Napatingin ako sa mga alon na naghahampasan at gumagawa ng ingay. Ang malamig na hangin ay dinama ko nang dumampi ang mga 'to sa aking balat. Napangiti ako na umupo sa buhangin at pinagmasdan ang paligid. The smiles on the lips of everyone didn't fade they look happier while laughing and playing with their friends and families. I can't help but smile too before hugging myself. Sitting here feels good.
"Layuan niyo ako!"
My eyes swelled before looking around. My heart pounds so fast while looking at the girl. She stepped back and the waves were already splashing his foot. There are two men around her. The first one is on her right side wearing a white T-shirt and jersey short while the other one is on the left side that is topless and wearing red basketball shorts. Suddenly my eyes landed on the woman wearing a silk dress and holding the hem of her dress so as not to be blown away by the wind. She is wearing her eyeglasses reason why I can't see her eyes and the length of her hair is similar to mine. I swallowed hard before standing up. I played my fingers while taking a steps toward them.
"Come on! Wala kang pupuntahan!" the guy laughed. "Just give it a try!" he added.
Naalala ko ang nangyari sa akin kaya mabilis akong naglakad palapit sa kanila. Even my knees are trembling too much. I still manage to take a deep breath and go.
"Let her go!" I shouted reason why the surroundings became quiet.
The topless guy looked at me before smirking. Hindi ko alam pero bigla nalang tumulo ang mga luha ko nang naramdaman ko ang malamig na tubig sa akin balat.
"Miss! Just go! Gan'tong nagiging mabait pa ako at isama ka namin!" The guy wearing a white t-shirt said.
Hindi ko na alam kung ilang beses akong napalunok. Hindi ko sila tinitingnan dahil sobra na ang kalabog ng puso ko. Paano kung may gawin din silang masama sa akin? Paano kung maulit na naman ang masamang nangyari sa akin? Paano ako? pero... paano naman 'tong babae na 'to?
"Lumayas na kayo!" The girl shouted while crying because I can see the tears on her cheeks.
Napatingin ako sa paligid para humingi ng tulong but to my surprise they're just looking at us like they doesn't have any plan to help us.
"Help us!" I shouted. "This guys are planning something!" I even pointed my fingers at the guys.
Pero nabigo lang ako sa mga taong nakakakita sa amin dahil tinitigan lang nila kami. They look like forming some gossips!
"Layuan niyo na ako!" the girl shouted.
Nakagat ko ang labi ko nang makita siya na tumakbo papunta sa malalim na parte nitong isla. Pakiramdam ko ay nanigas ako sa kinakatayuan ko habang pinapanood siya papalayo.
"Don't!" pigil ko sa kaniya at parang may sariling buhay ang paa ko na sinundan siya.
Sunod-sunod ang pagtulo ng luha ko at ang pangangatog ng kamay ko. I want her to feel like she's not alone. I want her to fight for it even if she's scared. I want her to escape with this. I don't want her to take her own life just because she can't feel hope. I want to her hope even I was scared too.
"Miss!" rinig kong sigaw ng kung sino pero hindi ko na nagawang tingnan.
Naramdaman ko na ang tubig sa aking dibdib at ang babae ay hanggang sa leeg na niya ang tubig. Alam ko na hindi matatahimik ang buhay ko kung may mangyari na masama sa kaniya. I'll forever blame myself if something happen.
"Miss!" pinunasan ko ang mata ko nang manlabo na ang paningin ko.
Nanlaki ang mata ko nang hindi ko na nakita ang babae. Nahikbi akong naglakad ng mabilis para hanapin siya. I dived in and I swam to look for her but I just failed because even a strand of her hair I could not see. Hindi! Hindi pwedeng nawala siya bigla! Mabilis akong umahon at pinunasan ang mukha. Hinanap ng mata ko ang dalawang lalaki na kanina ay nasa likuran ko lang.
Mabilis na kumalabog ang dibdib ko nang makita sila na nakangiti na panloko sa akin. I felt like my world suddenly shudder as I heard strange sounds attacked my ears. I closed my eyes as I covered my ears. Napatili ako dahil pakiramdam ko ay pinupukpok ang ulo ko. I opened my eyes, nanlaki ang mata ko nang unti-unti na naglalaho sa paningin ko dalawang lalaki na para bang nasa isa kaming computer.
