“You handled that well,” Joshua says.
A yawn escapes me, I cover my mouth. “You think?”
Bren apologised to every one at the table. Even Wyn. I’m not sure why I told her to apologise to her twin when she was the only person she favoured during her outburst. But I’m glad she did. I rest my head on the table. He laughs. I look dead. Dark circles have become a constant. I haven’t had good sleep in days.
He drums his fingers on a folder on the table. I prop my chin on my palms. “Are you going to call her?”
Mother is in the room she spent the night after the twins birthday party. Joshua insists he’s not sleeping over but he’s not ready to leave. I can do with a hot shower and cuddles with her right now. But yeah.
“I don’t think she will pick.”
The bottle of juice in his hand almost drops, he takes a sip and passes it to me. “Did you even try?”
Once or twice. The first time, her number rang without interruptions, the next time, it was unreachable. She might have blocked me. I am the one who should be upset, not her. She put my kids in harms way and I took them away from her. I gave her a chance to be with her Mister Perfect and business partner.
“Maybe.” Joshua lifts a brow. I lower the bottle to the table without drinking from it. “I did.”
He pulls out his phone and a thrill shoots through me. Is he about to call her? I am fine with hearing her voice. My hands shake as I arrange the files on my worktable. My home office is a mess and I use this time to make something neat out of it. Ants swarm my belly as I stack the files in Project El to one folder.
If I wasn’t so busy with Brianna and the twins, we would have launched it. Jei has been understanding so we moved the launch to June. Anticipation runs through me. I can’t wait for the world to see the magic.
“She will be at home in the morning,” Joshua says.
My head snaps up. “Huh?”
Sighing, he flattens his palms on the table and leans forward. “El will be at the mansion in the morning.” Will she be alone? She better be. I don’t want to see T. “Do with that information whatever you want.”
Mentally sifting through my schedule for Sunday, my head bobs. Brianna has to go for her sessions—voice lessons, then physiotherapy. I am not required to be in attendance but I like joining her for moral support. Cara can take over, after all, it’s what she’s paid to do but I think Brianna likes having me there.
“Are you sure it’s a good idea to go see her?”
Our last encounter wasn’t the best. She probably loathes the sight of me. I shouldn’t have uttered that remark but it was the God honest truth. I always put her first but it’s impossible for her to do the same.
The sigh that escapes Joshua is so heavy I can taste his disappointment in my question. “You two are...” He spins his chair and grabs the edge of the table. My hands fall on my knees as his gaze hardens. His eyes rake my body and he scowls. “You are so...” He throws his hands up. “I don’t know the word for it.”
I don’t know the word for it either because I have not the faintest idea what he’s on about. El treats him better than she does me so he thinks and speaks kindly of her. She holds him to a fairer standard and I am her husband. We were both involved in getting the shares to help her company but he was forgiven.
“Just try to remember, Brandon. It’s not about you two anymore,” he murmurs in a tone barely above a whisper but it knocks the wind out of me. He makes it sound like I’m the selfish one. I am looking out for my girls. “It’s more than you or El. It’s about Bren and her sister.” He sighs. “Don’t ruin their childhood.”
Like our parents ruined ours. I expel a shaky breath. It is not about me. It was never about me. My head bobs. I’m a father now, my needs come second to my girls. I can’t tow the same path my parents did. I spare a glance at Joshua but he’s looking out the window. The fucking shite always leaves me thinking.
Joshua stands. “I think I’ll spend the night.” I respond with a half-grin. “Then drop Mum off tomorrow.”
“Sounds good to me,” I say.
Leaning on the door frame, he mutters, “Goodnight and good luck tomorrow.”
Why do I need luck? He’s gone in a heartbeat, taking the answers to my unspoken questions with him. I push myself to my feet, a dull throbbing in my heart as I dial El’s number once more. Same old reply.
Lethargy sweeps over me. I switch off the table lamp and head outside. I march to the guest room, hesitant to knock on the door. I don’t want to ruin her sleep. Throwing fucks to the wind, I knock twice.
Mother’s voice ushers me in. The door is unlocked, I step in and squint at the darkness.
“Over here,” she says.
Her voice comes from somewhere behind the window. The moonlight guides my steps as I bridge the distance between us. She points to the seat in front of her, I lower myself to it and her gaze returns to the starless sky. I follow her gaze out the window to see what she sees but there’s nothing of interest.
