Chapter 53
The girl
What is love? That was one of the questions my girl classmate asked me when I was still in high school—senior high school.
And that was the question I couldn’t answer properly. I don’t believe in love at my age. I don’t even know what it is feel liked to be loved. I don’t feel it at home. I don’t feel it even to my own family.
Love is something I can’t explain, not because I was in love but because I don’t feel it. That was the hardest question I encounter so far in my life. Mahirap pa sa mga tanong sa klase. And I honestly answered her that I don’t know what love is.
Not until I met her. Not until I realized that I was in love with her, but at that moment, I couldn’t still answer what love is.
“Ky, stop smoking. It isn’t good for your health,” Gwyn annoyingly said to me when she saw me puffing the smoke of a cigarette.
I can’t help but laugh as her angelic face immediately turns into a demonic one when she approached me, bringing her skateboard. Beads of sweat were falling in her face, and the light coming from the sun reflected on her face.
“Sinisira mo ang katawan mo sa ginagawa mo,” she smirked. Kinuha niya ang sigarilyo sa kamay ko at tinapon ito.
“I’m sorry,” I laughed.
“Kaya nga tayo nandito sa skatepark para mag skate at kahit papaano ay matanggal ang pagkaka stress mo. Smoking isn’t a good way to relieve stress, Ky.” This time, I can really see her annoyed face.
She was my best friend aside from my other three guy friends. She became my best friend when we moved here to New York years ago. She knew every part of me. Kilalang-kilala niya na ang buong pagkatao ko. Sa kaniya ako tumatakbo kapag nag-aaway kami ng magulang ko. Kapag may gulo sa bahay siya ang naging sandalan ko.
She was there for me. She was the one whom I can lean on. Not until I realized that I have feelings for her. My feelings grew for her, and it was more than a best friend.
Seeing her every day makes my day complete. Her angelic face, bright smile makes my heart beats faster. It was the moment I knew that I am falling for her.
“Kung maninigarilyo ka lang din naman dito ay mabuti pang umuwi na lang tayo. It seems like you enjoy smoking than skating with me,” may pagtatampo sa boses niya.
“I’m sorry. Hindi na mauulit. Let just skate and enjoy,” I told her and pinch her cheeks.
I am not a heavy smoker. I just smoke when I am stress. It gives me relief even when I know that it isn’t good for my health. But every time that Gwyn caught me smoking, I feel very guilty. Kaya lumalayo ako sa kaniya kapag gusto kong manigarilyo pero ngayon ay nahuli niya ako.
Skating was one of our favorite hobbies, and whenever we have free time, we skate. For her, it was one of her stress relievers, especially that she’s going here to the big university in New York. The pressure was on her.
“Show me your last 360 dolphin flip, Gwyn! Come on! Show me what you’ve got!”
“You’re really challenging me, huh?” she smirked and flipped her skateboard.
“ I wanted to see if you really learned what I taught you. This is the last time that we skate together, so come on! Show me what you’ve got!” I encouraged her.
“Kung di lang kita mahal. Tsk. Tsk,” iling niya.
She started flipping her skateboard, preparing to do one of the most complicated tricks I taught her. I prepared my phone to video her as this was the last time I played with her before moving back to the Philippines.
I was amazed when she perfectly flip the board 360 and immediately balanced her body to the board. I was all smiles when she goes back to where I was standing.
“See that? You think I couldn’t do it, no?”
“I thought you will fail again,” I joked.
She raised her brow at me and grinned, “Magaling ata ang best friend ko magturo kaya paano ko ‘yon hindi magagawa? I mindfully take note of every step you taught me that’s why.”
“Let’s go. Hatid na kita sa inyo.”
I am in love with her, yet she wasn’t in love with me. She’s in love with my cousin, and I respect that. I confessed, and as I expected, I got rejected by her, but still, I was glad that our friendship didn’t lose. It was painful for me. To see and hear from her how happy she was when Christoph finally acknowledges her feelings.
And as her best friend I should be happy about that.
“Don’t hurt her, Chris. I am warning you,” I told my cousin when I was told to fetch him out of the bar.
I caught him dancing flirtatiously with the western girl. Magkalapit na magkalapit ang katawan nilang dalawa. I almost punch him as soon as I grabbed him from the girl. He’s too drunk to recognize everything around him.
“You love her couz. Bakit hindi na lang ikaw ang ipakasal sa kaniya? Bakit kailangan ako pa?” his words were slurry, but I can still recognize it.
“May babaeng mahal ako pero bakit hindi nila ‘yon maintindihan? I don’t love Gwyn! I don’t want to marry her! May mahal akong iba!”
“Kaya ka ba naglalasing ngayon sa bar dahil sa iniwan mong babae sa Pinas? Tsk. If you really love her, you should fight for her, yet here you are in New York partying with girls instead of fighting for your girlfriend there,” I remained calmed as I stated those words.
