Kahit na nawala na isipan ko si Gwyn simula nang umuwi ako dito ay kailangan ko pa ring manigurado sa nararamdaman ko. I don’t want to love her when my heart isn’t done loving someone yet. I don’t want to confess to her when I know to myself that I am having doubts.
Before I would do it, I wanted to make sure everything. I wanted to make sure that I am done clinging to my past—that there’s no shadow left behind. I want it all to be cleared.
She doesn’t deserve to be hurt again cause a girl like her deserves to be loved eternally.
That’s why when our clinical came, and she confronts me in the elevator, I am dumbfounded. Hindi mawari kung ano ang sasabihin sa kaniya.
“Are you in love with me?” she courageously asked about it.
My heart started to pounds so fast. My knees weakened, and my hands were trembling. Aminin ko man sa hindi ay kinakabahan ako sa tanong niya.
Am I? Am I really in love with her? I was still unsure about it, so I decided to keep it for myself and wait for the time. But I can’t resist this girl. She was the reason for the beating of my heart.
I stared at her for a second, and silence enveloped between us. She avoided my gaze, and I can see how nervous she was when she asked me the question.
I thought I was only the one who feels nervous. Siya rin pala. We’re on the same page. Nang ibinalik na niya ang tingin niya sa akin ay may kung anong bumulong sa isipan ko at hinalikan ko ang noo niya.
I felt her stiffened at what I did. I’m sorry love, I can’t resist your charm.
“I don’t know, I’m sorry I don’t know,” I stupidly answered.
Pagkatapos kong sabihin iyon ay bumukas na ang elevator. Na una siyang umalis at ako ay naiwan. Pinikit ko ang mata ko at pinagalitan ang sarili.
“Ang bobo mo Kyzyr. Ang bobo.”
I continue doing my work that day even when my mind was on her. Ano kaya ang iisipin niya sa sagot ko? Nasaktan ko ba siya? Magiging okay pa ba kami pagkatapos nito? Those were the questions I keep asking myself.
Nang napadaan ako sa department nila ay namangha ako kung gaano ka ingat at ka desidido niyang ginagawa ang trabaho namin. The way she takes care of the patients, talk to them, and the patient will eventually comfortable with her presence warms my heart.
Her dedication and passion for her dreams will make her successful, and I am sure of that.
She’s not just a normal girl I fall into. She’s the girl who influenced me so much in life—to be positive, passionate, and gave your best in doing your job—when reaching your dream. She influenced so much in me.
She inspired me to do my work. Actually, she always inspired me.
She became my inspiration in pursuing what I wanted. She became the star of my lonely and dark life. And that’s what makes her the best for me.
She lights up my once dark and monochromatic life.
And because of her, I was eager to pursue my dreams in life.
“Confess your love before everything is too late,” Gwyn frankly told me.
We talked once and asked me how my life is. After their wedding, I settle everything with my cousin. And after their wedding ay bumalik na rin sila sa New York.
“You won’t fall for her if you haven’t moved on from me. You’re better than this, Ky. Come on!” she encouraged me.
And that’s when I realized that what she said was true. I just keep on denying it because I am scared and scared that I might leave hanging again after I confess. And I just made my feelings for Gwyn an excuse to myself.
“Halata naman sa’yo. Helping people is one of your dreams,” I said.
She shared with me how she enjoys working, even if it was just our clinical. It’s no doubt. There’s always a satisfying and happy look on her face after our work, no matter how tiring it is.
Kaya kahit na pagod ako kapag nakikikita ko ang mukha niya ay nagiging okay na agad ako. It’s cheesy to say this, but she’s like a virus to my system. Madali niya akong mahawaan sa lahat ng mga bagay.
“Ikaw ba? Ano bang pangarap mo?” tanong niya.
“Just like you, being a doctor is my dream,” I answered her.
And that was because her younger self inspired me to pursue this dream. I remember when my nanny dies—the only one who’s being there for me always. My nanny was the one who stands as my family figure, and because of an incident, she died, and that’s where I met her.
