Epilogue
It was her death anniversary.
Parang kailan lang noong magkasama pa kami. Ang bilis ng panahon. At kahit hindi ko pa iyon natanggap ng una, panahon na rin ang nakalimot sa nakaraan.
The wind blew right into my face, slowly letting me know that she's still here. Mapait akong napangiti.
"Papa! We're ready." Agad akong napatingin sa anak kong babae nang bigla niya akong ginising mula sa aking pag-iisip. Napangiti ako habang tinitingnan ang ayos niya. Ngunit bigla rin akong napasimangot nang matitigan iyon ng mabuti.
"Cassioepea, baby girl, bakit naman ganyan? Aatakehin ata ako ng walang oras sayo, e." Paano ba naman, ang ikli ng suot niya! Nakapalda lang siya pero ang pangtaas niya naman, kita ang pusod. Sumasakit ang ulo ko habang tinititigan siya.
"Why? What's wrong with it?" Pigilan ko man ang ngiti sa aking labi ay hindi ko pa rin nagawa. Bulol-bulol pa siya kung mag-ingles ngunit parang proud na proud siya nang sabihin niya iyon.
Kamakailan lang kasi ay nagsimula na silang mag-aral. Kinder pa lang sila ngunit parang mga matured na kung magsipag-isip. But there was still a part of them na hindi talaga maikakailang bata pa sila.
"You dress too short, baby. Dapat hindi kita ang tuhod at ang pusod." Kinunot ko pa ang noo ko. Sinimangutan niya ako.
“I can wear what I want! Bleh!” Binelatan pa ako ni Cass na siya namang tinawanan ko.
"Papa, matagal pa ba?" Blangko ang mukha ni Russell na nakatingin sa akin. Kakalabas lang niya sa kuwarto niya at ayos na ayos na ang porma.
At ito pang isang 'to. He's been too much like me. Para ngang nakikita ko ang batang ako sa kanya, e. Halos pati ang mukha at ugali ko ay namana niya sa akin. Siguro ang namana niya lang sa ina niya ay ang pagiging palaban niya. He's been keeping all the boys who keeps on getting closer to my baby girl off their feet.
It's been four years and the twins are now four years old. It was hard taking care of them both, but I will never choose another path than this. For years, I've learned how to change diapers and get them to sleep like a cycle. It was all tiring, but the smiles on their faces and the mirth flashing across their eyes will be enough payment for all of it.
Ashley Cassioepea Stanford & Dean Russell Stanford–that's the name of the twins and I got to name them both. Bago pa man ipinanganak ang dalawa ay pinag-isipan ko na ang pangalan. And since Ella can't answer nor give any response to me about that, I decided to do it all alone.
Cassioepea's more like her Mama– minus the fighting spirit. May pagkamaarte siya ng konti pero hindi siya gaanong palaaway. Mahina rin kung minsan ang loob niya, bagay na hindi niya namana kay Ella. She looks a lot like her mom, too. Kaya minsan kapag namimiss ko ang Mama niya ay sa kanya na lang ako tumitingin.
Ramdam ko ang pamilyar na sakit sa aking dibdib.
"Papa won't talk anymore. Let's go. Mama's waiting for us to visit her now." I held both of their hands. And we all went out.
Minutes later, we arrived at the place where I've long dreaded to come.
Napasinghap ako sa loob ng sasakyan. Ayaw ko mang tumuloy sa lugar na ito ay kailangan ko pa ring gawin dahil nandito siya.
I went out of the car. Pagkatapos kong bumaba ay nagtungo ako sa backseat at pinababa na rin ang kambal mula sa kanilang pagkakaupo. Magkabila silang nakahawak sa aking kamay. Ayaw pa nga sana ni Russell na hawakan ang kamay ko kung hindi ko lang kinunutan ng noo.
"No matter what age you are now, Rus. You will always be your Papa's boy," palihim akong natawa nang makitang mas lumalim pa ang kunot ng kanyang noo.
"Papa, ang corny. Please stop that." Hindi ko na napigilan ang tawa ko nang sabihin iyon ng aking anak.
Few steps and we're inside. Amoy ko ang pamilyar na amoy ng ospital. Isa sa mga amoy na lubos kong kinatakutan dati.
"Papa, ayaw mo na naman pumasok?" Cassioepea asked me. Napatingin ako sa anak ko. Sa murang edad ay alam na niya ang nangyayari. Sa tuwing dumadalaw ako ay ganito na lang din ang nangyayari sa akin. Napapatigil sa labas ng ospital at tila ba ayaw ko na pumasok pa.
"Papa, let's go. Mama's waiting for us," Russell said. Wala na akong nagawa kundi tumuloy na sa loob habang hila ako ng aking mga anak.
Sa bawat hakbang ko ay sabay noon ang pagrigodon ng aking puso. Halos pigil ang aking hininga habang papalapit na kami sa paroroonan namin.
"Baby!"
A breath of relief flooded into me, and before I knew it, I already removed my hands from my children and kneeled at her feet, slowly hugging her bulging belly.
