Chapter Thirty - Two
Shirley and I arrived at school together again. I hardly slept last night. Shirley's revelation about the whole thing kept me awake. My mind kept reeling back to our conversation. Everything she had told me about him. The truth he hid from me, how he lied to me. It was all too much. Too much for me to comprehend everything at the same time. It was the reason why I was feeling a little sleepy and tired.
"Did you decide yet? You know that can't delay the decision anymore." Shirley brought me back from my hazy thoughts. I glanced ahead as we walked.
Currently, we were walking to our first class of the day. It felt surreal that Shirley was walking beside me.
Sighing, I whispered. "I know."
Anyway, pondering over Shirley's question, I thought about what I wanted to do. Getting an abortion or just keeping it. It. I don't even know if it is a boy or a girl.
Shirley shook her head at me disapprovingly. "When are you going to decide? Time is running out for you." Shirley asked me. I bit my lip and thought about it. She was right. Time was running out. But everything was going so fast that ... I shook my head.
"I will decide by the end of the night today." I told Shirley. Resolve getting stronger in me, as I dwelt on this matter again and again. I had to decide. No matter how chaotic my life was getting. It was not a matter that I could just merely ignore like nothing. This decision would change my life once and for all.
A hand squeezed my shoulder. "I'm sorry if you think that I am putting pressure on you to make a decision soon, but it is for your own good. If you did not decide in time then the option to terminate this pregnancy would go out of the question." She told me. Her compassion made my heart warm. Tears filled my eyes as I realised that there was only one person who cared about my well being. And she was right beside me.
Guilt rushed in me. Thinking all the time I doubted her and thought that there was some malicious intention behind her care.
I squeezed Shirley's hand on my shoulder, feeling so grateful that words could not even describe it. I nodded my head in answer. "I understand." I replied. I got where she was coming from. One person could only terminate their pregnancy under a certain time. If it gets crossed then the operation of termination could be fatal and even life-threatening to the person birthing and the baby itself.
It was so unfair. Why did only women have to go through with it? Why?
Finally, we reached our class and walked inside to take our seats. From the corner of my eyes, I noticed Blake aka the bully, was smiling at me with maliciousness. His whole face was twisted with a mean smile. As if he knew something that I did not. Or maybe he was just being his usual self. So, I ignored him. Blake being Blake, he could be thinking about what trick he next wanted to pull on me. Or maybe something else. Mostly because he did not bully me for a long time and now he was getting restless. One thing that did surprise me though was him attending this class for the second time in a row. It was not like him.
Still, I just shrugged and thought off about it. That idiot could do whatever he wanted to. He comes and goes as he pleases, so it was not unusual behaviour for him. It was standard practice for him. The last time I saw him before yesterday was at the party.
Taking out the books from my bag, I pushed my mind away from him. Soon, after Shirley and I both settled down in our seats, our teacher arrived. Our whole class greeted him and as always he went on to pull out a book from which he was going to teach us. I took out a pen and notebook. Today, I wanted to pay attention in class. I needed to get back on track. I had been neglecting my studies for a very long time. Recognising this was the only time when I got to study, I wanted to focus on it. And so I began.
In the middle of the class, I found myself zoning out of the class. I tried so hard to keep my mind on the lecture but I could not focus, yet again. Instead, I found myself thinking about Shirley's question from earlier. "Do I want to keep the baby?"
"Do I?" I asked inside my head. If I wanted to keep the baby then how would I raise it? How would I raise it on my own? How would I get something to eat? How would I pay for all the necessities? I knew that kids were expensive but that was not it. Will I be able to raise this kid without a father? Will this kid hate me if I raise it alone? Where would I live? Because my parents would not accept it, that's for sure. Then where? What would I do to earn some money? I had never done a job before.
Shirley was right, I should have gone with her to work when I had the chance. At least then I would have had some experience but now?
On the other hand, I thought about the abortion of this baby. Murdering my kid. "Would I be able to murder my own baby?" I questioned in my head. "Seriously. Would I?" Would I be able to survive with the fact that I had murdered my own kid? Will I be able to live with it? No. Certainly not. But did I have any other option?
My family won't accept it. Neither would any guy. How will I be able to raise this kid on my own? How would I go through school if I was pregnant? And even if I did manage to do something about it then what would happen to my career?
I closed my eyes tightly and tried to pick one of these two choices. Neither was pleasant. Neither was acceptable. But, I had to choose one. Both of these choices would leave a long-lasting scar on me. I would be traumatised throughout my life. And yet, I had to choose one of them. And I had to be rational. I shook my head when I suddenly opened my eyes.
"I will abort this pregnancy." I whispered to myself.
This decision was made. I would not back down from this now. It was for the best. Letting out an exhale, I slumped in my seat. Now, I just needed to tell Shirley.
*Boom.
The door of our classroom banged open and in walked my brother Ergor.
"Where the bloody hell is this bitch Viri?" His voice boomed across the room. Slamming my heart into my chest. He scanned the premises.
His eyes found mine.