The family lawyer is talking too much. I swear I want to punch him. Everyone talks too much these days when all I want is peace and quiet. Some time alone with my girls. I can listen to them blabber all day.
I push the divorce letters across to him, he shakes his head. “Expired. They don’t count anymore.”
Oh. I roll the letters and shove them into my pocket. El doesn’t have to know. Lamar drops his briefcase on the table and pulls out a file. I wave off the waitress who approaches us and my hands close around the mug of coffee I ordered earlier. Steam escapes the mug, I inhale and take a greedy sip of the coffee.
“What now?” I ask him.
Lamar pushes his sunglasses into his hair and tucks his pen in the middle of his notepad. “A redraft if you still want to go ahead.” He folds his hands on the table, his eyes scroll over my body. “The court can be avoided.” Writing on his pad for a minute, he rips out a sheet. There is a name and phone number in red ink. “Ify is a trained mediator. She will help you decide how to separate your finances, handle the kids.”
I crumple the paper and slide it into my pocket. “I’ll give her a call.”
The pale-skinned man adjusts his tie and nods. He stands. I drop a few pound notes on the table and we walk out together. He stops beside my car, my hand wraps around the handle but I don’t open the door.
His elbow touches the hood of the car, we stand side by side, looking into the distance. “It is usually a long process, Mr Stark.” He turns to me with furrowed brows. “Ify can help both of you. If both parties cooperate, it will not get to the court.”
Then, she will have to cooperate. On my way here, I spent time browsing the internet for the impact of messy divorce on kids the twins age. If she cares about them, she will let me take them without a fight.
“We will try to avoid the court,” I hear myself say.
Lamar pats my shoulder and takes his leave. I stare at the Benz that drives to a stop beside mine. A man is at the wheel. He walks around to his wife’s side to open her door. She tells him something that puts a calm look on his face. When she laughs, he laughs. They walk hand in hand to the entrance of the diner.
They look happy. I looked happy with El too but I’ve learnt. They will also learn. Love is not enough.
Inside the car, I can barely move. The nerves are worse than it was when El called to inform me about Bren. I adjust the rearview mirror to give myself a pep talk. My eyes are tired like I have barely slept a wink. I yawn again. I have to do it today. Once I leave the hospital with Bren, we can begin our new life. Daddy and his little girls. The beginning, middle and end I couldn’t have with El, I can have it with them.
The car starts. Luckily, I get to the mansion in one piece. The gate slides open, my heart beats erratically. El’s car is in front of the fountain. I park behind it and take a few minutes to compose myself. She was with T. She wants T. If I forgive this, the next time, it might be Wyn. Who’s to say she will survive it?
I might not be lucky a third time.
A shudder ripples through me at the thought. I won’t let that happen. The nerves creep up on me again, a shiver runs down my back. I think I’m scared. My steps are slow and unhurried, I push the door of the mansion and it opens. It takes some seconds for my eyes to adjust to the darkness and I stop at the foot of the stairs.
The girls room is upstairs. I will get their things, then inform El about the meeting with Lamar. We can see Ify after we decide on a date. I push one step in front of the other until I am in front of their room.
Now or never.
The door is unlocked. I slip in without a sound. My pulse quickens at the figure inside. El is on Bren’s bed cuddling her pillow. Her hair is all over her face and my pretty locomotive engine is snoring slightly. She whimpers in her sleep. My nails dig into my palm and I focus on the pain instead of the urge to run to El.
Light slithers in through the cracks of the curtain. I tiptoe to the wardrobe and bring out their box sets. I don’t bother unhooking the clothes from the hanger, just shove them into the boxes to avoid waking El.
“Brandon?” I squeeze my eyes shut. So much for working quietly. I fold a floral gown into the luggage box. El sits up and the pillow drops to her feet. A yawn escapes her. She stretches. “Baby? Is that you?”
My heart clenches so hard I suck in a sharp breath. She will make this hard. A switch goes off, the ceiling lights flood the room. I step away from the wardrobe. I can’t even look her in the face. “Yeah. Brandon.”
I have barely finished talking when she throws herself on me. The suddenness of the hug sends both of us staggering backward. Her arms lock around my waist as she sobs into my chest and my chest tightens.
“I’m sorry. I only took my eyes off them for a moment.” Her shoulders vibrate and my chest closes in on me. I pat her back awkwardly. She smells good. When she pulls away, her lashes are wet with tears and snot runs down her nose. El tries to palm my face but I don’t give her the chance. “Brandon. I’m sorry.”
Hurt flashes across her face. Her tone breaks my heart but I am doing this for us. We can’t be in each other’s lives anymore. It hurts too much. Gently, I lower her hands. She doesn’t struggle, doesn’t resist.
“El...” She looks up to me with anticipation, I am grateful for the wall behind me as I lean on it for moral and emotional support. I hold the expired divorce papers above her head. “I can’t do this anymore, El.”
Her eyes fall on the papers in my hand, she steps an inch back. “You can’t do what anymore?”
Fat tears roll out of El’s eyes, she chews on her lips until they draw blood. I want to capture those lips with mine but I also want this pain to end. Ava once said it’s okay to be selfish. I’ll take her advice today.
