#BTSEp39
With a heavy heart, I zipped my yellow baggage. I made sure na hindi ito mabubuksan. And also, I made sure na nandito na sa loob lahat ng mga kailangan ko kapag bumalik na ako ng Pilipinas.
Inangat ko na ang handle ng baggage. I am really feeling unsure as I pulled it towards the door. Mabigat ang mga hakbang ko nang makarating na ako sa pinto. Ganoon na rin ang ginawa kong pagpihit sa doorknob. It was a dreadul minute for me not to back out with my today's plan.
Lumabas na ako ng kwarto. Napapabuntong-hininga pa rin ako hanggang sa marating ang hagdan. And from downstairs, I can clearly hear Chance. She is laughing with Affle. Nanonood na naman siguro siya ng Sofia the First. That's her favorite. Kaya tuwang-tuwa siya noong pinasuot ko sa kanya kanina iyong violet dress na inspired by that Disney Princess.
"Oh, baby. Eto na si Momma!" Affle beamed as soon as I reached the last stairs.
From the living room, I can clearly see my daughter to smile at me. That smile mend all of tha pain on my heart. That smile gave me a chance for me to start my life with nothing but hopeful perspective towards the future.
Affle and I both laugh as Chance crawl towards me. Two years old pa lang kasi, hindi pa marunong maglakad.
Binuhat ko siya habang natatawa. My baby is really cute. "Ready ka na bang bumalik sa totoong bahay natin, baby?"
Chance is only smiling at me. Iniisip siguro niyang nilalaro ko siya.
"Iiwan niyo na ako." Affle pouted and I shook my head while chuckling.
Inakbayan ko siya, "Sabi ko naman sa 'yo, sa Pilipinas ka na mag-aral. 'Wag na dito sa Japan." Ewan ko ba sa babaeng 'to, gusto yatang maging anime kaya dito nag-aral.
"Aruy! Uuwi na ang baby Chance namin!" I turned my gaze at Tita Valerie. Kagagaling lang niya sa kusina para hugasan iyong mga pinggan na pinagkainan namin.
Chance smiled at her as she motioned bye-bye. A thing na tinuro ko sa kanya last month. Nakakatawang madali niya iyong na-pick up.
"Aba! Excited umuwi ang baby na 'yan?" Inagaw sa akin ni Tita si Chance matapos ay inamoy-amoy sa leeg. Chance giggled because of that. "Paamoy muna kung mabango ang baby na 'yan!"
I was laughing as Affle and I waited for the iconic line that sits next to what Tita Valerie just mumbled. And on cue, sabay-sabay kaming tatlo na nagsabi ng, "Asiiiim!"
Doon ay tumawa nang tumawa ang walang malay na si Chance. Her laugh is a harmony on my ears as Tita Valerie continues to tickle her. Tita knows her weak sides. Siya kasi ang lagi niyang kasama. Para ngang siya pa iyong Momma ni Chance, eh.
Muling binalik sa akin ni Tita si Chance. "Oh, siya siya! Lumakad na kayo at baka ma-late kayo sa flight!" And as a typical Filipino Mom, Tita Valerie is one of those Mothers who will never be late on their flight.
"Mom, her flight was like, three hours pa kaya." Affle playfully rolled her eyes. "At saka hindi naman ganoong kalala keysa sa Manila ang traffic dito sa Japan. You should chill."
"Chill-chill ka diyan! Chill-chill-in ko mukha mo!" Tita Valerie grabbed my baggage. Tapos ay tinulak niya kaming dalawa ni Affle palabas ng bahay nila.
Affle and I are laughing as we head outside. Si Tita ang abalang naglagay ng lahat ng gamit ko sa kotse ni Affle. Affle was the first one to grabbed Chance for me. Nilagay niya ang anak ko sa baby seat doon sa back seat.
And I'm here, smiling infront of their Japanese style house. Reminiscing all of the memories of my two years here. Those two years will forever etch a vivid place on my heart. It will going to be that episode of mine that I will be willing to go back to.
