The next morning, I again woke to the smell of coffee. Pleasant, I thought. Brian again. So thoughtful......
I pulled the sheet up over my head for a second. "Good heavens, I didn't really...did I?" I whispered to myself. But the disheveled linens on the other side of the bed assured me that the mental images of myself and Brian in a steamy, torrid embrace was no fantasy. No dream.
How in the world was I going to face him? Every awful thing he'd first thought about me, he was probably thinking was indeed true. I wondered if he now suspected that I'd made love to him because I wanted his money. No, he wouldn't think that, I assured myself. Not after the way we'd made love last night. And he had been an amazng lover and shown me excepional tenderness and passion. Still, he hadn't said much. Neither of us had done much talking, as I recalled. There really hadn't seemed to be any reason to, I thought with a blush.
Now that I had faced my deep and profound feelings for him-feelings I was sure he did not return. I felt even more awkward and self-conscious.
I got out of bed and headed straight for the shower. My ankle only gave give a twinge or two as I walked down the hall. Noah was already down-stairs, I noticed, glancing into his empty bedroom. His presence at the breakfast table would make things easier for me. For both of us, probably. And once Noah was gone, we'd have a talk, I promised myself. A long-overdue talk.
By the time I showered and dressed, I came down to find Noah ready for his bus. Brian had even packed his lunch.
When I entered the kitchen, the two were apparently saying goodbye. And not just the see-you latter variety. As I listened to their conversatton, was quickly apparent to me that Brian planned to leave for New York that moming and had already told Noah
AS much as my rational mind wanted Brian gone, the news hit me as a shock. Especially after last night. Noah seemed disappointed but resigned to the situation. I could see that he was trying his be to act very grown-up and manly about the news. My heart went out to him.
".......and when I get my computer I can e-mail you all the time, Brian " I heard Noah say. "That'll be cool, right?"
"Totally," Brian agree with a saga nod of his head. "When are you getting a computer?"
"Uh, well...Mom says she's saving up and might get one for Christmas," Noah explained somewhat less enthusiastically.
"Oh, I see," Brian. "Well, phone calls are just as nice," he assured Naoh. "Even nicer, if you ask me."
"I guess," Noah said.
Brian gazed at Noah and rubbed his cheek with his hand, which I was beginning to recognize as his thinking gesture. What was he thinking a out How poor I was? How smart it was of him to get away from me and my charming son as soon as he could?
"Maybe you'll come and see me sometime in New York. Would you like that?" Brian asked Noah.
"Visit you, in New York? Awesome!" Noah answered.
More than awesome. I thoughts. Try totally impossible. I felt my temper shoot up past the boiling point. It was one thing to get close to me , knowing there no future in it. We were adults, and I fully expected to take me lumps. But to mislead Noah, pretending that we would stay in touch and even visit someday......well, that struck me as simply cruel. Then I caught myself from overreacting. Maybe Brian was just one of those people who had trouble saying goodbye and felt obligated to pretend that the relationship would continue, even when they knew it would not. It was hard to be harshly honest about such matters with children, especially a little guy like Noah.
"Hey, everybody. Good morning." I called out, purposely interrupting their conversation. I smiled at my son, then looked at Brian . His look was at first warm and welcoming, then I saw his expression change as he read the distress signals in my eyes.
"How's your ankle, Olivia," Brian asked.
"Fine. Hardly hurts at all, I lied. I hadn't dressed up today and was wearing loose khaki shorts, a striped T-shirt and sneakers. I poured a mug of coffee, but remained standing by the counter as I sipped it.
"Heh, Mom, Brian has to leave today. He's got an emergency in his office. Did you know?"
"That's news to me," I said lightly. I looked at Brian he met my gaze for a moment, then look away, seeming embarrassed. Well, you should be, I thought.
"Sounds serious," I added.
"It is, he assured me. "Quite serious."
And quite convenient, I thought. More like an emergency alarm sounded in his bachelor panic system.
Then I stopped myself from further harsh thoughts about Brian. I knew full well that last night was a one-time adventure, not the start of something...serious. Perhaps his leaving quickly was all for the best. For me and Noah.
"A complicated problem has come up with one of my most important clients," Brian explained. I just picked up the e-mail this morning. It's something I can't handle this far away. I wanted to stay longer to help you, I mean. But I've got to get back."
His dark eyes implored me to believe him. I stared at him over the rim of my coffee mug. I put the cup down and shrugged. "If you' ve got to get back, you' ve got to get back."
Then I turned and looked at him again. I was thinking myself that you probably ought to go to- day... I added. I had been thinking that all day yesterday... before we'd made love. But not after. But I didn't tell him that.
"Believe me, I don't mean to sound ungrateful for all your help. And Noah and I both had a great time, showing you the sights. But I really just can't goof off another day. There's so much to do at the shop...and all........" my voice trailed off. I couldn't stand the way he was suddenly looking at me. I felt a keen-edged pain stabbing through my chest.
"Of course I understand, Olivia. I understand completely," he said in a deadly earnest tone.
As my polite, impersonal words penetraled, I had seen Brian expression change from a warm, open look to something closed and cold. He now looked back at me with the hard, suspicious gaze I recalled from their first meeting. Had I hurt him with my little speech? Well, maybe his ego had gotten a little bruised this morning. But I was sure I hadn't hurt him nearly half as much as she was hurting inside right now.
"Noah...look at the time," I said suddenly. "You'd better get out there. You don't want to miss the bus."
"All right, Noah said, obviously reluctant to leave Brian . As Noah grabbed his knapsack and lunch bag, Brian stood up, and when Noah turned toward him to say goodbye, Brian opened his arms and gave him a huge bear hug
I felt my eyes getting watery and forced myself to look away
"So long, Brian . Stay in touch, right?"
"Of course I will, pal, Brian promised. "Don't worry. You'll be hearing from me."
After their goodbyes had been exchanged, I walked Noah out to the front porch. He was almost getting too old to Kiss and cuddle anymore, but this morning, when I put my arms around him and gave him a special kiss goodbye, he submitted with Out complaint.
Brian was waiting for me in the living room back inside. "Look, I really don't want to leave this way, Olivia. "
"What way? I asked innocently"
"You're so...angry at me. I do need to get back to New York. That's not a lie...Or Something trumped up morning-after excuse."
"I never said it was," I replied blandly."
"You didn't have to say anything, Olivia. I know that's exactly what you' re thinking."
I shook head. "Not at all, I denied. "I think you just feel guilty."
"Guilty?" his voice grew louder. "What do I have to feel guilty about?"
"Nothing. Nothing at all." I shrugged. I crossed my arms over my chest and faced him squarely, across the room from me. "I m just saying that you're acting as if you feel that way."
He stared at me and started to speak. He opened his mouth, then closed it again. "You're confusing me, he said finally, sounding exasperated. "Look last night was wonderful. Perfect, I thought... Why can't we just leave it...on a good note? I mean..... I would like to know more about...... if you can tell about Noah's father. "
A good note. I liked that line. I'd never heard that one before. Now I had to face it -the secret, bedrock truth I'd been hiding in my heart Secretly. What on earth did he what know about Noah's father. I never want to talk about it . I had wished that last night was going to be the start of something real and serious between myself and Brian. For it certainly seemed as if we shared all the necessary elements to make a go of it-and even more. But now I had to face the sad reality. One night of love however wonderful and perfect they both had tound it-was not enough to melt Brian defenses.