At para bang alam niya ang nararamdaman ko, hinagkan niya ang ulo ko at paulit-ulit iyong hinawakan.
"Sabi ko naman sayo, antayin mo na lang ako sa bahay e. Uuwian naman kita ng picture ni baby, e." Her voice soothed my well-being and slowly, I can feel my worries being washed away.
"'Wag magagalit kay Papa, mga anak ha? Alam niyo na diba?---"
"Papa was traumatized because you got hospitalized for a year and he even saw you on the brink of death in this same hospital. That's why." The twins said, as if it was rehearsed – which I can say is almost true. Dahil palagi iyong sinasabi ng asawa ko kapag nakikita nila akong ganito.
"Galing talaga ng mga anak ko. Kiss nga si Mama," natatawang sabi niya. Agad namang lumapit ang mga anak ko kay Ella at hinalikan siya sa magkabilang pisngi.
Ella was revived after that five-minute scare. Akala ko noo'y makikita ko nang mamatay ang asawa ko sa mismong harapan ko. Napakasakit sa tuwing naaalala ko yung mga oras na wala man lang akong magawa para mailigtas siya. Pero nagpapasalamat ako dahil dininig ng Panginoon ang dalangin ko.
She slept for a week after that. At kahit na napanghihinaan na ako ng loob noong mga panahon na iyon, ay inilaban ko ang lahat para sa mga bata. Pagkatapos ng isang linggo ay nagising din siya. She told me that even though she was asleep, she can still hear my voice and it became her lifeline, hoping that someday, she will be able to wake up and spend her life with me.
And that she did.
Now, she's six months pregnant. And together with our babies, we plan to spend our forever starting today.
"Baby, I know it's late and I should have done this right after you woke up, but at that time, I just want to savor the feeling that you're now here with me. Kaya ngayon," I smiled at my twins, and they took that as my sign. Russell took out the box from his back pocket and gave it to me. I kneeled on one knee properly and looked at her direction. She was in tears; her bulging belly was adding to her magnificent beauty.
"Gusto kitang makasama hanggang sa pinangako kong walang hanggan. Ikaw lang ang gusto kong makasama mula sa pagtanda at sa kamatayan. Ella... will you marry me? Again? This time, properly," naiiyak ko na ring tanong.
Para bang dumaan sa isipan ko lahat ng kalungkutan at kasiyahang naramdaman namin sa piling ng isa't isa. Hindi ko pa rin lubos akalaing may babaeng nasa harapan ko na sobra sobra ang pagmamahal sa akin.
"Yes." Halos humagulhol na si Ella. Hindi ko na napigilang tumayo at halikan siya. Hindi pa sana ako titigil kung hindi lang nagsalita ang anak ko.
"Gross." Napalitan ng tawa ang iyak naming dalawa ni Ella dahil sa sinabi ni Russell.
"Nako, manang mana talaga sayo Damon! Damonyo ka kasi," tawang-tawa si Ella habang sinasabi iyon.
And as I stand there, just staring at her face full of bliss and happiness. Almost impossible to compare. Years ago, I may not imagine this kind of scene. Not with Ella. But this view is incomparable. My lifetime and the next is standing right in front of me.
"I'm so happy, Ella," bigla kong sabi habang nakayakap sa mga binti namin ang dalawa naming anak.
Napangiti si Ella. Mabilis niyang pinahid ang luha sa aking pisngi at hinalikan iyon. "Ako rin, sobrang saya ko. I love you, Damon." My heart tugged at her words. I suddenly felt like I was on cloud nine. Damn!
"I love you, too, Ella. Let's go meet Erin?" I said, smiling. It was Erin's death anniversary and Ella told me that we should visit her regardless of the things that she did to us. Napapangiti na lamang ako habang tinitingnan ang babaeng ito dahil sa puso niyang punong-puno ng pagpapatawad.
Agad siyang tumango. "Yes, let's meet Ate." She enveloped her right hand on mine and our kids went on each of our other side, together we face our road with the eternity waiting for us.
There are two kinds of love. The first is the destructive love. It was the kind of love that loves with a motive. With one's selfish desires coming in, the kind of love that Erin has for me. Ang uri ng pag-ibig na palaging may kapalit. Puro sakit at pansariling kaligayahan lamang.
And then there's the unconditional love. The kind of love that Ella has for me. It's the kind of love that forgives–it's the kind of love that accepts flaws, insecurities, and imperfection. All the things mentioned are truly accepted by the people who loves unconditionally. Because love is absolute. It is genuine and the powerful among everything.
And I plan to live that kind of love so that I can also love her the same way that she did.
I may have treated her bad and made her feel unwanted, but it was the moment that she loved me... it was that moment that I've started to long for everything that she can offer to me.
"Tara na?" Her smile reached her eyes, slowly calling into me. Our children were looking at me, slowly waiting.
It was the start of the lifetime. Our lifetime.
Ella, you are my everything. And starting from this moment, I only promise for you to walk on the path full of love that is genuine and promising.
I love you, always and forever.