CHAPTER 44

Chapter 44

Fresh

“Are you sure you’re ready to go home?” my sister Shiela asked me. Hindi nakatakas ang pag-aalala sa kaniyang mukha habang tinatanong niya ako. She tied her daughter’s hair and kissed her bubbly cheeks before she handled it to her nanny.

“Yes, ate, and it’s been ten years already. I think I am fine now, and besides, I want to take my residency there,” I carefully answered her as I cooked my own food.

For years of staying here in Seattle, I have learned to cook my own food. I didn’t settle with their housemaid here cause sometimes, I don’t like how they cooked their food. There’s this taste that I can’t point out and find in their cooking skills kaya nagsumikap na lang ako na magluto ng sarili kong pagkain.

“You can take your residency here and went home after to proceed for whatever your plan is,” she suggested.

“No ate… I want to take my residency there. I want to work in our hospital,” I told her.

She doesn’t want me to come back to the Philippines because I think she’s afraid I might get sick again. For the past ten years that I lived here in Seattle, it was never easy.

It was my battle all alone. I thought after leaving everything behind, I will be okay—my life would go softly. No… it wasn’t…it wasn’t the case— coming here was never an easy one for me.

I had to adjust to my environment, to the people surrounding me, and to their culture. I also had a hard time coping with myself. I had breakdowns every day… crying because of the pain that inflicted me—because of missing my mother every day and the struggles of adjusting to my environment.

Hindi rin naging madali sa akin ang pag-aaral ko dito. I had a hard time finding friends here to connect with. Adjusting to my professors and especially the education system here. Everything was so foreign to me.

Malayong-malayo sa buhay na kinagisnan ko sa Pilipinas.

For once, Renaissa’s word struck on my mind. That may be, I left to just escape my problem, afraid of facing it, and it came to the point that I questioned my decisions. But thinking of I have gone through all these years—leaving everything wasn’t running.

It’s my way to heal myself.

Kaya ngayong alam ko na sarili na ayos na ako na magaling na ako ay kailangan ko ng harapin ang mga pagsubok na naghihintay sa akin.

This time, I am ready to face it again. I am ready to face them again.

“You can work there after your residency here. It much better to take your residency here in Seattle it’s not toxic, unlike in the Philippines,” she stated.

I place the adobong manok on my plate and serve it to the table before answering my sister, “Ate, I know you’re just being worried about me, but I am totally fine, really, and besides, Ryiouijie is with me, ate so don’t worry anymore.”

I am not blood-related to my sister since her mother was my stepdad’s first wife, but I am thankful because she took care of me all these years. I thanked her for taking care of me in times that I almost lost myself. She was the one who saves me from nearly drowning in the darkness. Without her, I don’t know where my life would be.

“Henzy… you can’t blame me. That place leaves a scar to your heart at baka once na makita mo na naman siya ay baka babalik ka na naman sa simula,” she raised her brow on me as if I am going to make something unforgivable, “and all of your efforts of moving on will turn into waste,” she added.

Huminga ako ng malalim at nginitian siya, “I did consider about that ate, and if we’re going to meet again, I think I can handle it already, and besides, there’s a huge possibility na hindi na kami magkikita pa.”

Well, at least for myself. Malaki rin naman ang Pilipinas ha… It’s impossible for him to stay only in the Philippines, especially if there’s an opportunity waiting for him.

Teka? Bakit ko ba siya iniisip? I am going home for my residency there and not to meet him. My sister was just overthinking pati tuloy ako napapaisip.

She still raised her brows at me, “So naka move on ka na nga?” she asked.

Without a second thought ay agad ko siyang sinagot, “Oo naman! Duh… it’s been ten years already. Why would I be stuck in the past when there’s future that waiting for me.”

Moving on from his love was the hardest one… I keep questioning myself every time on where did I go wrong. Nagkulang ba ako bilang girlfriend niya. Hindi ba sapat ang pagmamahal na binigay ko sa kaniya para lokohin niya ako? Masyado ba akong nagpakampante sa pagmamahal niya at nalunod sa mga pangako niya kaya hindi ko inaasahan na lolokohin niya ako. Yet this is the one and the only question that keeps running on my head.

Am I not enough?

And for the past years, I am trying to move on; hatred for him consume my heart. I was trying to find and look outside the box, thinking that he might have enough reason, but no… there’s no reason for cheating and will never be. Whatever his reason is, it is unacceptable… cause cheating will never be okay…

Even when I still love him, I really did my best to forget about him. Forget everything about us. And those memories that we shared together? I dig them dip deeper into the grave.

