Zakarius Cavalcante
I don't know what warmth feels like. The world I live in since I was born is a cold and lonely place. That's maybe the reason why I'm so stiff, I'm not capable of loving someone, I don't even love myself.
My father, Zachariah Cavalcante, didn't tell me anything about my mother. I don't know her name, if she's still alive or if she has a new family... I know nothing about my mother.
I tried to ask him, kahit pangalan lang gusto kong malaman, but I just ended up being tortured.
"You're too soft, Zakarius. Anak ba talaga kita?"
He held my jaw tightly and kicked my small body like a piece of trash. Tumama ang likod ko sa pader at halos napabaluktot sa sahig. I'm just 6 years old, but he wants me to act like 30 years old or something.
He doesn't see me as his son, he only sees me as a vessel for his selfish goals.
After that, I didn't dare to ask about my mother again. Knowing Zachariah, he'll just me up to death.
Zachariah is probably one of the most powerful man I know. Even politicians are afraid of him, even I, his own son is afraid of him.
At the age of 10, Zachariah taught me how to use a gun. At my age, I should be holding toys or playing with the kids at my age. At the age of 15, I already know how to fight: guns, hand to hand combat, knives... name it, I mastered it all at an early age.
I was also fifteen when Zachariah started Club dei Gentiluomini Feroci. He gathered vulnerable and young lads who are blinded by selfishness, wrath, and money. Zachariah even built a secret headquarters for us, it is somewhere hidden in the middle of a forest-like place.
Xanthos Archante and his brother, Xceron Archante are the first members. Zachariah saw their potential, sinamantala niya ang galit sa puso ng magkapatid, lalo na ni Xanthos, para sa pansariling kapakanan niya.
"Listen, Zakarius."
I looked at Zachariah, he's staring at those lads that he kept, they are currently training right now. They are now practicing how to use gun, how to fight, and how to defend themselves just like what I have gone through.
"You will lead those boys someday, you will lead and help them reach their goals. You will be the leader of the most powerful organization and you will be feared by everyone," Zachariah said and tapped my shoulder. I just nodded and remained silent.
Is that what I really want? Do I want to be the most powerful and be feared by everyone? I don't know what I truly want, or maybe, I just don't care anymore.
"Killing is part of the process in reaching your goal, you have to get used to it," Zachariah said with no hint of emotions in his blue eyes.
I was stunned, I'm expecting this. I know someday, he will teach us how to kill people too. But I don't know, my mind's protesting, but what can I do against Zachariah? Batas ang bawat salita niya.
"What? You want to be a film director?!" Zachariah asked, his voice thundered.
I remained emotionless while looking at him. I want to be a director because I love watching movies, especially indie films. Watching movies makes me feel somewhat relaxed. I can see in the movies those feelings I didn't get to feel.
"Hindi ka ba nahihiya kina Xanthos? Ha?! All of them chose practical facades, ano'ng mapapala mo sa mga palabas na 'yan?!" Halos maglabasan na ang ugat niya sa sentido dahil sa galit.
"Then make him the leader," I said in a cold tone.
As I expected, I received a strong punch from him. I remained calm and wiped the blood on the side of my lips. I sighed and stared at him.
"I'll be a director, Zachariah, whether you like it or not," I said with finality in my voice.
I studied Bachelor of Fine Arts major in filmmaking in a well-known university in Australia for four years and graduated with Latin honors. Zachariah didn't support me financially so I just worked hard by myself. I returned to the Philippines after graduating at the age of 21. I've got a lot of film directing offers at a young age, but I still want to get a master's degree in filmmaking.
I hoped... I hoped that Zachariah will be proud of my achievements that I worked hard for by myself, but I was a fool for hoping that.
Arken studied political science and graduated in University of the Philippines, with Latin honors too... Summa cum laude.
Zachariah was so proud of him, he boasted Arken's achievements not minding what his own son has achieved. He didn't even congratulate me... For the first time in my life, I felt envy. It was painful, my heart was aching.
"What's your plan now, Arken?" Zachariah asked and tapped Arken's shoulder.
"I'll be studying law, I'll run as a politician after graduating in law school," Arken answered coldly. Zachariah smiled widely... he's so proud of him.
