Chapter 56
Still you
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the sins I have committed to you. I’m sorry because I scarred your heart. I’m sorry because of me you suffered,” namumugay ang mga mata niyang paghihigi ng tawad sa akin.
Hindi ako umimik at iniwas ang mga tingin sa kaniya. The only thing that keeps a sound in this private room is the sound of the ventilator. He needs to stay for at least one week here in the hospital before he got discharged.
Pagkatapos kong malaman ang balita galing sa kaibigan ay dali-dali akong pumunta dito kabado at nanginginig. I thought something bad happened to him. I thought he got into critical condition.
Mabuti na lang at wala siyang ibang taong nabangga kun’di ang puno. Kung hindi man tanga ay magmamaneho ng inaantok. Mabuti na lang din at walang major damage ang nangyari sa kaniya. Tanging gasgas sa mukha at pagkabali ng kaniyang buto sa paa na ngayon ay may benda na.
He asked Renaissa to rest for just two days because he has pending works, patients, and cases, but I refused. I asked my best friend to make it a week to make sure that he really recovered well.
Dr. Caserial will surely understand.
It scared me to death. Natakot ako...natakot ako na baka bigla na lang siyang mawala sa akin. Natakot ako na baka bigla niya akong iwan ng tuluyan. And I hate it.
I hate that I still have these feelings for him. I hate it because no matter how he hurt me back then. How he destroyed me, I still can’t get rid of it. I hate it… I hate that after hearing his side, I slowly melted. Nakakainis kasi sa sampung taon na pag-aayos ko sa sarili ko ay akala ko ayos na talaga ako. I hate to admit the fact that it was my self-defense mechanism.
Na ang buo kong akala ay ayos na ako. Na naka move on na ako sa mga pangyayari. Iyon pala ay hindi…
And why is love has this invisible barrier where you can’t easily destroy. Why does it have to be powerful? No matter how tried to get rid of it, you can’t. You can’t because of the invisible power it holds.
They say love was a beautiful feeling to feel. They say it was magical—a fantastic one. But why do people who love truthfully need to suffer from pain? Why can’t just everyone be happy about being in love, just like how everyone describes it.
Ever since I was young until now, love has never been so good to me. When I thought everything was going well, it will slowly destroy me unexpectedly.
Why does part of being in love is pain? Kapag ba nakaramdam ka ng sakit ay sukatan na tunay ka ngang nagmamahal?
And why is it hard to let go of the person who you truly love? Even if that person destroyed you. Even if that person inflicted pain on you, was it also part of being in love?
Kasi iya pa rin talaga… siya pa rin ang tinitibok ng puso ko kahit na sinira niya ako ng pinong-pino.
And no way I won’t tell it to him… I’ve learned my lesson. Being vocal always about what I feel isn’t good because people might take advantage of that behavior. That’s why I learned to keep it to myself. To keep it private and let that person dig in my inside thoughts and feelings.
“You’re still an asshole,” I said coldly without looking at him.
Suminghap ako at pinunasan ang luha ko. Damn it, Henzy… ang hina mo naman. Ang hina mo kasi isang paliwanag lang ay tiklop ka agad.
“I know. I won’t deny that. I did the most stupid way of making you hate me. And that was the most stupid decision I ever made in my life.”
Inabot niya ang aking kamay at hinawakan ito nang napakahigpit. Like he was longing of it afraid of letting it go. Hindi ko pa rin magawang tingnan siya sa kaniyang mga mata.
Ayaw ko… at baka sa isang tingin lang ay mahulog ulit ako sa kaniya.
“Why didn’t you tell me? Bakit hindi mo sinabi sa akin na ganoon na pala ang nangyari sa’yo?”
Was that really hard to trust me? We’re in a relationship, and we should trust each other. Bakit hindi niya man lang nagawang sabihin ang pinaka importanteng bagay at lalo na ay may kinalaman pa ako dito.
Not all the time, love would be the foundation of the relationship because love alone wasn’t enough. It should have trust. Trust because we’re both in it. Having a relationship was composed of two people. And having a relationship doesn’t mean that you need to handle all the burden.
You should learn to trust your partner. And that was what he failed to do. He doesn’t trust me enough, which leads to what we are now. Kung sinabi niya lang sana sa akin noon pa ay hindi kami aabot sa ganito.
Hindi siya aabot sa ganoong desisyon. All this time, I hated him. I loathed him because I always believe that he cheated on me. Na kagaya lang din pala siya ng ama ko. Na walang pinagbago sa kanila.
He even used my sister, who dearly loves him.
And I see no reason why he should do that if he trusts and believes in me.
“Was that hard to trust me?” I whispered.
“N-neve,” he stuttered.
“I want to protect you,” he reason.
“You think you protected me just because your mother didn’t spread that picture?”
