She slapped me, maraming beses at aaminin ko na nagulat ako dahil do'n. Masakit... pero wala ng mas sasakit pa sa galit niyang titig sa akin.
"She smiled at me..." sabi ni Phoebe nang makapasok ako sa sasakyan. "Alam na alam ko 'yung gano'ng ngiti, Magen. Ngumiti siya sa akin... 'yung ngiting nagpapalaya... 'yung ngiting nagpapaubaya,"
I didn't answer and I just felt like crying. Sa gabi rin na 'yon ay pinuntahan ko ang parents ni Heart. Hindi ko kaya, I think I must settle this first. Gusto ko maayos ang kung ano'ng mayro'n sa pamilya namin. Hindi ko hahayaan na malaman ni Heart ang lahat. I don't want to hurt her more.
I confront her parents and I asked them... galit ako... galit na galit ako pero sa t'wing naaalala ko na anak nila si Heart ay parang nanlalambot ako.
The biggest thunder hit me. Heart heard what I asked to her parents. Her cousins punched me but I didn't fight back or complaint because I deserve all those punches and wounds. While facing heart my whole being seemed to crumple especially when I saw the hickey on her neck. Sobrang nagtataka ako pero hindi ko magawang magtanong dahil hindi ko alam kung may karapatan ba akong magtanong.
Heart sexually harrassed, I also blamed myself. Sana kung hindi ko siya bigla iniwan do'n sa bar baka ay hindi 'yon nangyari. Kasalanan ko... kasalanan ko ang lahat.
"Ang sinabi mo ay layuan kita, Magen." pakiramdam ko ay pinagsakluban ako ng langit at lupa.
I sniffed, calmly. "Happy Birthday, Heart." I uttered softly.
Hindi siya sumagot, her aura is now different. I can't see the very soft Heart. She look like a mess.
"Dapat hindi kana nag-abala pa na bumili ng regalo. Baka kasi isumbat mo lang sa akin 'yung nasayang mong oras para mabili 'yan. I don't need your time anymore," walang emosyon niyang sabi.
Hindi gano'n 'yon, Heart. Being with you is not a waste of time. It's a blessing in above that I'll always ask for.
"Heart, it's---" I tried to explain but I think I lost my chance.
"Why are you here?" she asked.
"Why not?" mahinahon niyang tanong.
"Ayaw mo ako makita 'di ba? You told me to stay away from you. Kaya bakit kapa nandito? I don't need your pities. I'm done with your shitness, Magen." inis na sabi niya. "You destroyed me..."
That's probably the most painful I've ever heard. Masakit dahil galing sa kaniya. Masakit dahil totoo.
"I'm so sorry..." I mumbled.
I tried my best to talk to her. Nasasaktan ako sa mga titig niya na walang kasing lamig. Nasasaktan ako kasi nasasaktan ko na naman siya.
"Go home because I'm sure Mom is here so that the anger in your heart will build up again. Kaya ngayon palang ay umalis kana..." hindi gano'n 'yon. "Naiintindihan ko na sa ngayon kung bakit hindi mo ako magawang mahalin. That is because your heart is still full of hatred and there is no space for love," she was about to cry again!
Hindi ko na nga naisip 'yung tungkol sa parents namin dahil sa ngayon ang gusto ko nalang muna ay manatili sa tabi niya. She needs me and even she didn't then... I'm willing to stay. Gusto ko alagaan siya. Gusto ko iparamdam sa kaniya ang totoong nararamdaman ko. I realized that the pain she was carrying was too much.
I told her what I'm really feeling. I'm starting to climb her wall even I know that when she shake it then I'm gonna feel hurt. Siguro ito na ang pinakamasakit kapag nagmamahal ka. Kapag gusto mo na maghilom kasama siya pero ang gusto niya ay hindi ka kasama. Gusto ko siyang mahalin pa pero nasasaktan pala siya sa pagmamahal na kaya kong ipakita at iparamdam.
Masakit daw ako magmahal. Paano ba magmahal? Paano ba magmahal ng hindi siya napapaiyak? Hindi napapalungkot... hindi nasasaktan. How I can love her if I don't know how to express that love that I've keeping all time. This is how I love because I can't express it.
"Talk to your parents.." Tita Stacey said as I was about to go out their house.
I nodded and smile, sobrang higpit ng hawak ko sa manibela habang nagda-drive papunta sa bahay. I found out the whole story. Dad didn't tell me the truth because Mom was afraid of how I would react.