"Dude, napapansin ko kapag may misyon tayo, ako yung laging pumapatay," reklamo ni Cadence matapos barilin ang drug lord na misyon naming patayin ngayon.
To be honest, I haven't killed anyone yet. That's why I always take Cadence with me and let him do the killing stuff and Zachariah doesn't know about that.
Zachariah wants us to kill everyone that will be a hindrance to our goal, he wants us to take even those innocent lives which I cannot do... hindi ko maaatim na gawin 'yon.
"Zak! Sa likod mo!" Cadence shouted.
Napalingon ako sa likuran ko. One of the drug lord's men was about to stab me with his knife but I immediately shot him with my gun without thinking.
I just realized what I have done when the man is now lying dead with blood all over the floor. My heart became heavy, it feels like there's something suffocating me... ang hirap huminga.
"Wow, proud of you, bro. First time kitang nakitang pumatay, ang swabe no'n," nakangising sabi ni Cad at tinapik pa ang balikat ko.
I didn't say anything. I remained silent and left him there without saying anything... I killed someone.
I sighed and decided to go to somewhere peaceful... park. Gusto kong maalis ang bigat na narararamdaman ko. I know I should get used to it since it's the reality of the world I live in... but it really feels heavy inside, heavy but empty at the same time. I couldn't understand myself anymore.
I sat on the bench and stared at the sunset. I sighed and closed my eyes, I just want myself gone, I want myself out of this shitty mess... I'm so fucked up.
"Masyado kang gandang ganda sa sarili mo! Bitch!"
I saw group of high school girls few meters away from me. Tila nag-aaway ang mga 'yon, may pinagtutulungan silang isang babae sa gitna.
I sighed and scratched my eyebrow, I don't want to be involved in stuffs like that but I can't take my eyes off them. What are they fighting for? Naaawa ako sa babaeng pinagtutulungan nila... Four versus one, kinda unfair.
"Papansin ka talaga sa mga lalaki, Angel! You're a bitch, siguro bitch din ang Mama mo 'no?!" the other girl shouted and pushed the girl named Angel... poor girl.
I stood up, I can't take this anymore. Tatakutin ko lang nang kaunti ang mga batang 'yon, they shouldn't be bullying someone. Akmang lalapit na ako sa kanila ngunit gano'n na lang ang gulat ko nang halos tumalsik ang babaeng nanulak kay Angel.
"Don't call my Mom a bitch!" the girl named Angel shouted and pulled the hair of the other girl and kicked her abdomen... my lips parted in shock.
Halata namang natakot ang ibang babae sa ginawa niya. The girl named Angel glared at them and was about to punch the other girl but they immediately ran away from her, leaving her alone. My lips are still parted, I was stunned, she's so strong.
I was taken aback when the girl named Angel looked at my direction. Tumingin siya nang masama sa akin saka lumapit din. I inhaled deeply and stopped myself from breathing when she was finally in front of me.
Her hair and her uniform was messy... but she still looks cute. I looked at her uniform's necktie... 3rd year high school. So I think she's around 14 or 15 years old now.
She still managed to look cute even though her hair's messy. Her brown eyes are beautiful, her nose is kinda small but pointed, she has naturally long eyelashes, her eyebrows are thin, she has thin but cute heart-shaped lips and heart shaped face, and her tan skin suits her well... and damn, she smells good too, I can smell her flowery scent right now.
I blinked and turned my gaze away from her. Why am I admiring a high school girl? Wala na yata talaga ako sa tamang pag-iisip.
"Nakita mo ng nabu-bully ako but you did nothing!" the girl named Angel shouted. My eyes widened, I looked at her in disbelief. What?
"H-ha?" I asked. Fuck. Did I just stutter?
"You don't have concern sa mga naaapi like me! Do you even have balls, Sir?" she asked and raised her eyebrow. I blinked once again and gulped.
Why am I nervous? She's just a high school girl for heaven's sake.
"S-sorry, but I think you handled them so well, I-I almost thought you're a gangster," I muttered.
Naningkit ang mga mata niya sa sinabi ko. She just rolled her eyes at me and stomped her feet on the ground.
"Whatever!"