We both heard the truth, and that incident leads me to my dream.
Before, my life has no destination. I am a pure puppet of my family. I was caged in darkness. There’s a road waiting for me, yet it was dark, and I don’t know where to go. Not until I feel suffocated living there. I wanted to find my own freedom, or should I say I want to have my freedom.
And that leads me to where I am now. Because of her, my once dark road becomes visible, and I can clearly see where my life will go.
“Hmmm. Let me tell you a story,” I stared.
Remembering the times we spent before, I hope she will somehow realize that I am her childhood playmate.
“My life has no destination. There’s a road, yet I don’t know where to go. Not until this certain someone came into my life. Siya ang dahilan kung bakit ko gusto maging ganap na doctor. I have this incident when I was a child,” I shared.
“Someone special to my heart dies. To me, she’s my family. Siya ang pumuna lahat ng mga pagkukulang ng aking pamilya. She was there all the time. Not until God takes her away from me.”
I remember those times, I had to spent my day with my yaya and because of that I am much more closer to her than to my own family. Kung hindi siya nawala ay baka dito na ako tuluyang lumaki sa Pilipinas at hindi sa ibang bansa.
But it was too late. She died, and after that, we had to migrate to the US.
“Then I met a child who’s the same age as me. She brave and firm,” I chuckled when I remember how she comforts me that time.
I was so vulnerable and weak, and she was my comfort.
“Palagi kaming magkakasama noon. She will always lift me up when I’m down. But one day, I had to move away for a certain reason. Hindi na ako nakapagpaalam sa kaniya.”
“But then, after many years, I met that child again. And she made me realize so many things. She made me find my destination. That someone is the reason why I wanted to become a doctor. I can’t tell you any more details. I want her to realize that she was the one I was referring to,” I flashed a smile.
I hope she will realize that she was the one I am referring to. Yes, she’s one of the reasons why I wanted to pursue medicine. Why I break the rules of my parents. Why I didn’t choose to be an engineer.
And that dream of mine becomes wild when I met her again after so many years. Because of her influence, I am so eager to show to my family that I am capable of pursuing my dream because of her passion.
Pero napailing na lang ako ng hanggang ngayon ay hindi niya pa rin nakukuha kung sino ang tinutukoy ko.
She’s smart, but she may dumb sometimes. My story was obviously telling about her, yet she didn’t even realize that? Or she did really forgot about me?
Pero hindi eh, I always see her wearing the necklace I gave her kaya impossibleng hindi nakalimutan niya na ‘yon.
And because of that, I honestly told her, “She’s brave, but she’s also dumb.”
“Ano pre? Hindi ka pa rin ba nakapag-amin?” Tristan asked.
“Ang bagal mo naman, pre!” segunda ni Andrew.
“Ba’t atat na atat kayo? Kayo ako?” I said without a humor on it.
Tristan laughed and drink the liquor on it. “Dude, Henzy is beautiful. Hindi mo lang alam maraming mga lalaki ang umaaligid d’yan. Sige ka, baka maunahan ka pa,” he teased.
“And remember when you shared that there’s a suspicious guy following her? I’m pretty sure she’s one of he admirer,” Tristan said.
Tristan said alarmed me. There’s this guy who keeps on following her after our school is done. I thought at first it was just nothing, but later on I always noticed that she always keep an eye on her.
He’s not from our school, but the way he looks at her weirded me out.
“He’s wearing the same uniform as yours,” I casually said.
“I will try to find out who he is, bro. Don’t worry,” Andrew tapped my back.
Pagkatapos ng klase namin ay sumabay si Neve at si Renaissa sa pag-uwi. I was following them, but I just keep my distance to them. I want to catch the guy who’s been following Neve.
That creepy stalker.
Nang medyo nakalayo na sila ay doon lang lumabas ang lalaking palaging nakasunod sa kaniya. He’s still the same. He still wears his uniform making me sure that he really came from the same university of my friends.
“Why do you keep following her?”