"Sa ilang taon, Mama! Galit na galit ako kay Papa! Maling tao pala ang kinagagalitan ko!" naiyak kong sabi habang nangingilid ang mga kamay.
Sobrang nagsisisi ako sa mga taon na nasayang namin ni Papa. He was a good father to Mint and Me. Hindi ko aakalain na si Mama pala ang problema sa lahat. Mama is the one I chose to believe because she is my mother and only her side that is suffering was seen. I'm blinded of all the blame on papa.
"I-I'm so sorry..." Mom uttered.
Hindi ko siya pinansin at naglakad papunta kay Papa.
"Pa... s-sorry," naiyak kong sabi bago siya yakapin.
Yumakap din siya sa akin at tinapik ang likuran ko "Hindi kita pinapatawad kasi hindi naman ako nagalit sa'yo. May parte talaga sa buhay natin na makakagawa tayo ng desisyon para mayro'ng isa na hindi masaktan."
Dad and I talked a lot about the problems I faced over the years. I'm happy because he just listens to me and gives me the advices I really need.
"Kuya tama na!" awat sa'kin ni Mint nang pumaibabaw ako sa lalaking tinuro ni Hailey na humalik kay Heart.
Parang naging sarado ang utak ko at ang gusto ko lang ay masira ang mukha niya dahil sa mga suntok ko. Wala siyang karapatan na babuyin si Heart. Wala siyang karapatan na hawakan ang mahal ko. I'm willing to kill him just to get even.
"Pre..." awat ni Chave.
Wala akong pinakinggan at hinayaan nalang nila ako. Tumayo ako at hinila ang iba pang lalaki na kasama nitong gagong 'to. I punched them twice... thrice... uncountable times. Parang nagiging iba ako dahil namamanhid na ang buong katawan ko at wala akong pakialam kung pumalag sila.
"Baka mapatay mo sila!" galit na sigaw ni Denver.
"Papatayin ko talaga sila!" wala sa wisyo kong balik.
I tried my best to put them in jail since their family are powerful and have many connections. I spent a million just to cut their connections and to get the justice that Heart's deserves.
"Bakit hindi ka magpakita sa kaniya? My cousin is just like that but I know she's waiting for you," Chave mumbled as I stood up straight.
Nandito ako sa gilid ng gate ng bahay nila Heart at nakasilip sa veranda ng kwarto niya. Sa mga araw na lumipas ay halos ganito ang set-up ko. Standing here and stealing a gaze to Heart is part of my daily routine.
"She wants to heal alone..." mapait akong ngumiti.
"You need to heal to.." seryosong sabi ng kaibigan ko.
I nodded "Kaya nga ako nandito. She is my best healer,"
Hindi na siya nakasagot. I leaned on the gate when I saw her. Ilang beses akong napamura nang tumunog ang cellphone ko. I know she noticed me and I'm fck up again!
"Ano ba?!" inid kong sagot sa tawag nang makalayo na ako kina Heart.
"High blood?!" Phoebe uttered.
Napapikit ako para kumalma "What?"
"Ikakasal na ako..." seryosong sabi niya. "Invited ka," she added. "Isama mo si Heart,"
"I can't be with Heart and who will you marry? Why does it seem so sudden?"
Bumati na agad sa'kin si Wafer na nasa counter nang dumaan ako papasok sa aking opisina.
"Kay Rain..."
"Yung may gusto kay Heart?" napangiti ako.
"Ang epal!" she complaint. "Pero... yes,"
"Okay, send me the amount of the gown that you wanted. I'm going to pay for it. Pakasalan mo 'yang si Rain para hindi na makalapit kay Heart. Thanks, Phoebe. Best wishes!" and then she hanged up.
Parang napikon, but well. The threat is now tied with someone. Hindi ko alam kung paano sila nagkakilala or what pero wala na akong pakialam. I just hope that Phoebe will experience the life she deserves.
Ilang araw ang lumipas ay gano'n parin. Iniba ko na ang oras ng pagpunta kina Heart dahil baka mahuli niya na naman ako. Tumunog ang cellphone ko at nakita ko ang number ni Phoebe. Napapansin ko rin na laging malamya 'to.
"Punta ka dito sa Davies. May pa-party si Rain," malungkot niyang sabi.
