“Ordean, it is time for you to let go of the hate you have for your father, it is time for you to forgive him.” Mrs Jane told me and I staggered backwards, shocked to hear her say that.
The memories of what my father had done to me, what he had done to my mother flashed in through my mind like a rushing wave and my heart felt like it was filled with thorns as I gazed at my mother as if she was a stranger.
“Robin…” She called out to me and tried to reach me with her hands but I stepped backwards.
“Why?” I asked her in a hoarse voice. “Why should I? Why would you?” I shook my head at her. “Why would I forgive him after all he did?” I raised my voice as my heart was numb.
I watched tears roll down my mother’s cheek again, it hurts me even more that she was still crying because of that man. “Robin, no matter what he did, I don’t want it to destroy us, we have had that hurt in our heart so much and it could consume us if we don’t let it go.” She voiced out and I shook my head.
“No, you still love him, mom…” I pointed at her face, as more tears rolled down her eyes. “You are still crying because of him, now you want to forgive him in hopes that you can have him but the truth is you can’t” I barked.
My mother was silent, I looked down at her hands that were trembling and her lips were pressed together, her eyelashes fluttered and her eyes were filled with tears.
“Have you forgotten mom? Have you forgotten so soon how much hurt you went through in the past because of that man…”
“This is why I chose to forgive him, Robin!” My mother screamed as she placed her hands on her chest. “I am trying so hard to take those things away from my heart, I have held that grudge in my heart for so long and I want to stop it from destroying my heart, I want to stop it from destroying you, Robin…”
I shook my head and walked close to her, my eyes were staring into hers as I searched them. “Tell me, mom, do you still love that man? Is that the reason you have not dated someone else, is that the reason you are still thinking of him?” I held her shoulder with my quivering hands.
Tears rolled down my cheek, I could feel my lips tremble when she didn’t respond to my question. “You d-don’t know…” I tried to swallow the sob, but couldn’t. “You don’t know what I went through in his hands while I was there with him, he is a hateful mom, you should let go of that love, mom.” I shut my eyes.
I never wanted to tell her how I was locked up in the tiny attic, how I was left to starve because I wished to come to her, how much I was hit by him when I refuse to call his other wife mother, it was all a torment a kid should never have gone through, it was all that was left in my mind for that man, all I think of was him being cruel to me.
“Please mom,” I looked at her face again. “Please let go of that toxic love.”
My mother raised her hands and touched my face. “Could you just listen to me Robin,” My mother voiced out in a choked voice. “Could you just listen to what I have to say?”
I looked down and swallowed the sob as I waited for her to say whatever she had to say.
“It is all my fault, Robin.” I looked at my mother and my brows furrowed. I knew she would say this, I knew she would want to blame herself, I knew she was going to blame herself for the mistake of the man she loves.
“How is it your fault mom?” I stepped back from her. “Dad left you for another man, he left us for another man, has he come back to you even after all the love you have for him, has he ever admitted he loves you?” I shook my head. “He hasn’t, he doesn’t even feel any remorse for what he has done, why would it all be your fault when you were the one left behind, when you are the one left to bear the loneliness alone, why do you have to keep saying all this?”
I was tired. I’m I ever going to escape from this past? was I ever going to leave the hurt behind without being reminded of it, would I ever have the courage to love when my mother who had loved all her life has never been healed of it?
Why were they being so cruel to me? Why was my past trying to trap me? I also want to forget, I also want to act as nothing happened, but I keep getting haunted by it. Why don’t some children choose the family they want to be born in?
If I was to choose then I should be a happy kid that wasn’t robbed of their childhood, a boy who has everything including love, a boy who would have a father that would tell him about adventurous stories and not separate him from his mother or hit him.
I would have been a child who would cuddle next to my mother and have her read me bedtime stories, but here I was always trying to make her happy, always trying to get her to understand that not all love life works out.
”Robin, your dad did nothing, it was all my fault he left me, it was all my fault he took you away from me, it was all my fault he got married to someone else.” Mrs Jane continued as she walked back to the window and looked out of the garden.
“Your father was never meant for me.” She voiced and I looked at her back that was turned against me perplexed. “The lady that he got married to and stayed in the States with is his rightful wife.”
I walked over to my mother, she was saying things I didn’t understand, she was speaking in riddles and I don’t get how everything she was saying fit into the story that my father left us.
My mother turned to look at me in the face. “Benny never loved me, I loved him so much that I had to trap him with the fact that I have you as his child.” My brows furrowed as I looked at her face.
“I don’t understand what you mean mom.” I shook my head as I was in a daze. “Dad loved me until I turned four.” I voiced out because that was when everything crashed, that was when my father left my mother, that was when this drama all started.
Mrs Jane covered her face with her palm in silence for a long while before looking up at me again. “The woman who is married to your father now is my sister.” My eyes dilated in shock.
“I had a one night stand with your dad the night before his wedding with my sister,” I staggered backwards. “My sister left the marriage when I told her about it and I trapped Benny to be with me because of his baby I was carrying in my womb which is you.”
My heart felt like it had stopped beating for a while and I held the rail at the balcony to steady myself.
“I am so sorry Robin, I let you hate your father all this while when I was the one you should hate, my love was truly a poison that was ruining not only me but you, I am truly sorry Robin…” My mother looked at my face with sadness and tears.
I parted my lips to speak and then swallowed my words, I didn’t know what to say, how to react, it felt like my world has just crashed, it felt like I was living on spinning earth, cold washed over me and I could only stare blankly at my mother as I let the words she had just said settle in.
I was a child born out of hate!