Hindi ako handa noong niyakap ako ni Tita Valerie. She kissed me on my cheeks. Ito iyong nakasanayan niya. Tinuring na niya rin kasi talaga akong anak. "Mag-iingat ka sa Pilipinas, ha? Nandito lang kami ni Affle kapag nagkaproblema ka, okay?"
I am smiling at her genuinely as I nod. Then I hug her even tighter. "Thank you po sa lahat, Tita." I told her because she was really the one who took care of me when my world crashed down before my eyes.
"Oh, siya. Sige na nga. Baka ma-late ka sa flight!" Tita let go of our hug. Sumilay sa kanyang mga mata ang butil ng luha. I really wished na siya ang totoo kong nanay.
"Good bye po, Tita. Chance and I will go back here some time. Okay? 'Wag pong malulungkot, we'll do video call."
"Ay naku! Hindi na kailangan, ano ka ba?! Basta alagaan mo lang nang ayos si Chance, okay na ako doon." Which is a lie. I can sense na ngayon pa lang, nagsisimula na siyang ma-miss kami.
I stared at her with a knowing grin on my face and that iritates her. Like a real Filipino Mom, tinalakan niya ako habang pinapapasok sa kotse. I only nod at her while laughing as soon as I sit on the passenger's seat.
And then one last time, I bid my good bye to Tita Valerie. Affle maneuvered the car towards the airport with my heart sinking. With my heart hesitated because I will surely miss this place.
Ilang minuto ang nakalipas ay hindi kami sa airport bumaba. Affle stopped her car infront of the cafè. Doon ay nagpalipas kami ng isang oras. Pasaway talaga, ang OA daw kasi ni Tita Valerie.
And then one hour before my flight, nagsimula na kaming bumyahe muli papuntang airport. We reached it for about half an hour. Maganda talaga dito sa Japan, hindi G na G ang traffic.
"Okay na ba ang lahat?" Affle mumbled as soon as she hand me the baggage.
I nod at her, "I guess . . . yeah." I heaved a deep sigh. Totally anxious of what awaits for me in the Philippines and also, I am feeling down for I will surely miss Affle and Tita Valerie.
"Best, mag-iingat ka sa Pilipinas ha? You know naman, maraming judgemental doon." Nagpamewang pa siya habang pinipindot ang ilong ni Chance. Ang anak ko naman ay napapapikit dahil doon. "Itago mo 'yang si Chance. Baka mahalata nilang may anak ka na! Pagpipiyestahan talaga 'yan ng media!"
Noong huminto siya, Chance is smiling at her while motioning bye-bye.
"Oh tignan mo, nagba-bye agad sa akin. Excited ka girl?" Nagtawanan kaming dalawa.
Then a moment after, she hugged me tightly. And I don't know why it made my tears to automatically escape down my cheeks. Maybe because a part of me is about to tear apart the moment Chance and I reached the Philippines. That certain part whom she and her mother healed.
I found myself sobbing as I felt the warm embrace of my best friend.
"Sige na, best." Affle told me as she let go of our hug. She is holding back her tears. It was evident by the way how she pursed her trembling lips.
I can't mumble any words because if I do, I will surely sob more. At baka mapaurong pa talaga ako sa mga plano ko. I only nod at her with my tears blurring my vision. With Chance wiping my tears with her little hands. And with heavy heart, I started to turn my back at her. I slowly gravitated my feet away from her, towards my way to the Philippines.
Ilang minuto ang nakalipas ay nakaupo na kami ni Chance sa VIP area ng eroplano. I still have a lot of money to spare and I want the first airplane of my baby to be something memorable for her and for me.
Also, walang makakakilala sa akin dito. I am with my channel black face mask.
Right now, Chance is sleeping. Nabagot yata sa paghihintay. I am smiling wide as I watch her sleep. With her long eye lashes, her curly hair, her little nose and perfect shape of lips, she is the most beautiful baby for me. Well, sans the part of her lips, it reminds me of someone I don't want to remember at all.