He jumped on his position the moment I confronted him. His eyes widen, but immediately recovered. He grinned widely at me as if am I a joke to him.
It kinda pissed me off.
“You finally notice me, huh.”
“What are you up to?” malamig ngunit may diin kong sabi.
“I am here to watch her. Chill. I am not a syndicate,” he humorously stated, and seriously, I fucking wanted to punch his face right now.
“Stop following her. You’re a creepy stalker,” I firmly said.
“I’m pretty sure I am not a creepy stalker. Henzy knows me well.”
“Follow her more, and you will taste my fucking precious fist,” madiin kong sabi bago siya iniwan doon.
Palagi akong hindi mapakali sa lalaking ‘yon kaya pagkatapos ng duty ni Neve ay sinusundan ko siyang umuuwi kahit na kasabay niya pa ang kaibigan. Nagiging maayos lang ang pakiramdam ko kapag hindi ko na nakikita ang lalaking ‘yon.
When I am deciding for myself, I don’t’ usually have second thoughts. I am a risk-taker. I often don’t think of the consequences of my decision. I just enjoyed the moment of being there, just like when I bravely break what my mother wants me to become.
But when it comes to her, I get scared of my decision. Just like of what I did today.
Pumunta ako sa apartment niya at pinagluto siya. It’s my favorite things I did for her—ay iyong pinaglulutuan siya. I love doing this, and I love seeing her reaction.
I should come often seeing how her fridge full of unhealthy foods. I don’t want her to die early. She will still be the mother of our child.
Napapilig ako ng ulo sa iniisip. Tanga, Kyzry. Ni hindi ka pa nga nakakaamin tapos ganito pa ang inisip mo?
“Are you over with her?”
She suddenly brought Gwyn into our topic. When she knew that I was in love with her, she asked me if I was over her, but I didn’t answer her. At that time, I know that I am still in love with her, but not today.
I was completely over her, and I clearly know who I’m in love with.
I laughed on her question. She finally asked again ha. “You finally asked that question again, huh.”
“Hmm. Don’t answer if you are not ready.”
“Love is so powerful. It can tear hearts in just a second, however, love can’t heal the broken hearts. The medicine to those people who were destroyed by love is acceptance. And I have long accepted it. Henzy, I just didn’t realize it that’s why I lately recognized my feelings for you.”
“What?” her voice rose up, and her eyes widen.
Kinakabahan ako na sabihin sa kaniya pero wala ng atrasan ‘to. I need to tell it to her and no matter what the outcome will be I will accept it. And if our feelings aren’t mutual, it’s still okay.
I will pursue her until she falls for me. Until I will embrace her in my arms. Until I can finally say that she’s mine.
“I like you, Henzy, and I mean it,” I confessed.
“R-reeve,” she stuttered.
“You don’t have to answer me now,” I said.
But damn, I didn’t expect that she will be avoiding me. I keep on texting her, yet she’s not replying back. Gusto kong pumunta sa apartment niya para makita ko siya ngunit pinigilan ko ang sarili ko.
She’s been avoiding me for days already, and it keeps me crazy. Not seeing her. not being able to hear her voice was already torture for me. But I reminded myself to be patient. She was probably thinking now about what she will tell me.
Oh, Henzy Neve. What have you done to me, and I am this whipped to you.
Kakatapos lang ng duty namin at umuwi agad ako. I am lying on my bed, holding my phone, contemplating if I will text her. Ilang araw na din at hanggang ngayon ay iniiwasan niya ako. Hindi rin ako makakuha ng oras kapag clinicals namin dahil masyadong busy.
At ayaw kong ma istorbo siya sa kaniyang trabaho. Ngayon naman ay nagdadalawang isip pa akong tawagan at i-text siya.
Napabalikwas ako ng tumunog ang cellphone ko. I closed my eyes and prayed silently, hoping that she texted me. Unti-unti ko ng binuksan ang mata ko at pigil hininga kong tiningna ang cellphone ko.
