She ran short of words suddenly. It was so hurtful for her that she played with his feelings, it really was. And she was truly sorry for that. Truly, truly sorry. Sorry for thousandth time, umpteenth times. She just had a word ' sorry' for playing such a low game with him, and for whom, that Daniyal? Who asked his brother to harass her? Who lured him in his trap?
What Irtaza did was his attribute, he reflected his own self. Whatever he did was on him. Though, he had punished her too for playing with his feelings but still it didn't remove that guilt from her heart. She didn't know why. She was a very kind hearted person, hurting someone physically was another thing but hitting someone's weak point was something she never expected from herself. It made her loathe herself. It still made her feel guilty even that guilt was never removed from her heart, at first place.
"Answer senorita"
"I...I.." she wanted to utter a sorry but her guilt didn't let her.
"I've an honest answer now."
"I didn't me-"
"I've already done alot with you Zahra. You should not sound sorry" he muttered and left the table before giving a peck on her face.
........................
"I don't know but it matters to me alot" she said, looking towards the beautiful moon. They both were on the terrace, the sky twinkled with stars as the moonlight peeked on them.
"Why?" he asked, as he sat by her side.
"I don't know why I'm like that" she told in her sad voice, "it really affects me what people think about me"
She was on the terrace alone, a few minutes ago when Irtaza joined her and then they both begin to talk when this certain topic clicked in.
"I'm a very under confident person, I think whatever I do is just stupid. But I value people alot. People always tend to look at my flaws Irtaza! I don't know why they can't look at my heart" she explained, recalling a certain moment as she looked at the stars.
"Zahra, you can't please everyone." he stated hitting the exact point.
"And I love you with your every flaw. Rather I don't think you've any flaw. You're perfect for me Zahra." he whispered, leaning closer a bit.
"Thank you" she ran out of words.
"Coming back to the topic," she said, trying to change the topic before she begin to feel those butterflies in her stomach. It was the first time, someone has ever complimented her like that.
"Yeah sure"
"Its that, this thing resides in me. I don't want to care about other people's opinion but I always do that." she continued. This has always been a matter she wanted to conversate with someone.
"Because?"
"Because I depend on others. I'm a bit under confident"
"And why is that?"
"Because I think others are better than me"
"Why?"
"Because I think I'm...dumb" she replied a bit awkwardly.
"Stupid isn't the right word over here."
"Then?"
"You're naive not stupid, senorita"
"Naive as in?"
"Like, do you get manipulated easily?"
"Yes exactly! Exactly! I don't even realize, people use me and then leave me."
"So that means you are not stupid. Right?"
"Umm....you can say that. But I don't want people to use me"
"For that you need to sharpen your mind Zahra. Don't trust anyone easily. Its the key to this. And as for the fact that, it bothers you what people think of you then life is too short to think all of this bullshit. Understand that you can't please everyone. Practice self love and acceptance. Depend only on yourself. Nobody is too good to help you out without a motive. Know your value. Value only those who matters to you. People will just come and go by"
"I never knew that a mafia boss knew these norms too." she was surpirsed, "I never saw it coming from you" she said, chuckling, "you're very mature" she deduced out of all his lecture.
"Mafia bosses are human too, my Zahraa"
"But that doesn't seem like" her voice suddenly turned into a sad one as her eyes showed that distant look in her eyes.
"What do you mean?"
"You were like an animal towards me, even more than an animal" she whispered as a tear managed to escape her eye.
He went silent, he didn't know how to answer to that. Though, he didn't has any answer to it. Before he could say anything, she stood up and was about to leave when he caught his wrist and cornered her with the wall.
"What?" she asked, her eyes tearful.
"I'm sorry" he uttered.
"Can that sorry make everything normal?"
"No, it certainly can't. But I've just these words to say to you. I shouldn't have been brutal towards you! I should have tried to calm my rage! Damn me!"
"I don't know how to answer it"
"I mean it, Zahra. I mean every word I said"
"Do you remember you once apologized to me on my birthday too and promised me that you'll never hurt me again-"
"Swear on your father Zahra, did I not keep my promise to you? Swear on your father" his hold suddenly increased on her wrists.
Now she was speechless, she had no answer to that. He did keep but she played a game with him.
"I want to go" she winced, "you're hurting me"
And with that he immediately left her wrists and she ran away.
He took a deep breath but that itching feeling inside his heart didn't calm. He harshly ruffled his hair and soon a growl left his mouth.
It was becoming unbearable for him now, she didn't trust him. She didn't want him.
And that dejection inside his heart increased. It had taken away the sleeps of his night. He wasn't peaceful at all. The person for whom he had longed for years is now with him but not her heart.
It pained him. He tried his best to make their marriage work but in the end she played a game and he unlocked the beast. Fate was playing a heinous game with her.
And he had determined it then, he'll soon leave her. After he'd come back from his mission at KPK, he'll divorce her. If he was truly guilty of his doings and if he truly loved her, than the atonement of it was to free her of this relation.
He meant it.