“So Vincent gave you this?” El holds up the worn-out diary. I nod. She stares at it in shock. “Wow.”
“He wanted to see Brianna,” I explain.
“Because he’s her uncle,” she finishes for me. “I cannot believe this.” Neither did I at first.
She flips a few more pages and raises her head. “He has seen Brianna, right?” Another nod. Her curiosity is cute as she devours the content of Nicole’s diary, something I have not been able to bring myself to do. I know the most important bit already. “Do you need to seek his permission before adopting her?”
“Dunno.” But I will most likely not be doing that. El adjusts her legs on my lap and pushes herself up the pillow with one elbow. I don’t know why I’m reluctant to tell her the truth of his death. “Are you done?”
She raises the diary and shrieks. “Done? Hell no.” Her gaze lowers. “She writes down everything.”
Her tone is a bit reprimanding. I massage her feet, tease her by pushing her shirt up her thighs. El’s silent warning flies over my head. I pinch her clit and she presses her legs together, locking my hand between her legs. My lips pucker. It’s her fault.
Why’s she wearing my shirt without panties? Why’s she so sexy?
“What was she like?” El asks.
Just like that, the mood shifts. I retract my hand and spread my legs so she can sit between them. Her back connects to my chest, she holds the diary and I glimpse the page she’s reading. I haven’t seen this bit. It describes someone. Someone I don’t care to read more about. I close my eyes and picture Nicole.
“Quiet.” It was hard to convince her to go out with me at first. Maybe I should have taken her early signs of resistance as red flags. But to me, it was a challenge and I loved challenges. Still do. “Nice. Innocent.”
The first time I told her about submissive and dominant, she shrunk into herself. Mouth wide open, eyes bulging with a childlike curiosity and excitement I had never seen on another woman. Sophia and I had been friends for a while then, she wasn’t the least bit innocent so Nicole was a new, welcome change.
El slams the diary shut. “Was she pretty?”
“Yeah...” I realise it’s not the right answer a little too late and add, “I guess. She was okay.”
“Hmm.”
My head lowers, I press a kiss behind her ear. El needs not worry. Even if Nicole were to be alive, I’ll pick El over and over again. “Are you jealous?” She shakes her head but I see past it. “You are my first kiss.”
“You are my first husband.”
“You are my first wife,” I reply with a laugh and we start a game of firsts.
I’m a lot of firsts for her. First sex. First lover. First heartbreaker. First baby daddy. First dominant. She’s a lot of firsts for me too. First kiss. First wife. First love. First baby mama. First virgin. First everything.
El spins in my arms and I help her up so we are facing each other. “I have a question.”
The column of her throat bobs, an indication the question might be a hard one. I stare at the puppies on the shorts I donned after we cleaned up. This precious moment might be ruined by her question. Then I think again, fuck it.
“Go on. Ask.”
El slides her hands into mine. It’s her silent way of reminding me she will always be here with me.
I like this. I like this version of her.
“On our first night,” she starts, “you couldn’t go through with it because I was a virgin.” My head hangs shamelessly when I remember how I treated her. We were both new to the whole marriage and I lashed out at her. Her first night as a submissive was worse. I didn’t do right by her. “Is... Is it because of her?”
“Yeah,” I answer with utmost sincerity.
I wasn’t a virgin when I met Nicole. I wasn’t a manwhore either but I never ran out of options. None of the women expected more than good sex. The unspoken rules were loud and clear. No strings attached. But Nicole was different, she wanted everything. She clung to me. She brought me coffee. She cooked.
It was worse when she showed up at my house to let me know she was pregnant with my kid. I had never been as disappointed, as angry as I was with anyone in my life. I didn’t remember sleeping with her but there she was at the door, holding up a test result that showed she was pregnant. Bloody hell.
“It was cruel of her,” El whispers. It was. “She didn’t deserve you, Brandon.” She didn’t? El nods and I realise I spoke out loud. “Nicole manipulated you.” Her hands clench at her sides, she’s not looking at me when she says, “A friend would never do what she did. She was terrible, a perfect fit for Brendan.”
