Chapter 30

Chapter 30

Goodbye

"She's in comatose as of this moment." I can feel my world stopped the moment that Dr. Martin, the head of my mafia's hospital, stated my wife's condition. Ni hindi ko magawang makapagsalita matapos ang ilang minuto nang sabihin niya iyon.

Six hours of operation was done before the doctor can state Ella's condition. It was six hours of suffering and six hours of hoping that she can make it until the end.

She was placed in the ICU where there was a mic connected inside and outside the room. That is to say, kapag may emergency na nangyari: operation man o hindi ay posibleng gawin sa mismong kwartong iyon.

"Her past injury, which is the bullet wound on her chest has now resurfaced, and unfortunately, doon din mismo tumama ang bala–which causes the wound to bleed once again on the same place where her muscles and nerves suffered. And as of now, naisalin na ang blood from the donor. Ella has passed the critical stage and is now recovering. Kailangan lang nating hintayin kung kailan siya magigising. It can be days, weeks, months, or years. There are no definite days, all we have to do is wait and be patient."

That was what the doctor said to me after several hours of waiting for the results. Nang mabaril si Ella ay agad kaming tumawag sa mafia ng backup para maihatid kaagad si Ella. Mabilis naman silang umaksyon at nadala kaagad ang asawa ko sa headquarters.

Wait and be patient. The doctor told me to wait and be patient. I can do that. She has waited for me all her life, hindi kawalan sa akin ang hintayin siya buong buhay ko pabalik. I've spent two years of my life hating her existence, when in fact I should be grateful to her for saving me from the true enemy.

Napahilamos ako habang nakaupo sa labas ng kwarto ni Ella. Hindi ko magawang ikilos ang paa ko patungo sa kama niya. Isipin ko pa lamang ang kalagayan niya ay parang nanghihina na ako. Lalo na kung iisipin ko pa na ang dahilan kung bakit siya natamaan ay dahil sa pagsangga niya ng bala para sa akin.

"Boss, hindi ba kayo papasok sa loob?" Napatunghay ako nang marinig kong magtanong si Adam. Kahit na bakas pa ang pamumutla sa mukha niya ay nagsisikap pa rin siyang magmukhang maging maayos sa akin.

Dr. Martin asked who among us has the same blood type as Ella's and Adam was the perfect fit with all the requirements stated. At dahil bukal naman sa puso ni Adam ang magbigay ng dugo kay Ella ay pumayag siya. I was beyond thankful for that. I know for a fact that it is hard to donate something to someone who isn't your relative, but Adam was different. Maybe he and Ella really do have a closer relationship more than I expected.

And I admit that upon thinking that, it made me jealous a little bit. Alam kong dating nagustuhan ni Ella si Adam. At kahit na matagal na panahon na iyon ay hindi ko pa rin maiwasan ang magselos. Dahil kung nagawa na niyang magustuhan si Adam dati ay maaari ring mangyari iyon ngayon.

Especially now that I can really say that I'm not worthy to receive her love. Sa lahat ng bagay na ginawa niya para sa akin ay wala pa akong naisusukling mabuti para sa kanya. I'm doubting if the sacrifices that Ella did for me was indeed worth it. Tama bang sa akin niya sinakripisyo ang lahat lahat?

"I can't," I said bitterly. Pakiramdam ko'y hindi ako karapat-dapat na tumabi man lang sa kanya. Ni ang huminga kasama siya sa iisang lugar ay hindi sapat para sa isang kagaya ko.

Maliit na ngumiti si Adam bago siya lumapit sa tabi ko. "Alam niyo, boss, ito lang ha. Sa tingin niyo ba, matutuwa si Ella na malamang hindi mo siya dinalaw habang nasa kama siya?"

Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin nang marinig ko ang tawag niya kay Ella. Agad naman siyang ngumisi nang mapagtanto iyon. "O, Madam na, kalma ka lang, boss," natatawa niyang sambit.

"I just feel so unworthy. After all her sacrifices and sufferings, wala man lang akong naisukli sa kanyang kahit ano." I can feel my eyes tearing up. The image of Ella slowly falling and her bloody state–will forever be engraved in my mind. It was heart-wrenching. Ang makitang nasa ganoong kalagayan ang asawa ko at ako pa mismo ang dahilan ay mabigat dalhin sa aking kalooban.