I focus on driving while he was blabbering words out of his drunkenness. I wasn’t close with Christoph. Ngayon lang kami nagkaroon ng ganitong interaksyon dahil ikakasal na siya at sa babaeng mahal ko pa. I respect their relationship, so he should respect Gwyn.
Hindi ako nagpaubaya sa pagmamahal sa kaniya para abusuhin niya lang ng ganito si Gwyn.
“How can I fucking fight when I am powerless?! Everyone was controlling me!”
“That’s why you ghosted your girlfriend there? Iniwan mo siya sa ere di’ba? Iniwan mo siya ng hindi niya alam ang rason?”
“You don’t know anything…” Tila nahimasmasan siya sa sinabi ko at galit na galit na binalingan ako.
“Yeah, I don’t know anything because my best friend that was your fiancé, was the one who was always updating to me.”
“You know what… you’re coward for doing that to your girl. You leave her without a proper explanation. You hurt two girls with your stupid decision,” I bluntly said.
Nakarating na kami sa bahay na tinutuluyan nilang dalawa. My heart aches at the thought of them living together. But I know I have to accept the truth that no matter how I love her, she wouldn’t still choose me.
For her, I was just her best friend.
“You don’t need to have the power to fight for the one you love. Because if you truly love her, you will fight for her no matter how the world would be against you.”
He laughed mockingly, “Then why won’t you marry her? Kung gusto mo naman pala siyang ipaglaban?”
“That’s because I respect her feelings for you. I can fight with her, but she’s not willing to fight with me because she loves you. I hope you will realize that,” kalmado ngunit may diin sa bawat salita ko. “kasi kung ako lang mahal ng babaeng papakasalan mo. I am willing to do anything for her.”
Tumawa siya ng mapakla sa akin kahit na lasing na, “You’re coward too. You fall in love with your best friend, and yet you’re not fighting for her.”
“I won’t fight for the battle that I know I will lose at the end. It’s not worth it,” I said seriously.
While I am falling for her, I already know what would be the consequences of my action. I know that even if I fight for her, I am not going to win. Her heart belongs to someone else.
I don’t fight for the things that I know it’s not worth it. My feelings were one-sided, so even if I fight for her, I will still not be happy.
All I can do was to be happy for what her heart really whisper.
“ You and your girlfriend were in love with each other. So, don’t give me the reason that you’re powerless for not fighting for your girl when the truth is you’re just a coward,” I lastly said before I gave him to their bodyguard.
That was my last interaction with Christoph before they were preparing for their wedding plans. May mga balita akong naririnig galing sa mga pinsan namin na plano nilang magpakasal sa Pilipinas. Gwyn wanted it, and she wants a garden wedding.
“I’m sorry, Ky.” My morning was greeted by her apologizing to me.
She was sitting at the corner of my bed. The glimpse of sadness in her eyes was enough to tell that she has a problem. Napabangon ako kaagad ng wala sa oras dahil sa presensya niya.
“I just woke, and the first thing you’d say is sorry? What happened?” my voice was still groggy.
“What happened? Are you hurt? Sinaktan ka ba ng pinsan ko?” Hindi na ako nag-abala pang mang-hilamos at agad na nilapitan siya.
Umiling siya at tipid na nginitian ako, “No. I am fine. It just I feel like I wanted to apologize to you.”
“Why are you apologizing? Wala ka namang kasalanan.”
“I’m sorry because of me you’re hurt,” she almost whispered and bow her head, “I’m sorry I can’t reciprocate your feelings for me. I’m sorry if I loved your cousin.”
Nasaktan ako sa mga bawat salita na lumalabas sa bibig niya. Sa bawat paghingi niya ng tawad sa akin ay tinutusok ang puso ko.
“You don’t have to. You don’t have to say sorry just because you didn’t reciprocate my feelings for you. It wasn’t your obligation to do that, Gwyn. It wasn’t your responsibility. Just be happy for yourself and for your decision, and as your best friend, I am always here to support you,” I smiled and hugged her tightly for the last time.
“I am glad our friendship didn’t lose in the process of falling for you,” I added.
And that was what I am thankful for. My family was busy preparing for the wedding of Christoph and Gwyn. Even my parents were happy for the both of them kahit na malayo pa ang kasal kasi nandito pa sila sa New York.
My mother even compared me to Christoph for marrying a delicate woman and she wanted me someday to marry someone like her—but I know better she wants me to end up with Joana.
“If you will marry Joana someday, I will be the happiest mother of the world, Ky. Joana is a girl you could ever dream of.” This was one of the topics I want to avoid as much as possible whenever we gather during dinner.
