my hands over my mouth as I coughed violently.
“Don't say that,” I whispered as I recovered. “Josh just told me… that he loves me.
“This is serious. Especially after just a few days.
- Yes. ’ There was a pause while I ate more cake.
Derek asked in a strange, hard voice.
— And you love him?
- I don't know. I think so. Yes. But it does not matter. I was scared. I ran away. You should have seen his face, Derek. He was heartbroken. He won't come back to me.
"If he hits on you when he's so emotionally fragile, he's a complete bastard," Derek declared. He walked over to me and put his arm around my shoulders. I sank down against him, enjoying the comfort of his shoulder as tears streamed down my cheeks.
“He just lost someone too. — I sniffled. “I think we're a little vulnerable to this intense emotional shit.
"I think you should forget about it," Derek said. “You don't need a guy like that dragging you down. You have other options.
- Oh yes? With who? Every man I love dies. I think I'm cursed.
- What about me?
- You? I turned to him, smiling. He was kidding, right? We've already talked about this. But his face looked deadly serious.
- Yes of course. I. Why not? Derek stroked my shoulder with his hand. “We're perfect for each other. We're both academics, we like the same books and movies. We are always here for each other. We're already close. It wouldn't be much to take the next step.
"Derek…" I shook my head, my stomach churning. Why did he have to say this now? “We've been through this. I don't see you like that. I'm very sorry. We are friends. Good friends, and I love it. But friends is all we'll ever be.
His face went hard. His grip on my shoulder tightened.
“This is a mistake, Allora, and you know it. We were meant to be together, I can feel it. It won't be long before you realize that I would make a great companion.
Partner? There was that word again. But why was Derek using her? Only shapeshifters talked about their mates as mates. But Derek wasn't…was he?
“Come on, Allora. Don't tell me you didn't find out. Derek looked at me, smiling.
In the blink of an eye, the pieces fell into place. Derek was away all the time to work on his project where he couldn't be found. He left at the same time as Josh. During the full moon. Derek was the one who gave me that book. Nobody broke into my house. It was Derek all along.
I remembered Clara talking about her regulars coming in to take their monthly pills. Derek must have been one of her regulars, which was why she couldn't tell us if there were any other new wolves in the area, which led Josh to suspect Caleb. When all the time...
Derek was the black wolf: the powerful shifter who destroyed the place and killed Misty Sharpe. I tried to pull away, but he grabbed my other shoulder, squeezing me back against the sofa.
"But…" I mumbled. “But you're a Peyton. I saw it in your family tree. His family hated werewolves.
“Correction, my family hated the Lowes. The Peytons are an ancient pack, one of the first to settle in England. They wanted to be the only wolves in DownMoor. This village is built on two ley lines, a crossroads. It's a vitally important hub for supernatural species coming in and out of England. My family wanted to control it, the same way my grandfather controlled the church. The Lowes were in their way.
"Then why not just kill them?" Why hurt the baby and make the villagers do it?
"Because they were loved," Derek growled. “And that could never work. You cannot exercise control with kindness. We needed to remake the wolf. It's not enough to just kill one person, Allora. You have to kill their myth too. When the baby was found in pieces, werewolves were once again creatures to be feared. And that's exactly what my great-grandfather wanted.
- This is horrible. - I cried.
“That's the circle of life. The strong kill those who stand in their way. And now,” he added, his mouth twisting into an ugly smile. “You and your wolf are in my way.
- But why? I yelled, desperately trying to keep Derek talking. If he was talking, he wouldn't be tearing me apart.
“Because your boyfriend and the other wolf Lowe would use the cave paintings to establish their pack in that area. I couldn't accept it. DownMoor is mine. I needed to show them what my grandfather had established a century ago: the Peytons are the dominant force in DownMoor. And we are to be feared.
— Why did you kill the reporter?
"That woman," he snarled. “She wrote ridiculous and defamatory things about my family. I could not let these words go unopposed. If other wolves read this story and knew she still lived, they would believe the Peytons were weak. But I'm not weak. I won't have my family name dragged through the mud in some cheap tabloid.
"Is that what you're doing?" I cried, trying to pull my arm out of his grip. "Is this all to prove you're some kind of super alpha wolf?"
- I told you. It's all about killing the Lowe myth so the Peyton myth can survive. I destroyed the paintings, now I just need to make sure no one who knows their true origin is still alive. Only I will have control over the history of the caves.
"But you don't," I exclaimed. — The photographs are in all the newspapers. The BBC did a detailed story on the find. Specialists from all over the world will study these images. They will find out that they are false.
“No, they won't, because everyone wants to believe their own myths about the past. That's what always thrills me about you archaeologists,” Derek scoffed. “You think you're so scientific, so unbiased. But really, you need meaning as much as the rest of the world... the stories, the narrative, the myths. You need to believe that the paintings are a message from the distant past, and that is exactly how they will be portrayed. No, I'm not worried about paintings right now. There are only three people who know the truth: the two Lowe wolves…” He smiled, “…and you.
He moved his hand to grip my chin, shifting his weight to my other wrist. I grabbed the opening and rolled to the side, throwing my full body weight towards the coffee table. Derek yelled as I bent my arm back, my wrist snapping out of his hands. I hit the floor.
I gripped the coffee table, trying to get up. Derek wrapped his powerful arms around my legs, dragging me back to him. I grabbed my mug of tea from the table and threw it in his face. He howled as the boiling liquid burned his skin, and released me to rub his eyes. I pulled away and went back to the door, putting the couch between us.
“Stay away from me, Derek. — I crept towards the front door.
A few more meters and I would be close enough to try. “I know martial arts.
“No, you don't. He smiled, shuffling his feet towards me. The skin on her face was all red where the hot tea had scalded it. Black hair sprouted from his cheeks and forearms. I could already see her fingers deforming. He picked up a piece of rope he'd left coiled around the edge of the couch and took another step toward me. “I'm your friend, remember? I know you took three classes at the YMCA, but then dropped out when they clashed with Team Tempo on television.
He lunged for me. I ran to the door. My hands closed around the doorknob, but Derek grabbed my hair, pulling me back. My scalp screamed. Derek threw me face down on the floor, pinning my hands behind my back.
“Hold tight,” he growled in my ear. I tried to pull away. Derek pinned my legs under his. My head was throbbing, my chest was tight with panic. Derek looped the rope around my hands, securing them behind my back. Then he dropped me. I hit my knees hard, then tried to squirm on the ground like a snail, but Derek put a boot on my shoulder, stepping over me and holding me in place. He held up a roll of tape. “I'm sorry about that,” he said. "But I think you'll like it." It's like being an Egyptian mummy.
He wrapped the tape around my body, gluing my legs together, trapping my hands at my sides and my legs together. Panic rose in my chest, pounding against the inside of my skull.
This is bad, this is very bad.
Derek picked me up like I was a pile of towels and carried me out to my car. He put me in the back seat, pulled the keys out of my pocket and got in the front.
“Sorry I didn't buckle up,” he said. “I know you have a thing for that. But I think you're going to die soon anyway, so it probably doesn't matter.
It took Derek three tries to start the engine. I hoped in vain that he wouldn't get the hang of it, but after a lot of swearing, it finally worked. As my poor Mini slammed down the road, I slid between the seats, ending up on the floor with my legs bent awkwardly in the air. I could see trees flickering through the window. We were heading back to the forest.
Josh, I thought, my mind reeling. I know you can't hear me, but if you could... I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.