"O boss, wag iiyak, baka tumulo ang uhog," kantiyaw sa akin ng tauhan kong si Leo na kakarating lang makalipas ang ilang minuto kong inutusan siyang sabihan ang iba na bantayan at higpitan ang lugar. I glared at him. He immediately raised both of his hands as if he was surrendering to me. Natawa naman si Adam.

Natigil ang usapan nang biglang dumating si Em. She glared at me; pure venom is evident on her face as she strides towards me. Para bang nanlilisik ang mga mata niya habang suot niya ang scrub at nakasabit sa leeg niya ang stethoscope. Ganoon na lamang ang gulat ko nang sampalin niya ako ng malakas. Nalaglag ang panga ko sa sobrang pagkabigla.

"Papasok ka o hindi? Sa tingin mo ba talaga, gugustuhin ni Ella na hindi marinig 'yang boses mo habang nakaratay siya doon?" sigaw ni Em sa akin. Hindi ako nakasagot. I never saw her went berserk like this, so I decided that it was best to shut my mouth and be silent.

"Lahat ng ginawa ni Ella para sayo, sana pahalagahan mo! Kasi hindi naman niya 'yan gagawin kung hindi siya desidido at hindi niya rin 'yan gagawin kung sa tingin niya hindi ka karapat-dapat!" Sabi niya na tila ba nandidiri pa sa sinasabi.

"So, if you go on thinking that you are not deserving and then you spent your time wallowing about the fact that you got your judgment wrong, you're neglecting her sacrifices! You’re belittling her love! She would never want you to spend your time thinking nonsense. She would want you to make up for your wrongdoings by any means!" bulyaw niya. Her words started making sense in my mind.

"Naiintindihan mo? O hindi? Kasi kung ayaw mong bumawi, ayos lang. Paki ko naman sayo 'no. Hindi nga kita bet e. Mala-Satanas 'yang ugali mo, 'no kung hindi mo lang nalalaman," mataray na sabi ni Em. I looked at her in amusement.

Nagtawanan naman ang mga tauhan ko sa paligid. Lampas lima na sila dito dahil pinasadya kong padamihan ang nakapaligid sa kwartong iyon para sa seguridad ni Ella.

"Ewan ko ba kung bakit nagtatiyaga sayo si Ella. Pero kung sabagay may lahi rin kasing sa demonyita ang gagang 'yon. Masamang damo rin 'yon kaya h-hindi iyon mamamatay." Bahagyang pumiyok si Em sa dulo ng kanyang pangungusap. That caused my smile to get caught in the air.

Alam ko kung gaano kasakit para kay Em na makitang nahihirapan ang kaibigan niya. They've been friends for how many years, and I saw their friendship and how close their bond is. Mahirap makakita ng pagkakaibigang katulad ng sa kanila.

They've been through thick and thin, and time has made their friendship stronger. Alam ko kung gaano nahirapan si Ella nang magsimula siyang manatili sa tabi ko bilang asawa, at nagpapasalamat ako kay Em sa pagsama sa kanya kahit anong mangyari.

Hindi ko na napigilan at niyakap ko na si Em. She was shaking. Rinig na rinig sa buong hallway ng ICU ang iyak niya. I rubbed her back in hopes of stopping her from crying.

"Tama na. Baka magselos si Ella." Sa kabila ng pag-iyak niya ay nasabi niya iyon. Kahit na namumula pa ang mga mata niya ay nakangiti na siyang nakatunghay sa akin. I chuckled a bit.

She nodded her head towards the direction of room, urging me to make my way. And even though my nerves are getting the better of me, I tried to muster up my courage and answered it with a nod. Pagkatapos ay dahan-dahan akong nagtungo papunta sa kwarto ni Ella.

Nang makapasok ako sa loob ay lamig agad ang sumalubong sa akin. Hindi nakatulong ang nerbiyos na kanina ko pa nararamdaman. And then, I saw her.

She was lying on the bed with tubes inserted all over her body. She was asleep and lying so peacefully. Siguro ay sa kamang iyon ko na siya nakitang pinakapayapa.

