Chapter 49: Called it a sob apology.
Watching her son sleep because she couldn't catch any. She had a lot to think about. She had not seen him in years and seeing him standing only a few meters away from her, made her feel threatened. Threatened because he would be capable of taking away her happiness and making her workload accumulate like he had before. That night it rained so heavily, so heavily she could feel the thunder threatening to break the windows. Christian hugged her even tighter, she could blink in the dark not knowing what would happen when they had to confront each other. Of all things that she felt, love was none of them. Her mother's words mattered to her, she was better off far away from him and his family. As it is she had to deal with the changes that would happen in her sons life with grandpa being no more. It was unbelievable, it felt unbelievable. She was grateful for all he had done for Christian but it would never take away the pain he had once caused during her childhood. The dreadful work her father had to succumb to. The hours her father had to work so he could make use of her mother. Pain and affliction he caused in her mother's life. Her mother had grown to be a bitter person about almost every single thing. His horrible deeds out numbered the good. She would forever be grateful for sticking up for Christian from the minute, he knew about him. She could never have possibly made it without the money and exorbitance, he willingly spent on Christian. He had taught Christian simple things that she could never have known.
Christian used to pee sitting, which was not wrong at all because that's what he learnt from his mother. His grandfather soon taught him how to pee standing and everything a father figure should have. Christian had gotten baptized and circumcised by professionals all at the cost of Master Joshua's money. He was open to asking for her opinion on the decisions made concerning her son. She appreciated that. She also appreciated them not telling William anything.
Her thoughts had her drained, she only managed to sleep for a bit before the sun was up and the rain drizzling. It would surely be a gloomy week. Not knowing, what to do with Christian today since his grandfather was no more. It would only be right if he went to the plantations with her. She did not feel at ease knowing he would be there with her son. It irked her, knowing his wife was probably there poking fun at her son and surely yes surely they would probably throw around Wilkins name. Panashe loathed the thought of that man. Christian was very attentive and would be sure to ask about Mr. Wilkins if he heard of him.
Glad that she no longer shared a room with her mother and that she had worked and managed to get her own space. It not a big room but it was perfect for her and her son. They had everything they needed here, there was no point of him having a room at the Gallagher mansion like they had suggested. She much preferred for him to spend the day there and return right before sunset. It did not matter how everyone perceived her anymore. Yes, she would fully accept that she was the house pet that came back impregnated by a married white man. She had, heard every single horrible whisper people made about her. It bothered her what people thought but soon enough, when the damage was already done, it did not matter at all. They would never know the joy of watching her son show her a drawing or watching her son from afar or how he giggled and made snazzy jokes. He definitely got his humor from his grandfather. They always made a banter of everything.
There was a loud knock, that disturbed her thoughts. It was loud and persistent, she felt afraid, it must have been only past 5am. Removing her sons arms, she softly got off the bed, avoiding making any sounds or movement. She was sure it must have been her overseer knocking on everyone's door to tell them that they had to get ready for work even if it was raining.
She opened the door slightly unsure what to expect. She found a man standing there drenched by the rain. They stared at each other for a long while, she did not know what to say. She did not know what he wanted. She wouldn't invite him inside either. Still a little taken aback, she left him standing in the pouring rain. His eyes bloodshot red. "...uh Panashe.." was the first thing he said not knowing where to even begin. He could not catch any sleep either. The thoughts of his son and how his life was spiraling down hill kept him up. The false life, he had lived for so long. The people he had hurt in the process.
"I think you happen to be at the wrong place. I do not work anywhere near the mansion, if you're need of housekeeping or any other aid, I'm sure you could ask the supervisor there." She was about to close the door when he stopped her.
"We need to discuss a few things? Hear me out."
She let out a heavy breath. "I don't have anything to say to you, Master William. Except my condolences."
"I have a lot to say to you."
"...Please leave me be. I do not want anything to do with you. I do not have anything to say either. I'm really trying my level best to act civil. I just—" she could feel her eyes betraying her so she turned to look at the floor. "Please just leave me alone, do not cause any trouble for me." The rain continued to soak into his clothes, he did not seem to care as he stared at her. Not knowing what to do.
"He does not know you. Don't bring havoc and confusion in his life. He just lost someone who was very dearly important to him from the beginning and he can not have this on top of that pile..."
"I only want to apologize—"
"Nothing, absolutely nothing can change the hurt and shame you caused me in the past. Nothing will change the fake promises you made me. Nothing will change how you manipulated me into falling for a rapist. Nothing absolutely nothing will change how you ruined my life, made me pregnant without my consent for your own contemptuous reasons only to label me a liar with your wife?! I gave you everything. I willingly sacrificed my self dignity for you. I never once asked for you to tell me that you loved me. I never begged for you to take my innocence. I'm not that girl anymore, you can not use me. I might be a slave but I will never, never again willingly give myself to you. Not even your sob apology will make up for this."
William blinked away a few tears, soon enough they were covered with the pouring rain cascading down his head. He was dumbfounded and absolutely speechless. He knew nothing he would say at this very moment could change her mind. She had changed. She was adamant and strong in her stance and the words that came out of her mouth.
"Regardless, I'm sorry..." He said his voice breaking at the end, with that he walked away. A small bottle of alcohol coming out of his pocket. Panashe watched him take a huge gulp as he walked away in the pouring rain. Not knowing how to feel, she closed the door. Somewhat content because she had always wanted to say what she had said for as long as she could remember.
In the far corner, Christian had his eyes wide open. Her heart skipped a beat. "I want to go see grandpa..." He said sitting up, rubbing his somber eyes. A feeling of weariness traveled down her spine.