Laughter spills freely from my lips. Nicole might have been my friend at the beginning but that changed the moment she drugged me.
Those words twist itself in my head and a lot of bad possibilities spring up.
What if something had gone wrong? What if she had mistakenly increased the dose and I never woke? Why didn’t she come to speak to me first, as a friend? I was nothing but honest with her, even offering friendship to make up for rejecting her affections. I was a good friend to her but it didn’t matter to her.
“Yeah,” I say to El. “She was a terrible friend.”
As the words depart my lips, I laugh so hard, so carefree. It’s funny it took El saying it for me to realise something that has always stared me in the face. Her death isn’t my fault. This whole thing started with her and Brendan. It should have ended with them. But because of her silence, her lies, it only grew into something big, bad and sinister.
“She was a coward too,” El adds. She’s angry. I try to take her hands but she shakes her head. “She had so many chances to tell you, she could have called you but she took the pills.” I guess between me and Nicole, she is the fucking coward. El pouts and my heart flutters. “I’m so pissed and I don’t even know her.”
“Baby, she’s dead now. It doesn’t matter.”
“Yeah.” El screams at the wall, “Nicole, you were an asshole.” I grin. “Shame on you.”
“Shame on you, Nicole,” I scream as well.
We fall to the bed laughing, her legs tangle in mine and she rolls close to me to rest her head on my chest. We stay that way in the quiet of our room, my hands move down her back and I let out a breath.
It’s time.
“Brendan was already dead before the car crashed.” I don’t think El understands, she continues stroking my belly and my chest rumbles with laughter. She is as innocent as Nicole, maybe more. My fingers sink into her scalp and she flicks a finger over my nipple. “Baby, did you hear me?”
El looks up. “Yeah but I don’t know what to say.” She licks her lips, her confusion evident as her elbow meets my belly. “He died in the crash, he died before the crash. What does it matter if he’s dead now?”
Lips widened in a grin, I pull her up and prop my back on the pillow. My wife is such a cutie.
“It matters a lot, love.” El nods, more for my sake. Her eyes are warm as she stares at me, she doesn’t want me to break down. My hand slips into the shirt to cup her bare ass and El wiggles on my erection. “Because it means I am not a brother killer.”
One. Two. Three. I lost count of how many seconds pass before she stretches to get a proper look at my face. My countenance doesn’t change but hers does. A million emotions race across her face and she gasps.
“What?” she croaks out. Her tears are pouring now, she’s holding a hand to her mouth to keep it down but it’s not helping. “I don’t understand.” But I do. I think I do. It’s so fucked up. “You... You said you did something to the car,” she sputters out. El slaps my chest at my smile. “Now is not the time to smile.”
“It is. I’m happy.” My chest bubbles with joy too much to contain. Her tears fall to my chest, she sniffs and I bring her head down to my chest. I press a soft kiss to her hair. “Do you know what it means?”
It means I am free. I can walk into a room full of the Starks and hold my head high because I didn’t kill him. Anyone who dares to cast a stone at me for my previous sins must first show me their sinless slate.
“Vincent killed him,” I say. I close my eyes and let the words pour out freely from my lips. My only sin so far was being an asshole to a brother who was an asshole to me. But it’s not so unforgivable that I can't live.
“He’s her uncle?” El smacks my cheek lightly when I burst into laughter. Her head is spinning. I imagine the wheels doing a 360 as she tries to come to terms with everything I’ve said. El jumps out of the bed and makes a dash for the wardrobe. “We have to tell Joshua. We have to tell your parents.”
I do. But I don’t want to move an inch. El sheds off my shirt and pulls out a blue gown. She moves clothes around the wardrobe for a while, then holds up a sweatshirt and pants for me. Her eyes narrow when she sees me sprawled on the bed with my hands behind my neck. I don’t feel like doing anything.
“Brandon, get up.” I pout. She tosses the clothes to me. “Get up. Now.”
Grudgingly, I change into the outfit while El does the same. I don’t like this El so much, I want the El that loves to kiss me every time. El picks a bunch of keys from the dresser and spares me a long look.
“I’m driving.”