Pero dahil nga si Asia ako. Dahil nga matigas ang ulo ko. He is the first one to crossed my mind the moment I turn my gaze to the cotton-looking clouds from the window.
"Buntis ako, Liv." I heaved a deep sigh. I am hesitating with a low tone on my voice when I told him, "at ikaw ang ama."
His eyes flashed a series of unexpected emotions from his system. Ngunit hindi ko inasahan nang biglang mawala ang pagkagulat sa kanyang mga mata. I was not really ready at all when he threw me a fuming eyes. It was evident that he is flaming in anger right now.
"You should just leave, Grace." With tightened jaw, Liv pointed his index finger towards the door of his unit.
His words stabbed my heart without a warning. I was defenseless as I swallow what he just said. I was not ready for his rejection. Lalong lao na, anak namin itong dinadala ko. Pareho naming ginawa ito. Amin. Sa amin ang buhay na dinadala ko.
"So, ganito na lang pala 'to, Liv? Papaalisin mo ako? 'Yon lang ang tulong na gagawin mo para sa kagaguhang ginawa mo sa akin?"
He looked away. Still on his tightened jaw.
"Liv, binuntis mo ako! Anak mo 'tong dinadala ko!" I walked near him with my tears starting to appear on my vision. I grabbed his face, I made him face me. I am not going to go home without his support on my situation, that's for sure.
Nagtama ang mga mata namin. From his eyes, there were a seconds of sadness from it. Pero agad niya iyong binawi. He is now staring at me with his usual neutral face.
"Tanggap ko nang wala tayo. Tanggap ko nang hindi na ako ang mahal mo. Pero Liv, isa lang naman ang hinihiling ko sa 'yo," my voice is breaking, I am pleading for his cooperation, "suportahan mo ako dito sa anak natin. Tulungan mo akong solusyunan 'to kasi hirap na hirap na talaga ako. Hindi ko na kaya iyong stress."
I heaved a deep sigh to calm my self. "Kahit maging ama ka na lang sa anak natin, okay na ako doon. Kahit hindi na ako ang mahal mo, okay na okay na ako doon. Basta . . . para na lang sa baby natin, maging ama ka manlang sa kanya-- sapat na 'yon para makabawi ka sa akin."
At first, I really thought that my words will moved him but no. He grabbed my hand away from his face. Then I was really shocked when he pulled me towards the door. I am blinking with my endless tears and pain on my heart when he opened the door. He threw me outside of his unit just like a garbage.
"It's not mine. Leave." He mumbled.
Sa sinabi niya, nagunaw ang mundo. Gumuho ang lahat sa akin kasabay ng panghihina ng mga tuhod ko. Sa mga narinig ay lalo akong napaluha. Lalong humapdi ang kirot mula sa dibdib ko.
He is about to close the door when I pushed it opened. With my tears blurring my vision and my breathing getting hard, my palm loudly landed on his cheeks. Sa lakas noon ay kusang napalingon ang kanyang ulo sa kabilang direksyon.
Mabigat ang paghinga, hindi ko na pinili pang murahin siya. Instead, I forced myself to turn my back at him. To fucking stay away from his unit that screams hell. To fully forget all of the feelings I have for him.
That moment, I realized one thing.
If you really love someone, you will hold on. But if you love yourself, you will let go.
I chose to love myself.
I grabbed my phone and dialed the number of my long time bestfriend. Affle. With my sobbing voice, I told her that I want to stay on their house. She gladly agreed on me without even asking the reasons for my painful sobs.
Right after that, I am breaking down as I try to grab any taxi on the road. Sa luhang nilalabas ko, pakiramdam ko ay mahihimatay na ako. Sa sakit na nararamdaman ko, gusto ko na lang mawala sa mundong ito.
But thankfully, I managed to survive the pain.
From there, I used my connections to book an instant ticket towards Japan. In the middle of the night. Before I realized it, I was flying away from my problems in the Philippines. I was on my way of forgetting everything-- every shits that Liv brought me. I am moving forward with my child who will give me a chance to live a life without the shits of the one who made him or her.