I sniffed "Alright..." I want to be wasted too so I immediately agreed.
Nang makapasok agad ako sa Davies ay sinalubong ako ni Phoebe. She let me seat on the couch.
"Phoebe..." saway ko ng umupo siya sa hita ko.
Baka makita ni Heart! Ayaw kong bigyan pa siya ng rason para magselos kay Phoebe. I was about to push her when she cried. She hugged me and I don't know but I can hear Heart's sobs.
"Last na... please, sobrang nasasaktan na ako sa ginagawa ni Rain. I need someone even just a hug. Hindi ko na kaya," iyak niya bago ako yakapin ng mahigpit.
I just let her cry, I leaned my head on her shoulder so she can feel that his bestfriend is still here and willing to comfort her.
"Delete it!" Rain voice thundered.
Biglang napatayo si Phoebe at pinunasan ang mukha. Rain is looking to the girl sitting on the other couch.
Bumaling si Rain sa akin at hinagis ang kaniyang cellphone na nasalo ko "Go to Heart!" he shouted.
Naguluhan pa ako sa sinabi niya pero nang tingnan ko ang screen ng cellphone niya ay parang binuhusan ako ng malamig na tubig. Heart reacted on the post and.... with it, she left.
Iniwan ako...
Iniwan ako ng babae na hinihiling ko na manatili. Lumayo siya sa'min... sa'kin. Hindi ako nawalan ng pag-asa habang hindi siya nakikita. I fou I found out that he was on camiguin island and on vacation. I smiled as I watched her stare around. I am here inside the cottage and watching her in the distance. Ayaw kong malaman niya na nasa malapit lang ako dahil baka magalit lang siya. She wants to be alone but it can't be. It was as if my whole being had been crushed by what had happened to her. She was hallucinating and she almost drowned. She cried while screaming and seeing her like that was killing me.
Saving her means saving myself. Kasi kung hindi ko ginawa 'yon ay mawawalan narin ng halaga ang buhay ko.
"Gago! H'wag naman gano'n!" naiyak kong sigaw kay Chave na pinipigilan akong sumakay ng kotse.
"Umalis na nga, Pre!" natatawa niya pa na sabi.
Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili ko at binalya siya. I grabbed his collar because I was mad at his silly smile. Umalis si Heart at hindi namin alam kung nasaan naba tuluyan siya.
"Nasa ibang bansa na 'yon! Mag-aasawa na!" natatawa niya pa na dagdag.
"Hindi pwede!" malakas kong sigaw at sinuntok siya.
I don't know if he just want to annoy me or what but one thing for sure. I can't find Heart.
Sa mga araw na nangungulila ako sa kaniya ay walang araw na hindi ako umasa na babalik siya. Mahal niya ako, kaya alam kong babalik siya. Hindi ko alam kung kailan pero handa akong maghintay sa pagbalik niya.
Handa akong hintayin ang babae na naging dahilan kung bakit nalaman ko kung gaano kasarap sa pakiramdam ang magmahal. I don't want to look at other girls the way I looked at Heart.
Sana pala no'ng time na gusto ako ni Heart ay hindi na ako nagpadala sa takot. Sana pala naging matapang ako na ipakita ang totoong nararamdaman ko. I was blinded of all buts and what-ifs. I keep on encouraging her to go away. I kept on hurting her with all of my decisions in life. Hindi ko alam kung bakit mas pinili ko 'wag siya masaktan. Akala ko kasi na kapag kasama niya ako ay masasaktan siya. Hindi ko napansin na sa bawat taboy ko sa kaniya ay mas doble pa pala 'yung sakit na ayaw kong maramdaman niya.
I was scared because I felt I was not capable of loving someone. I might just hurt her because I'm not ideal for her. I always thought I was no good for her. That I don't deserve the love of a Poena Heart Nazario because I feel like I'm not yet at the level of a man who can be with her. She is almost perfect and I have many imperfections.
"Heart? Nazario? Uhmm.. yup, nakakasama ko siya sa shoot. Do'n sa beauty products na ine-endorse ko. Why?" Tamara answered when I asked about Heart.
She's a famous actress and I know it's not nice to use her to have something to know about Heart. Heart is already here in the Philippines and I can't approach her because she is already building a career. I was so happy when she chose to be a model especially and I almost see her in magazines, billboards, and on televisions. Like...
It's my Honey over there.
"Where are you going tommorrow?" she asked.
