Chapter 55: Called it nothing new.
"But tomorrow you need to go see... Mrs. Kennedy!" Panashe told her son who was sitted in the dirt beside his mother who was getting rid of grass weeds, along with other slaves who kept to themselves, minding their own. A supervisor, walking about with his whip... randomly whistling.
"But why can she not come here..?" Christian frowned.
"Because Christian, I don't think she would like to come this side. It's better you go there alright?" She explained. "Besides, all your stationary is there and there is a lot more space for a learning environment."
Christian only frowned.
"Mommy... can we leave? and buy a new house like grandpa.."
Panashe only sighed. "Things do not work that way, Christian."
"Why, Is it because my father did not want me?"
Panashe felt as if the ground could just open up and swallow her. She was conflicted, how did her six year old ever come to such conclusions, it was sorely Master Joshua' s doing. It was something she really dreaded, how would she ever tell her son that he was as a result of adultery with a married man. The part married already made her sick to her stomach. Lady Tracy was not the nicest of people but simultaneously she wished, she had never involved herself in their already crushing and burning marriage. There would come a time when Christian finally understood race constructs, where he would be able to identify that according to society, his mother was only worth nothing but labor value and maybe sexual work thrown in and his father was on the higher stature and considered very important. Christian was so innocent and oblivious to the way things worked around him. He had grown up somewhat privileged to receive love from the receiving end of his white family. She often thought about how he would feel about William being his father... at the moment, it did not matter. Christian did not need anything from William, he did not add value in his son's life. Whether he was upset, triggered or just being whiny, it did not at all affect Christian in anyway.
"Because when you grow up, you will understand honey.."
"I hate this place!"
So do I.
Her subconscious, replied but she could not say that to her son. She could not allow him to see how miserable she actually was. She had to put on a facade that she is happy, with him she always was but with William being back and her mother her mother... it was hard to even be content. Christian had told his mother about all the how mean the new white boy had been towards him. She had known Liam to be a very kind, sweet child and this just surprised her. Christian not wanting to go there... she respected it. Not wanting to trigger him with thoughts of miss his grandfather. If anything went downhill, Christian would quickly think... if his grandpa was here this wouldn't be happening. Forcing him to go somewhere, he did not want to... just would not work.
"When can we leave this place?" He asked, irritably scratching his upper neck leaving red patches of rush all over the exposed parts of his skin. Panashe, could only think, here we go again. Whenever this happened, it would always later spread throughout his whole body even to the none sun exposed parts but it did not seem as bad.
"Christian, you need to go sit on the shade... look now? This is what I'm always avoiding.."
"No, I want to help you!"
"I know baby, but your skin is already irritated, where is your hat? You need to always cover up because your skin is very sensitive alright?"
He only scrunched his face.
"Christian—"
"YOU SEEM TO BE WORKING WITH YOUR MOUTHS OVER THERE!!!"
"Don't shout at my mommy like that!" Christian yelled back. The man only looked at the little boy cautiously and shook his head. He came over kneeling in front of Christian he smirked, licking his lips lightly when he looked at Panashe's direction who felt very uncomfortable. She had always felt nothing but discomfort under his gaze or at times, any men's gaze. Men scared Panashe... not after a certain incident that had happened a couple of years ago. It scarred her for life... she not only did not want any man near her, she needed them at a far proximity. Her mother had blamed her choice of clothing at the time. It was something she wanted to forget about, but it haunted her in the midst of her every thought. Nightmares, that constantly revisited her.
"Listen here little boy, do not make me give your mother another sibling that looks like you..." He said, giving Christian a grin before he walked away. This sent cold shivers down her spine.
"Maybe its best you go visit grandma for today..." She suggested. "Do not mind him..." she tried to give Christiana smile when all she wanted to do was cry. He was her only, valid reason to want to continue with this horror of a life. He made it worth it... if her son could get a good life and live much better than the average negro then she would be open to dying. Panashe would never consider herself strong, she felt weak and felt as if she had absolutely nothing to offer but her body. If she knew better, as naive as she was when she was younger... she actually thought her opinion mattered and that consent was for both parties. She actually assumed that she had a choice when giving herself to a man... Time had taught her valuable lessons, some painful and some better than others.
—
It was really late in the evening when she was called up to the Mansion. Her son was sleeping soundly, feeling horrible knowing that... if he felt the warmth gone and an empty space... he would wake up. Christian had, already had a hard enough day. She promised herself that she would make sure that tomorrow, he returned back to his safer haven... even if it meant kicking and screaming. He could not be in the environment that she was accustomed to... that of dirt and filth. She thought of calling her mother to check on her little boy while she—
then she remembered that they were not exactly on good terms. Perhaps it was for the best, her mother was very toxic and negative about many things.
"Master William requested that I stay with Christian while you're off." The housekeeper added. For a moment, she wondered what was so important but nevertheless she went there, trying to keep her nerves down.