Dahan-dahan akong nagpunta patungo sa kama niya at naupo sa upuan sa may gilid niyon. Pagkaupo ko ay hinawakan ko ang kanang kamay niya. Inilapit ko iyon sa aking bibig at hinalikan. And although I'm not used at talking with myself, I wanted to try it. Alam kong nakikinig si Ella sa akin. Gusto kong marinig niya ang boses ko hanggang sa paggising niya.

"Ella, baby," paos kong saad. Pagkatapos ay napatawa ako nang kaunti. "I know that we haven't finalized or talk yet about our endearment but I'm settling with this. 'Wag mo muna akong awayin, tsaka mo na ako awayin kapag gising ka na." Hinalikan kong muli ang kamay niya at marahan iyong hinaplos.

Tinitigan ko ang maamo niyang mukha. Hindi mo aakalain na palaban at walang inuurungan ang babaeng ito pagdating sa labanan.

"Remember the time when you insisted to fight with me? I knew right then that you will always be a part of me. There is something in you that has always hooked me in. You make me argue and throw comebacks in your insults and sarcasm. Kayang-kaya mong patumbahin ang kahit na sino gamit lamang ang mga salita mo. You can make a real man cry... like m-me..."

My voice cracked at the end. Hindi ko na mapigil ang hinagpis ng aking puso. Marahang tumulo ang mga luha mula sa aking mga mata.

"Ella, ang sakit," I sobbed. "Masakit isipin na walang kasiguraduhan lahat. Sabi ng doktor, hindi raw sigurado kung magigising ka ba after weeks, months or years. O kung magigising ka pa ba..." Napahagulhol ako.

Sa sobrang basa ng mukha ko ay napahilamos ako. "But baby, it’s alright. Nagawa mo ngang maghintay sa akin na mahalin kita pabalik ng walang kasiguraduhan, e. Nagawa mong hintayin ako na maibalik ko yung mga alaala ko noong mga panahong kasama kita. Ano ba naman yung buong buhay kitang hintayin diba? Buong buhay mo rin naman akong minahal ng walang kapalit..."

"Kahit na nasasaktan ka na... kahit na naghihirap ka na, hindi mo pa rin ako iniwan. Even when I wrongly accused you... you still stayed. And for that, I'm thankful. Kaya Ella... hihintayin kita. Kahit anong mangyari, nandito lang ako sa tabi mo. Mahal na mahal kita."

I spent my time staring at her after I talked with her. It still felt so sudden. Sa isang iglap ay nagbago bigla ang lahat.

Makaraan pa ang ilang oras ay napagpasyahan ko ng umalis. Kahit na gustuhin ko pang manatili sa kwarto ay alam kong tinatawag na ako ng responsibilidad. I stood up and kissed her forehead, silently vowing to come back once everything's okay.

Sa pagtalikod ko ay hindi ko napansin ang pagtulo ng luha mula sa nakasaradong mata ni Ella.

-

That was my daily routine. In between my duties as a mafia leader, and being a husband, I somehow managed to visit Ella every day. Kadalasan ay sa gabi ako nagpupunta dahil doon madalas ang bakante kong oras.

Sa bawat pagdalaw ko ay may bago akong kwento. Madalas ay humihingi pa rin ako ng kapatawaran sa lahat ng masasakit na salitang nagawa ko. I just felt so guilty. Dahil imbis na dapat ay nagpapasalamat ako sa pagligtas niya sa akin ay nandoon lang ako at pinagsasalitaan siya ng kung ano ano.

I often tell her stories of my lost memories with her. Ikinukwento ko sa kanya ang mga storyang nangyari dati noong pagkabata pa namin. And I don't know if it's just all in my head, but I can see her lips forming a smile.

Everything was going well for me today. Ginagamot na ang lahat ng mga tauhan ko mula sa nangyaring pagsugod kay Vincent. They are all hospitalized and given individual rooms. There are no casualties reported on my side but many on the opposite.

I can still remember Vincent's falling form when I shot the gun. Nagbalak pa talaga ang gago na barilin akong muli, I shoot him to the head and never regretted it.

Em was stabilizing Ella's condition. Siya ang inatas ko para bantayan ang kalagayan ni Ella in terms of her vitals. Dr. Martin was her assistant. Hindi ko alam kung paanong napapayag niya si Martin na maging assistant niya. Guess hindi lang sa akin gumagana ang convincing powers niya.