Nakagat ko ang labi ko nang marealized kung ano ang nangyayari. I was probably hallucinating again because I was diagnosed with a psychotic disorder. I closed my fist before letting the waves eat me.
"Miss?" I held my head when I felt like my world is spinning.
"Miss, ayos kalang ba?" the lady ask me before giving me a glass of water "Inom ka muna..."
Napatulala pa ako saglit bago tunggain ang inumin. I was here at a wooden cottage and a lady in mid 50's is standing beside me.
"I'm fine na po, thank you..."
"Nakita kita kanina na nagwawala sa isla. Mabuti at naligtas ka masyado akong nag-alala para sa'yo. Palagi kang mag-iingat ha? Pasensya kana kailangan ko na umalis kasi hinihintay ako ng mister ko dahil uuwi na kami ng leyte," she explained.
I nodded "Maraming salamat po,"
Pinanood ko siya na tumalikod at naglakad palayo sa akin. Ilang minuto ang tinagal bago ko mapagdesisyunan na tumayo at maglakad-lakad. Some people are looking at me like they already knew what condition I have. Siguro iniisip nila na baliw ako dahil sa inakto ko.
"Rea! Halika rito, baka saktan ka ng baliw na 'yan..." halos magpintig ang tainga ko sa narinig mula sa babae na nasa gilid ko.
Alam ko na ako ang tinutukoy niyang baliw dahil ako lang naman ang nasa malapit sa kanila ng batang babae na kasama niya. I just ignored them and mind my own business.
We're suffering from different struggles, flaws, and imperfections. Sometimes we choose the circle where we feel safe. We choose the circle who will teach us how to hold our tears, feelings, and insecurities. We choose the circle who can accept our different complexities. Sometimes playing safe is not bad because we need to settle on the circle where we can win the silent battle.
If I want to be self-centered then I'll go for it. I'm not being selfish. I'm not being sensitive. I'm not exaggerating. I'm not arrogant. I'm not greedy. I'm not thoughtless because I just need myself. I just need myself to be my own zone and shelter. I want to let go the self blaming and self regrets that my mind and soul has. I want to be self centered. I want to be strong. I want to be my own medicine.
"Pumasok kana sa studio. Kanina pa naghihintay 'yung mga crew members sa'yo..." Mauve uttered as she entered her car with her driver.
Hindi ko na nagawang magthank you kasi mabilis niyang sinara ang pinto. It's been a years since we last see each other. Kaya nagulat pa ako nang makita siyang lumabas ng building. Naalala ko pa 'yung pagtulong niya sa akin no'ng time na walang tumulong sa'kin. How iconic right? My ex- boyfriend cheated on me and the woman with whom he cheated... was the woman who helped me.
I spend almost 3 months staying in Camiguin. Masaya... masaya na kahit papaano ay naging mag-isa ako. I was busy healing myself alone without hearing any validations and approval from others. I'm thankful because I was strong enough to handle myself. After a year, I stopped taking medicines. Instead of focusing on the negatives thoughts I always choose to put my attention to something that can hook my attention. I spend my time watching movies and some dramas while eating some snacks. I spend my time on exercising inside my room. I spend my time reading some romance books that I ordered online.
I threw away the bad experiences. I threw it but not the lessons. I learned from it... that no matter what happened. All we have is time for ourselves. The person that I can count with... was only myself. The one who can help me to stop the bad experience that keeps on haunting me is myself. No one else... only me.... only myself.
"Heart!" salubong sa akin ni Keysi, my stylist.
I licked my lower lips as I flipped my hair a bit that irritates my face. Wearing my top white tube and black rip jeans partnered with my brown boots I entered the elevator.
"5 o'clock in the morning palang, Keysi. 6 pa ang start ng shoot," inaatok kong sabi.
Napahikab pa ako bago siya balingan ng tingin. She pressed the 16th floor before looking at me.
"Na-move ng 5 o'clock and I texted you," she inform me reason why my brows furrowed.
Binuksan ko ang hawak kong kulay brown na purse at kinuha ang cellphone.
"It's silent..." bahagya ko pa tinaas ang phone ko dahilan ng pagngiwi niya.
Ngumuso siya "Wala si Miya?" tanong niya.
