"Robin, are you alright?" I heard Benny say as he opened the attic door and picked me up from the ground. "Damn it! You are burning up, Robin."
I couldn’t say a word as I shut my eyes, tears rolled down from the corner of my eyes, not because I felt sorry but because my heart felt sore.
Even as a seven year old child I know when I was craving for someone, I have never felt sick when I was with my mother, but because of this man, starving me, hitting me and locking me up in an attic.
What sort of stupid affection and care was he trying to show now, why does he sound worried when this was all his fault?
I wanted to push him up but I had no energy. My body felt so weak. I could only hear the hurried footsteps of my father. I didn’t bother to see who was also behind him, perhaps his lovely new wife.
They put me in the car and my father drove off. I felt us moving. I knew he was taking me to the hospital. Of course he has a lot of money, but left my mother in that shabby house.
How good of him? A very good man, I was to applaud for him but I didn’t feel like it.
"Robin, are you alright?" He touched my shoulder, his other hand holding the steering wheel. "Say something if you hear me." He called out, trying to get me talking.
This was awesome, he would only feel better if he knew he didn't succeed in killing me. What would happen if this gets to my mother’s ears or the court?
I know what will happen, my mother was too weak to act or do anything, the court would send me to child support since my father hit me and my mother was drunk and couldn't take care of me.
I chuckled within myself. Isn’t my life a funny one? I can't say anything or do anything because I was a kid, a kid who still want to return to his mother's side, a kid who would have to endure his father's torture until he claim his right to return home to his mother.
I was admitted to the hospital and was looked after by a doctor. I could still hear my father telling the doctor to take good care of me, his voice sounds worried.
I laugh. Was my dad a good man? Yes he was, when he was with my mother, he was, I was happy with him, not until I turned 4 years, after my birthday, he changed and they argued after which they broke up.
Shouldn't a man stick to his wife even if there were some problems, what was the point in making a vow under the witness of the priest?
I felt someone sitting next to me, the room was suddenly quiet, my hands were picking my large hands and it felt warm.
"I am so sorry Robin." I heard my father say with a hoarse voice. "I am very sorry." He pressed his lips on my tiny palm.
I still didn't open his eyes, I still didn't understand my father, I only listened to what he was muttering.
"I love you as my son, I just want you to be with me, stay here and become someone better, I want you to be happy here, this is the only place you can be happy."
I held the sheet with my other hand, suppressing the urge to speak back at him. There was no point in saying anything, he would never listen or take heed to my words.
"Rest now, I will leave you to rest." He patted my hand and covered me up with the sheet.
I felt him stare at me for a while before hearing his departing footstep and then the opening and closing of the door, that was when I opened my eyes.
I didn’t look at the door, I know I was all alone in this room, my father was wealthy so even in the hospital I got a better room.
I looked over at the open window as I stared at the birds that flew in the sky, these were the things that calmed me down. I didn’t want to think of anything anymore, I was going to do as my father says and then leave here one day, this foreign land.
I felt something cold on my forehead, like a wet towel, then I heard my name.
"Robin."
My eyes fluttered and I opened them up, the face I saw was Ivana’s, staring at me with worried eyes.
"Are you coming back to your senses?" She asked softly again and I looked around to make sure I was not still dreaming.
I was in my room, a few moments ago I can remember being in the garden, and why was she…
"I am okay." I took away the wet towel from my forehead and tried to get up.
Ivana placed a pillow behind my back. "Are you sure you are okay? You have been asleep for over ten hours."
I blinked and looked at the clock, it was already evening, I turned my eyes to Ivana again and she just sat on the chair next to me.
"Yes, anything you are thinking is all correct." She said softly. How does she know what I am thinking?
"I didn’t go to school today because I was right here nursing you, I have to carry you all the way from the garden up to your room and my shoulder hurts like crazy, I haven’t eaten anything because I was watching over you." She lightly touched her shoulder.
I looked up at her forehead, she was sweating and her face felt red, she looked so worried.
"I am okay now." I said softly and wanted to get up but she held me back.
"Just like that?" She looked up at me. "Sure you look so good, look at you, your burning body has suddenly returned to normal, do you only have a few hours of sickness?" She looked up at my face.
"Hours ago I thought you would be dead, but now your body feels normal and you have a normal body temperature, were you only making me worried for nothing…"
"I didn’t ask you to worry about me." I pushed the quilt aside and got up from the bed, ivana blocked my path as she glared at me.
"This is what I get for nursing you? Unbelievable." She shook her head and turned to leave but I held her back. "What?" She raised her chin.
"You told me, you said you would teach me how to love, how do you propose to do so?" I asked her and she gazed up at me and the room felt silent with me and her staring at each other.
I am serious right now. I want to know how well she can make me love others, although I have no idea if I was going to, or how long it would last, but I want to give it a try.
I have been so cold and locked up in my shell for so long. I want to try it all out. I want to also feel what others felt, even if it was all going to hurt me someday. Still, even for a moment, I want to feel warmth again.