WHEN I entered the house, I saw my mother carrying a large vase. She looked tired while holding on to her hip so I took it in my hand.
“Thank you,” she said.
I took the vase from her and bring it to their room as she said and laid it on the small table. I saw papa sleeping soundly. I stared at papa who was snoring softly.
"If what happened to him hadn't happened, you wouldn't be like that." I looked at my mother who was smiling at me. “I wish you could have come a long way in writing because that's where you can focus your attention more than on us."
"I don't blame you, I don't blame papa either because I know he didn't like what happened to him too."
"If that hadn't happened to your dad, you wouldn't have turned your heart away from us, especially from me."
I didn't respond to what mama said.
“Sorry daughter! I'm sorry if you were affected by what should have been our problem. But, I'm not mad at you. I just can't really accept that you are like that because you want to help us.”
"It's not your fault, Ma."
“It is because I did not guide you and I did not support you. My attention was all focused on your dad and your sister. I didn't even ask you how you were. What is happening to you? I became complacent that you were brave, that you were smart, so I forgot that no matter how brave and talented you are, you still need your mother's care.”
I started to cry again because of what Mama said.
“No matter how strong you are, you still need a mother to hug you. That even if you don't understand but always by your side to be with you.”
“Because mama I thought you didn't love me. So this is the only way I know for me to serve our family. Because you are always angry with me and you are always fighting me.”
“That's not true, you are my child so I love you. I'm not mad at you because I see what's wrong with you. I am angry because you yourself know what you are doing is wrong but you still continue to do it. But that doesn't mean I can reject you. I’m still waiting for you to come to your senses and return the former Mia I raised. I worry every day that maybe later what will happen to you while you are out.”
I held mama's hand and then kissed her while crying.
“I'm sorry, I'm sorry if I make you worry for the past few months. I’m sorry if I’ve been selfish and just think to myself. I didn’t think you worried me. Promise Ma, I will change and I will correct my mistake. I promise I will not make you worried. I have stopped doing wrong and will never go astray again.”
Mama stroked my head and kissed me on the forehead.
“We can survive. God is merciful and will not forsake us. You just have to keep not going back to wrongdoing.”
I nodded as I cried. Mom hugged me so I hugged her too.
In mama's hug, I felt like I had lost all the resentment I was carrying that I thought she didn't love me. I also resented the people who left me. In my mother's arms, I didn't need anything to be strong.
It’s true what they say. You cannot feel whole unless you feel the love of a mother. Even if you are not a real mother, as long as you are raised as a child, you will feel whole. A mother's concern and love are very different. Because it doesn’t equal anything.
As mama told me before. The love of a mother for her child is a grace from God. So you also don’t blame having a mother that even if the child’s work is wrong it is still innocent. Even if it is wrong and it hurts both. Because as I said, there is nothing equal to a mother’s love for her child.
Now I understand. Even though I go astray, I was still included in Mama's prayers. Her prayers have guided me so that I do not fall into evil forever.
When I came to the room, I immediately went to bed. The pleasure of feeling that everything is ok. Mama and I are fine and Jr. and I are ok too.
I grabbed another blanket when I noticed the envelope Dylan had given me. I wondered what I should do with the money he gave me. That will not be consumed immediately and will somehow be properly utilized even if it is earned in the wrong way.
I opened the cell phone and started searching until I found something.
There is nothing wrong with trying this plan.
I was able to sacrifice in the wrong way for my family, but it still is. It is a small sacrifice to earn some money and help them. And at least it's not bad and in the right way. I gasped and tightened my grip on the money.
Dylan is right, if we really meant for each other we will meet again.
Jr., I know he's just there to support me.
My family is my priority this time around. I have hurt them so much that I will recover.
A little sacrifice for Dad, Mom, and Janel.
I will continue my life in the right way. That way I can no longer hurt my family and I can no longer harm myself.