This time I looked at him straightly in his eyes. Tiningnan ko siya ng puno ng hinanakit. Hinanakit na ilang taon kong dinala sa puso ko.
His reason was pointless.
“No, Reeve! It was the other way around. You destroyed me! You left big damage in my heart!” I said, with my voice getting higher.
Hindi siya nagsalita at tiningnan lang ako. May bahid na sakit akong nakita sa kaniyang mga mata. Even though he was hurt, he was still willing to embrace it.
“If you could have told me about that. If you could have trusted me enough, this will not happen to us. I wouldn’t have hated you. You wouldn’t have to use my sister to initiate your stupid plan,” I swallowed the lump on my throat hard, not wanting to cry again.
“I know… It’s my fault. It’s my fault because of what I have done. I damage you because it is what I believed could protect you. Blame me all you want because I deserved it. I deserved your hate towards me. Hate me, and I will still embrace it,” he said softly, still holding my hands tightly.
“Makakaya ko naman iyon Reeve eh. Makakaya naman nating labanan iyon. Kung sana lang ay sinabi mo sa akin ang totoo. All I want was to be by your side. Iyon lang naman, Reeve? Ang selfish ko ba kapag hiniling ko sa’yo iyon?” nanghihina kong sabi sa kaniya.
“I don’t want to ruin your life. I don’t want to ruin your dignity just because of that stupid picture. I want to protect you from being judged by the people who don’t know you— us,” nanghihina niya ring saad sa akin.
Lumunok siya ngunit hindi na niya ito nakayanan at biglang pumatak ang luha sa kaniyang mga mata. His tears were overflowing just like a river. At sa bawat pagpatak ng kaniyang mga luha ay ramdam ko ang sakit.
Umiwas ako nang tingin. Hindi ko kayang makita siyang ganito. Hindi ko kayang makita siyang umiiyak.
“And it’s my fault. It’s my fault that I didn’t tell you about this. I only listen to myself even if Joana told me about this. I didn’t tell you because I wanted to protect you from my mother,” he continued.
“Still…” was all I can say.
“It’s not that I don’t trust you. Believe me, I always trust you. I always believed in you. It was just I am scared of my mother. I am scared because I know what she can do. She can easily manipulate things to be of her will, and I don’t want that to happen to you. I don’t want to add damage to you,” he said, sobbing.
Yumuko siya at mas hinigpitan ang hawak sa aking mga kamay. Waves of tears coming from his eyes were dripping on my hand. I keep silent. I was silently watching him crying as it pains my heart.
A minute of silence enveloped between us before I open my mouth again to speak, “I’m sorry.”
The damage has been done, and everyone was a victim. It’s no one’s fault. Blaming someone won’t help. Tapos na at kailangan na lang tanggapin ang katotohanan na hinding-hindi na mababalik ang nakaraan.
Move on and accept.
Oo galit ako kasi hindi niya nagawang sabihin sa akin ang pinaka importanteng bagay. He kept it to himself hoping to solve it alone. Galit ako sa kaniya at galit din ako sa nanay niya.
Ganoon na ba siya ka desperada sa kagustuhan niyang paghiwalayin kami at nakaya niyang gawin ito sa sarili niyang anak? What kind of mother is she? Because of her, he suffered.
Because of her selfish decision, he damaged his son, not just her son, but also her daughter. Hindi ko akalain na may ganoong klaseng ina. Ina na kayang saktan ang sariling anak.
Pero mas galit ako sa sarili ko. Kasi hinayaan kong mangyari sa akin iyon. Hinayaan ko ang sarili ko na makipagkita sa kaniyang ina ng hindi sinasabi sa kaniya. I lied to him that day. I lied to him that I was with my friends when the truth was I met her mom.
Na nagising na lang ako sa isang hotel. At wala akong alam na kasama ko si Ry sa loob ng hotel na iyon. Kaya pala naabutan ko siya ng araw na iyon na nasa kabilang kwarto ng tinutulugan ko.
I feel betrayed. We’ve been friends for ten years, yet he didn’t even tell me about it?
He didn’t tell me that we were frame-up by Reeve’s mother. Na nagkasama kami sa iisang kwarto. Why did he do that? Bakit niya itinago sa akin ito?
Parte pa ba ito ng pagkakagusto niya sa akin? Cause I see no reason why he had to keep it for himself. If he really likes me he wouldn’t lie to me.
Sana ay sinabi niya sa akin ang totoo. He’s been there. Nakita niya kung gaano ako ka wasak sa sampung taon na iyon tapos malalaman ko na lang na may kinalaman siya dito?
We were both victims.
I let her mother almost molested my dignity. Because of that lie I did, this happens.
