Chapter 57
Chance
“Can you wrap up this for me?” Dr. Caserial said.
“Yes. I will, Doc,” I accepted. He took a step backward, and I changed position with him. The nurse took off his scrub suit and stormed out into this room.
We almost lost this patient today if it wasn’t for the potential of Dr. Caserial and for the team. I almost lose my senses earlier when I saw the vitals of this patient, and she was barely breathing. Nang dahil sa kapabayaan ko ay malapit na siyang mawala sa amin.
“Dr. Caserial is indeed the master of the Cardiology department,” an intern said as she assisted me in suturing the patient.
“If it wasn’t for him, we almost lost this patient today,” she added.
“Focus on your work,” I said coldly. We are not done yet, and we are still dealing with the patient.
She didn’t talk afterward until everything wraps up. I asked the intern to speak to the patient’s family and informed them that the surgery went successfully. I was dead tired when I get out of the operating room.
This is how my day went every time I get to join the surgery of Dr. Caserial. I massaged my shoulder as I felt pain there. Medyo nangangalay ang likod at ang mga balikat ko sa ilang oras na pagtatayo sa operating table.
“How was the surgery went?” Jenny asked me, full of hope in her eyes. . She was eating her instant noodle when she stopped midway and asked me a question.
Pagkapasok ko sa quarters namin ay ito agad ang ibinungad niyang tanong sa akin.
“Successful,” I simply said, feeling tired. I sat beside her and lay my head on the table. I sighed deeply and closed my eyes when a single tear fell from my eyes.
I should be happy. The surgery went successfully, and Dr. Caserial managed to save the patient despite my incompetence earlier. But because of what I had done, we almost lose the patient. One single mistake I made earlier can lead to its death.
Dang it! I’m such a cry baby!
“It’s successful, yet you don’t seem happy,” puna ng kasama ko.
Marahan kong pinikit ang aking mga mata at pinunasan ang mga luha. Mabuti at hindi ako nakaharap sa kaniya at panigurado akong hindi niya ako tatantanan kung bakit ako umiiyak.
“I’m just tired, Jen. May mga hahabulin pa akong ibang cases mamaya,” I said with my eyes closed, still not facing her.
Nakatungo pa rin ang ulo ko sa mesa at pinikit ang mga mata. I am exhausted from everything. The cases we handle every day, the neverending complain of some patients, and sometimes, we couldn’t control what’s happening inside this hospital.
Basically, the hospital is our home already. I can’t even go home every day because sometimes there’s an emergency happening. Kahit na pagod ka pa ay wala kang magagawa kasi kailangan na kailangan ka ng mga pasyente.
They need us more than they do. They need us to take care of them to get rid of their pain. Patients need doctors.
And there’s always some misconception about us—doctors. Some people thought doctors just embezzle money for every surgery they get. They don’t really know the struggle behind it. They don’t know how much the doctor works hard to save the patient inside the operating room.
And most significantly, they don’t know how nerve-wracking it to be in the operating room opening of a patient’s body.
They don’t know how hard it gets to operate on a patient. Doctors are always doing their best to save the patient as much as they could.
And to judge us based on quantity was too much for a doctor who worked really hard. And when I get to work in this field, those misconceptions about us won’t really end because people were just going to believe what they wanted to believe.
And I learn it that way. They won’t really believe it until you showed them to them. That’s why I wanted to break those misconceptions about us by making them believe that not all doctors are what they think.
“I sometimes wonder if I had really taken the right path. Does being a doctor was really meant for me? Considering that I always dealt with patients,” Jenny suddenly shared.
I shifted my head on the other side so I could face her. She played the chopsticks on her hand and twisted her tounge. Nang makita akong nakaharap na sa kaniya ay itinabi niya ang pagkain at tinungo rin ang ulo niya sa lamesa kagaya ng ginawa ko.
Now we’re facing each other.
“You’re here already. You’re a doctor already. What made you think that you’re not fit for this career?” I asked, creasing my forehead.
“I don’t know. It just popped up on my mind out of nowhere. Sometimes, I really do question my skills and capabilities. Truth to be told, I envy you,” she confessed.
I laughed at her remarks at me. Envy me? Ano ba ang ka inggit-inggit sa akin? For me, there’s nothing that she should be envious of. Just like her, I am also working hard.
I worked hard to be where I am now despite the struggles and pain I have dealt along the way.
And feeling envious of someone was just a piece of shit. Instead of being envy why don’t you just work on yourself to be better? Rather than being envious changed it to be an inspiration. Make that person inspiration for you to get better—for you to strive hard.
“Envy me? What were the things you’re envious of about me?” I pointed to myself.
She pointed at me and stated, “You…being passionate about your work.”
I laughed at her. She remained silent.
“You, being envious of me is pointless. I am passionate because this is what I loved to do,” I commented, “you don’t need to feel envy about me; you just need to change your mindset. Train your mind that you are what you are,” I added.
My phone vibrated inside my pocket. Hindi ko iyon pinuna at tinuloy ang pakikipag-usap kay Jenny.
“And don’t doubt about being a doctor. You’re here today standing because you are chosen one. You’re here standing because you’re made to save lives and to end their sufferings. And that’s being a doctor. Doctor Jenny,” I tapped her back before I stormed out into that room and proceeded to what I need to do.