“Eh bakit hindi mo pa sinasagot ang manok ko?” bigla niyang tanong, malayo sa pinag-uusapan namin.

Nirolyohan ko siya ng mata at nagsimula nang kumain. She’s been shipping me to Ry starting when I introduced him to her. Ry was one of my close friends here in Seattle. Nagulat nga ako nang malaman na dito niyang naisipan na pumasok sa med school kapariha ng paaralan na pinasukan ko.

University of Washington School of Medicine, that’s the name of our school.

Naging ka batch ko siya sa med school kasi sabay kaming pumasok. I did really pursued my plan before. That before entering med school, I must work on my college degree first. Kaya huli na ako nakapasok sa med-school same as Ry.

Kaya kapag uuwi na ako ng Pilipinas my friends there are my seniors already. After graduating from college and passing the board exam ay pumasok na agad sila sa med school. While I am having my residency there, they might be having their fellowship or pursue their field of specialization.

And starting from med school, Ry was always with me. Through my ups and down in med school ay siya ang nakakita ng lahat ng iyon. Lahat ng mga iyak, tawa at kabaliwan ko ay alam niya lahat. In short he became my boy bestfriend. At simula rin ng pinakilala ko siya kay ate ay wala ring tigil ang pang-aasar niya sa amin.

“Sinasagot? He’s not even courting me. We’re just friends ate that’s all,” I explained to her.

“Friends daw e ba’t sasama sa’yo sa Pilipinas?”

“Kasi gusto niya ring umuwi?” pabalang kong sagot.

“Asus… are you that dense not to notice his actions towards you, my dear sister?” she teased me.

Sinubo ko ang panghuling kanin bago ko siya sinagot, “It was just your wildest imagination, ate. We can never be a lover, and to be clear enough for you, I forbid myself in a romantic relationship anymore.”

Pagkatapos ng mga nangyari sa akin ay wala na akong ibang naging ka-relasyon pa. I also forbid myself in a romantic relationship… after what he did to me bumalik na naman ang mindset ko noon sa dati.

Na baka kapag magmahal ulit ako ay masasaktan na naman and I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want to open my heart again into someone, fall for his trapped, and be hurt again. It’s a cycle, and I am tired of running through it.

“What he has done for me was just for a mere friendship ate. Ikaw lang ‘yong nagbibigay ng ibang kahulugan d’yan eh,” I pointed out.

Hindi ko nakikita ang sarili ko kay Ry at sa mga taong magkasama kami ay hindi sumagi sa isip ko na maging ka relasyon siya. Friendship was all I can offer for him, and besides, he never confessed to me or anything. I still remember our last convo in the Philippines that he has someone he likes, and I know for sure until now ay gusto niya pa rin ‘yon.

“Hay nako, Henzy… ang manhid mo nga talaga. Basta siya ang gusto ko para sa’yo at siguraduhin mo lang na hindi ka na babalik do’n sa manloloko na ‘yon ha!”

“Ate, why do you always need to bring him in the topic? And ako? Babalik sa kaniya?” I pointed myself, and then she raised her brows at me, “never… hinding-hindi na ako babalik sa kaniya,” I continue.

“Pero hindi ko na ba talaga mababali ang desisyon mo?”

I sighed and looked at her in the eyes, “It’s now the time to go back ate, and I also miss my friends there. Ten years had passed already, and I am healed.”

After ten years, finally, I can now admit to myself that I am okay… I am healed from the pain. And I am ready to go back, there’s no turning back down now.

“Sa inyong magkakaibigan ay ikaw na lang ang mag re-residency pa. Lahat sa kanila ay nag fe-fellowship na. Kaya panigurado pag-uwi mo doon ay mga senior mo sila sa trabaho.”

“It’s fine with me. Life is not a race,” I simply answered her.

Ry once asked me if I feel envious of my friend’s achievement lalo na lahat sila ay nag fe-fellowship na samantalang ako mag re-residency pa lang. And I answered him that shocked him.

Life is not a race. We have different timelines. I can do whatever I want in my life. There’s no competition when it comes to achieving your dreams cause it’s your own life. And there’s no wrong if you are late while others are in the process of winning.

I am happy for their achievements, and at the same time, I am happy also with myself. Just don’t compare your life with others’ cause you are not the same.

