Chapter 69: Called it mixed emotions.
The lustful gaze of need between them was binding. Her hand caressed his bare chest admiring how beautifully sculpted it felt and looked. Panashe was caught in between cowardice and longing. She wanted William but she was scared. She was afraid... she constantly had to remind herself that he was the same person whom she loved—
'Raped you too.' Her subconscious joined.
—
This had been the first time, a man had ever seen me in nothing but my nakedness. It had also been the first time, I had ever seen a man naked. Terrified, was a feeling close to home. He didn't touch me anywhere else. He tried putting it in but I flinched.. he told me to be quiet. He tried pushing it in but it just wouldn't get in.
He spat on his hands multiple times. I didn't understand what he was doing. After spitting on his hand, he jerked it off on that thing... I was scared stiff. Looking at it made me very uncomfortable. It made me nauseous... especially when it released bits of colorless substance here and there.
After covering it in spit, he didn't waste time. He pushed it in and I screamed but he quickly put his hand on my mouth. I felt as if something had been broken in between. Tears flooded my eyes. I felt, something trickle in between my thighs. It was blood..
"Bloody hell, you're a virgin."
I didn't know how to respond to that.
"I just assumed since you lived at the commune, some must have already had their way with you. I know how my brothers and my father can be..."
I did not understand why he was even speaking to me. It had been done already. I was also afraid, I didn't want to say a word.
"To hell with it, you feel so good. I haven't felt like this in so long. Try not to make noise, are we clear?"
I nodded.
And that was how he continued to pleasure himself while I cried from pain. He did not take it easy on me not on that day, not on the next day.. with bloody thighs. I wore my clothes. He yelled at me for the mess at which I cleaned after that. I ran home... I did not care that I had to cook supper or that Liam was left alone.. I ran home to my mother.
—
Her anxiety shot up at the memory, tears seemed to want to flood her eyes. Would she ever get over this..? She thought to herself. William was a good man and she was well aware of that but the thought of invariably being taken advantage of crosses her mind and thrived more than her need for him. William's touch suddenly seemed foreign as the nightmare of memories flooded her thoughts. Having him hover above her was not as pleasurable anymore. The thought of the pain he had put her through... the thought of... the pain they had put her through. She would never want anyone to go through what she had. Not with William or—
It was always much easier to forget about it when he was the only man she had ever been with. It was with much resentment to try and get over the scenes that re-played in her head. She did not feel good enough... not for William. She wondered why would he want her knowing that she was not the same innocent girl that he knew six years ago. The thought of it made her eyes want to water. She needed to be alone. She could not go through with this. Panashe thought she could. Hector had convinced her that she couldn't but no, she was a coward. At this moment, she felt content with being alone. Love was never a priority so was fornication. She felt stupid for having begged William for this... but here she was disappointing as always. That had clearly been her lust speaking for her. She only felt vulnerable in front of him. Maybe this was not a good idea. Fear, made her skin have goosebumps.
William is a good man. She tried to convince herself to calm down. Everytime she did, memories of him treating her questionably seemed to coeval.
"Master William—" She said without thinking. "I meant to say... Will.." saying his name felt so wrong. Calling him Master only restored the fear that she had always had for him. It only re-installed the abhorrence, she once felt for him. Her voice on the verge of cracking. "May I—"
William said baffled, confused. Why would she call him that? Why would she ask for permission? He would not move off her until he got answers. They had not even done anything explicit except... the feel of their naked skin against each other. "Did I?"
She quickly shook her head, avoiding his concerned gaze.
What was supposed to bring her pleasure only made her heart hammer with fear. The feel of his erect manhood... repelled her. Knowing how much harm than good it had once done. How she had to cry herself to sleep because of the emotional abuse and physical abuse, he once caused. She clearly had not gotten over her demons.
"What's the matter?" He asked softly, as soon as he caressed her cheek she flinched. That's when he realized that she was a rattled by his touch and petrified. He was confused because not so long ago, she had consented to him pleasuring her and going through with it.
"I..." Her words hung, mid-air. "I'm fine." She said looking aside, a memory crossed his mind. She always always looked aside when he... the thought of it broke him. It was something that he never wanted to think of or be reminded of.
"What's the matter love?" He asked once more, concerned clear in his blue orbs.
Panashe shivered, the fear of never wanting disappoint him sneaked back in. The feeling of always wanting to please him... found abode within her. "Nothing... I, was merely afraid of—" William could feel her heart hammer, it was not out of love or adoration... it was fear. "Afraid of getting pregnant!" She whispered after finding a good enough lie. "I was thinking for us both... getting pregnant would not be good... Mas—" she stammered upon her words. A slip of the tongue and fear made a horrid combination. Constantly making her give him the same respect that she use to as his maid. It did not go unnoticed by William. Odd, that she would think that he would not want another child with her. It was as if they had been taken back to that place, that place of vulnerability, lust, timid and fear of doing what they had already done? Have a mixed child. That place where their only fear was his father, Tracy and what everyone else would say.
"Mas— oh goodness." She murmured the last part to herself. The fear that radiated off her tortured him. She seemed even afraid to speak... to him. How had they lived like this before? Could she be going through an episode? Considering she had been perfectly fine some time back. "I, Please just do it." She finally said, relaxing back onto the bed.
Appalled, William questioned. "Do what? Take advantage of you? No, I will not."
Panashe only swallowed. To William, it sounded as if she was yet again the many times. She merely wanted him to get it over and done with. He was perplexed. She was begging him to take advantage of her even though it seemed she was by far uncomfortable with it. This was what he once to put her through each and every night? She was fine with it? She had found her peace in just letting it be for his pleasure not even considering her own feelings. She was fine with being taken advantage of? The sooner it started the sooner it would be over? Was that what she meant to say. William only felt disgusted with himself. It was clear... he had broken her before anyone else and they? They, they had simply made it worse.
