Chapter 51: Called it regret.
Lord Durham and his wife were astounded by their daughter's behavior. She had almost managed to hurt herself even more. Her nose was bleeding and the constant slaps she was giving herself made everyone second her mental well-being. She continued to scratch her skin. 'Stupid stupid' is the only word she repeatedly muttered. The couple were angrier with her husband for leaving her this way. Leaving the children knowing their mother was very unwell.
"Mother, I quite like sex with other men." Lady Tracy continued to laugh at her mother's horrified reaction. She then continued to call herself stupid multiple times. "William has a child with a negro girl."
"Tracy!!" Lord Durham, her father warned sternly.
"WILLIAM MADE A NEGRO GIRL PREGNANT!!" She yelled with tears. From afar, eleven year old, Liam was overhearing everything through the slightly closed door. His heart skipped a beat, some memories came back to him some clear and some very unclear. He was only five, he did not know if it actually happened or his imagination was fooling with him. Many times he found it normal how his father cornered her in the kitchen and gave her kisses that would make her giggle. Many times, he found the small smiles they gave each other when they thought no one was looking. Many times Liam had been forced to take naps and in the midst of them, he would sleepily open his eyes to find a blurry image of her straddling his father and quietly giggling, he always went back to sleep. Anger was what he felt, his father had deceived his mother and now she had gone mental because of it. She was unstable because of him. It hurt him that his father, someone he admired and always looked up to would have done something so horrible to his mother.
"Are you aware that his father passed?" Lord Durham told his daughter who rolled her eyes.
"If this is the truth then I absolutely do not blame my daughter for reacting the way she has. Absolutely nothing hurts than being replaced or the man you love preferring an animal over you. Much worse having an offspring with that anima—" it did not take seconds before he had laid a hand on her despicable mouth. Lord Durham did not condone it and would never condone it. William willingly cheating on his daughter was wrong but simultaneously he understood what it felt like to not be with who you really wanted to be. He had been one of the many socialites who had been signing petitions and so on, appealing to the end of slavery. Not just so his daughter, Mary could leave a comfortable life but because it was inhumane to treat people in such a manor. Things were looking up, signatures were accumulating. Some people were starting to accept that these people were humans as well. Lord Durham was playing a huge role in the campaigns and parliament.
"With every passing day, Gertrude, you test my patience and just one of these days... I will send you packing."
"I apologize." She said quickly.
"You always always apologize. I'm sick and tired of your apologies. You do not support my organizations neither do you support the things I want to archive. You have absolutely no humanity."
The woman only pursed her lips.
"It was very foolish of me to say." She added. She only shook his head before turning to Tracy who was uncomfortably whispering things to herself and giggling. "I have called for the lunatic Asylum to come fetch her. This is far too much for me to deal with."
"You're advocating rights for poor negroes but you're sending your own daughter to those evil and vile chambers where people are absolutely ill treated."
"Gertrude, she is mentally ill and murmurs a whole lot of nonsense."
"But she is a your daughter."
"My daughter who is sick. As far as I'm concerned, I will have a talk with William regarding why he left his kids abruptly with a mad woman." He added. "She probably gets her madness from you, people from my family always happened to be well-poised." He said walking out of the room. Her mouth was left agape, clearly insulted but she didn't voice out her thought... if she did, she would not have a husband or the life she has by tomorrow.
—
Bawling her eyes because her only weakness was her son and only her son. She had searched for all his usual hiding spots. It greatly angered her how ignorant her mother was. Her mother was far too toxic for her and if she could, she would go far away from here. Lately this environment had not been the most pleasant. It had never been pleasant but she kept strong for her son but it was just fairly harrowing to stay. Her mother had been nothing but cold and very unsupportive, many times... she suggested Panashe drop the baby off at the Gallagher's door step and runaway. She knew, her mother was not excited about Christian but giving the benefit of the doubt... she always thought maybe, just maybe she would have a change of heart. Master Joshua had.
Abruptly wiping her tears when she got to the door. She was desperate, if she could search for him by herself and find him; she would. Panashe thought maybe he would be in the Gallagher mansion, maybe just maybe they had seen him. Firmly trying to compose herself on the porch she couldn't contain every tear that came with every thought. It was almost seven and by now they were probably serving supper.
Finding the courage, she finally did.
Of all the days, Hector just had to be off on this day. She waited before knocking yet again, a little urgently. She was greeted by one of the housekeepers who led her towards the dining hall where everyone was sat, chatting and she hated that she was on the spot. Everyone turned to look at her, she looked horrid, she couldn't have cared any less as long as she found her son. She had assumed that Lady Tracy would be there waiting to abash her in front of everyone. The talk about her, having William's child. There had been none, she was grateful for that. They were doing just fine even before he came, they would be fine still even if he left. He was the first person to pay attention to her. His eyes always found a way to scrutinize her and out her on the spot. They seemed somewhat warm and pleasantly looking at her. He did not speak. She did not either at least not at him.