Follow your own pace and not other’s pace. Compete with yourself and not with them.

“Well sabagay… iba-iba ang takbo ng buhay natin. They might be advance than you, but at least you’re still pursuing your dream,” she replied.

“Yeah… and hello? Life is not a race to compete with. There’s no competition between it. It was just a mindset of the people. Kaya talaga kung gustong umasenso ng mga tao ay simulan nila sa sarili nila at ayusin ang pag-iisip,” I shared to her.

Kaya minsan hindi umaasenso ang ibang mga tao dahil sa toxic na pag-iisip. Especially when it comes to a standard. And the most toxic mindset I have ever heard of is to follow society’s standard for you to be successful.

Kaya hindi umaasenso sa buhay ang iba dahil d’yan eh. They are not living to satisfy society. They are living for themselves, so they must satisfy themselves first before anything else.

“So, kailan mo balak umalis?”

“Maybe next week. I am waiting for Ry,” I answered her.

Pagkabanggit ko ng pangalan ni Ry ay binigyan na naman niya ako ng nakakalokang ngiti. Napailing na lang ako at tumayo para kumuha ng dessert sa ref.

“Don’t give me that look ate. I told you, we’re just friends.”

Natawa siya ng malakas bago ako sinagot, “Wala pa naman akong sinasabi ha. Bakit ka nagpapaliwanag?”

“Ewan ko sa’yo ate. D’yan ka na nga aakyat na ako sa taas doon na ako kakain ng dessert ko,” pagpapaalam ko sa kaniya at iniwan siya sa kusina.

She just gave birth to her another child kaya wala siyang duty sa hospital ngayon dahil naka leave siya. Kuya, Frost, her husband, who is an obstetrician-gynecologist, is on duty today. Kaya habang namamahinga pa siya galing sa pagpapaanak ay ako ang pinipiste niya dito sa bahay.

It’s been ten years, Philippines, and I miss the warmth of my home. Kaya excited na rin akong makauwi dahil na mi-miss ko na ang langhap ng Pinas. At siyempre ang mga tao doon.

I will surely miss my life here in Seattle, but I know that I need to go home to a place where everything started.

Nagbukas ako ng viber ko at nakita kong online si Renaissa kaya naman ay siya ang tinawagan ko. It’s 9:03 pm in the Philippines, while here it is 6:03 am. Gabi na roon kaya ano kayang ginagawa ng babae na ‘to doon.

I’m pretty sure she’s on her duty.

Palagi ito ang set-up namin simula no’ng umalis ako. Sa viber na lang kami nag-uusap kasi dine-activate ko ang ibang social media accs ko. Kaya nag install na rin sila at nasanay na sa bagong pamamaraan ng pakikipag-usap ko sa kanila.

I tap the call button and wait for her to answer my call. Nang makasagot na siya ay ang pagod niyang mga mata ang bumungad sa akin.

“Para kang multo sa mukha mo, Renaissa,” bungad ko sa kaniya.

She yawned in the camera and pouted, “I’m really tired, Henzy! Ang daming cases na aaralin at isama pa ang mga operation kasama ang mga attending reklamo niya.”

Natawa ako kasi halata na talaga sa mukha niya ang pagod. I’m sure ganito rin ako kapag mag ta-trabaho na ako hospital namin. They are currently working in my father’s hospital nagkakikita pa rin sila araw-araw kaso nasa iba’t-ibang department nga lang sila.

“Pero enjoyable naman diba?”

“Anong enjoy-enjoy ka d’yan! Pagod, Henzy! Pagod!”

“No pain no gain,” simpleng saad ko.

“Tapos na ako sa no pain no gain na ‘yan! Ah! Bakit ba ako nag doctor ulit?” tanong niya sa sarili niya.

“Ahhh kasi gusto kong makasalba ng buhay,” sagot niya rin sa sarili niyang tanong.

“Naks naman… ganiyan dapat ganiyan, Renaissa. Motivate yourself,” sabi ko sa kaniya habang nginunguya ang mango float na dessert ko.

Starting from med school up to where we are now, it was an unending struggle. The idea of saving lives is good motivation to continue my passion, but the battle inside it was unexplainable.

Kaya saludo ako sa mga doctor dahil kung hindi dahil sa tiyaga at paghihirap nila ay mga taong naisasalba sila.

“Ba’t ka pala napatawag?” seryoso na niyag tanong at tiniklop ang librong hawak niya. I saw the cover page and it is somehow related to what her chosen field of specialization is—neurosurgery.