"I'm sorry..." He caressed her softly making her look at him even though she did not want to. "I am so sorry..." William broke into tears, almost immediately getting off inbetween her, he laid beside her. Seeing, hearing him weak, William crying relentlessly must have broke something within her. She turned over to comfort him with her own tears. "I n-never want to hurt you..." He hiccuped, his blue orbs glowed with hurt and despair. Oddly William crying brought her comfort and maybe just maybe his tears healed the wounds that he had caused. The wounds that had never healed. Knowing how sincere he was at this moment, the rawness of his apologies. It was not William standing in the rain asking for her forgiveness... this was William vulnerable and allowing her to see him in the most unqualified truth. This wasn't William constantly dominating and being in control... this was William open and in despair. As they both silently cried, their lips hovered each other. Panashe ran her hand through his blonde locks feeling at ease he pulled her close. It was not calculated thoughts.
With wet cheeks, William seemed flushed and weak in his most vulnerable state. She laid her lips on his. Tasting the salty tears that she had caused. Nevertheless not feeling forced or afraid she sealed it with a soft somber chaste kiss. He didn't respond... feeling overwhelmed.
No words had to be said as they stared at each other's gaze uninterrupted. This time they hungrily went for each other's lips. Passion strung up again. With every touch and kiss they felt everything they could not say with words. She kissed him with need, telling him it's okay. He kissed her back with guilt saying no it's not but I'm too weak to turn away from what you're doing to me. I'm too much of a coward to pull away, you have me on a tight leash... I hope you know that. You can string me along like a fool. Both breathing hard, with swollen lips from their ache and fight with no words released except tongues colliding.
He allowed her to be in control. She needed to feel in control. She was in control. He knew that for her to get over her fear, she needed to take back the power that had been taken away from her. She had to feel in control and not helpless under a strong willed man who was having his way with her. She had, had enough of that. Not breaking away from his lips. She pinned William against the bed, their fingers intwined. His manhood laid back on his bare stomach. She rubbed her bare vulva against it. Giving both of them pleasure. Breathing hard, they kissed as if never stopping their ongoing fight for dominance. He was not fighting for dominance, he just needed her to get it. If he wanted to, he would have flipped them over and swiftly pinned her on the bed, relentlessly plunging in her warmth and made her cry but he did not want that. He had done that too many times, it actually made him sick. He let her lead the way...
"Oh, God!" She moaned, out of breath. Her thighs spasmed against his erect manhood. Wrapping his arms around her waist, she let out a sigh... he was amazed by how she had orgasmed from just rubbing her bare self against him. If anything, it only made him libidinous. For some seconds they laid in the same position, she straddled over him breathing hard. He was hot to trot with need but he would never force her into anything. She then raised her head from his chest and laid a chaste kiss on his lips. A smile seemed to creep in... how had this gone from south to out of space. Not giving him a chance to speak she held his manhood up and slowly slid down covering him with her previous cum and need. He closed his eyes, not being able to fathom what she was doing to him. No words needed to be said. She felt him throb inside her, she felt him stretch her vulva lips to the point where it hurt but it hurt really good. Laying her hands on his chest, he watched her with admiration. He could never get over how mesmerizing she was. Her pretty brown eyes rolled back as she slid up to his tip only to slam back down until they could feel both their pelvis bones against each other. She moved her hips in a torturous manner. His hands exploded over her every meander. He wanted to tell her how much he missed her, how much this means to him, how much he hates that he hurt her but she sealed it with a kiss. As they moved slow and in synch with his hands on her hips helping her moving up and down. Letting out hopeless breathy sighs in-between their kisses. The wetness and liquid between them showed the need they had for each other. Panashe moved her hips so seductively that he forgot that he had once taught her that. His grunts and moans only ended between their lips. Her breasts pressed against his chest, the hard buds of his nipples did things to him. He wanted to voice out that he would cum if she continued bouncing on his girth but she wouldn't let him. He wanted to voice out so much but she wouldn't allow him to. From below her gave multiple thrusts that made her tighten around him, her thighs shook from her second orgasm. She was so sensitive perhaps because it had years, she really wanted this.... she loved him. Knowing his orgasm was close, he pulled out. She let him as she moved her upper body to his rigid stomach.
Holding his already moist girth, Panashe's lips on his, he used his hand to jerk off his length. Two or three times before a string of white substance shot up. He closed his eyes enjoying the feel of it all, his orgasm and Panashe's lips. He made sure not to cum anywhere near her warmth inbetween. This time he would only impregnate her with her consent.
Both exhausted.
They cuddled for a little bit before Panashe changed the sheets and they decided showering at 2am would be too much. They slept it off, not speaking about what had just happened. When William thought Panashe was asleep as he replayed the things that they had done. He laid a chaste kiss on her temple and whispered 'I love you, with.." he sighed. "my life."
"I know..." she replied blinking her eyes open which instantly surprised him. She snuggled close to his chest. "Thank you." She said softly. "For helping me get over it and—"
"It's okay, I'd cry just to prove how sorry I am and how much I love you."
They kissed again before he whispered. "Now get some sleep, Mrs Gallagher. Having something this big inside you must have exhausted you."
Clearly joking, Panashe replied. "I know, it reminded me of childbirth."
"Just preparing you for later on." He chuckled kissing her sides which only made her giggle.
"William stop, I need to get some sleep."
"Fine." He pretended to be chaffed, but a smile was visible at the corner of his lips.