Chapter 73: Called it maturity.
—
Even though seventy-two hours had passed, she could still feel the present ache of disappointment, hurt, frustration? Panashe did not know how to feel. Her tears refused to fall, she told everyone she was doing alright. She smiled but beneath it all she could feel the anger and hatred towards her mother growing and growing...
William had questioned how she wanted to handle the whole situation but she told him, she would deal with it and that she did. Doris was no longer her mother, they were merely strangers and she had made that very clear on their last encounter.
—
"Panashe, did you see what that lover of yours did to me?" Her mother let out crocodile tears. "How can he shame me in front of all those people? Manhandle me in the presence of the people I live with..."
Panashe crossed her arms allowing her mother to talk.
"You only came to see me as of late? Why now? You have been distributing goodies for everyone but now you're here out of guilt?" This made Panashe let out a bitter laugh. Her mother had never seen her daughter laugh while they were having a serious conversation. It made her feel as if she was not taking her seriously. Why would she be laughing? Doris was bitterly letting out muffled cries, her daughter did not dare step further into the room to comfort. She stood near the door at a distance... with a somber feeling and bitter taste in her tongue. Was this really her mother? How could her mother have done what she did? She needed to know why? What had she done to ever deserve this? Everything that she had went through... having to get an abortion and being shamed for it by the person who caused it. Often times, all the prayers she had made with stained cheeks asking God what was the reason... what had she done to receive such a harsh punishment. All she had ever done was try to be a decent person and make it out alive. She had no plans of finding love or being inlove. She never had plans of being pregnant. She never planned for her life to plan out the way it did. For her mother to enjoy her pain, to enjoy every tear she shed on her mother's shoulder. Panashe could feel her heart feeling constrained physically from the pain of just the thoughts of it.
"I wish I understood you..." Panashe finally let out.
Her mother rolled her eyes. "You have not even brought me anything to consolidate what your barbaric Caucasian Master did."
"He did the right thing, I'm afraid... I wish he did worse."
"I always knew you were ungrateful. It was thanks to me that you even met him. You owe everything to me for putting you in that house."
Panashe chuckled. "You make it sound as if you did me a favor. You make it sound as if I enjoyed every moment of being molested and—" she paused. "You make it sound as if I was having a great time. I told you time and again. I begged you to return home, you would not allow me."
Her mother cut in. "I knew that he would fall for your beauty eventually and things would change. A little perseverance never hurt anyone. I always knew that you were a bright star, the one and only negro to reside in the Gallagher home. A free woman, a free lady. My dear, I set you up for success. As much as you had accommodate his manhood here and there... you call it difficult." She chuckled. "You never knew difficult till the day you worked in the field. Satisfying a man is just as much enjoyable for yourself. I fail to understand why you love to play molested victim when you lay with him every single day as of late. Such a hypocrite!"
"Are you done?" She asked quite rudely, something she had never done to her mother. Doris only clicked her tongue.
"Why did you have them rape me?" She questioned. "When I was crying and screaming for help? You were there? You ignored my cries—" she paused. "How could you be so heartless? When they beat me to a pulp and you helped me dress and bath until my wounds healed... you knew all along? How do you live with yourself? What kind of a mother are you Doris, certainly not mine?"
Flabbergasted but soon recovered Doris cleared her throat. "I assume William has told you all these lies to turn you against me? I'd never do such and you're aware that you're my pride and joy. I'm disappointed that you're allowing this pink man come between us. I raised you better than that Panashe!"
"You always have something to say.."
"Am I not allowed to defend myself when you and that man are plotting lies against me."
"Joshua Gallagher wrote down all the proof and unless you do not want to be beheaded, I advise you tell the truth. You disgust me Doris. You're vile and evil, I hate myself for ever leaving you in the care of my son. For trusting that you had my best interests at heart. Who knows just how deranged you're?"
"How can you take Joshua's word against your mother's?"
"Just stop please... you only look ridiculous denying your malicious deeds. I'm teed off by our relation."
"I'm sorry.." Doris said quickly. "I had to, I had no choice."
"No more lies, I beg of you. You're not my mother, you're nothing to me. I wish I could make you disappear from my life which I could but I'm not as vile as you're. Unfortunately I did not inherit your rather beastly ways—"
"But—"
"Please Doris, Just this once listen to me and we never have to tolerate each other." Panashe cleared her throat surprised that she was doing this on her own. Standing up to her mother, without anyone holding her hand. Surprised that even at the point with all the painful words exchanged, her eyes were still dry. She had been through it all, through so much that devastation did not come easy. She been raped, abused, beaten, pissed at— the list is endless.
