“Welcome, mom.” I greeted her as I stepped out and her gaze met mine as there was silence in the living room. I couldn’t tell if it was tears but it seems that was what I saw in her eyes as they locked in mine.
She couldn’t say anything, she didn’t move close to me, she didn’t say a word and knew she was not going to say something else I broke the silence again and that was what I did.
I stepped close to her and she still held my gaze. “Mom, I can’t hate you,” I told her and I watched her swallow hard like she was suppressing her tears. “I don’t want to hate you mom, I don’t want to have hate in my heart any longer.”
I exhaled softly, I was also trying hard to suppress my tears. “I don’t want my heart to be consumed with hate that is why I am letting all the anger and all the hatred go away, I want to forgive dad mom, for all the hurt he had done, I want to love you mom, so give me permission to do that, give me permission to find that peace that comes from loving you as my mother.” My lips quivered and I pressed them together.
I was scared right now. What if she says something else, what if she repeats that she doesn’t love me, what if Ivana was wrong?
I shouted in my head to shut the what-ifs out, right now I have to only hope on the love I have discovered after thinking back, I have to remember all the love my mother has showered me and how happy I was, that was the hope I held onto right now, that was the hope that I see while I look into her eyes.
“Yes.” My mother nodded, tears rolled down her cheek but there were smiles on her lips. “I grant you the permission to love me as your mother.”She nodded and the tears I held back rolled down my cheek but I hid them from my mother as I hugged her before she could see my tears.
“Happy birthday, mom.” As I whispered those words I felt my mother still in my arms and I could tell she wasn’t expecting me to remember it was her birthday, whereas it was the first time I was saying this to her.
I the past I don’t even know how to tell her happy birthday after watching her drink herself almost to death, there was no room for those words of birthday, even when my dad took me away, I couldn’t wish her a happy birthday since I didn’t want to talk to her to make her stop her drinking habit.
Now, right now, I have made a decision to wish her a happy birthday, if no one will then I would, if the man she loves won’t then I would, if the sister she betrayed won’t then I as her son should do this for her.
My mother broke down in sobs on my shoulder but I leaned back after wiping my tears as I gazed at her face. “Don’t cry mom, it’s your birthday, you should be smiling.” I cupped her face with my hands. I could still remember the past when I cupped her face with my hands. They were so little, but now my hands felt big and I realized in all these I was also a grownup.
“This isn’t a sad tear.” She told me with a hoarse voice as she looked into my eyes. “This is a tear of joy.” She bites down her lips as I help her wipe those tears away.
“I don’t want you crying anymore, not even tears of joy, I only want you to smile, smiles of joy,” I told her softly and she nodded her head in response and the lights went off.
“What is this?” I heard my mother’s voice, I could barely see her now. “Is it a blackout?” She said worriedly. “I better find a torchlight.” She was about to leave but I held her shoulder to keep her standing where she was.
“I will get it for you instead, don’t move,” I told her, I could already tell who had turned everything off, I knew it was Ivana and I wondered what was going through her head this time.
Was she upstairs in her room planning how to be a disaster that ruined things while I was cooking in the kitchen?
I turned to go get a torchlight or at least get my hands on Ivana when I saw someone walking out from the kitchen with the cake I had baked and candlesticks lit on it. I pressed my lips together as she came in with a song.
“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...” She was smiling as she walked over to us singing and I wanted to tell her she was a great damn busy body right now but I held it in and sang along with her as we turned to my mother whose lips was wide open with smiles and glitters in her eyes, I have never seen her so surprised and yet so happy like this.
“Make a wish and blow the candles,” I told my mother after we were done singing and once my mother closed her eyes to make a wish I leaned close to Ivana and whispered. “I was supposed to bring the cake to her.”
Ivana shook her head at me as she whispered in my ears. “You may be a professional in baking a cake and cooking, but I know how to make an entrance, didn’t you see how surprised she looked, she even thought it was a blackout.” She grinned at me and I scoffed.
“I can also make an entrance,” I told her. “I had other plans to present this cake to her, you would have only exercised patience and wait, you could have seen how surprised she would have been,” I told her and Ivana shook her head.
“The cake looks so delicious that I couldn’t help rush this, I want to dig into it quickly since I am famished.” Ivana flashed her teeth and I scorned.
“Aren’t you one little foodie?” I shook my head at her and lifted the corner of her lips in a sneer at me and I smirked as we both turned our faces to see my mother staring at us.
“I could hear everything you both said and gladly you both interrupted my wish so I had to wish for something else instead.” My mother told us and we're both curious about what she wished this time as Ivana and I asked at the same time.
“What did you wish for?”
“It’s a secret.” She grinned as she blew out the fire and Ivana pressed a button as the lights turned on again.
“Happy birthday Mrs Jane,” Ivana said softly as my mother cut the cake and took a bite.
“Thank you, Ivana.” She smiled before turning to me with big eyes. “This is delicious Ryan.” She took another bite of the cake and I smiled.
“You should wait and taste the meal he prepared,” Ivana spoke out and I looked at her with dark eyes, here she goes again exposing the last of my surprise.
“Wow, you prepared dinner?” My mother looked at me with wide eyes and I nodded with a smile.
“I set it on the dining table already,” I told her pointing in the direction of the dining table.
“Now I can’t wait to see what you prepared.” My mother told me and started heading to the dining and Ivana turned to follow her but I held the back of her collar drawing her back.
“Ouch!” Ivana turned to me with a frown. “What now?”
“You are such a big mouth,” I told her with a sneer and she shook her head.
“Just as I couldn’t wait to taste the cake, I couldn’t also wait to eat the meal you prepared, if only you had let me tasted it then I wouldn’t have ruined all the surprise you wanted to show her, but well Mrs Jane was still surprise so I won’t consider this as a payback.” She told me with a smile.
“Payback for what?” I asked her and she raised her hands for me to see.
“For hitting my hands when I wanted to taste the food you prepared.” She grinned and shook my hands off her collar as she stepped away from me. “Hey, Robin love, let’s not keep your mother waiting and go have dinner together.” She blinked cutely at me before heading to the dining where I could hear her chattering about the food with my mother.
I scoffed. “Ivana does act like a chameleon sometimes.” I shook that thought off as I could remember the smiles on her face when she called me Robin love. I grinned as I touched my hair. “Well, I will forgive her this once, next time I will give her a kiss punishment.”
“Why aren’t you coming?” I heard my mother say as she peered out of the dining at me.
“On my way,” I told her as I walked over to her and we all sat on the table, chattering with smiles as we ate, I looked from Ivana to my mother and it all seems like what had happened yesterday was a dream.
It was good to forgive, if I haven’t let go of the anger I felt yesterday, I would still be moody today, but look right now I was having a moment of smile with the people I love and the people that love me too, right now they are the one that matters to me.
“Eat more okay?” My mother told me as she put some fish on my plate and I nodded with a smile as she turned to continue telling Ivana some jokes. I smiled.
It felt like I was breathing fresh air once again. Everything felt so refreshing right now. All I had to do was focus on helping the one person who warms my heart.
I looked at Ivana who was chuckling so hard that her face turned all pink, right now these were the smiles I wish to see on her face, not tears that would turn her eyes red and swollen but smiles that would make her cheek pink and prettier.
Right now I will make her dreams come true, I will make sure I help her stand on stage and become a star, right now this family of love is all that matters.