Chapter 56: Called it understanding.
"Uh... would you like to take a seat?" William suggested, as if to add onto the awkwardness there was no other place to take a seat on except the bed. It gave a very odd expression, this maybe have led Panashe to continue thinking... that's what he wanted.
"No, thank you. I'd rather you bid why I am here.." She replied softly but her voice held some boldness.
"Well, with so much going on... we never civilly discussed anything regarding our son. What we want for him? The way forward? What would be best for him? What happened in my absence—"
Panashe only sighed.
"You really honestly do not have to feel obligated to play the father role. He is fine."
"But I'd really love for that to happen, I'd be ecstatic. I can not stand being called bloody William any longer."
A smile curved onto her lips for the first time. It was amusing, she found it to be very funny, much funnier when William acted out of annoyance at the innocent name. He found his lips slowing curving just at the sight of her smiling. He did not remember when last he watched her do so. She had many different reactions most made him feel excitement at the pit of his stomach.
"My son will not be a scapegoat for your lack of biological children. If anything, they're still your children whether they carry your blood or not. I have not encountered Liam since his return but he has always been a decent child aside from bullying my son into oblivion. I... not quite sure about your second child but I assume she must be just as old as Christian and still needs you especially with the void of not having a mother.." shaking her head slowly, she added. "You made your decision when you chose you wife and her pregnancy. Christian will not feel a void for the betrayal your wife cost."
"I apologize from the bottom of my heart. What I did, thinking of it only makes me loathe myself into depression. I acted a fool, I acted out of anger. What you have been through... all because of me... Panashe you're so strong."
With her eyes facing the ground and her fingers fumbling. She felt the urge to cry, so many things had happened. Some she tried really hard to not remember. Remembering, the life she took away. She felt so dirty and unworthy even when Master Joshua had told her that it was the right thing to do. If anything Master Joshua should have been happy that she would give birth yet again to another slave who would work around the plantations but no... he was very upset. Upon hearing of her pregnancy, he asked her what she wanted. She only cried not knowing how to reply. Feeling so dirty, she hated herself at that moment. Panashe told Lady Martha and Master Joshua that she did not want it, at all. They helped her get rid of it. Her mother could not wait to remind her constantly that she had committed murder of any innocent child. Her mother was insensitive, constantly bellowing that Panashe needed to cover herself more or that she should not have went outside at night. The toilet was outside, these people had been planning this for a while and regardless they were going to hurt her.
She looked up at him and asked. "What do you want from me?"
He looked right back at her, feeling oddly unsure what to say without upsetting her or making her uncomfortable. "We deserve a chance..." he muttered.
"You constantly want to ruin my life. It's as if you get pleasure out of this. Do not promise me anything. I do not want anything from you or with you. You make it sound as if it would be socially acceptable for us to be together. Stop dreaming. This isn't some fantasy of yours... this is real life, my life and Christian needs me. Look for a white lady or wait for Tracy to get better. It's best we move past the things we once did. I do not want anything out of this."
"But things are changing and I do not want anyone but you and my son."
"Do you even listen to the things I say or you just wait to reply... you're tiring, you tire me. You should have never returned!"
This hurt.
"Fine, I'm truly sorry." He said softly watching her movements. Every time he moved his arm to run it through his hair... she flinched and took a step back as if scared that he would lay a hand on her.
"What do you want Panashe?" He realized he had never asked for what she wanted it was always about what he wanted and nothing more or less. He just wanted to know what she wanted. What were her hearts desires. At the same time, he could not ask her what had happened in his absence. It felt as if it was it was all his fault and it was. He felt as if e had not been there to protect her. He had tainted her and made other negroes treat her differently. There was nothing more hurtful by being treated horribly by the people who're suppose to understand your struggle. Understand your grievances.
"I... want Christian to have a better life. I want him to make something out of himself, something better than this. I want him off this plantation and it's toxicity. As much as it would hurt me, it's best he goes off to boarding school. I do not want him to witness the inhumane things that happen here. That's all... I just want my son to prosper and be better than this. Nothing will make me happier!"
"Ofcourse." William said understandingly. "I wish the same for him but what do you want?"
The question made her feel a little queasy being thrown back at her again. It was simple yet so hard. What did she want? She had not wanted anything of herself for a long time. She could not think of anything, if she did... her mind would remind her that it was unrealistic. Would she ever be her own person and have personal life experience. There was something she always envied about Lady Tracy. She had a beautiful home, she had the freedom to go out without reporting to anyone. She had the freedom to dress well, overdress and feel good. She had so much freedom. She envied freedom. Panashe felt like a donkey that was always tied next to a stable. The only time, she had ever truly been out of town was when she would accompany Lady Tracy to the market. It amazed her seeing all these people freely roaming around and going about their day. It must have a been a liberating feeling to be your own person without a price tag. With knowledge that no one can sell you off because you have human rights. It must have been nice... she always thought if she was a white woman her rapists would have been out to death by law but she wasn't and it did not add any significance. She would never know what Master Joshua did to them. As long as she never saw them again, then she would be fine. There was a dream that constantly replayed over and over again. The dream replayed the incident that happened that night. It was torture and sometimes as much as she needed sleep she forced herself to stay awake fearing it would come back to haunt her again.
"This is ridiculous, may I please take my leave..." she said with clear frustration.
"Before you do... I wanted to ask if maybe we can finally tell Christian who I am?"
"That is a bad idea." She said immediately.
"Why not?"
"He is still so confused with many different things such as what is he? What race does he fall under... I can tell it bothers him because he does not see anyone like him around. He does not need anymore of that..."
"I understand but if he saw me then maybe he would understand the reason why he is the way he is.."
"He will just ask more questions that I am not ready for."
"When will you be ready for those questions then?"
"I do not know. I don't. It's not as if I expected you to ever return and cause havoc in our lives as always!"
"I'm trying—"
"You do not have to. You need to focus on your kids and not make them feel left out so much that they hate my son and only want to torment him."
"I spoke to Liam and he agreed to apologize. Christian never came by today so he did not get the chance."
"Well thank you for talking to him."
There was awkward silence.
"Is there anything else that happened in my absence...?" He questioned, carefully eyeing her reaction. She did not even have one, only a shrug.
"Not at all."
"Oh alright, are you sure?"
"I already answered your question. May I please leave...?"
He turned to reach for her hand, softly caressing it. Trying to calm her but she immediately pulled her hand out of instinct. Putting a distance between them. Her eyes glittering with tears almost immediately. "If you're going to force yourself on me just say so instead of violently trying to do so."
"That's not—"
"No." She muttered. "Don't touch me. I do not want to be touched. Do not lay your hands on me just do not." She cried, the dam had finally broke. William tried to come close but she only backed away from fear. Until he decided that he would stay in his place, watching her cry helplessly without being able to comfort her or hold her made his heart whimper.
"...I just want to hold you, nothing more... I promise."
"N-no... just stay away from me. I'd like to leave." She cried.
"I can not let you go when you're emotionally vulnerable." He told her. She facepalmed as the tears continued, sobbing and sniffing from time to time. "Please trust me..?" He added reaching out for her hand. Hesitantly, she did not fight it. He gently pulled her into his arms as she cried on his chest. She could only whisper... "This does not mean anything, I will never be with you."
He understood that, he respected her decision. He did not mind never having her as his, as long as she was happy. It was fine, even as the stranger who had made her pregnant. She found comfort in his arms that she had not known she needed. "This does not mean anything." She repeated.
He replied. "I know and it's alright with me."