She had to still smile and serve every morning... facing the man who had visited her the night before in the dark. She had to lie to an honest man to hide her lies. She had to lay with him to conceal the once 'mistake' she thought she had abominated. The man who had promised her the world had turned against her and left her heartbroken and awaiting to give birth to the life they had created within their web of lies. She had to give birth with no one to hold tight or blame for the pain she was in. She had to go back to work the day after she had given birth. She had succumbed to all the painful whispers and stares. She had no one but her mother but her mother had been her true enemy all along. This had not phased her as much as it should, she had built a wall with every obstacle she passed.
"I do not want your petty excuses." She stated sternly. "I do not want you anywhere near my son. I do not want you near me, you're not my mother. William wants you gone, at another plantation, he wants you transported to the plantation back in Africa. He wants you beheaded and punished but he is not heartless like you neither am I. All I ask is you have your sons, that you hold at a high pedestal. I hope they will be here for you. Do not interfere in my life, you have done enough. I will remain where I am and so should you. I hope you're happy, as sadistic as you're. I hope you enjoyed every single second of my distress. Unfortunately that has come to an end, it is rather my time to finally be happy. I do not want you far, I want you near to witness my son growing up to be your master, yes my son that mulatto that you constantly laid your hands on for the most idiotic things. I want you here Doris, I want you close... I want you to witness my giving birth to more mulattos. You will see them running all around the yard and you will not have the permission to even be at close proximity. I want you close to witness me being happy and spreading these thighs for the man that I love. I want you here, close. I want to watch you die. I want to watch you work with no change for every other coming day. I hope all your malicious ways were worth it."
Dropping her once crossed arms, she left her mother stupefied. At first she had underestimated her daughter. Doris was so flabbergasted her quick smart mouth was suddenly dry and... tongue tied. For someone who could never be hurt easily each word went through like a sharp blade piercing her soul. Doris watched her daughter walk away from her. She watched the woman she had raised into an admirable lady... leave, this time for good. She would always be so close but yet so far. Doris would have preferred to be shipped off far away than for her to be so close to her daughter yet be mere strangers. The little girl that had cane out of her very womb would be an acquaintance for life? For eternity? That really made her shaky with hurt. Her tears pierced through, unknowingly unfortunately it was too late and she was well aware of it.
—
Panashe and William watched Austin act weirdly. He had never been this way, even William testified to it. It was their very first encounter, Panashe had been introduced to Merrigold. She however did not seem keen, it was clear Austin had probably dragged her five months self to the Gallagher estate.
"Isn't he just the most adorable?" Austin said to Merri after Christian had ran off right after greeting them. Merri only shrugged. It seemed she had no care what so ever and she would not try to put on a Facade for her acquaintances.
"How far long are you Merri?" Panashe decided to break the tenseness.
"I do not know, I have not had the care to count. I suppose, I can only rejoice when it is out of me."
"Merrie? I thought we spoke about this!" Austin groaned.
"Supposedly 22 weeks.." William told Panashe who only nodded.
"Thought of any names yet?" Lady Martha intervened at which everyone was glad because of how tense it had been.
"... nothing yet Ma'am, thought I'd leave all that to Austin after all it's his child." Merrie answered with a somber frown.
"Our child!" Austin forced a smile. Merrie rolled her eyes, she seemed frustrated and unhappy. His hand wrapped around her waist fondling her belly bump.
Lady Martha only nodded. "What are your plans after the child is born?"
"Frankly Austin can have it."Merrie said quickly with no sense of emotion on her face. Another awkward moment passed, every time she spoke... Austin winced. This was a different side of Austin they had ever seen. He seemed a tad bit softer a considerate maybe because she was carrying his child.
"But Merrigold, the baby is yours just as much as it is his."
"With all due respect Mrs. Gallagher, I never asked for this. It's not my responsibility, I do not see how I have to be expected to love it—"
"That's enough Merri!" Austin silenced her. "Uh just thought we would pass by. It was nice seeing you all. Hopefully the next time we visit we will have a bundle of joy in our arms. Isn't it Merrie?" He nudged her. She abruptly removed his hand and walked off.
"I feel nauseous, please excuse me."
Austin then smiled at the three pair of eyes looking at him with pity. "Pregnancy brings a lot of moody moods. She was telling me earlier how excited she is for our child."
"Ofcourse!" William added accompanying him out leaving Panashe to talk to his mother. Before Austin joined Merrigold in the golden carriage, he confessed. "I suppose I'm the one who fell.." He paused, eyeing Merri from afar. "Painfully hard."
William could only chuckle, he had never seen his friend so wrapped around someone much less a woman's finger.