I was snapped out of my thoughts when I saw Em coming inside the room. Hindi naman kakaiba na pumasok siya sa kwarto ni Ella mainly because she is her doctor. But she was looking pale, and her face was clouded with an unknown emotion. That made me nervous. She was never this serious unless it's a big thing.

"Damon, I need to talk to you."

Kumunot ang aking noo. "Then talk."

Agad siyang umiling. "No, let's go outside. I can't let Ella hear this." Agad akong kinabahan nang sabihin niya iyon. Tumalima ako.

Nang makalabas na kami ay agad siyang napabuga ng hangin. Wari bang hindi niya masabi ang gusto niyang sabihin. Whatever it is, it's making her looked so stressed.

"What is it?" Napahilamos si Em bago siya sumagot.

"Ella's pregnant."

I froze. My heart instantly soars up high. Pakiramdam ko ay sobrang saya ko na ng mga oras na yon.

I can already imagine Ella and I spend our time with our child. At kahit na hindi ko pa alam ang kasarian ng bata ay alam ko na. Mamahalin ko siya ng buong-buo.

Pero bigla akong natigil nang may idinugtong si Em.

"Everything is going well for her, Damon. As of now. We'll monitor her pregnancy until the end. But I must inform you, maaaring dumating ang oras na kailangan mong mamili sa dalawa. Kung si Ella ba o ang anak niyo?" Em said seriously. Sa gilid ng kanyang mga mata ay nakita ko rin ang kaunting pamamasa niyon.

My heart took a dive. Pakiramdam ko'y binigyan ako ng regalo ngunit muli rin iyong binawi sa akin. I admit that it was not in our plan to have a baby, but I don't think kaya kong mamili sa kanilang dalawa ni Ella. Hindi pa man naipapanganak ang bata ay minahal ko na siya–katumbas ng pagmamahal ko sa aking asawa.

"But don't think about it yet. Maraming buwan pa ang natitira, Damon. Ella's just on her second month and there's seven months more to go. You can still think everything through–"

"There are no choices, Em. I'll risk everything to save them both. I just hope you're on the same boat as I am."

Em stared at me as if she was trying to read my mind and soon, she nodded. "On it, boss."

-

Pinunasan ko ang braso at leeg ni Ella. Idinampi ko ang tuwalya sa tubig bago iyon muling ipunas sa ibang bahagi ng kanyang katawan.

Every day, it was my routine. I bathe her with cloth and talk with her and the baby inside her. Minsan ay hinahalikan ko rin ang tiyan niya habang tahimik na nakadikit ang tenga doon at pinapakinggan ang tibok ng puso nilang dalawa–silently praying for an assurance that they are both still alive.

I was patiently waiting. Kahit na walang kasiguraduhan ay naghihintay pa rin ako... at naniniwala na hindi ako magagawang iwan ni Ella. Alam kong lalaban pa siya hanggang dulo. Because I know exactly what kind of woman she is–fearless, brave, and a risk-taker.

Her stomach is now bigger than before. It has been five months since Em delivered the news about her being pregnant. She's now six months pregnant. We've conducted several tests to make sure that the baby and her condition's all stable. And luckily, as of now, it was all good.

"Everything's going well for the mafia, baby. It's been six months since you’ve been admitted here, and everyone's still patiently waiting for your return. Namimiss na nila ang matabil mong dila, specifically Em since she's the one who said that," I chuckled.

"Dumbo's been losing a lot of weight, probably because he's been worrying a lot for your sake. Alam ko naman na mas loyal 'yon sayo kaya hindi na ako nagtatakang sobra rin siya kung mag-alala ngayon. Baka nga hindi mo na siya makilala paggising mo e,” natatawa kong sabi.

"Em asked me if I wanted to see the gender of the baby, pero 'di ako pumayag. I know how you love surprises, and I might ruin it if I got ahead of you. Baka masapak o masipa mo pa ako kapag nagising ka," I smiled.

I looked at my wife and removed the hair that was hiding her beauty. "It's been so long since I've seen your smile. Kailan ko kaya ulit iyon makikita mula sa'yo, Ella? I miss your laughter and the mirth coming from your eyes. Sana bumalik ka na sa akin. Kayo ni baby. Aantayin ko kayo."

I tried to stop the tears, but they just kept on falling. As much as possible, I don't want to make Ella stress about anything. Iniiwasan kong umiyak sa harapan niya dahil baka marinig niya iyon. I bit my lip to stop myself from sobbing.