"Hindi ko pinasama. Sunday ngayon, day-off niya..." I explained.
She nodded and smiled at me. Of course... I smiled back! Hindi nalang kami nag-imikan dahil abala na ako sa pagbalik ng phone sa loob ng purse ko.
"Heart!" Zoe mumbled. "Kanina pa kami naghihintay!" such a hot tempered!
"Kakatapos lang din naman nung kina Mauve," Daisy said.
Zoe is our professional photographer while Daisy is Zoe's assistant or the photographer's assistant.
"Pasok na ako sa dressing room ha," Lea our hair and makeup artist uttered.
"Go on! Let's start the shoot!" Rea said, our creative director.
Ngumuso ako bago pumasok sa dressing room. Napatingin na agad ako kay Lea na inaayos ang mga makeup na gagamitin.
"Smokey makeup lang..." Lea inform me when I sat on the makeup chair.
I nodded and smiled, pinakatitigan ko nalang ang repleksyon ng aking mukha sa salamin. I look more matured now and my aura got more fiercer.
"Formal attire lang din outfit mo. Para kasing minimalist lang 'yung theme since vintage color 'yung coat," Keysie said while looking for the outfit that I'm going to use.
Cole Clothing is a clothing known for fashion men, women, adults, and teenagers. Si Hanzel ang owner nito and I was surprised because he's now damn rich! I mean, mayaman na naman sila but still he's down to earth!
"Do you know Mauve?" I asked when Lea started to put some primer on my face.
She smiled and nodded "Yes,"
"Matagal na siyang model dito?" I curiously asked.
"Alam ko one week palang nakakalipas simula no'ng pumirma siya ng kontrata,"
Napatango-tango nalang ako. Ako kasi ay two weeks na simula ng pumirma ako ng kontrata. Well, one year lang ang contract ko rito sa Cole Clothing and it's up to me if I want to renew it or not. Tsaka pwede parin naman ako mag-endorse ng ibang product as long as hindi clothing products.
"Ang ganda rin kamo no'n ni Mauve at super bait pa kahit hindi halata..." natatawang sabi ni Keysie bago pumasok sa fitting room.
"Ay true! Kanina siya pa mismo nagtimpla ng kape para sa kaniya imbes na 'yung assistant niya. Nakita niya kasi na natutulog," Lea added.
Napangiti ako sa sinabi nila. Yeah... Mauve is a good catch.
"She's kind..." nakangiti sabi ko.
"Kilala mo siya personally? Friends kayo?"
"We're not friends but she helped me when I need someone's help. Well, it's a long story," I answered while smiling.
"Five outfits pala for today..." Keysie inform me when got out of fitting room.
I just nodded and smiled. "Okay..."
"Kilala mo rin 'yung boyfriend ngayon ni Mauve? Grabe, silang dalawa halos laman ng facebook feeds ko!" Lea added while doing my makeup.
Kumunot ang noo ko dahil sa sinabi niya. Ilang taon na rin kasi ang lumipas simula nang huminto ako sa paggamit ng facebook and twitter. Minsan inoopen ko ang instagram acoount ko dahil pinopost ko ang ibang endorsement products na ineendorse ko.
"Who?" I asked.
"Wave, 'yung C.E.O ng Hoffen Inc." nanlaki ang mata ko dahil sa sinabi niya.
"Si Alon?!" gulat kong tanong.
Napakurap-kurap pa siya na tumango para bang nagulat sa tono ng boses ko. Wave?! Girlfriend ni Wave si Mauve?! For real?! OMG!
"Kilala mo si Wave, Heart?" Keysie curiously asked and walked towards me.
I calmed myself and nodded "He's my boy bestfriend and ex. Nawalan na kami ng contact sa isa't-isa mahigit 2 years. I'm not sure but yeah..."
Napanguso ako, ilang beses kasi na nagtangkang kausapin niya ako pero I refused since I don't want to hang out with anyone. Kahit mga pinsan ko ay pinatigil ko sa pagpunta sa bahay pero minsan nagpapalusot sila at sinasabi na may pinapakuha si Dad sa bahay kahit alam kong wala.
"Hala! Ex-boyfriend mo si Wave?! Akala ko si Sir Hanzel lang!" Lea said
Nanlaki ang mata ko dahil sa sinabi niya. "H-how did you know?"
