Brendan is the father.
It doesn’t make sense. Then it makes a lot of sense. The universe must loathe my being. I shouldn’t exist.
There is a tiny birthmark at the base of my neck, right on my scar. I forget about it all the time. Some people believe the placement of your birthmark tells the story of how you were killed in your former life. I must have been stabbed in the neck in my past life. I must have been a bigger asshole than I currently am so they decided sending me off in grand style was the only way to do it. Even in this current life, the universe is still punishing me.
When will I ever catch a break?
I shouldn’t have opened the diary. I should have listened to my guts. Waited till I was home to read it.
A soft hand weaves into my hair, I bring Bren’s palm to my lips and place a kiss on the heel of her palms. She smiles. Will she still smile if she finds out Daddy is a brother killer? Will she let me hold her hand? Or carry her when she has a nightmare? When they ask about her role models, will she call out my name?
The words I should say to her lodge in my throat. I stare at the ugly crocs I am putting on. Why only me?
Haven’t I been punished enough? Maybe I wasn’t the best child growing up but I have paid my dues and then some. Brendan is resting peacefully in his grave, even Nicole. Why me? Well, it doesn’t matter.
This is what I am. It is what I will always be. A brother killer.
Bren groans. I smile sadly at her. “Hey, Princess.”
At least she’s one hundred percent mine. She gives my hand a squeeze, I look up to her and try to smile.
“Are you sad, Daddy?” I nod. But for all the wrong reasons. Her face scrunches as she tries to sit up but I place a hand on her shoulder. She threads her fingers through my beards. “Don’t be sad, Daddy. I’m okay.”
Tears sting the corners of my eyes, I whisper into her palm, “You are okay, Princess.”
Her head bobs, she tries to roll to her side but my hands reach out to steady her. She is restless. A stern frown from me has Bren pouting but she stays put. She swipes her other hand with a tiny tube attached to it across her nose and my heart crashes against my ribcage. My chest tightens. I take slow breaths.
She is okay. Bren is okay.
“Where’s my sister?” she asks. Her cheeks have regained colour, I poke them. “I want to go home.”
“Soon. Very soon.”
A peck to her forehead reassures Bren, her head rolls to the other side and I smoothen the cover over her legs. Joshua smiles at me from his position on the couch. His jacket is off to reveal the cow head on his grey polo. Will he still love me if he finds out I did it all for nothing? Will Mother hate me or herself?
Joshua sighs. I join him on the couch once Bren falls asleep. He throws an arm over the couch, we look out the window to the spot El’s car occupied. There are other cars under the tent but her spot is empty.
“You let her in,” I say. My breath creates moisture on the window. He tilts his head a little but his gaze remains outside. “I told you I didn’t want her here.” Nobody ever listens to me, yet they wonder why I am this way. I press my forehead to the window. “You went behind my back. Against my instruction.”
My hands tremble. He stares at me for a second and pushes his foot down. His arm hangs mid-air as he contemplates touching me. In the end, he lowers his hand to his knee. He shifts closer so our feet touch.
“Bren wanted to see her mother,” he whispers.
Tears rush to my eyes. The words I read in the diary come back to haunt me. They float around me, heavy enough to suffocate me. Everything trickles in at once. The night I was drunk. She drugged me.
A sob catches in my throat. Tears blur my vision and my head hangs between my shoulders. Memories from ten years ago replay in my mind like a movie on slow motion. I thought we were friends.
What kind of person drugs their close friend and takes them to bed? The blood stain wasn’t even her hymen tearing.
It was blood from a self-inflicted injury she used on the sheet while I slept like a fool. Her first time was with Brendan. She could have sworn on her life it was me. He was a real gentleman that night. Kissed her in all the right places. That should have rang a bell. I never kiss. But she chose to believe her fantasy.
And he made love to her. She convinced herself I was a changed man until we met in school. I wouldn’t even let her peck me. PDA was not my thing. More so with someone I had no interest in. It didn’t take long for her to find out I had an identical twin. She was mad I kept that info from her. Felt betrayed. I know this because I read the bloody diary.
That day she confronted me about Brendan, she was smiling. She laughed when I confirmed her suspicions.
How was I supposed to know she slept with the wrong brother? That too, without protection. Brendan didn’t want a child. He would ruin her life if she dared mention it to anyone. I have always prided myself on being such an asshole but I guess that is a lie. Nicole takes the crown. Both of them fooled me.
Brianna will be fifteen in a few days and she is not even my child. I killed him for what?
I didn’t finish reading the fucking diary. I couldn’t. I probably will never continue that shit. Even in her grave, she’s still ruining my life. I am a murderer.
Why didn’t she listen to me for once? Is it something peculiar to females? El didn’t listen to me either.
Joshua places a hand on my shoulder at my prolonged silence. I shrug it off. “Don’t fucking touch me,” I murmur without looking up. My voice is hoarse, I clear my throat to speak but it’s no use. The tears crawl down my cheeks to the tiles reflecting the fluorescent bulb. “Bren is here because of her mother.”
“It was an accident.”
When Brendan insisted on that road trip with Brianna, did he know she was his daughter? When he made her call him Daddy on tape, was that him being his usual prickly self? It was an accident, he also said. Somehow, he came out unscathed. She’s not even my princess. She belongs to that fucking devil.
He must be rolling in his grave right now. Laughing at me from the darkest pits of hell.
“Brandon, what’s going on?” Joshua is careful not to touch me. My heart aches as I sit up. I stare straight ahead to the bed where my real princess is asleep. I can’t let my sins ruin their lives. “Are you okay?”
I shake my head slowly and wipe my sweaty palms on my sweatpants. “No. I can never be okay.”
It’s their fault.
El’s fault.
Nicole’s fault.
Brendan’s fault.
My parent’s fault.
If they didn’t pit us against each other, Brendan wouldn’t have felt the need to go that far. If Nicole listened to me, Brianna wouldn’t exist. If El didn’t leave, Vincent would never have gotten close to her to get that video. But it’s okay. I can fix this now and make it all go away. I will give her complete freedom to live the life she has always wanted.
“Brandon... You are scaring me.”
He should be scared. Not for his sake but his friend.
I jump to my feet. Joshua is beside me in seconds. His voice sounds far when he says, “Brandon.”
He pokes my shoulder, I stare at that part of him connecting to my body, then back at his face. His hand falls to his side. Dr Ruth walks into the room that moment, she spares us a glance and proceeds to Bren.
Dr Ruth says a lot of things but I am no longer listening. I watch them discuss my princess. My hands close around the metal of the bed and my knuckles turn white from clenching the bars tight. Joshua’s smile is the only thing that reassures me. He gives Bren’s hand a little squeeze as Dr Ruth exits the room.
“Bren will be fine, we can take her home tomorrow,” Joshua says as if he knows I didn’t hear a word. I nod. My princess will be okay. He bumps my shoulder playfully, then sinks into the bench by Bren’s bed. “What’s up with you? You are awfully quiet.” I arch a brow and he punches my leg gently. “What’s up?”
I stand beside the bed for a few minutes, looking down on him without the faintest clue how to tell him I want to divorce my wife. My hands slide into my back pockets and my fingers caress the divorce papers.
It lends me courage to say, “I need to take care of something.” My gaze wanders to that spot. El’s car is still not there. She has to be at the mansion or the office, my bet is on the mansion. “I won’t be long.”
Joshua stalks towards me. “Right now?” I don’t look his way but my head bobs. “It can’t wait?”
I take my first step backward. “It’s urgent.”