Chapter 42: Called it acceptance
With William's mother gone for a while, I presumed she would be back today. The supervisors at the plantations were not pleased with me not doing any sort of hard duty. It didn't matter that I happened to be pregnant, it didn't matter that I was six months pregnant. It didn't matter at all. After being privileged and favored for so long... I had lost all the privilege with no one being there to speak up for me. Williams mother had felt she needed a break from everything so she went off to visit her daughter. It had been three weeks since she left. I understood why she left me under the bridge... I was the least of her worries. I was just pregnant not dying. Lady Martha happened to be stressed about her husband's well being as well as her sons. If Master Joshua passed on... there would be a whole lot of altercations. His brothers may suddenly appear to fight for his fortune not to mention the feud that would occur amongst the half siblings. There were supervisors that were left in charge of different sections of the plantations while Master Joshua was not around. They were weak in front of him and got yelled at like lap dogs but as soon as they were alone they acted with such authority that you would think the plantation were all in their names. I never took any liking to the supervisors. I thought they were the most evil. With recent news of one of them raping a seven year old child. It absolutely broke my heart. It reminded me that I was absolutely worthless and they were superior... I was well aware that I'd be next. It was in the way they spoke of me, not even my pregnancy would scare them off. Often times pregnant women got raped more because there would be absolutely no proof of the violation such as a potentially pregnancy. Regardless, rape was a commune thing, it was just best to allow it until it was over.
"You have done nothing but laze around sitting in the mud, I ought to give you a good whipping!" Master Perkins yelled from behind. "Or good shag, since you're already pregnant; bloody harlot!" I felt disgusted as he passed by with a whip in his hand, I felt even more afraid. I got the fright of my life. I did not mean to complain or render myself special but my feet hurt and the sun was blazing, my head was aching. My hands and feet had too many blisters, it hurt to even continue. My mother was not there either to defend me... reason being; there were different types of groups that worked on the plantation. Young men and women joined the First group in their late teens fortunately my mother shielded me from that by grooming me to work in the house. The ages could range differently from plantation to plantation but on the Gallagher plantation, once any negro was strong enough, they would work. They would be considered to work for the first group. As the years go by and the hard work has wrecked their bodies they would be relegated to the Second Gang, which worked hard but not as hard as the First young group. After perhaps twenty years in the Second group, a person now about 40 years old would appear old and worn out, and would join other old people and young children in the Third group (the 'Grass Group'), which weeded the crops, and gathered weeds and grass as feed for animals. White owners and overseers watched over all of these processes, and enslaved 'drivers' also organised work. Overseers and drivers had whips, and they used them to force enslaved people to work harder all day everyday.
My mother was still in the second group of plantation workers. I had been placed in the Grass Group. I still found it hard to do the work I had been assigned. From afar, in the three works I had worked here. I had to watch women get pulled aside and get taken behind the much taller unharvested sugar canes... often they came out looking even more tired and worn out. No screams would be heard. I presumed, like I had been advise. You just let them do what they have to so it ends sooner than when you have to fight and get horribly beaten.
All this reminded me of the many times. I had to force myself to be quiet and to concur with everything William would do to me. I felt helpless but it was a much better feeling knowing it would be over soon and I did not have to go through it again for at-least the rest of the night. The worst was when it took longer than usual for him to reach his climax. Forcing yourself to be wet, was absolutely heartrending but knowing it lessened the pain, you had to. I found myself trying really hard to produce any liquid possible so the thrusts would hurt as much. I had the privilege of being raped on a somewhat comfortable bed by one person each day. I wouldn't consider that a privilege but in this case it was. I couldn't imagine the pain of having all overseers take turns while laying back in between the tall reeds of sugar cane. I swallowed a huge gulp of fear thinking about all this.
Everyone around just seemed to mind their own business or pretend as if they had not seen anything. It was within times like these that I knew we were cursed. I did not understand, what we had done wrong? To live such animalistic lives. Even animals lived better. Fear crept within me so hard that I peed myself often. I did not care that I smelled like piss in fact, I hoped that would make them lay off me. Regardless, I was well aware that my day was coming. I had to convince myself that it was fine, I'm strong. It won't even last a while. I can survive this, I have been here before. I peed myself because I found it hard to even stand, I lost all the confidence to even ask to be excused. They enjoyed torturing us. They would constantly tell us that we couldn't be excused for what so ever reason. I wasn't the only person who peed myself. It was some sort of entertainment for them to see a grown man or woman pee themselves because they felt helpless.
At this point, I had even heard whispers of people saying... it wouldn't take a week before I had lost my baby. I had passed three weeks so far. Not much of an achievement but it made me feel better. I got pushed around a lot, I fell back a lot. I had only been whipped once on my knees for working too slow, the scars weren't all that bad and were beginning to heal. I had not made the mistake of doing anything slowly ever again. I found myself crying silently as I worked. Crying most of the time, people laughed at me saying 'Oh the House pet isn't quite used to this life style' I did not want to think about William, I couldn't depend on him. Like I had said before, he would not always be there to protect me and this was an instance. I had accepted that if I lost this child, I'd be the only person to blame. Thinking about William's letter made me even more sick. I understood that William was only human and whether he loved Tracy or not, i had to be open minded to the thought. Most signs showed that he valued her and loved her. As much as it hurt to think about or say... maybe it was best for me to distance myself from him. Lady Tracy had been his wife for over seven years, of-course they shared some sort of bond. If William wanted to be with his five months pregnant wife, it shouldn't be something. I should have a problem with. I thought about it a lot. I did not want to cry, like I did at first. I did not want to depend sorely on him. I had to learn how things worked out here in the field. I had to learn how to survive not just for myself but my child.
If William's brothers had tried to tell him the truth about his wife, then would it make any difference if I did? I did not seem to think so. Unfortunately some of us had to get the short end of the stick and that's how life went. Of all things to look forward to, I looked forward to Sunday and Church because I got to sit and rest even for a bit. That's all I was looking forward to, continuously.