"I must apologize for disturbing you bu—" she broke into tears, immediately everyone was concerned. Everyone because Gerald and Milton were absent if they had happened to be present... giving sympathy would be the list of their concerns. "Christian ran off. My mother does not know where he is—" William abruptly got up from his chair. He felt the need to protect her and be there for her. She seemed so vulnerable and broke, hiccuping as she spoke. Her hands shaking and eyes inflamed from crying.
"Oh, Panashe... do not worry. Christian is a smart boy, he would not be too far from the ranch. This is the only place he knows, he must not be that far." Lady Martha said going to give her a hug. For those who weren't used to seeing a white woman hug a black woman they sneered as if she must have had a plague. They were not disgusted with her but it was somewhat weird for them to see such a scene. It was far from what they were taught and it just oddly concerned them to watch. Rachel Gallagher could not contain the sneer that curved on her face at the sight of her step mother hugging a negro. She immediately lost her appetite.
William kept his distance when he desperately wanted to hold her.
As if just on time, the Durham's arrived except Tracy and the kids were not there. "How dare you leave your children with a mental woman?" He questioned as soon as the butler had announced his presence not even waiting for the formalities of greetings.
"They're not mine." William said, Panashe was not surprised but she was shocked that he knew? He knew? She assumed he had continued to stay ignorant.
"They're most definitely yours, quit being a bastard." He said with gritted teeth.
"I'd know any child of William just by looking at them with one glance. Those are not his children. Stop bombarding my son who has done nothing but be a good husband to a harlot of a wife." Lady Martha defended.
Tracy's mother immediately started fuming. "We plan on telling everyone that he made a negro pregnant. The court and church and—"
Panashe felt her tears welling up. If they did this, she was sure she would never see her child again. The Gallagher's by law would be forced to keep the child and far from her. It hurt her deeply, she was more worried about where he was than this bicker. For a moment she wished, Master Joshua had not passed. Lord Durham looked at Panashe with so much sympathy.
"He did not." Panashe voiced. "It's not his child."
Tracy's mother only chuckled. "You had the nerve to destroy my daughter's marriage. I will make sure you never see your son again. You messed with the wrong family. We have had it with you Gallagher's and your poor quality slaves. We will—"
"Be quiet, Gertrude!" Lord Durham said clearing his throat.
"Why are you ignoring the fact that your daughter is an adulteress. Liam is not my brother's son. The audacity your daughter had to name her son after my brother!" William's sister, Kathleen defended.
"We're going to bring Liam and Adeline here after the funeral. They're your children and we will not take care of them for you. Tracy is mentally unwell and she is getting some help."
"What part of they're not his children do you not understand Edgar?" Lady Martha yelled now fuming with anger. The servants were now eavesdropping. This was far too interesting for anyone to turn a blind eye on.
Lord Durham pursed his lips. "Until Tracy gives us the name of the fathers, they will stay here with the father they know, the family they know."
"Nonsense!" William's sister, Cynthia added.
"Martha teach your children manors, we will be off. William expect your kids."
"You clearly failed at being a parent with Tracy's shenanigans manifesting as plaid proof. Just who are you Edgar to question my parenting."
"Your son is a rapist." Gertrude Durham said zealously with her arms crossed. "That's enough proof of your parenting skill. Edgar, shall we leave?"
"So is your husband?" Lady Martha spat. "He raped Mary's mother and led her to suicide. We know the truth, that's why his guilt conscience is eating him so much. He is all about fighting for the negros. Check yourself before you step into my home babbling absurdity." She yelled. "Now I have my grandson to look for, if you may excuse us."
Astounded and angry, the Durham's marched out making it known that they weren't very pleased.
"I know where he is, not to worry." Lady Martha said leading Panashe towards the direction of her late husband's study. Opening it, a whiff of Master Joshua's cologne was all over. There was a mahogany table, piling news papers, too many books to read.
Panashe immediately broke into tears when her eyes searched everywhere and her little boy was not there. She was so disoriented that she did not know William was right behind her. He did not know how he could ever fix things with her. Looking at her hurting brought him pain. Memories passed through his mind, she was always so smiley and giggly. He could finally admit how much he missed her and how much time he spent trying not to think about her. Trying to forget analytics her and after all these years, she still had the very same effect she had on him years back. Lady Martha then opened a secret door way towards where Master Joshua kept his safe. A secret room that not many people knew about. In there Christian had his knees close to his chest. Counting... "twenty two, twenty three—"
When his mother called him, he immediately ran to into her arms. Crying he whispered. "I was waiting for grandpa to come fetch me. He said if I'm ever scared I should hide here and wait for him. He did not come..."
This only made Panashe cry.
From afar William felt overwhelmed.
His father had done what he couldn't and it was clear that no one could ever replace the spot his father had taken in his son's life. He envied the admiration that came from his son whenever he spoke of him. He would always be 'bloody William' clearly his father had not filtered anything. It hurt to know that, his son did not need him. Panashe did not need him. He was not needed. They were fine without him. Perfectly fine!