“Because of me, you suffered. Kung hindi dahil sa picture na iyon ay hindi sana mauuwi ang lahat sa ganito,” I bowed my head and slowly talked.
“I lied to you that day saying I was with my friends when the truth was I met your mother. She doesn’t want me to tell you about our meeting, that’s why I lied. The same day we met was the same day that I woke up in a hotel,” I confessed.
I bowed my head and bit the lower part of my lips. I don’t know what to feel anymore. Hindi ko alam kung masasaktan pa ba ako sa mga nangyayari sa akin.
It feels like my whole being was already immune from pain. The only I could think of as of now was pity. Pity for myself because I had to suffer from all of these. I had to feel that kind of pain—a traumatic one.
But this pain gets me stronger every day. This pain made me realize that I was still fighting up until now. That giving up was never in my vocabulary.
This pain taught me to be stronger and molded me into who I am today.
“I’m at fault too. If I haven’t lied to you. If I only tell the truth, then this wouldn’t have happened to us. I’m sorry, Reeve. I’m sorry because of me you lost your sister. You lost your family,” I sincerely apologized.
When I can’t hold it already, my tears started to flow as it has their own minds. We both lost our special ones.
I lost my mother while he lost her sister on that exact day—both of us were tormented by pain.
He shook his head, still, his tears won’t stop. Napahagulhol siya at sa bawat hagulhol ay katumbas ng sakit na nararamdaman niya. Na tinatago niya sa kaniyang sarili sa ilang taon ang lumipas.
Joan was right. He lost everything. He lost his sister, were his everything to him. While I was busy picking up myself, he was suffering.
“It’s all my fault. I lost both of you,” nanginginig niyang sabi.
I didn’t speak and let our tears express our pain.
We both suffered. We both made the wrong decision. We both face the consequence, and the most important thing is we both learn from them.
I feel completely drained. I wasn’t in the mood to drive to go home. I spend my rest day still at the hospital and in his private room where he was confined.
Hindi niya rin ako pinaalis nang makita niya ang pagod sa aking mga mata. He offered to let me sleep beside him, but I refused. Ano siya? Sinuswerte? Hindi dahil nagkaliwanagan na kami ay ganoon na lang kadali ang lahat para bumalik sa dati.
I looked at the wall clock and saw that it was already 7:00 pm. Gabi na pala at hindi ko man lang iyon na namalayan. Sa ilang oras kong pananatili dito sa silid niya ay ilang oras niya rin hindi binitiwan ang kamay ko. Wala pa nga siyang balak bitawan ito kung hindi lang pumasok ang nurse para tanungin ang kalagayan niya.
I am a doctor also, but today I am not. Hindi ako naka duty kaya hindi ko siya responsibilidad. Responsibilidad siya ni Renaissa. Pasyente niya si Reeve ngayon kaya ganoon.
“Neve…” he called.
“Hmm?” I hummed. I was peeling the orange brought by Renaissa earlier when I asked her to bring me food.
Ngayon ko lang napagtanto na hindi pa pala ako kumakain simula kahapon at tanging kape lang ang ininom ko ng nagkita kami ni Joana kanina.
“Are you mad at your sister?” he asked carefully.
Hindi ako nag-angat nang tingin at patuloy lang sa pagbabalat ng orange.
“I don’t know,” I answered truthfully.
Now that I know the truth, I don’t know what to react or feel towards her. Should I be happy and thankful because he helped Reeve these years? She was there with him. Siya ang nalalapitan ni Reeve sa mga panahong walang-wala siya.
I misjudged her.
“She likes you,” I added.
“She liked me before,” he corrected.
“Bakit ngayon hindi ba?” Inangat ko ang tingin sa kaniya at tinaasan siya ng kilay.
He chuckled deeply and stole the orange from my hand at sinubo ito ng walang pagdadalawang isip, “She’ll be cheating with her husband if she still has feelings for me.”
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko at napaawang ang bibig sa narinig sa kaniya. “She’s married?!” I asked, shocked.
May halong nakakalokong ngisi ang mokong bago ako sinagot, “Yes. She’s married, love.”
Love? When did I permit him to call me love? Ni hindi ko nga alam kung ano magiging estado namin pagkatapos ng lahat ng ito.
I composed myself. Inirapan ko siya at kinuha ang mansanas at kinagat ito. “Wala akong pake. You still used her. You used her weakness.”
“I know, and I am stupid for doing that,” he admitted.
For the first time, I am lost for words. Hindi na ako umimik at kinain na lang ang mansanas. I almost choked at my food when he suddenly lifted up my chin. His fingers were tracing my face slowly and carefully like I am a fragile glass.
My heart almost jumped from my body when he stated, “You never left in my heart, Neve. It’s still you always and forever.”
And I am stupid to admit to myself and to him that it’s also still him.