Brianna insists on using her Rollator to get inside the house. It relieves me because the last thing I need is any form of body contact. Numb, I help her to her room and rush past El but barely get past the twins.
“Daddy,” they scream and jump on me, forcing me to stop.
El stares at me worriedly but I don’t offer her an explanation. I barely remember hugging and kissing my babies, everything is a blur as El ushers them away.
I jog up the stairs to my room and stop in front of the wardrobe. A second, two second, I’m not sure how many seconds pass. Vincent’s confession plays in my head like a broken record and my breath hitches.
Oh, God.
I grip the door of the wardrobe.
I didn’t do it.
His words soak my being. It can’t be. The death certificate stated the accident as the cause of death. My hands run through my hair, I should have put my fingers in his mouth the same way he did to Brendan.
Why now?
The weight in my chest drops to my belly, my hands shake as I try to remove my shirt. I miss the buttons and yank the shirt open and the buttons to roll to the floor. Who made these fucking shirts anyways?
The door opens, El steps inside. It takes her a moment to find me, within that time, I manage to rip my shirt because the fucking thing refuses to come off. El stops in front of me, the corner of my lips quirk.
Her presence unleashes a mix of emotions. She was wrong all along, I was too. I am not a monster.
My eyes sting.
My heart hurts.
Everything comes crashing down on me. I am tired. I want it all to go away.
Grabbing my hands to place them on her waist, El helps me out of what is left of my shirt. I am quiet as she drags me to sit on the bed. Her hand settles on my knees and her lips twitch. Her touch is so foreign and so soft I refuse to believe she is real. No. I refuse to believe the events of the last few hours are real.
El kneels between my legs, I bury my face in my hands and release a sound that stops her movements. All these years he watched me suffer. He knew. He wasn’t the fool I assumed he was. He fucked me up.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she whispers.
I shake my head. One, a part of me believes it’s a lie to get on my good side and more visits to Brianna. It took him ten years to tell me the truth. Two, I will be rendered into an emotional mess once I try to speak. I am supposed to be a big man, the billionaire CEO. I must be tough. I have to stay strong, process this info and think of a logical response.
But my eyes sting way too much. My heart is too heavy and the words want out. I shake my head again. El nods and gets to work on removing my shoes. She pushes my hand away when I attempt to help. I try to stand but give up immediately at her frown. He ruined us before we had a chance to become a family.
Next is my trouser, I lift myself high enough for her to pull it down. The boxers follow, my singlet too. In a few minutes, I am naked and she’s on her knees before me with a smile that makes me feel undeserving.
My mood improves a bit as she guides me to the bathroom, she pushes me gently under the shower and jets of warm water rain down on me. I open my mouth to protest when El turns her back to me. I don’t want to be alone. A breath of relief slips from my lips when she shrugs out of her clothes and joins me.
With my head cast down, it’s easy for her to sponge me. El bathes me while I watch the soapy water pool at my feet. The walk back to the room is in silence, she helps me into a short and dons one of my old T-shirts. My confusion clears when she tucks me under the covers, getting in to spoon me from behind.
I don’t know if it’s her warm presence or hands massaging my shoulders or light kisses she places on my neck but the dam breaks. Tears trail down my cheeks. I don’t make a sound, I don’t want to worry her.
I didn’t do it.
I didn’t kill him.
I am not a brother killer.
A sob from deep within my heart tunnels out of my throat. The talk about keeping silent flies out the window. I vaguely remember El pulling me up, how her arms wrap around me while I bury my face in her stomach and cry to my heart’s content. El never stops whispering sweet nothings into my ears, she holds me like she would have done to Wyn or Bren.
I nod a few times, trying and failing to keep the tears at bay. I have held them in for too long and they won’t stop flowing. El strokes my back, making lazy circles down my spine until I eventually quiet down.
We stay that way for a long time, her jaw rests on my head while her fingers continue their movement and the ache in my heart greatly subsides. With the drying of the tears comes a new clarity. I am in El’s arms.
She is hugging me.
She is touching me.
She is not mad at me.
She doesn’t hate me.
She is here.
I like it. I don’t want her to leave, I don’t want to be alone tonight or for the rest of my life.
“Elna,” I whisper into her chest, almost afraid to face her. I have only shown this amount of vulnerability to her once but I don’t regret it. Her fingers sink into my scalp, my eyes shut tight at the sensations that course through my body with each touch. We are yet to have that talk but I don’t feel up for it. “Stay.”
“I had no intention of leaving,” she says when I raise teary eyes to her. I smile and she sticks out her tongue. She is my sunshine and she makes everything better. “I love you.” Pecking me on my forehead, she pushes my head back to her lap. “We can… we will talk about it tomorrow, okay?”
Not okay. I don’t want to talk about it anytime soon. I’ll like to stay in her arms for as long as she allows me. Where do I start from? There is a lot to unpack, a lot of questions that might never be answered.
El senses my hesitation. “If you don’t want to talk about it, it’s fine.” My eyes meet hers, she smiles. “But get some rest, okay?” Her fingers thread into my hair. “I’ll be here for you when you wake.” El places a wet kiss on my temple to support her words, my arms tighten around her. My Elna. “Go to sleep, baby.”
Goosebumps skitter down my arms, a small smile takes over my features. Excitement washes over me, followed by a strong tidal wave of fatigue. I nod, releasing my grip on her only slightly to allow her space for moving. I hear a switch go off, darkness falls over us and her fingers resume caressing my lower back.
I love this woman more than life itself.
Slight movements under me have my eyelids fluttering, I throw an arm over my eyes to prevent the light from seeping in. A strong aroma wafts into my nostrils, the familiar smell of coffee. I peel my eyes open.
A brown-eyed angel smiles at me, I grunt as she helps me into a sitting position like I can’t do it myself. It is cute and annoying. I want us to have a conversation about our future so I can touch her freely without the fear of us breaking up again. I want to be close to her every second of the day. To be held and loved.
El offers me the cup of coffee, all black, just as I used to like it. I inhale and drop the mug on the drawer, smiling at her bemused face. I don’t want anything bitter in my life again. I want all the cream and sugar.
“Can you add some cream?” I say. Her brows furrow, thick lines appear on her forehead.
Without thinking, I smoothen them and a shy smile takes over her face as she moves another inch away from me. As small as the distance between us is, I don’t like it but I am glad she is still here with me. We are the weirdest pair. For God’s sake, she held me while I cried last night, brought me lunch. We fucked.
“Lots of cream,” I murmur, expecting a hint of a smile in return but her frown deepens into a scowl. I caress her lips, pepper a soft kiss on her neck and cheek. “Cream and coffee just the way you like it, Elna.”
“Oh.” Her brown lips stay in the shape of an O for a second too long. I lean forward to kiss her, nearly closing the distance when she clears her throat. “I can make another one for you.” A note of urgency slips into her voice, she runs her fingers over my wrinkled shirt. “Stay here, I will make you another cup.”
She jumps to her feet. Throwing me a backward glance, she murmurs, “I’ll be right back, okay?”
“Baby, wait.” El stops, slowly turning around to face me. A sad smile curves my lips at how she hides her hands behind her and rolls her lip between her teeth. I don’t want her to be nervous around me. We can fix this. “Forget it.” Her eyes widen, she shuffles closer to me, settling on the spot I pat. “Elna, it’s me.”
Last night, she babied me. Now, she can’t bear to look me in the eyes. She spares me a careful glance.
“What’s going on?” I ask her. I slide my hand up her cheek and she moans lightly. “Talk to me, baby.”
She covers that hand, her eyes hold mine in a trance. “What happened last night, Brandon?”