I almost froze at the realization of close contact with my body. I felt my body almost turning into jelly, wanting to rest my body on his, as his hand laid on my stomach. I breathe in the nice cologne as I realize who he was, Christopher. I felt my heart beat fast as I stood in the same position.
"I am sorry", his soft voice, with a hint of remorse and pleading penetrating through my ear making my stomach churn with mixed feelings.
I turned as his right hand held me back, making me closer to him, a few inches apart as my hands fell on his chest. His eyes locked with mine as I could feel my inner mind telling me to get over the trance I am in as fast as possible.
With my stomping heart, I moved back, gently removing his hands as I broke free from his embrace, slowly pacing my breathing. I slowly packed the clothes and dropped them in the wardrobe. I felt Chris's presence behind me as I held onto the wardrobe handle, not knowing what to do.
He pulled me to face him as he hugged me again and I suddenly felt butterflies in my Tommy as his cologne filled my nostril. The feeling I thought I have kept at bay was coming back again as I found myself relaxing in his embrace.
" I am sorry for acting like a jerk this whole time. I thought you conned me by making me fall for you. I felt you were the reason I fell for you. I realized I can't stop those feelings, without help. I am sorry for the inconveniences", he apologized and I felt happy at his apology.
We withdrew from the hug as I looked at his face which was filled with regrets.
"I have forgiven you. I understand what you must have been going through. The frustration must have been there, especially with a new feeling, which you hate to have, and which the society is against. Accepting is the first step to healing", I explained and he smiled.
" Thanks. I appreciate you for forgiving me even with those bad words of mine", he breathed, creasing his forehead.
I nudged his arm.
"Don't feel sober. Don't blame yourself. It is all in the past now." I comforted him, as he forced a smile.
"Thanks. I feel like staying at home now but I have a lecture in the next 45 minutes", he replied and I blushed.
" You should hurry up, we will see later", I concluded as he gave me another hug before heading out.
******
"I feel sleepy Christopher", I said, as I glanced at my wristwatch only to discover that the time wa11 pm.
Chris came back home around the evening, and he decided to prepare the meal. We kept gisting trying to catch up with the months we missed.
" Like seriously? It is only 11 pm", he grumbled making a face that made me snicker.
"Good night," we both said to each other as I turned off the bed lamp, turning to the other side of the bed.
I closed my eyes as my body flowed with different emotions knowing Christopher is aware that he is attracted to me, making me feel angst. I just hope things will go well, as well as work out things in keeping our physical distance to a minimum", I thought.
I suddenly felt a hand on my waist as I stiffened due to sparks I felt in my body. The sparks only happen when I am in proximity with any part of the body of the person I am attracted to. I felt a slow movement, as the bed made a cranking sound.
The body which happened to be that of Christopher was beside me as I tightened closing my eyes, my heart beating fast. One of his legs came on top of my legs as his hand made a further movement up my torso. I stayed glued, trying to fight the urge, as his breath fanned my ear.
I knew I had to stop this but my body is becoming weak to go against this temptation. I God please help me", I said in my mind as his hand made another movement.
I sprang up immediately which gave him an expected look, I could fathom due to the full moonlight that made its way lightly into our room.
"I cannot do this. We should not. It is an abomination and a sin. We should control our sexual desires", I blurted as I began to calm down.
Chris looked at me, a little bit downcasted as he sighs lightly, turning to the other side of the bed. I felt guilty for pushing him away like that. I do not want to involve myself in what will bring us temporary fun or happiness based on the feeling we both had. I am attracted to him but will never engage in sexual conduct with him no matter what.
I placed my head on the rim of the bed, thinking about the whole scenario. I moved closer to Christopher to talk to him.
" Christopher", I called him gently
"Hmm," he replied.
"I am sorry for saying those words. I was just…", I paused, not sure of what to say again.
He sat up as he faced me. I felt a bit lightheaded observing that his look does not depict someone angry. He looked at me and held my hands with his.
" I understand you. I felt good knowing you stopped us from doing what came to my mind. I was just impulsed by my hormones because I was attracted to you. I am gay now and there is nothing I can do about it", he said, enunciating the last part bitterly.
"How did you accept this feeling you had? It must have been a tough one for you", he asked after a little pause between us.
" When I realized I have developed this feeling since I was 14 years old, over 3 years now, I felt bad. I felt disgusted by my own body. I felt stupid for developing feelings for the same sex. I tried to look for a cure for it. Sadly, the only solution for me is to pass my bloom of youth( when sexual desires are high)", I explained, as a drop of tears fell down my face.
"You are quite strong, controlling all those emotional traumas that come with accepting the new change in you", he said and I chuckled.
" Don't flatter me. Many view me as weak mostly because I am effeminate", I replied.
"You might be weak to them but from my point of view, the one who can carry the emotional trauma without giving up is the strong one", he complimented and I thumped him up, happy at where our conversation was heading to.
I felt light knowing someone else knew my secret. I felt as if my problems were gone but the question is Are they?
" One thing that helped me was not seeing myself as gay", I opened up again and he wore a shocked expression.
"I believe anyone who has feelings for the same sex is gay, even google backed it up", he explained and I smiled lightly.
" I looked at myself and concluded I had feelings for the same sex. I have never had any sexual relations with the same sex. The point is I am only attracted to the same sex, so not until I have sexual conduct with the same sex, I am not gay", I stated, as he kept nodding, trying to comprehend my point of view.
"Wow, I am impressed. All this while, I felt I was gay without looking further into the meaning. I felt so angry that I developed feelings for you. I thought you conned me without realizing that you are a good-hearted person. Not only have you helped me out of my depressing zone, but you have also made me rethink.
I am attracted to you. I am not gay unless I have sexual relations with the same sex. Thank you and sorry for everything I did all these past months, as well as the attempted one tonight", he apologized, understanding the learned context I learned from that very book.
" Temptations are a snare for teenagers, adolescents, and adults. The feelings are like time. It will surely pass away. As for the time, no one knows", I said as he hugged me.
"Thank you for not giving up on me and yourself. You are my hero", he said and I chuckled.
" Thank you. I think we should keep our physical distance to a minimum", I managed to say as he released me from his embrace.
We kept talking that very night and I must confess it was one of the best nights in my life. I realized feelings are just a passing phase, with time I believe the whole trauma of my life will disappear. As long as I keep controlling myself.
God gave me feelings, not for me to give in to them but to learn how to control them.