"Ah..." kinakabahan siyang kinikilayan ako. "Narinig kasi namin ni Daisy at Lea na nag-uusap si Sir Hanzel at Zoe,"
"Zoe know about it? How? Hindi ko naman siya kilala dati pa," kunot-noo na tanong ko.
Si Mauve lang ang kakilala kong kaibigan na babae ni Hanzel dati at sila Vent.
"Alam ko magkaibigan si Zoe at si Sir. Like, childhood friend ata," Keysie said so I nodded. "Pero... ex-boyfriend mo rin si Sir Hanzel?" she added.
"Yes," I answered honestly.
"Ilang years kayo?" Lea asked.
"I can't remember," natatawang sagot ko dahil nakalimutan ko na talaga.
"Ba't kayo nagbreak?" Keysie asked.
Bigla akong natahimik sa tanong niya. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang tama na salita ang sasabihin ko. I don't want to sugarcoat something but I think it's not a good idea to tell them that Hanzel cheated on me with Mauve.
"It's a long story..." I answered awkwardly.
"Then make it short..." my brows furrowed when Zoe entered this room.
She look good with her simple white dress! But... she's giving me a bad aura. I don't know, maybe because her makeup is dark?
"Tell them why Hanzel---"
"I think you're not in a position to tell me what to do? It's about our relationship and you're stepping on the line,"
She chuckled annoyingly. "I know what happened. You want me to---"
"You're just Hanzel's friend and you don't have the right to tell anyone about this since I want that issue to be private. I hope you understand," pilit akong ngumiti.
Ayaw ko lang talaga na magkagulo pa. They both doing well and I'm healed on what they did to me. Alam nila ang mali nila at humingi naman na sila sa akin ng tawad and that's enough. Ayaw ko na naman na magtanim ng galit.
"Why you don't---"
I smirked playfully. "It's already done. We broke up and I accepted their sincere apology. It's over and I don't want to hold grudge for them. Hindi naman ata tama na mangialam ka sa desisyon ko..." pinakatitigan ko siya sa repleksyon sa salamin.
Bahagya pa kaming natahimik para bang may dumaan na anghel sa paligid. I just smiled at Lea and Keysi when they started doing their tasks.
"10 more minutes then we'll going to start the shoot," Zoe irritatedly said before shutting the door.
Parang nawalan ng lakas ng loob itong mga kasama ko na magtanong pa sa akin. I was annoyed because I don't want others to criticize Mauve and Hanzel. Ayaw ko na rin muna mapasok sa isang issue lalo't parehas kaming ayos na. We're doing fine so what's the deal?
Nang matapos na ako ayusan ay inabot na agad sa akin ni Keysi ang kulay brown na coat, white top tube na may nakatatak na Cole using a britanny font, brown skirt na may zipper sa gilid at brown stilletos.
Nakaupo ako ngayon dito sa color gray na single sofa. Nakapatong ang kaliwang siko ko sa gilid ng sofa habang ang kanan na kamay ko ay nakahawak sa kanan kong hita na nakakrus.
"Smile..." utos ni Zoe kaya ngumiti ako. "Raise your one eyebrow then stop smiling..." utos niya ulit kaya sinunod ko agad. "Good! 1...2...3!" she clicked many shots and I just move my head a bit still having the same aura.
Napatingin ako kay Daisy na lumapit sa akin at inayos ang ibang hibla ng buhok na tumatama sa pisnge ko.
"Alright! Smile... just your ordinary smile," Zoe uttered.
Sinunod ko naman agad lahat ng sinasabi niya. Tulad ng inaasahan ay nakalimang outfit ako ngayon. Halos 2 hours ang tinagal namin at for sure hundred shots ang na-take namin. I just let them choose every shot that they want.
"Pinapasabi pala po ni Miya na sabay-sabay daw kayo maglalunch ng family mo ngayon. Sa resort daw po na tinext ni Sir Lorenzo," Gely inform me, she's my driver.
Nginitian ko naman agad ang ibang mga crew members na naglalakad dito sa parking lot. Ngumiti naman sila pabalik sa akin bago tuluyan na pumasok sa kani-kanilang sasakyan.