That night was really dreaful for me. And I am really thankful for Affle and Tita Valerie who helped me calm myself the next day. Thru them, I finally moved on from all of the pain that Liv caused me.
I learned to accept everything.
I prayed everything to God.
Until the greatest gift that I ever received came, it's Chance. Bacause of her, I was able to make myself better. I am better than before now. I am a version of myself that I never thought I'll be.
Sa two years na pagkawala ko, marami ring nangyari. My friends don't know what really happened to me. Mabuti na lang at nandoon si Czearine para gumawa ng kwento na pinaniwalaan naman nila.
And back then, I was tired of picking up bones with Mother Lizly. I cut my connections with her. Sinampahan ako ng kaso ng Management namin. Mabuti na lang at nandoon si Dad, he resolved it with his money.
It really sadened me na hindi ko nadamayan si Dad noong sumakabilang buhay si Mom sa sakit niyang colon cancer. That time, napatawad ko na si Mom sa lahat ng alitan na namayani sa pagitan namin. Araw-araw ako noong umiiyak sa simbahan para lang makuha ang kapatawaran niya.
Moreover, my fans were also speculating that time. Marami ang nagsasabing buntis ako pero wala silang ebidensya, every week kasi akong nagpopost sa IG. Hindi nila alam, those photos were taken a few months ago. Kaya dahil doon, mabilis ring namatay ang issue about my pregnancy. They only concluded my situation as my hiatus phase.
Also, from the updates of my friends, I learned that Liv and Ysabelle broke up after a few months. And Liv left the Showbiz Industry. He chose to focus on his studies. He is now on his Junior Year in College. And I am not planning to introduce her to Chance. He doesn't deserve my daughter.
Right now, the reason why I am flying back to the Philippines is to give myself that another hopeful chance in Showbiz Industry. Binigyan ako ng offer sa kabilang istasyon. May bago na rin akong Manager, si Direk Samsy.
Matagal ang proseso bago niya ako napapayag. She told me a lot of plans for my career. All of it amazed me. At ayon na nga, pumayag na ako. Kasi after all naman, Direk Samsy is always there from the rock bottom until the paramount of my career. My first movie with her was a hit. I owe it to myself to give her plans a chance.
"Momma . . ." Chance mumbled as soon as she woke up. Napalakas yata ang pagbuhat ko sa kanya. Ngayon ay pababa na kami sa eroplano.
"Baby, nandito na tayo." I told her with a smile on my face. "We are home." She only yawned and scratched her eyes. Matapos ay natulog uli siya. Naiiling na lang akong natawa.
And as planned, I saw Direk Samsy and Czearine from afar the moment I entered the airport. Czearine was so quick to hug me tight. Na-miss ko rin ang babaeng ito. Tulog na tulog pa rin si Chance noong inabot ko siya sa kanya. Katulad ng nasa plano, siya ang mag-uuwi kay Chance para hindi kami makita ng mga paparazzi sa labas. All of their eyes were surely on me right now.
Hinalikan ko sa noo si Chance before I turned back my eyes on Czearine. "Tatamaan ka sa akin pag iyan nasaktan, ha?"
With her teary eyes, Czearine chuckled and rolled her eyes. "Oo naman, Ate. Takot ko na lang sa 'yo!"
One moment after, men in black started to walk near us. Tao sila ni Direk Samsy. They guided Czearine towards the place where their vehicle are situated. My daughter fled away from this chaos safely.
Direk Samsy smiled as she hugged me. "Welcome back, anak. Are you ready to build your empire again?"
I let go of Tita's hug. I am with my excited smile as I nod at her.
"Now, go." She cupped my face. "Let the whole Philippines know that the Queen is back."
Tumango ako sa kanya. And then I move my feet to walk towards the exit of the airport. The moment my feet landed outside of the exit door, my fans roared in happiness. Cameras are flashing on my eyes. And just like how I was trained before, I smile at them while waving my hands. Flashing them the goals I have right now-- to take back what I ought to be in the Showbiz Industry. To be a fearless Queen.