Nandito kami ngayon sa isang restaurant na kinainan nila ng mga staffs. Hindi sana ako magpapaiwan kasama siya pero kailangan kong magtanong.
"Resort ni Tita Stacey..." sagot ko. "How's Heart? Marami bang umaaligid na lalaki? Is she doing fine?"
"You like her?" hindi ako sumagot.
Laking pasasalamat ko nang tumunog ang cellphone ko. I excused myself and told her that I need to go home. Chave is calling me.
"Why?" walang gana na tanong ko bago paandarin ang sasakyan.
"Bukas ha?" he asked. "Kaso, hindi pupunta si Heart," he added.
Mapait akong ngumiti "Okay," and then I hanged up.
I was sad when Heart avoid anyone. I mean, she avoid her cousins and friends also her titos and titas. Alam ko kung gaano kahirap ang dinanas niya. She was suffering from mental illness and I was devastated because of it. She doesn't deserve those struggles. My honey doesn't deserve many strife in life. She deserve the best of best.
"You are here!" nagulat ako nang humawak sa braso ko di Tamara.
Lalayo na sana ako nang bigla niya akong halikan. I was shocked reason why I pushed her hard.
"Bullshit!" malakas kong sigaw nang makalayo ako sa kaniya.
Halos magsugat ang labi ko sa sobrang pagpupunas. I don't want her lips! I just want Heart's lips on mine!
"You like Heart?!" napahinto ako sa tanong niya.
Galit ko siyang tiningnan "Yes! So damn hard!"
"You used me?!" mahina ngunit naiinid niyang tanong.
"I'm so sorry... si Heart lang ang gusto ko matagal na. She will always be the number one here," sabay turo ko sa sentido at dibdib ko.
I heard her called me many times but I continued to walk away.
Gano'n naman talaga kapag nagmahal ka. You will use anything or any thoughts in the process of claiming someone.
Unexpectedly, Heart showed up. I was shocked and happy at the same time. Sobrang ganda niya parin. Kulang nalang ata ay lumuhod ako para sambahin ang kagandahan niya.
She was smiling and I wasn't the reason at her smile anymore but it's fine. As long as she's happy... everything is alright.
I kissed her.
Sa halik na 'yon ay naramdaman ko ang pagiging buo. Kissing her brings back my home. She was my home and she will always be my safe sanctuary.
Siya ang tahanan ko at siya lang ang makakapagpatahan sa pusong ko naiwanan.
"H'wag naman ganiyan, Honey. Mahal kita... mahal na mahal naman kita. Don't hate me..." pagmamakaawa ko.
Binalya niya ako sa sobrang hina ko ay napaupo ako sa sahig ng elevator. I can't lose this chance anymore. I don't want her to get the wrong idea. Hindi ko na kaya na mawala pa siya sa'kin. Mababaliw ako kapag nangyari 'yon. Hindi pwede!
"I'm done with you, Magen. I want to be out," mahinang sabi niya nang bumukas ang elevator.
I called her many times, kahit nanghihina ako ay sumunod parin ako sa kaniya. I didn't bother to wipe my tears. Ayos lang... kung siya rin ang iiyakan ko ay ayos lang.
"Honey..." laking pasasalamat ko nang hindi ako pumiyok.
I felt like the world spin so wrong when I saw her ex. Hindi pwedeng sila ang magsama. He doesn't need to touch my Honey's skin.
"Stop it, Magen. I'm done with you,"
Parang namanhid na ang buong katawan ko sa huling salitang sinabi niya. Those words are killing me. Masakit... hindi ako nakailag sa sakit.
"C-Chave..." naiyak kong sabi nang tawagan ko si Chave.
Para akong isang bata na nagsusumbong at nahingi ng tulong. I don't care if he's going to laugh because I'm crying for his cousin. Wala akong pakialam kung para akong tanga na nakaupo sa sahig habang naiyak at sinasabunutan ang sarili. Nababaliw na ako!
"C-Chave... g-galit si H-Heart," napaiyak na naman ako bago ilapag ang cellphone at takpan ang mukha.
"Stop crying, Dude."
"A-ayaw kong magalit na naman siya. She was really angry. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. Paano kung itaboy niya na ako ng tuluyan?! Paano ako?! Hindi ko kayang maging masaya kung hindi lang din naman siya ang magiging dahilan. I want her! Siya lang... Pre, h-hindi ko na kaya kapag--"
"Nasa condo ka ni Heart? Pupunta na ako,"
I waited a few minutes for Chave. Uncountable thoughts enters my mind and I feel like my head is going to explode in excess. Sa sobrang dami parang gusto ko nalang magpahinga habambuhay.