“What...” Her tone falters, she puts a hand in front of her as if to touch me. “...are you talking about?”
“I spoke to Lamar today,” I reply, waving the paper. Her eyes widen, she gulps hard. “He thinks we can get a divorce without the court.” Her hand goes over her mouth to muffle her cries. “I agree with him, El. We don’t want anything that will negatively affect the girls, am I right?” She shakes her head. “Elna.”
El snatches the paper and rips it into shreds. Stomping on the pieces, she says, “I don’t want a divorce.”
Fire burns in her eyes. I would have killed to see this emotion when I begged her to stay with me. I run a hand through my hair, tugging on it from the roots. Her hands reach for me but I duck out of her grasp.
Those brown eyes stare sadly at me. She closes the gap, leaving no room for my escape. “I know I fucked up, Brandon.” Big time. And all that’s left of my heart is pieces I need to work harder to protect. “But we can fix this.” Her eyes plead for a reconsideration. “I don’t want a divorce. I know you don’t want it either.”
What I want is for her to back away from me so I can think straight and for myself. What I want is an end to this constant cycle of pain and insecurities.
“It’s not about what you want anymore, El. It’s about me.”
Shock registers on her face. She raises her hands, lowers them, then sinks them into her hair.
“Brandon...” I expel a soft breath at her voice. She clings to my shirt. “Please, we don’t need a divorce.”
Wrong. I tuck a piece of hair behind her ear, caress her cheek with a knuckle. I don’t want to be around her the next time she loses her temper and ends up spewing words she might not mean. I am just tired.
“You don’t love me again,” she whispers. Now, she sounds exactly like Wyn. I smile. “You hate me.”
Hate is a word that doesn’t exist in the same dictionary as her. I might get upset but I can’t hate her.
“I don’t think I can ever stop loving you, El.” It doesn’t matter what I tell myself in her absence. She is my soulmate. I will never stop loving her, even if we will be miles apart. My hand drops, she brings it back to cup her face. I don’t fight her. It’s our last body contact so I let her enjoy the moment. The sparks. I want it too. I love her touch. I love her. “That’s why I’m letting you go. I’ll take the kids, you can go be with T.”
She drops my hand like a hot potato, crying harder into her palms. Her tears rip me inside out but I am not finished. There is a lot inside me that needs to be spoken. The mean words she ever threw my way, I vomit them. “He’s not a monster, El. He didn’t kill his brother. He is a better person than I will ever be.”
El’s palms slowly lower, remorse soaks her gaze. “Brandon. I...” She’s doing it again. She’s not listening.
“Can you listen to me for once?” I say. She jumps back at my tone. A hint of fear dashes across her face. That is what I mean. El will always be scared of me. I don’t need that. Her fear will suffocate us. “I want full custody of the girls.” She gasps. I raise one finger. I don’t want her to argue. I don’t want us to fight. “Just think about it, okay? You get to be with T, I get my girls. No more distractions when he is around.”
“It was an accident,” El cries out. The tears have stopped. “They are no distractions, it was an accident.”
I shrug. “Maybe.”
“Maybe?” she bellows. Mouth open, she pokes her chest. “You think I’ll deliberately hurt our girls? Are you insane?” I might be. This back and forth is giving me a whiplash. “How can you even say that to me?”
Again. She’s making this about herself. This is more than both of us. But I don’t care to remind her. I fold my arms on my chest while she waits for my reply. Wiping her nose with her oversized sleeve, she says, “If you want a divorce, fine.” She meets my steel gaze. “But you are not taking my girls away from me.”
I sigh. This will be messy. “We will let the judge decide that.” Her silence as she processes my words irks me. I back away from the wall and she steps back. “Full custody, Elna. I want full custody of my girls.”
Emotions skitter across her face. The switch from remorse to shock to anger is impressive. Pushing past me without a word, she stomps to the luggage and starts hanging the clothes in the wardrobe. A feeling of déjà vu sweeps over me. Only that the last time this happened, harsher words were thrown around.
She finishes with Wyn’s box and moves over to Bren’s. I sigh again. She’s too stubborn. “Elna, stop it.”
But she doesn’t. She continues unpacking and my restraint snaps. I yank the suitcase from her and a pile of clothes drop to the floor. Her fury matches mine, El grabs the other end and pulls. “Let go, Brandon.”
And I do. I let go of everything and my self-control evaporates. All I have ever done is try to be a better version of myself for this fucking selfish woman. “Everything that’s going wrong in my life right now is because of you.” My voice hardens. “For once in your life, think about someone else but yourself, Elna.”
Fresh tears spring to her eyes and the box clatters to her feet. She breaks. The walls she put up earlier crumbles and I realise I should never have said that. It’s her thing to hurt people with words, not mine.
“You win.” El staggers to the bed and lowers herself on it. My heart skips. I have never seen anyone look so sad. Knowing I put that look in there hurts more than I care to admit. I am hurting her. I am hurting us. But the pain will go away soon. We will be more hurt if we stay together. “Send my love to them.”
El doesn’t spare me a glance. I don’t bother with the boxes or the clothes on the floor. They will get new ones. New life; new beginnings. Coming here was a big mistake, I could have emailed or texted her.
“I will.”