Pagkasabi no'n, tinalikuran na niya ako saka umalis. Doon lang ako nakahinga nang maluwag. I took a deep breath and touched my tightening chest... What's wrong with my heart? My knees and my hands are shaking too.
ZACHARIAH DIED in a car accident... but oddly, I didn't cry.
"Tsk tsk tsk, patay na si Zachariah, nakakalungkot naman," Cadence said while shaking his head and puffed on his cigarette.
I remained emotionless while staring at him inside his coffin. I don't know what to feel, I don't know why I'm not crying, am I still a normal person?
"I'll go out," I said and left the headquarters.
Nagpunta ako sa park na pinuntahan ko last time. I sat on the bench where I sat last time and stared at the night sky.
I sighed and closed my eyes, sinubukan kong pakiramdaman kung ano ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. And then I realized, my heart is aching. It feels like something is stabbing my heart... masakit pala.
I bit my lower lip and opened my eyes as my vision became blurry. Zachariah is heartless, Zachariah never treated me like his son, Zachariah never show me his love amd affection... but he's my only family. I have nothing left now.
I failed to protect Zachariah... I wish I have told him that I love him, sana nagawa ko man lang sabihin na mahal ko siya bago siya nawala.
I sobbed and wiped my tears. My chest feels painful... I'm now alone... I'm scared.
Natigilan ako nang maramdaman kong may umupo sa tabi ko. I instantly wiped my tears, napatingin ako sa babaeng umupo sa tabi ko.
The girl named Angel.
"Why are you crying, Sir?" she asked. I blinked because her voice is different from the last time... mukhang naaawa siya sa akin, I can see it in her brown eyes.
I avoided her gaze as my knees instantly weakened. She saw me like that, it's embarrassing.
"I-I'm not."
She took a handkerchief from her bag. Lumapit siya sa 'kin at marahang pinahid ang pisngi ko. I was stunned, my eyes widened as my lips parted. I looked at her, our eyes met.
"I'm sorry for being rude last time, umiiyak ka ba dahil naalala mo 'yon?" she asked innocently. She seems worried about me and it makes my heart flutter.
I shook my head in response.
"No, I-I just... I just want to cry," I said and turned my gaze away from her again.
I suddenly want to ask why she's still here at this time but I'm embarrassed, baka isipin niya na masyado akong nakikialam.
"Why are you crying? There must be a reason," she mumbled.
"You must not talk to strangers," sabi ko na lang. Napatingin naman siya sa akin.
"What's your name, Sir?" she asked.
Should I answer that?
"Zak."
She just nodded and gave me a small smile.
"I'm Angel," pagpapakilala niya.
I know.
Natigilan ako nang hawakan niya ang braso ko, she made me face her. She smiled at me and held both of my cheeks and gently pinched it.
"Kuya Zak, I know you cried because of some reason that I don't know, but you can do it. Cheer up." She pinched both of my cheeks again. "Squishy squishy," she muttered.
Squishy squishy? What's that?
That night, she cheered me up. Her name suits her so well... she's an angel who saved me with her simple gesture.
WHEN ZACHARIAH died, I honestly want to end the organization for I don't want to continue this shit anymore. I don't want to lead them... don't want to become like Zachariah.
But looking at those men, some of them has a serious purpose for joining this ridiculous organization, like Xanthos... They need feroci, feroci is their hope.
Wala na akong nagawa kundi ang patakbuhin ang feroci, marami akong binago... but I think I handled feroci better than Zachariah.
"My number one rule, don't kill innocent people." Halatang natigilan sila sa sinabi ko.
"That's impossible, we can't say if someone is innocent or not," Dravis said and smirked.
"If he or she is not part of the mission, spare his life... that's it, Dravis," I said coldly at him.
Ever since I became the new leader, I didn't come to that park again. I can't be swayed, feroci's future depends on me.
SIX YEARS have passed. Club dei Gentiluomini Feroci is still standing strong, we became more powerful as the years go by. We gained a lot, we took a lot, we killed a lot... and my world became darker... and colder.
Maybe I just have to accept that I need to live like this for the rest of my life.
I became a successful film director, all of the feroci members became successful with their career too... but we don't call it like that, we call it our facade.