“Pick up Henzy in the plaza. She’s kinda drunk, but she wanted to talk to you. Ayaw niyang papagil.
Ps: take her home before ten am tomorrow
And that message came from her best friend, Renaissa. Adrenaline rushed took down my system, and I went out without thinking properly.
Damn that woman. The audacity to go out this late night, and she’s fucking drunk!
Mabilis pa sa alas kwatro kong pinatakbo ang sasakyan at wala pang sampung minuto ay namataan ko na ang babaeng matagal ko ng gustong makita.
She was obviously drunk. She walks in a zigzag manner. I harshly grabbed her arm and looked at her intensely. Damn… paano na lang pag may nangyaring masama sa kaniya dito? She’s drunk for fuck sake.
“R-reeve,” she stuttered drunkenly. Her face were red as tomatoes and he eyes were out of focus.
“What are you doing in the middle of the night, huh,” may diin sa bawat sabi ko.
Pinasadahan ko nang tingin ang suot niya. She was wearing a loose t-shirt that almost came out as a dress on her. Her legs were damn seductive for those perverts out there. Damn… I don’t want her legs to be seen by other men.
I want it to see only by me and fuck. I sound so selfish right now.
She denied that she was drunk, but I know better. Hinawakan ko ng mahigpit ang kamay niya at pinapasok sa sasakayan. I got permission from her friend to take her away, so I might as well seize the moment.
And that night, she shared something very important to me. Something she struggles with for herself. She shares her struggle with her biological dad. The trauma he left in her heart was no joke.
I thought she had a happy family. The way she tells a story, she seems so happy. But indeed, we don’t know what’s struggling inside them.
Those happy stories she tells to me were a real struggle she deeply feels inside.
And her sister Joana. They were both struggling with their families.
Neve bravely tells it to me. She courageously shared something so private about her life, and I admire her for being strong. That with all of the struggle she stumbled upon to she still stands and fight.
She’s a fighter.
And the moment I heard about it. I already promised myself that I won’t ever cheat on her.
Tumayo ako tumabi sa kaniya. I slowly encircled my arms on his waist. I let her head rest on my shoulder. I caressed her hair. Parang may kung anong bulati ang naglalakbay sa aking tiyan. Kinikilig ako sa ginagawa ko sa kaniya.
That after days of turtoring myself, there she was in front of me. I thought she really avoided me because of my confession, but now that I hear her side I am no longer scared.
I will prove to him that I am not like her father. That I am capable of loving her until my last breathe. That she will be the only girl I will loved like this.
And I am really the happiest man alive when she suddenly pressed her lips into mine. I stiffened on my position of what she did. She kissed me. I didn’t respond at first, but later on she pushed her lips even more and that’s my cue to open my mouth. I let her tounge play on my mouth same as what I did to her.
But that didn’t last long as I pushes myself away. I don’t want to push her limits. And I don’t want to lose control of myself.
My night was ended with happiness when she made it official for us.
And finally she’s mine! I can call her mine and everyday my love for her deeply grow. I am falling really hard for her, and I don’t have plans on crawling up.
Kung sa kaniya lang din naman ako mahuhulog ay mabuti pang sagarin ko na.
Falling in love with her was worth it. Staying by her side was my happiness.
She’s my rest.
She’s my home.
And I wanted her to be my rest and home for the rest of my life.
I promised her everything. I promised not to hurt her. I promised not to be like her father. I promise to love and honor her. Yet, those promises I made to her were shattered into pieces when the chaos in our relationship started.
And it was the day I cursed myself. I failed to accomplished it. I wanted to protect her, yet I failed. Instead of protecting her, I hurt her.
And that day was too miserable for me. When I decided to end our relationship using the things she hates the most, and that’s being cheated on.
I used the dumbest way to make her hate me. To make her cursed me because that is what I believed to protect her.
I failed as a man. I failed as her boyfriend. I hurt her. I break the woman I loved.
While I am seeing her break into pieces, my heart was also shattered into pieces.
No one knows, but I am also suffering.
I am damaged… real damaged.