I returned home and stood by the pillar in the balcony on the second floor close to my room and Ivana’s as I watched the horizon with distant eyes.
I looked down at the glass of whiskey I held in my hands. I haven’t opened it yet and haven’t taken a sip of it. I despise alcohol. I have seen how it makes a person who takes it in excess behave. I have seen how my mother behaved after taking this.
But I am considering it right now, to take a sip. Just like my mother, it could drown away my sadness and make me happy again. It could relieve me from all the pain I feel down there in my heart.
Perhaps after taking a large gulp of this whiskey I would no longer remember the pain I had felt in the past and this aching heart I feel now will stop.
I have asked myself multiple times why I let the things that happened to my parents affect me so much, I have tried to pass that test, to stop myself from hiding in the past entanglement, I have tried to associate with people, maybe I may overcome all these weakness, but it keeps haunting me.
No day goes by I don’t look down on myself, there was no day goes by that I don’t think myself little, I have no fucking idea why I act this way, why I let my past haunt me, but I have been in a great deal of pain and no one would care to listen to me.
“Shit!” I shouted at the top of my voice as the tears I have been holding rolled down my cheek. I crumbled to the ground, my heartfelt like thorns were piercing in, it felt so heavy.
A child should be able to tell their parents what is bugging them, a child should have even a friend that would listen, but if that wasn't the case for me.
My father was too cold to hear about my pain, my mother was in a great hurt to listen to my cry, I barely know if her wound has been covered too or if she is hiding it behind the smiles just like me.
I lifted the whiskey up as I took a long gaze at it. This should be it. I wiped off my tears and got up as I opened the bottle to consume all the content.
“Robin!” I heard Ivana’s voice and the sound of her footsteps running up the stairs. I turned around just to see her running towards me with tears in her eyes. “Robin.” She called out again and I was puzzled.
She should still be with Hinn Carlos now, why was she here all of a sudden?
To my surprise she rushed over to me and embraced me, I still released the bottle from my hand as it fell and shattered close to our feet spilling the whole content that was in it, the both of us didn’t bother to look down at it.
Ivana tightened her hands around me and I could hear her light sob. “Stupid, you are so silly Robin, you are truly so silly, why didn’t you tell me?” I heard her ask and I was still confused as to what she was talking about.
Her warmth enveloped me, my iced heart seems to be melting in her warmth and tears rolled down my cheek. “Tell you what?” I asked, I didn’t push her away, I loved this position, I hate to admit it, but I truly wanted someone to embrace me this way, even if it was just one, I needed this comfort.
“Why didn’t you tell me I was the girl, why didn’t you tell me you were that boy I met at that park years ago, why did you hide it from me when you went to namsan tower to make that wish, why?” She shouted through sobs and I froze.
How did she discover that?
I was sure my pictures were not hanging on these walls, the only picture in the living room was when I was carried like a baby by my mother, she wasn’t going to recognize me through that, this was the reason I felt I hid it well.
“Why did you make me wait so long, don’t you know I went to make a wish at the namsan tower to see you too!” She barked as she hit my back lightly with her fist. I was shocked at this point, I didn’t know that was her wish, I had no idea.
“Why didn’t you say something and keep treating me coldly when you actually love me?” I felt her warm tears drop on my back as she sniffled, still sobbing.
I shut my eyes to suppress the urge to hug her back. I exhaled sharply and pushed her away from my body as she looked up into my eyes. “You are silly to think I have an interest in you,” I told her as I put my hands into my pocket.
“Yes you do, I know you do, you are just scared to tell me about it.” I looked at her eyes that were filled with tears in them, I can’t tell if loving her would make these tears go away.
When I first met Ivana at this mansion she never cried, but then came my coldness and her eyes always bleed. This was not what I wanted, I don’t want to love anyone anymore, I want to close my eyes, she is better with Hinn Carlos.
“Why do you fear so much Robin?” Ivana looked into my eyes with a pool of tears in hers. “What has your past been like to make you like this?”
I scoffed, trying to put on a bold front. “Don’t be silly, I don’t have any fears,” I told her and brushed her aside as I tend to walk away but the words that came from her lips made me halt in shock.
“Love is not a poison Robin!” Ivana shouted behind me. “Love can never be poisonous!”