Nessa pov
Giving mom the pad, she fixed her eyes on it, she's staring through martin mouth, just like in the camera, “your friend dropped off her panties at martin's restaurant so we went back to give it back to her, if you can remember our little charade , a lunch at the restaurant”
Mom stares at me, totally stupefied, “yes, and martins told me everything because i would also think of the same, even though i don't like you i would kill him if he cheated on you with any other woman” i said honestly as a lump settles in my throat,
I don’t want her to see how theses words affect me, she got to the scene where linda confessed she would ruin their relationship and martins proved her wrong with words, fuck i love that man so much, mom really doent know what she has., the screen get blank but she doesnt stop staring.
she fazed.
“ well, now you know all this, go ask martins to come back, the last time we spoke he was drunk and barely said hearable words” i said yanking my pad from her firm fingers, “ nessa .. sorry” she said just immediately as she placed her hands on mine.
“ i am sorry, for everything,”
“ ok” i replied still trying my very best not to cry, i knew for sure, it was an open sore, and having a conversation with her will bring back memories that were open for way too long, “ i know i can't make up for the wrong i have done all your life but if i could make it up now tell me and i will do just that”
A part of me wants a hug, just a hug, mom had never hugged me, a placed I loving kiss on my cheek, so never did all those things that matters, it's too late now, she had succeeded in making my heart so hollow, longing to be filled, longing to be covered in warmth because the snowstorm never seemed to end.
“Nessa when you were little, i saw the letter you wrote in glitter, your first kiss, i was at the door, when she told kate everything, i just didn't have the courage to see you so happy without me” my emotions surfaced on the outside through endless stream of tears, flowing down my cheek, my feet rooted to the floor.
“ i just felt i wouldn't be able to bring the joy, i was selfish and broken, but seeing you come back home with a man, i felt i needed more time with you before i send you away, and adonis, i knew that was his name but i didn’t know He was an hansley, and nessa, william wasn't a good man, i don't want you there with him, if i couldn't help you as a child, i wanted you to have the best love life away from my pained life”
She chokes now, tears flooding her eyes.
“ I felt my role as a mother was to keep you safe, I didn't have the courage to do that, and when I heard Matins was live on your wedding day, I just couldn't sit and watch you go away, I couldn’t contain the guilt anymore..”
Sniffs
“ i had to come, he did something i never thought anyone could , and then it dawns on me that being in your life without doing anything doesn't make me a good mother ”
‘ i didn't want to see you go away, i didn't want to attend, but :”
Now i am a tear away from crying a river, “ i..nessa” she stares at me now, i haven’t seen her this red and broken, “ i am sorry” she said, breaking the chain curled around my heart , fuck i am crying along, mom has never been this open with me in like for ever,
“ you would have tried, i wanted you there mom, i always wanted you, but you were too selfish to actually consider how i felt without you there, on my prom you were at the office, you never knew how nervous i was “
“ did you know how many night i waited at your door, contemplating if you would chase me away when i had nightmares, i fuckin loved you, i needed you but…”
Choked up again, “ i …i...”
“ nessa please, just one more chance , with the both of us, i cant appease for everything , but i am willing to give it a try, if you would let me, please” she said,, i want her , i know i do, “ mom, i am sorry” pulling her in for a hug i desperately, she clung onto me even firm, till i feel suffocated enough but i don't mind.
We sob for as long as our eyes could crarry, who knew i had more tears restricted than i have ever cried in my entire life, “ fuck i missed you” she said, “ no curse word baby” we both giggle as we part, cleaning our eyes.
“ thanks, i never knew you would forgive me”
“ you never asked”
giggle
Then exhales fo a while, it felt weird, like a first date after 22 years or more, like a blind man seeing for the first time, like seeing real colors after decades, and for weird reason i feel goosebumps, i have wanted this day so much i didn't know how i would react if it actually happens.
“ Let's call martins and stop all this, i bet he's crying a river already” we both giggle, but I knew she felt really guilty, “ I told him to leave after a heated argument, how stupid can I be?”
She lays her head on her palm, mumbling words I couldn’t hear, “ well I know martins, and I know his love for you won’t make him consider the hurt feeling just call him up”
She cleans her eyes then picks up her phone.
“ maybe after that, we all go on a vacation away from los angeles, what do you say” she smiles nervously at me, but worries take over as martins call doing go though, he’s just sad that’s all, resting on the couch, the house look different for a while. It feels foreign , everything feels foreign to me, even her.
“He's not picking up” she said, maybe he left his phone somewhere who knows, he didn't even know i would be coming back,, maybe i would surprise him, picking up my phone i dialed his number but it wasn't going through, i really don't know where he is, but i hope it's not bar of some sort.
“ well, i am famished, let's make something to it, you could try some of my newly designed toast”
She said nervously smiling, i gave her back a nervous smile as i dropped my phone back on the chair,
Cooking for the first time with mom.
Hurray!!