My plan for my future is clear... That is to live like hell and wait for the moment I die. I'll just live like this for the rest of my life... but then I saw her again, the girl named Angel. But this time, she's now a beautiful woman, she's not a cute girl anymore.
Nagkaroon kami ng shooting sa university na pinapasukan niya... It's good to see her smiling and laughing with her friend, it seems like she finally found a real friend.
We finally had a time together again on the abandoned building's rooftop. I'm kinda disappointed because she doesn't remember me anymore, but well, six years have passed, I can't blame her.
I became more attached to her as time goes by, I found myself falling in love with her. My day isn't complete without seeing her especially her smile, my day ain't complete without hearing her voice... actually, just looking at her is enough to make my tiredness and my loneliness go away... she gave purpose to my life.
"My Mom is the best mother, kung magkaka-asawa man ako at magiging Mommy rin, gusto kong maging katulad ni Mommy," Angel said and smiled at me.
My heart beats faster seeing her smile like that. Heavenly. Seeing her smile feels heavenly, damn, I'm so in love with her.
"Yeah, you look like a mother," I muttered and turned his gaza away from her.
"What?! Sinasabi mo bang mukha akong nanay?!" naiinis na tanong ni Angel. I looked at her again, I smiled awkwardly at her and nodded.
She looks like the mother of my future children.
Every moment I spent with her was heavenly. She's a real angel who saved me from my dark world... Mahal ko siya, mahal ko si Angel.
"Director Cavalcante!"
May pamilyar na babaeng lumapit sa 'kin, maybe I met her before.
"Hello, direk. I'm Jazelyn Hernaez, Jaze na lang," pagpapakilala niya.
Ah, Jaze, she's Angel's friend. I remember her now.
"Hello," I said and smiled faintly at her.
Maybe, entertaining her approach is the worst decision I've made. Nahiya lang naman talaga ako na hindi siya pansinin dahil kaibigan siya ni Angel. I won't even look at her if she's not Angel's friend.
"I like you, Zak."
My nightmare began, Jaze confessed her feelings for me.
"I can't like you back. I'm in love with your friend." I instantly rejected her. I feel bad for her, ako pa ang nagustuhan niya, but I can't do anything about that. My heart only belongs to Angel.
As expected, she was devastated and broken. I thought she will finally stop there but she didn't, she just became more persistent than before.
That's why I decided to finally confess my love for Angel... but it seems like circumstances are really against us.
Jaze saw me killed someone, it was a spy tailing me that was sent by some organization against us. I can't let our enemies know about me, no one knows my identity as feroci's leader except the members. Angel will surely be in danger since I spend time with her... That's why I killed the spy without a blink of an eye.
"Y-you're a killer," Jaze said while looking at the spy I killed, lying on the ground, lifeless.
Damn, it seemed like she stalked me and followed me here. Fuck.
Hindi ako nakapagsalita. I'm nervous, I'm scared, paano kung sabihin niya kay Angel? Matatakot sa 'kin si Angel, kamumuhian niya 'ko... hindi niya ako mamahalin.
I can't kill Jaze, she's innocent... and she's Angel's only friend. What am I going to do?
Ilang gabi akong hindi nagpakita kay Angel dahil do'n. I'm scared, my anxiety is killing me... What if Angel knows about it already?
"Gusto mo bang hindi ko sabihin kay Angel ang nakita ko?" Jaze asked while staring at me. She doesn't even seems scared about the fact that I killed someone.
"What do you want me to do?" I asked in a low tone.
"Be my boyfriend," she said and smiled at me.
I was taken aback with her answer. My forehead creased and my knees weakened. Is she fucking serious?
"You know, Zak. I have a video of what you did that night... Angel will surely believe me," she said and smirked at me.
I know it's foolish, but I let her rule over me because of that. Nauna ang takot sa puso ko... takot na baka kamuhian ako ni Angel at matakot siya sa akin.
Inisip ko na lang na baka hindi talaga kami para sa isa't isa. She's too good for me anyway, someone like her is too perfect, too heavenly, and I don't deserve someone like her.
Jaze on the other hand, I never treated her like a girlfriend, we've been together for how many years but I don't know why I didn't even like her. Wala akong naramdaman para sa kanya, kahit kaunti.