Pero... hindi pwede, ayaw kong iwan si Heart. Ayaw kong may makakuha sa kaniya na ibang lalaki. Gusto ko ako lang ang makakapagparamdam sa kaniya kung paano makaramdam ng totoong pagmamahal. Gusto ko na sa akin niya lang mararanasan ang lahat ng gusto niyang maranasan. Gusto kong ako lang ang maging dahilan ng mga ngiti niya.
Siya ang bumubuo sa akin at gusto kong ako rin ang bubuo sa kaniya.
"I don't want to let you go anymore. I want you now to hold my hand. Ako na ang bahala na kumapit para hindi ka makawala. Let me be your man. Let me love you the way that you deserve. I'll promise that I will try my best to not hurt you and make you cry. If I will hurt you unintentionally then ipasa mo sa akin lahat ng sakit... let me in tears,"
I was so happy when we both got along. We even went to a famous beach to spend our time with each other. It feels good to talk about our future. For me, it was the best conversation we had.
Planning our future is the best plan we have ever planned.
I kneeled down and offered the diamond ring that I bought 2 years ago "Kung ang english ng puti ay white... pwede ba kita maging wife?" I asked her.
We are here today in the midst of the waves aboard a ship full of roses.I wanted the dark sky, bright moon, and stars, strong waves to witness as I propose to her. She cried and nodded before hugged me.
The first time I looked at her I knew I would love her more than I thought and I wasn't wrong because whatever I did to climb out of being drowned after her... I couldn't do it. I saw her laugh and smile wonderfully and it was as if something was pinching my heart, pushing me to seek deeper to know her. I just want to meet her and stopping those ideas makes me feel defeated.
Whatever I do to push her away, I fall even more in love with her. Kasi kahit anong gawin kong pagtaboy sa kaniya ay siya parin ang sinisigaw ng puso ko na gustong manatili... na gustong bumalik. She's the only woman I want to stay by my side. She is the only woman who makes me feel how scary it is to love someone especially even if I have the deepest flaws but she also makes me feel how good it is to love the person I want to love.
Natutunan ko na kapag nagmahal ka pala ay gagawin mo ang lahat para lang hindi masaktan ang taong mahal mo. I was blinded to my flaws and insecurities and I forced myself to tell myself that I would never be enough with a woman like her pero... mali pala ako, maling-mali pala ako.
Kasi kapag nagmahal ka kahit ano'ng gawin mong pagtaboy, pag-iwas, at pagtakbo palayo ay magmamahal ka parin pala talaga.
Loving her teach me many lessons in life. That when you really love someone you don't have to hold back on boundaries and limitations. Love doesn't have reasons. Love does not recognize boundaries. Love doesn't consider limitations. Ang pagmamahal ay walang pinili at hindi dapat na pigilan dahil natural lang ang magmahal. I made many flawed decisions in life because I thought that decision was right but even so she still accepted me. She picked all the pieces of the results of my wrong decisions. I realized that there is someone destined for us. Nakatadhana na tanggapin tayo ng buong-buo. Nakatadhana na masaktan natin at masaktan tayo.
I realized that when you start loving someone there is the point that will come when you can hurt the one you love and she/he will hurt you too. Because love is not just about romantic excitement and joy it is also about how far that love will go when facing all the trials and errors that you will encounter. I made her cry many times.
Gusto ko na sa bawat luha na nalabas niya ay mapalitan ko 'yon ng mga ngiti sa labi. Gusto ko na kapag umiyak ulit siya ay dahil sa saya na. Gusto ko iparanas sa kaniya kung paano ba talaga ako magmahal na... hindi siya napapaiyak... hindi siya nasasaktan... hindi siya nahihirapan. Kasi gusto kong maramdaman niya kung gaano ako kasarap magmahal. I don't want her to cry anymore because I hurt her again. If love has equal tears then I'm ready to cry just so she won't cry anymore.
I'm Dawn Magen Villafueno her brightness shield and she's Poena Heart Nazario my treasure. Love is a battle and her tears are my hardest rival.
She's my treasure and I'm her brightness shield, with her tears I was defeated.