• “What is wrong with me,
my body no longer feels pain
or my heart that can accept all pain.”
• “Move on, it's easy to say but hard to do,
especially if you hope that someone will still come back.”
• “When I sleep, she is the one I dream of,
when I woke up, she was still the one I remembered,
I no longer know where to place myself,
because no matter what I do, I can still see Adeline.”
• “It is good to love the person you love,
but it also hurts when the person you love leaves you.”
• “How to move on in life if the one that guides you,
now he is no longer beside you.”
• “I used to think, I can handle losing her too,
but until now it hurts me to think that I am no longer with her.”
• “Not a day goes by that he doesn't cross my mind
there isn't a day that I don't have my heart hurt.”
• “I cannot mourn in front of others,
because of my courage in their sight,
they don't know that when I'm alone,
I would rather die to escape the pain of suffering.”
Those are just a few of the quotes written in the notebook that Jr lent me. In addition to flash fiction and a few poems and short stories.
Now I can say I understand why Jr. said that writers are cowards. Because like him, he also hid what he could not bring out in the real world by writing. The pain he feels he brings out in writing. It’s not like I’m making myself happy with writing. He, in turn, hides the emotion behind the stories he has created.
Maybe Jr. was right when he said that writers are liars and cheaters. Since we are both writers I can say we are both liars. I who tried to amuse myself by hiding behind words and letters. While he in turn hides reality using writing.
He remained stiff, numb, and brave in the eyes of others. But when he is alone he is consumed by loneliness, by the pain of the past, and he grieves without sympathy.
'Just like me.'
But what sets us apart is he has a reason. While I was just selfpity.
Ade is very lucky because even she is no longer here, Jr. still loves her. Jr. is unlucky because he is bound by love that will never come back to him no matter what he does to mourn. Whatever he does will never come back to him. Even though he repeatedly hurt himself.
I just thought, is the kind of love he has impressive or pathetic?
Is it impressive because he proved that there is true and pure love really or pitiful because he is fooling around with love that he can no longer reciprocate.
It's like me again.
‘I look like a fool who secretly loves someone who is loved by others and is still dead.’
I have the courage to question Jr.'s love for Ade while we are no different. Jr. is even better because Ade loved him when he was still alive so somehow he was holding on to something. As I am it loves the person who has never lost in the past and I am not seen.
IT WAS AFTERNOON when I thought of giving Jr. back the notebooks he lent me. I also went with Janel so that she could somehow can breathe because she was so busy at school. We were just walking quietly as I looked around when he suddenly spoke.
"Mia," she softly called my name.
"Why?" I simply answered him without looking and just focused the gaze passage.
"Do you like Jr.?" I stopped walking because of her question and then looked at her sharply.
"Where did you get what you're talking about?" I pretend to ask an angry question but the truth is I don't know how to answer her. I just went through my bit of embarrassment for a moment.
"Mia, your words can lie, but not your actions." I raised an eyebrow at her and walked away again.
“Don't think like that, Janel. I am just grateful to him. You may have forgotten that he saved me.” I didn't care if she was still behind me as long as I kept walking.
“I'm not the only one who notices it, but also mama and papa. They even said that you seem to have changed since you were with Jr.” I stopped again to confront her again because I didn't seem to like where the conversation was going.
“So, you were gossiping about me? Wow, of all the people who can think badly of me, you are really my family who will do it then.” But instead of being dissapointed or annoyed, Janel just laughed at me.
“Because we know you better than other people. They're Mia because they can think that you're just really friendly so you're hanging out with brother Jr. But we, your family, who know you very well, know that something has really changed in you.” Am I so obvious in my actions that they notice that. I didn't let them know that.
“I don’t like him. Period! Dot!” I will push to stop him.
“Mia, we don't think badly of you. We are really happy with the outcome of your friendship with Jr., you became jolly, you love flowers. Lately you've been talking to mama and papa about what you want. You’re asking for an idea and you’ve become vocal in your opinions. Unlike before, you don’t have to let us know, around us, and everyone.”
I couldn’t answer what Janel said because I just now realized that everything she said was right. I want to scold myself. No! I want to laugh at myself because she’s teasing us both. But of course I won't admit to them that I have a secret love for Jr because maybe later what else will they think or maybe later they will just tempt me.
I was the only one who knew then.
“You're right because of Jr I changed. But not because I liked him, but because I just learned so much from him. He taught me many things to appreciate and to appreciate. He has many words of wisdom and he speaks deeply when he is serious.” I calmly explained and I saw his smile then applauded softly.
“See! You have also learned to explain your side without getting angry.”
"Is it bad?" I have a sarcastic question.
"No, Mia, all I can say is keep it up," she said with a thumbs-up.
We don't talk anymore and she doesn't seem to have any plans to speak. It's also good that she doesn't have to ask questions anymore. Maybe later what he can think of to ask me.
As we were walking toward Jr.’s house we suddenly met Clark running and whimpering. When he saw me he quickly approached me and chased his breath standing in front of me. But even out of breath he still forced himself to speak.
“M-Mia, s-Jr. has an enemy and he is holding a knife. He might kill his enemy. He's very angry now. We are already waiting but we really don't want to wait. Come on Mia, let's hurry up.”
Janel and I looked at each other first and were both shocked but I also reached out immediately. I handed Janel the notebooks then quickly ran after Clark.
When I arrived at the scene I saw a man leaning against the wall while shielding from every blow Jr. unleashed. No one begged them and those around them were just shouting to call the police or the barangay. I saw Jr. pull out a knife and he was about to stab the man.
"Jr!" I shouted then quickly approached him. I grabbed her by the dress to pull. "That's enough!" I said when I am standing with him.