"If you hear me, please give me any sign. I know you're listening, baby. I just know..." munti kong pakiusap sa kanya.

Few minutes and still there was no response. But I just kept on holding her hand, waiting for something to happen. In the end, it was all nothing.

-

Finally, it’s the day I’ve been waiting for.

Any week from now, Ella's going to give birth to the baby. Em told me that since Ella's not yet awake, they are going to cut my wife's tummy. I immediately protested when they told me the word cut. Like, the hell? Are they going to dissect my wife?

But Em explained to me that since Ella can't proceed with the natural way of birthing, it was their last resort. Otherwise, they can't pull out the baby from the stomach. She also reassured me that the organs will all be safe inside and will not be harmed in any way possible. Thanks for telling me that, Em.

After sorting the papers given by the technical team, I immediately went towards Ella's room. Her room now is under strict observation. All the staffs from the medical team are now ready to operate her. Any minute na makita nilang magkaroon ng biglaang change sa vital signs ni Ella at makitang handa na si Ella for labor ay magu-umpisa na sila.

Habang naghihintay ay lumapit muna ako kay Ella at kinausap siya.

"Baby," panimula ko. "To be honest, I'm quite nervous today. Em told me something about your condition and I don't want to put you or our baby in jeopardy. I'll take the risk, love. Everything. Kasi gusto pa kitang makasama. Gusto pa kitang mayakap, mahalikan at mahalin ng sobra-sobra. Gusto ko pa kayong makasama ng magiging anak natin..."

Napahilamos ako. It was as if the switch on my emotions were turned on. I cannot place my sanity. I started sobbing as if there was no tomorrow. Kahit si Em ay lumapit na para patahanin ako.

Nang mahimasmasan ay hinawakan ko ang kamay ni Ella. Ngunit agad ding napatigil nang marahan niyang pinisil ang kamay kong nakahawak sa kamay niya. Agad nanlaki ang mata ko at napatingin kay Em na gulat din. Mabilis siyang kumilos at pinindot ang buzzer sa kwarto.

And then everything was blurry. One minute, the alarm for Ella's vital signs started beeping fast. The doctor and nurses started running inside. Pinalabas nila ako at ako nama'y nanatili lang na nakatanaw sa labas. They were all fast.

Time started ticking. Ni hindi ko alam kung ilang oras na akong nanonood sa kanilang ginagawa. I just stand outside the room, watching through the glass windows, seeing my wife laying on her bed.

And then I saw a baby boy being pulled out. I felt my heart soared. Kahit sa malayuan ay nakikita kong kamukhang-kamukha ni Ella ang bata. Hindi ko mapigilang maluha habang nakatingin sa kanya mula sa malayo.

Kumunot ang aking noo nang makitang parang mas lalo silang nataranta. Agad akong nagsalita sa mic na nakakonekta sa loob ng kwarto. "What's happening?"

"Sir, may isa pa po. Kambal ang anak niyo."

Natulala ako. Hindi ko sukat akalaing dalawa pala ang magiging anak namin ni Ella. I was beyond happy.

But then it was all short-lived.

They started moving quick. Mas mabilis pa sa kilos nila kanina. Mukha silang natataranta at hindi mapakali. Halata sa mga mukha nila ang kaba. Maging si Em na kanina'y kalmadong naga-assist kay Doc Martin ay hindi na rin makalma.

I was about to ask them why, but then I've come to know about it when I heard the sound.

For a minute, I stood frozen. My hands were shaking, and my body was rigid. I closed my eyes.

Flatline.

I started running towards the room only to be stopped by my staff. Alam kong pipigilan nila ako umpisa pa lang pero tumakbo pa rin ako.

I cannot lose her. I can't... not anymore. Hindi ko kakayanin.

Napadausdos ako paibaba at nawalan ng lakas. Rinig ang aking hagulhol sa buong kuwarto niya. Nanginginig ang buong katawan ko habang nakikita ko kung paano sinisikap na muling buhayin si Ella.

"200!"

"Clear!"

But I was still hearing that deafening sound which made my whole world crumble. It was the worst painful way of saying goodbye.

And it pains me to know that maybe... the reason why Ella held my hand firmly a while ago was because she wanted to say goodbye to me.