On the other hand, William had a very serious discussion with his brother who seemed very unapologetic about his deed furthermore, he said some heinous words that had been playing like a broken record ever since they were spat out.
—
"Liam is my son, ofcourse I know that!" Gerald said nonchalantly. "I must apologize for in which things escalated. It was a mistake, I was not thinking straight. Tracy really wanted to please her father and make him proud, the only would be if she tied the knot with a Gallagher, a well off family. You had not much interest in her so she decided that if she got pregnant you would have to own up."
William found it really funny how Tracy had always always managed to get in between him and Panashe. He, ofcourse did not have any sort of relationship with Panashe at the time but there was no denying he wanted her. For many reasons, he told himself it was lust then many years later when he had her. He just could not get enough of her. Every moment they shared, the look she gave him obliviously, her innocence that she portrayed even in her kisses. Scared but willing to learn. She had always been the absolute epitome of beauty and precious. He could never think of any word to fully describe the way she made him feel in those moment. For years and years he replayed the moments they shared together. He could only get off to the thought of her. William wondered how it would have been if he never married and settled for somewhat an anonymous relationship but then again... he was only succumbed to fully being with Panashe when she started working for them.
"I'm sorry, William. I am by far, willingly to take Liam in. Introduce him to my family and—"
"...he is still very angry..." William cut him off quickly. "and broken."
"I hope—"
"No, I do not think... I can forgive you not yet. Not just yet..."
"Given you still have a son." Gerald added.
"That should not be any reason to cheer me up. Why does every single person keep saying that? It only makes me weary because of the time I wasted not being a father to him. Furthermore, he thinks I do not want him. He is content with not having me in his life and he is only six years old. That rips my soul apart!"
"The mother...?" Gerald questioned.
"That's a different story." He sighed not knowing what to say. He was surprised by how they were having this conversation calmly at first all he had wanted was to beat Gerald to a pulp but now it was far from that. This had been the most mature conversation he had ever had with his brother in the history of them ever being siblings.
"I'm afraid, what will people say? They will make a banter of how much of a fool, I am."
"The truth would come out sooner or later... I suppose. No point in hiding it."
"I do not think it is a good idea to separate Liam from Addie ." William added. "I think it's best they both stay here together with mother, before William starts school."
Gerald only nodded, understandingly. It seemed Milton had always been the horrible vile brother not Gerald.
Before leaving, Gerald turned to look back at William who was looking at the balcony that face the field. Gerald was well aware of whom he was thinking off. Many times they had fought for this room because of the view it had, never did he imagine that it was because his brother took a liking to a certain negro.
"William?" Gerald called. William's eyes then flicked from the glass doors to his brother who was holding his straw hat delicately.
"I'm not quite sure if anyone has told you but I think it's only right that I do tell you as we have just had a civil conversation."
"Tell me what?"
"Uhm... it's about the negro girl, I mean Christian's mother."
"What about her?"
"I think it's very important that you know she was... raped... that's if you plan on forcing yourself on her."
William stood stagnant shocked, heartbroken, hurt, angry.. "What do you mean?" he paused thinking the sentence through again. He felt his heart compulsively feel as if it was about to stop. He then chuckled again trying not to think of anything into it. Panashe has only been raped by him and he took full responsibility of the incidence.
"It was only a while back when Christian was only a year old. She had been refusing any proposals and unfortunately they raped her. Four of them, negroes from the commune. She was badly beaten and they spat on her saying she was a white man's porcelain doll... that she was only willing to be a harlot for white men but not men of her kind and that she was a betrayer. Much worse that her child was proof of it. I thought mother would tell you considering how close you both seem, I suppose no one had the heart to. Christian's mother never said anything about it. Infact she continued working as if nothing had happened. That was when Hector told father about the incident, two weeks after it had happened. All I'm saying is... she is far too damaged. I know, it's rich coming from me but... I know you care about her. She is broken."
—
William only felt much more anger when he thought of it. He never ever wanted to hurt her. It was all his fault for leaving and not protecting her. There was a soft knock on the door. He knew it was her. He could not go looking for her in broad daylight, rumors would accumulate from all part of the town. He watched her innocently walking in, he wondered who would want to hurt someone so innocent, kind and—
It just broke him, the thought broke him.
"Mast—"
"Please Panashe..." He said almost immediately. Nothing, made him sicker than having her call him that. It made it known that he was just as horrid as the men who had forcefully taken advantage of her. She kept quiet, there was silence. She felt afraid because of the way he had been looking at her. She found sympathy and guilt in his eyes.
"I'm not sure why you would call me at this time of the night. It must must have been very important, Maste—" she immediately stopped remembering what he had said. Not knowing what else to call him, calling him by his name would just be breaking boundaries that need to be stabilized between them for a better who relationship. The time of the calling only made her assume, he wanted sex and better to get it from than the girl who used to work for you. Sighing she braced herself for a night of displeasure, telling herself... it would be over soon enough. There was no use fighting this, her son still needed her and that's what she strived to do, to be there for him regardless of her discomfort in this life.