“Thank you for coming,” I whisper.
Still looking outside, she replies, “Thank you for inviting me.”
The light casts a shadow atop her head, my brows furrow. She doesn’t wear beanies. I clear my throat when she catches me staring but I don’t look away. I know she’s sick but that’s all she’s willing to tell me.
She pulls the beanie off and I gasp.
Sweet Lord.
Her head cocks to one side as she takes in my shock.
She has no hair.
But she had hair downstairs. Wait a minute. I drag my chair close to her, our knees touch and she laughs. I don’t understand why I’m surrounded by people who think laughing is the best reply.
My fingers hover above her scalp, she tilts her head forward so I can touch it and I trace a line on her skull. Pain clogs my throat, I blink back tears quick to make an appearance. She loved her hair so much.
Seconds later, she pulls away to rest her head on the throw pillow propped on the windowsill. I wring my hands until they lose feeling and my insides knot in a twist. She is too calm, too accepting of her fate.
“How long?” I ask, afraid to hear her answer.
She stretches her hand to me and I take it. It’s such a tiny gesture but my lips spread in a big smile.
“I don’t know,” she answers. “I told them not to tell me.” My brows shoot up but she’s too focused on the view outside to notice my reaction. “I don’t want to live the remaining moments of my life on a countdown, waiting for it to happen.” No, I don’t like the sound of this. “Let it happen when it happens.”
A tear rolls down her cheek and shimmers under the moon. I look away when she wipes the traitorous tear but my whole body thrums with a different kind of pain and other sad emotions. Knowing is better.
How long has she been sick? If I didn’t spend so much time hating on them, I might have known earlier.
“You are doing a great job with the girls. Better than we ever did,” she says with a laugh that turns into a coughing fit. I jump to my feet, patting her back until the cough subsides. “Sorry. That tends to happen a lot.”
With one hand on her back, I help her with the beanie and she tugs it over her head. It brings back the semblance to the lady who raised me. I move across the room as directed to retrieve a bottle of water.
“Well, don’t be sorry,” I say as I uncap the bottle. She accepts it with shaky hands. “I’m no longer mad at you.” She chuckles and sets the bottle by her feet. We sit in silence till I cannot bear it any longer. “How come you didn’t say anything?” There’s none of that anger that was present in my voice the first time.
Mother’s responding laughter is soundless and hollow. She shakes her head. “We were going to say so many things. We were going to say a lot and do a lot more.” Her lips curl into a funny smile as her eyes glaze over. A shudder ripples through me. “Your father was beside himself with fury. I was stunned.”
Coughs wrack her body, she motions for me to sit when I attempt to stand. After a few sips of water, she exhales deeply. My nails sink into the armrest of the couch as a feeling of helplessness topples over me.
“You know? I always joked that you were cold but I didn’t want to believe you did that.” Her eyes lower to her feet, she smoothens her robe and sighs heavily. “Joshua wanted to get you arrested, your father wanted it too. But I refused. I had just lost one son and they wanted to take the other one from me.”
The anguish in her voice cuts through me and I choke on a sob. Guilt tears my inside, a stupid tear leaks to my cheek. A hand runs over my face. The younger me wasn’t as smart as everyone thought or I would have known better than to take his life. He was a son and a brother. And now, he’s dead over nothing.
“Joshua packed out of the house that weekend. My boy didn’t speak to us for five years,” she says. “The dinner at your house was our first time of seeing him. Sure, we kept tabs.” Her tone is lighter, I almost smile. “We keep tabs on all of you.” Mother shrugs. There’s no hint of remorse or regret on her face. “That’s how we found Sofie.” She holds my gaze for a second and my lips twitch. “We found her grave.”
Silence falls over us, so thick and uncomfortable it threatens to suffocate me. I squirm in my seat.
“It is easy to understand why you did it but it was wrong.” Mother doesn’t hide her tears and it doubles my guilt. “Bri is here now but there will never be another Brendan.” Because I killed him. I took him from his parents. She grabs my hands in a firm grip. “Your father and I have made peace with his death. And I hope you can too. I hope you forgive yourself and allow yourself to love and be loved the right way.”
Raising our interlinked hands to her mouth, she places a kiss on my knuckles. “Let go of it all, Son.”