Our family doesn’t have a Chinese blood pero hanggang ngayon ay gusto pa rin nila ang fixed marriage kagaya ng ginawa kay Christoph. And I hate it. I don’t want to break our family rules, but if this will continue, I am sorry, and I will be the one to break it.
“Joana was just a close friend, mom,” I honestly told them.
My dad and my one only sister, Khlea Rhey was silently listening to our conversation. I looked at my sister, who is pale and thin because of her sickness. Nang mapansin niya akong nakatingin sa kaniya ay binalingan niya ako at nginitian.
“A friend can also be a lover,” she raised her brow at me and grinned.
I avoided my gaze and silently ate my food. I don’ want to have a fight with her again. Nakakapagod na. I don’t even remember the last time I had a peaceful dinner with them. Simula noong sinabi ko ang gusto kong kurso sa kanila ay palagi na lang kami nag-aaway.
“You try it, Ky. Get closer with Joana. I’m sure you will fall with her. She’s an engineering student, and if you marry her she will be a big help in our firm.”
“I tried engaging a relationship with her when we were in high school, and it doesn’t work. So stop it, ma.”
“You’re still in high school that time! Iba ngayon na college na kayo! You can try again, Ky.”
I keep my mouth shut and silently finished my food. She has too many dreams for me. She wanted me to be in engineering while I wanted to enter the field of medicine. They keep pressuring me all the time to shift courses. Kahit na nasa second-year college of nursing na ako ay hindi pa rin nila matanggap-tanggap na pag me-medisina ang pinasok ko at hindi ang mga yapak nila.
That’s why they keep on linking me with Joana because she enters the field of engineering. And the support I’ve been wanting them to give never happened.
“Ano? Uuwi ka ng Pilipinas?! Anong gagawin mo doon ha?!” my mom shouted when she caught my online ticket from going home.
I had it book online for them not to know about it, yet unfortunately, she caught me. I wanted to go home. I wanted to be free from them. I wanted to be free in this dark cage where darkness will always consume me.
Sa gilid ng aking mga mata ay nakita kong sumunod si Daddy para alamin kung bakit sumisigaw ang kaniyang asawa. Kahit na nangangaligti na sa galit ang aking ina ay nanatili pa rin akong kalmado.
“What happened?” my dad asked mom.
She breathed heavily, her eyes narrowed due to anger, and pointed at me. “Itong bastardo mong anak! Gustong umuwi ng Pilipinas!”
“Calm down.”
“How can I fucking calm down? Iyong anak mo nagbabalak lumayas! Iiwan niya tayo dito!”
Nakatayo lang ako at blankong nakatingin sa kanila pinag-aawayan ang plano kong pag-uwi sa Pinas. Tinago ko ito sa kanila dahil alam kong hindi nila ako papayagan. They will caged me here and control me like a puppet.
I wanted to be free. I want to change environment where I could focus on myself and my studies.
“You’re not leaving. You will stay here,” she said with finality before storming out in the living room.
Kinuyom ko ang kamao ko dahil sa sinabi niya. She’s my mom and I don’t want to disrespect her pero tao lang din naman ako napupuno din. Kahit na gusto-gusto ko ng sumigaw ay kinalma ko pa rin ang sarili ko.
And just like that hindi ako natuloy sa pag-uwi. I was hoping my dad could do something about it pero umasa lang ako sa wala. I spent my second year college still here in New York. The only hope I had is the wedding of Christoph and Gwyn, yet something happened between them, and it was moved again. And I almost lost hope from coming home.
Sa lugar na ito ay ang tanging kakampi ko lang ay ang kapatid ko. I went to her room and saw her watching something on her phone. Kakauwi ko lang galing sa paaralan dito at sa kaniya agad ako pumunta.
She has heart disease. Her heart is failing, pero ayaw niyang magpa-opera. She wanted me to operate on her someday. She said, she will wait for me till I become a doctor. Pero alam kong impossible iyon. Her heart is failing, and it needs immediate care.
If she will wait for me she will die.
“Khlea,” I softly called her.
“You’re home,” she smiled.
“How are you feeling?”
“I’m fine, kuya don’t worry about me,” she assured.
“You sure?” I asked again.
“Yes kuya. I am fine. Ikaw ang dapat kong tanungin kung kamusta ka na? I heard you fighting with mom again.”
“Don’t worry about me, Khlea. I can handle mom,” I assured.
“You want to go home, right?”
I nodded. I didn’t keep it a secret from her. Aside from Gwyn, my sister also knows what I wanted to do. My sister is my strength when there are times I wanted to give up already. Every time I see her innocent face, there’s always a little hope that glistened on me.
“You’re not happy to be with us?” the sadness in her eyes becomes visible.
“I am happy, Khlea. I am happy beside you…it just that…” Hindi ko matuloy-tuloy ang dapat sabihin dahil ayaw ko siyang makitang umiyak.