Angel became a successful actress, and damn, I'm so proud of her... and for the past years, my feelings for her is still the same... I'm still in love with her.
"Wow, dude, fanboy ka pala ni Angel Mendoza," nakangiwing sabi ni Cadence at binuklat ang magazines ni Angel na kaka-deliver lang sa bahay ko.
"Don't touch it." I took the magazine from him.
I know it's weird, but I started collecting her magazines and pictures ever since she entered showbiz industry. Hindi ko rin pinapalagpas panoorin ang mga palabas niya at ang award ceremonies kung saan palagi siyang nananalo.
"Congratulations, my Angel," I murmured while looking at her from afar. She's having her speech because she just won the best actress award, again.
"Damn, this is tiring."
Nakakapagod magbuklat nang magbuklat ng magazines at pictures ni Angel, masakit sa braso.
I sighed and stared at the wall. I'm here inside my secret room where I put my ammunitions. This is one of my favorite place because it's so dark in here.
I looked at the magazines and then looked at the wall again. Doon ko naisipang idikit ang pictures ni Angel para hindi ko na kailangang magbuklat nang magbuklat, nakakapagod kasi.
But another nightmare came... I don't know how Jaze discovered my secret room, she was so mad at me when she saw that.
"So until now, you still love her?!" she asked frantically. Umiyak siya, kahit papa'no, nakaramdaman ako ng awa sa kanya.
"I didn't tell you that I stopped loving her," I said and looked at her coldly. Kailangan ko na siyang diretsahin dahil wala siyang aasahan sa akin.
"H-how about me, Zak? All those years that we spent together... wala lang ba sa'yo ang mga 'yon? Pinaasa mo lang ba ako?" lumuluhang tanong niya.
"You know, you are aware that I feel nothing about you right from the start. I never told you that I love you, I never showed you affection... kaya hindi kita pinaasa, Jaze."
Jaze left my house crying that day, but days after that, she texted me that she will take a break and leave, but she'll tell Angel about the fact that I kill people and about my secret room once she came back.
"What will she react if she saw this? What do you think, Cad?"
Cad's mouth agape when I showed him my secret room. Napangiwi siya saka napatakip sa bibig niya.
"Putang ka-creepy mo, dude. Kung ako si Angel, matatakot talaga ako sa 'yo," napapailing na sabi niya. Mas lalo akong kinabahan.
"What's so creepy about that? Napagod lang naman ako magbuklat palagi," pagdadahilan ko. Cadence laughed and tapped my shoulder.
"Dude, ano'ng iisipin mo kapag nakita mo akong may secret room tapos punong puno ng pictures mo?" tanong niya. My forehead furrowed.
"Fucking creepy," I mumbled and pushed him away from me.
"Exactly, creepy 'di ba? E, hindi naman kayo close dalawa. Maliban na lang kung mag-jowa kayo, baka medyo kiligin pa 'yon, kaso hindi, e. Kabahan ka talaga kapag sinabi ni Jaze kay Angel ang tungkol diyan, baka mas matakot pa siya riyan kaysa sa katotohanang pumapatay ka ng tao, e."
I sighed and massaged my temple.
"You have to find Jaze, Cad. Babayaran kita kahit magkano." Napangisi si Cad sa sinabi ko.
"Sure thing, boss."
KIDNAPPING ANGEL wasn't part of the plan. Hindi ko alam kung ano'ng pumasok sa isip ko at ginawa ko 'yon. Alam kong kapag bumalik si Jaze, ilalaglag niya rin naman ako kay Angel... kaya bahala na.
I just showed her who I really am, I showed her that I'm a killer. I don't know why did I do that. Itinago ko sa kanya ang katotohanan na 'yon nang matagal. Maybe I want her to hate me... gusto kong matakot siya sa 'kin. Gusto kong kamuhian n'ya ako para makalimutan ko na siya pagkatapos nito.
But it feels like all of those years that I distanced myself from her became nothing because she still accepted me even though she discovered that I'm a killer. I want to be with her even just for a few days... I just want to show my love for her for a few days. After that, I'll leave her alone for good, she doesn't deserve someone like me. She deserves a better man... like Castor, perhaps. But things go out of hand when I fell in love with her deeper. Mas tumindi pa ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya, I can't even imagine my life without her now.