“Bawal ba tumawag?” pabalik kong tanong.

“Oo bawal kasi busy ako!” she jokingly stated.

“Sige, bye! End call ko na ‘to,” pabiro ko ring tugon sa kaniya.

“Seryoso kasi, ano miss mo na ako? Umuwi ka na kasi dito,” she pouted.

“Di ba dito ka mag re-residency. Kailan uwi mo?”

“Next week, uuwi na ako d’yan. Hinihintay ko lang si Ry kasi may inaasikaso pa ata siya,” I answered her.

“Iyong totoo, Henzy? May namamagitan ba sa inyo ni Ry?” naniningkit niyang tanong sa akin.

I immediately reacted to her accusations, “No! Wala! Ba’t mo naman naisip ‘yan ha?”

“Wala lang. Napansin ko lang and kita ko kasi sa mga Instagram post niya minsan palagi kang kasama sa picture.”

“Nako mga utak niyo may sira. Ry and I are just close friends ‘yon lang at walang namamagitan sa amin. Ano ba kayo,” kunot noo kong sabi sa kaniya.

“Chill, Henzy… Hindi naman kita ishi-ship sa kaniya eh. Basta ngayon gusto ka lang namin makita. Grabe sa sampung taon hindi ka talaga umapak dito sa Pinas ha.”

“Well nasanay na rin kasi ako dito at isa pa, hindi pa ako handa sa mga panahon na ‘yon.”

“Eh ngayon? Handa ka na ba? Handa ka na bang harapin ang lahat?” she raised her brow at me and asked seriously.

“Never been this ready, Renaissa. Kaya excited na rin akong umuwi dahil gusto ko na rin mag trabaho d’yan at makita kayo. Senior ko na kayo eh.”

“Well, let’s see… you might be surprised if you’re here na.”

“My life is full of surprises already. Ano pang ikaka surprise ko?”

“Baka lang naman ma sorpresa ka, Basta ang sinasabi ko sa’yo. Expect the unexpected.”

“Henzy! Talk to you later! Gotta go, someone page me! Bye!” Then she ended the call.

I spent my following days preparing for the things I needed to go home. Nakapag shopping na rin ako para sa mga pasalubong ko kay papa at kay Yesha pati na sa mga kaibigan.

Maluha-luha pa si ate na hinatid ako sa pintuan. Akala mo naman ay ihahatid ako sa airport eh.

“Take of yourself, there. Ry ha! Bantayan mo ‘tong kapatid ko!” bilin niya sa aming dalawa.

“Ate naman… kung isama na lang kaya kita sa Pinas? Parang ayaw mo pa akong bitawan eh,” I joked.

“Oh siya… sge na baka ma late pa kayo sa flight niyo. Ry ha? Bantayan mo ‘tong kapatid ko.”

“Roger, ate Shiela. Akong bahala kay, Henzy at makaasa ka,” sagot naman ni Ry na abot hanggang langit ang ngiti.

“Bye na ate! Bibisita ako dito kapag may oras ako at isasama ko si Yesha sa susunod,” I kissed her cheeks before entering in Ry’s car.

Hinintay talaga ni ate na makaalis ang sasakyan namin bago siya pumasok ulit sa bahay.

“Nakapagpaalam ka ba sa iba nating mga kaibigan dito?” Ry asked me while driving his car.

“Oo naman. They wanted to hold a farewell party sana kaso umayaw ako,” sagot ko.

“Why?”

“They must spent their time for their work and not at a party. Alam ko naman na party goer mga kaibigan natin kaya lang iba na ngayon. Busy na ang lahat so…”

“You’re right, though. I’m pretty sure they’re going to miss you,” he told me.

“Ikaw din naman. Mami-miss ka rin nila.”

“Henzy, are you sure you are ready?” seryoso niyang tanong sa akin.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ito ang mga tinatanong nila sa akin. Hindi naman ako uuwi kung hindi na ako handa. Just like what I said, I am ready to face it. I am ready to face what the future awaits for me.

“Pang-ilang beses mo ng tinanong ‘yan sa akin, Ry at alam mo na kung ano ang sagot ko sa tanong na ‘yan.”

“Yeah… but this time, there’s no turning back,” he mumbled.

“Yes… there’s no turning back cause I want a fresh start there,” I answered him.

I want a fresh start in a place that causes me pain.