"Sige... hindi muna ako sa condo ko uuwi. Dumaretso na tayo sa resort," I answered when we both entered my car.
Hindi naman putol ang kamay ko para hayaan siya na pagbuksan pa ako. Siguro kung lalaki ay hahayaan ko because that's what we called being gentlemen!
"After mo ako ihatid sa resort pwede kana umuwi," I inform her and then she smiled and nodded.
"Baka bukas po hindi ako makapasok. Graduation kasi ng kapatid ko..." nahihiyang paalam niya.
I smiled and nodded "Sure... I'll give you a one week to celebrate with your sibling. Here..." inabutan ko siya ng five thousand pesos. "Kumain kayo bukas. If you need something or kulang pa 'yan then call me," I smiled.
Miya and Gely, silang dalawa ang halos lagi kong kasama t'wing may shoot. Sila rin lagi ang naggaguide sa akin kaya as long as kaya ko ay gusto kong bigyan sila ng oras para sa sarili't pamilya nila. Halos isang taon na rin ata simula nung nagtrabaho sila sa akin.
"Hala... okay lang po--"
"Just take this..." nilagay ko sa bulsa niya ang pera. "Gift ko nalang din sa kapatid mo," nginitian ko siya kaya wala narin siyang nagawa kundi ang tumango-tango.
"Thank you,"
"You're welcome, Gely,"
The resort is not far from the building we were shooting at. Maybe it only took us 20 minutes to get here to the resort right away.
"Hi..." napabaling ako kay Lami na nagsalita.
Kunot-noo kong pinalibot ang tingin sa mga pinsan ko. Hindi pa ako nakakapasok totally ng resort ay hinaharang na agad nila ako. Oh! I miss them!
"Hello..." natatawang sagot ko.
"Mga lods, g na! walwalan!" Denver energetically chanted as he put his both big hands on my shoulder and pushed me so I can start walking.
"Ang asim mo!" asar ko sa kaniya bago pumiglas.
Pawis na pawis kasi silang tatlo ni Chave at Neejan mukha kakagaling lang sa gym. Hindi naman talaga siya maasim at ang manly parin ng scent niya sadyang gusto ko lang ulit makita ang salubong niyang kilay.
Denver groaned "Excuse me---"
"Dadaan ka?" Neejan sarcastically asked.
"Ay!" Denver covered his mouth. "Hanggang dito lang 'yung line oh. Bawal umeksena 'yung others..." he demonstrate.
Natatawa akong ngumuso. Lumapit agad sa akin si Lami at Sele bago ako yakapin. They look blooming and fresh!
"Akala namin hindi ka na naman sasama! Mabuti naman at hinarap mo na kami!" nagtatampong sabi ni Sele.
"Sorry na! I just want time for myself e. Nawalan ako ng will na makipagsocialize kahit kanino because I felt exhausted," I explained sincerely.
"Basta 'wag mo na kami ipagtabuyan ha!" bigla naman akong naguilty sa sinabi ni Lami.
"Aw, mga sadgirls na pala 'tong mga lods natin," Chave annoyingly uttered.
"Nasaan si Hailey?" natahimik silang bahagya dahil sa tanong ko na para bang nagulat sila.
Pinanood ko sila na magkatinginan na para bang nagtuturuan kung sino ang sasagot. Well, Hailey is still my cousin. Even she put a salt on my wound... she still have a part in my life.
"She's inside.." biglang seryoso na sagot ni Chave at umiwas ng tingin.
I nodded so we can throw the awkward moment. Well, Denver didn't fail us because he started to gossip something with Neejan and Chave na mga chismoso rin! Wow, dinaig pa kami. Napatingin ako kay Lami at Sele na parehas na humawak sa magkabilang braso ko. Natatawa akong umirap dahil sa ginawa nila. We're walking happy while entering the swimming pool area. Nakita ko na agad ang mga magulang namin na may inaayos na kung ano but before I take another step... Lami and Sele let go of my arms. Parang binuhusan ako ng sobrang lamig na tubig. I felt like my whole body become numb because of various emotions that envelopef my whole system. All I want is... to be out.
"Ang sinabi ko ay layuan mo muna ako. Hindi ko naman sinabing iwan mo'ko," he huskily mumbled using his sexy deep tone of voice.