She loves mom and dad. Kaya ayaw niyang nag-aaway kaming tatlo, and every time we fight, she will always cry.
“Take a rest Khlea. I assured you, Kuya is happy,” I kissed her forehead before I leave her room.
I’m sure she will understand why I wanted to be out of this place.
It’s my parent’s wedding anniversary and they held a simple party for this. Only our family and close friends were the ones who were invited.
Nakadalo ang pamilya ni Joana at masaya silang nagtatawanan ng aking pamilya. Nasa gilid lang ako at nagmamasid sa mga bawat pangyayari.
“Bro,” Xypheir tapped my back as soon as he saw me.
“I heard from Khlea, gusto mo raw bumalik ng Pinas,” he sipped on his wine.
Tumango ako sa kaniya at ininom din ang wine ko.
“Tutol si Tita at Tito?”
“Tsk. Kailan pa ba sila sumuporta sa decision ko?” sabi ko sa kaibigan at nginingitian ang mga kaibigan ni mommy na napapadaan sa pwesto namin.
“Hindi ba nagsasawa si Tita at Tito sa pagmumukha mo? Daig mo pa ang babae sa pagkakaroon ng strict parents bro.”
“I sometimes wonder if they ever consider your feelings before they make a decision,” dagdag niya pa.
“You think they ever think of me whenever they decide for my future? Lumala ang galit ni mommy sa akin ng sinuway ko ang kagustuhan niyang maging engineer ako. And starting that day, we would always fight.”
“Kaya gusto mong bumukod? Para maging malaya ka na? To finally have your own freedom?”
Yes… I choose the path where I can see myself in the future. I choose to be in medicine because I see myself as someone who saves lives and not the one who builds houses, buildings, or what. Sadly, my family doesn’t understand that.
They want me to be successful based on what they wanted for me and not what I wanted for myself. I was craving for their support in me, but sadly they never gave it to me. They will only support me once I follow the path they prepared for me, which I couldn’t give to them.
And starting I disobey their orders, my freedom for myself has also been taken away. I couldn’t live happily with them. I only feel miserable. Endless fights with my mother for the reason that I couldn’t agree with her —for my father who can’t also fight with me because they have the same desires for me.
My family is not supporting me for my dreams, and that’s the truth.
“I can help you with your plan, bro. Trust me, I got this,” he tapped my back lastly before leaving me. Nakita ko sa si mama kasama si Joana na papalapit sa pwesto ko.
Joana was wearing a simple red backless dress, and her hair was in a neat bun. Malaki ang ngiti ng aking ina nang namataan na niya ako.
“Ky! Joana is here! Go and entertained her,” bungad niya agad sa akin.
I don’t want to start a fight with her, so I did what she wanted me to do. But it was the other way around. I keep on listening to her stories. To her tragic childhood and how her mother became a mistress. I think she’s kinda drunk as she spills something so private about her life.
“You’re drunk already. Come on, I’ll take you to your parents.” I carefully assisted her. I put my hands on her waist and her other hand at the back of my neck.
Hindi ko mahanap ang mga magulang niya kaya ay pinasok ko na lang siya sa loob ng bahay at dineresto sa guestroom namin. Pagkapasok ko ay dahan-dahan ko siyang sinalampak sa kama and before I could let her go she spit a something.
“I’m envious of my half-sister,” she said before she close her eyes.
Kinumutan ko siya bago ako lumabas ng kwarto at naabutan ko si Daddy na papalabas din sa kanilang kwarto. He looks problematic based on his face.
“Dad,” I called.
Tinanguan ko lang siya at bumaba na nang bigla siyang nagsalita.
“Can I talk to you, son?”
This feels weird. I never had a proper talk with my father or I just forgot when was the last time I had a talk with him. Hindi ko na nga maalala kung kailan ang huling bonding naming mag pamilya.
Tanging si Khlea lang ang palagi kong kinakausap pagkagaling ko sa klase ko. Siya lang ang palagi kong kakwentuhan kaya nakakapanibago na gusto ako makausap ni Dad.
“What do you want to talk about, Dad?”
“I heard your conversation with Xypheir earlier,” he started.
I remained still. Deretso lang akong nakatingin sa kaniya. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang tumatakbo sa isip niya. Kung hahadlang ba siya kung susuportahan niya ang tulong ni Xy.
I was just staring at him, waiting to continue his words. “I wanted to tell you that I am going to support you in going home. I contacted manang already and you will stay at your grandma’s house. You don’t need Xypheir help anymore. I know you’re tired of us. So, I will give you the freedom you wanted, Ky.”
“Your plane ticket is ready. You can leave the day after tomorrow. You take care son.”
And that’s where everything started. It was there when met her. The girl who gave me value as a person. The girl who supported me for everything. The girl who never leaves my side and the girl who gave me the meaning of what love is.