Chapter 41: Dear Panashe pt3
It felt good to have my friend back again. I couldn't wait to tell him what had occurred between Lady Tracy and I. He always gave me unfiltered advise. He was more supportive than my mother in the past few months. With my pregnancy becoming bigger, you would assume my mother would give me tips and advise but she ignored me. She asked if I was alright then she would turn to go. She constantly asked if I planned on keeping it, it being the baby. The constant pressure that I was doing the wrong thing. I put all my trust in William. Trust that he would protect me and our child. Trust that he would protect us and provide for us in whichever way he can.
"That witch has absolutely no shame." Hector said, after I had explained the ideal that had happened between us. I couldn't keep it to myself, I had to tell someone for reassurance that, I was doing the right thing and everything will be alright. Lady Tracy still scared me.
"I gather, I know who is Liam's father!" He added.
"You do?"
"Of course, I have worked for the Gallagher's long enough to know whose room she sneaks into when no one is aware and looking—"
"One of Williams brother's remember?"
He shrugged. "Ofcourse, it's Master Gerald. I evermore wondered what they got up to when they were in the piano room together definitely not rehearsing some piano pieces."
I'm afraid, I did not know what, I had just apprehended. Hearing Hectors final say had me a little baffled. I suppose even if Milton was the perpetrator, I would still have been dismayed. I was right then, Master Milton displayed so much hatred for his little brother but he was not the perpetrator. Master Gerald was and is the silent killer. He was always composed during any sort of altercation. Composed? Was it because he knew, he had already played Judas... or that he had the upper hand.
"Whenever I feel horrid, I remember there are much worse people that live amongst us and more so, no one is perfect. I must apologize for our last quarrel... it was very unfair of me but I suppose it was all the anger that I felt at that moment."
"No! It was all my doing."
"Well, let's read this letter and see what your lover says."
This made me grin widely.
—
Dear Panashe
The thought of having a child with you, always has me thrilled. When I have a bad day or when I feel like I have had enough... the thought of you improves my mood. Speaking of a bad day, more like a bad week. Arriving in Australia had me thrilled in many ways. It's beautiful, their beaches are much admirable and peachy than our own back in Britain. I understand why my father would want to secure land here in this magnificent, uncontaminated neurotic compass. I seem to be backtracking on issues of no importance.
My brother and I, got into an altercation the other day. He said some things that had me appalled and upset. He mentioned Tracy and how I was so blind to everything around me. I absolutely do not appreciate anyone claiming Tracy to be a deceitful adulterine. If anything, I deserve those harsh affirmations; not Tracy. I understand, this may upset you because, I'm speaking of my wife and—
I apologize. I need to fume and there is no other person, I confide in better than you. It's really awful of my brother to make such claims. I always knew he was a frivolous being but this just takes the cake. He is upset about many things, he loves to ruffle my feathers and I never take it to heart but this was not something I could just simply brush off. Even more, my father did not defend me... shocking because he always does. Instead he told my brother to keep shut if they had nothing better to say. This made me question everything. They all laughed as if they were hiding something from me. My father, did not laugh; he simply shook his head in distaste.
I felt worse than a fool.
I question a lot. If this happened to be true, I would be mauled for a while. Not because I love Tracy, I do... but I'm sorry. I'm sure this isn't something you would find amusing to read about. I care about Tracy, I respect her and the person she is. I would be hurt in regards to her making a fool out of me. For I have put all my trust in her. I would be hurt because I value honesty more than anything. I suppose, it's an eye for an eye. I have lived with Tracy for so long that, I could not imagine her betraying me in the worst manner. She has always been there for me through all my hardships. The hardships, I faced with my father and her pushing me to peruse my passion of being a doctor regardless of my father's disapproval. I find it, agonizing, she is a good person and I trust her. She has bore me a son whom I adore and consider my almost blessing, made me the happiest—
—
I immediately told him to stop reading. I had asked Hector to read for me because there were words, I still struggled with here and there. It took so much time for me get through a paragraph. I knew well enough to read but it took me much longer to mouth the words and get the full context. Hector was a big help but I told him to stop. My heart felt heavy, It was too much for me to handle. It was too much for me to fathom. Hard for me because this man sounded as if he might actually be in love with his wife and well... what he felt for me was just infatuation because what we have is forbidden and the tendency to want what you can't have tends to be higher than genuineness. Who am I to stop him?
"Do you want me to continue?"
"No." I whispered lowly, I knew my tears were very close.
"Maybe it gets better..."
"N-no, Hector! I just do not understand why he would send me something of that sort. Does he mean to hurt me? Does he not love me as much as he claims? You said he loved me!" I whimpered making Hector pull me into his arms. I was sat on his bed, at the butler lodging. There were four bunk beds in this room, it seemed more modernly comfortable than Negro communions.
"I honestly do not know what to say... I do not want to feed you lies." He muttered, seeming remorseful.
"He loves her?" I asked.
"You get to ask him when his ship returns two weeks from now. It's that soon."
"I don't know." I faltered.
"If he does love her, it doesn't take away the love he feels for you as well. Suppose it happens... to be caught within two people."
"I want him to love only me!" I hiccuped, my tears immediately finding a leeway.
"Believe me, I want the same for you as well but... we can't have everything."
"He loves me!" I said more to myself. Trying to convince myself. I felt a familiar feeling of anger and betrayal, he always had a way of playing with my emotions. I could not stand for it. I did not want to jump into conclusions either but Hector's affirmations made me doubtful. His opinion mattered and somehow, he always seemed to be right. My worst fear my was my mother yelling in my face that she was right, she was right, she was right.
If William refused to believe his brothers claims to Tracy being an adulteress then me making my own claims would have him look at me as if I'm the jealous ratchet 'other woman'. It was all conflicting but I would tell him regardless, it would be his choice to believe me or not.