Those moments with her were truly magical and heavenly. Mas lalo ko siyang minamahal sa bawat oras na lumilipas.
Jaze came back. She's honestly problematic, she's mentally unstable. She said she'll end her own life and I can't just let her be... I pity her for loving someone like me for a long time. Pinagbigyan ko lang siya ng ilang araw kahit na nasasaktan ako kapag nakikitang nasasaktan si Angel... pero itinigil ko na rin lahat dahil hindi ko na talaga kaya. I want to be with my Angel, only with her. Living without her is like death to me, I love her so much... only her.
"Fine! Hahayaan ko na kayo! Gawin mo na kung ano'ng gusto mo!" Jaze shouted while crying her heart out. Naaawa ako sa kanya pero wala akong magawa, I can't love her back, I will never love her back.
"I'm sorry, Jaze. You'll find a better man for you. Please don't end your life just because of me. Please."
I don't love Jaze, I never loved her but I don't want her to die because of me. Yes, I killed a lot of people but I don't want her to take her life because I can't love her back. She'll have a better life ahead of her... without me.
Before I pursued Angel, I fixed my affairs with feroci first.
"Aalis ka na sa feroci?" Cadence asked, shocked.
"I'm sorry if I have to leave you all... but I really want to be happy this time. I-I can't live like this forever. I need Angel, I need her in my life. I love her so much."
They were quiet for a moment. I was honestly nervous that time. I'm their leader, but I'm the one who left first.
"Do what you want. If that what makes you happy, go for it. But rules are rules, you'll give us all the assets that you've got from our organization. Is that okay with you?" Ashteroh asked while looking at me intently.
I gave them a small smile and nodded. "No problem."
"Ayos! Trilyon 'yang pera ni Zak, e. Ehem guys, hatiin natin nang ayos ha. Walang dugaan," sabi naman ni Cadence.
Napailing na lang ako. Mukhang masaya pa ang mga loko-lokong 'to na aalis na 'ko.
"Alam naman namin na hindi ka makaalis ng feroci dahil sa 'min, Zak. Masyado mo kaming iniingatan at pinahahalagahan lahat pati na rin ang goal namin kaya namin ginagawa 'to. Sorry for taking your happiness away from you. You've been a great leader, you're probably way better than Zacharias. Sobrang laking kawalan ka sa grupo, pero sa pagkakataong 'to piliin mo na ang tunay na magpapasaya sa 'yo," sabi ni Eron saka tinapik ang balikat ko.
Pakiramdam ko naalis ang mabigat sa puso ko nang tuluyan na akong umalis sa feroci. May bago na silang leader, pero hindi na nila sinabi sa akin. Simula ngayon labas na 'ko sa lahat ng transaksyon at mga ginagawa nila.
I pursued Angel after I left feroci, I finally told and showed her how much I love her. I was happy because my feroci friends still support me even though I'm not with them anymore.
Ako yata ang naging pinakamasaya nang sabihin niyang mahal niya rin ako. I never thought I'll be able to feel that kind of happiness even though I don't deserve it.
But I think Jaze will be always the cause of our separation, she's pregnant and she claimed that it was my child. I know nothing happened between us but I couldn't trust my drunken moments.
Jaze wanted us to get married, I instantly disapproved, I can't marry someone I don't love.
"Jaze, I can't marry you. I love Angel, I love her so much. Please, I'm begging you, will you please let us be together now. I-I will support the baby in any ways I can, please, let me be with her now. Gusto ko namang sumaya, Jaze. I've been alone my whole life... Angel gives me warmth, Angel is my home, Angel is my heaven... M-my life will be meaningless without her."
Patuloy na lumuluha si Jaze habang sinasabi ko ang mga 'yon, iyon din ang naging huling laban niya... She finally admitted that the child isn't mine, she finally gave up.
"I'm sorry for causing you pain for the past years, Zak. Sumobra ang pagmamahal ko sa 'yo na napapahirapan na pala kita. I'm sorry... P-please be happy with her, Zak." She finally gave up.
"You too, please be happy, Jaze. I know someone will come and will give you the love that you deserve," I said and smiled at her.
Finally.