“Theresa, 52 female. She has a history of hypertension and was treated using continuous positive airway pressure(CPAP) for her sleep apnea. Her medical history stated she has angioedema and is treated with angiotensin-converting enzyme inhibitors,” the intern recited to me while we’re on our way to the patient’s room.
“Before she went here, she underwent some numerous surgical procedures,” she added.
“Like what?” I asked, seriously.
I was walking very fast, and she was following me half-running while reciting the patient’s history to me. I checked what she said in the patient’s chart to make sure she was reciting it right and make sure she had done her part as an intern.
“Extirpation of the uterus, removal of a tumor in her lumbar area, removal of a tumor on her right thigh, and removal of tumor also in her left arm.”
“What’s her diagnosis?” I finally asked and stopped in front of the door.
“There’s a cardiac tumor revealed in the apical portion of her left ventricle. About 35x35 mm tumor jagged edges,” mabilis na paghinga niyang sagot sa akin.
“In her ECG results, it shows that she has a metastatic course of leiomyosarcoma,” dagdag niya.
“And you get to explain to the patient her condition well. Make sure that you will not hurt her feelings and understand the procedure well,” I lastly gave the task and open the door.
“Good morning, Mrs. Velas,” I greeted. Kasama niya sa loob ang kaniyang asawa na nginitian din kami.
“How are you feeling?” I asked and went near to her. She was lying on the bed and smiled as soon as she saw me.
“Better than yesterday, Doctor. Vasquez,” she responded with a smile lit on her face.
“So? How’s my test result?” she immediately asked.
“We found a tumor in your left ventricle,” I started.
“So, I need to have surgery?” she calmly asked.
“There’s a common tumor that can be found in the heart. It’s called cardiac myxomas. Usually, those kinds of tumors are benign that can cause morbidity and mortality. Mainly those kinds of tumors can be found in the left atrium of the heart; however, they can also grow in any chamber of the heart,” the intern started explaining her case.
“But having a tumor in the left ventricle was extremely rare,” she added.
Nakikinig lang si ang mag-asawa sa mga sinasabi ng intern. The fear was visible on her husband’s face the moment we revealed that there’s a tumor in her heart. While Mrs. Velas face remained calm as if she was expecting it to happen.
“And as we process some cardiac diagnostics test, we found out that the tumor in your heart wasn’t usually the common tumor. Your ECG results revealed that you have a leiomyosarcoma,” she added.
“Anong ibig sabihin po ng leiomyosarcoma?” her husband asked halata ang takot sa mga mata.
The intern looked at me, asking if she was going to spill it already. I nodded in approval.
“It’s a rare type of cancer in the smooth muscle tissue, honey,” she answered the question of her husband.
“I studied medicine when I was younger that’s why I know,” she told us.
“It’s cancer, and we need to get rid of it,” I butt in.
“We need to conduct the procedure called a cardiopulmonary bypass (CPB),” I said.
“The machine will temporarily take over the function of your heart during the operation to maintain the circulation of blood and oxygen in your body,” I explained.
“Are you going to operate on me, Doc. Vasquez?”
I politely shook my head and answered, “No. Mrs. The chief surgeon in our department will be the one to operate on you, but I will be present during the surgery.”
“I understand Doc. Vasquez. I will discuss this with my husband first, and we will heads up you on our decision,” she said.
I took a glance at her husband for the last time before we went out into the room. The intern heaved heavily sighed as if the thorns in her heart were getting picked one by one.
“I’m kinda nervous earlier, Doc. I don’t know how to deal with the patients,” she confessed to me. “There’s a huge difference in practicing with a mannequin in med school and facing an actual patient,” she added her hands were shaking.
“That’s a thing you need to learn and practice,” I said and left her.
I finished my rounds with the intern around 11:00 am. It’s lunchtime already when Renaissa suddenly called me while I’m on my way to the emergency room.
“Dr. Vasquez,” she called my attention.
I turned around and saw her raising her brow and grinning at me like she’s teasing me. She was walking near me still with a grin on her face. Her two hands were in the small pocket of her lab gown.
“My patient in room 188 needs you,” bungad niya agad sa akin.
I rolled my eyes at her. “I’m busy,” I told her.
“Asus. Pa kunwari ka pang busy pero alam ko naman na gusto mo ng makita. You stayed there yesterday, right?” she teased.
“Whatever, Doc. Villarde. I won’t go there,” pagmamatigas ko.
“Kawawa naman ang bebe loves mo. Walang bumibisita sa kaniya.”
“The heck?! Anong pinagsasabi mo?!” hindi ko napigilan ang pagtaas ng boses ko.
Her eyes widened, and her mouth slightly open. I looked at her with a questioning look. What is she talking about? My best friend was spitting nonsense things.
“Hindi pa kayo nagkabalikan?”
“Bakit kami magkakabalikan, ha? At saan mo nasagap ang impormasyon na ‘yan?”
She slapped her forehead and sighed like a drama queen. I rolled my eyes again because of what she did. “You really are busy, ‘no? You’re all over the news in this hospital!”
“What?!”
Chismis? What the heck? Ito na nga ba ang sinasabi ko ang ma chismis dito sa loob ay iyon ang pinakaayaw ko sa lahat!
“Yes! Kalat na kalat dito kung paano ka raw binuhat ni Dr. Sandoval sa parking lot at kung paano kayo nagbabangayan dito sa loob,” she explained.
“That’s why I assumed that you went back together, considering also how you react when I told you that he got into an accident.”
“You’re assuming things. We just talked. And how come I didn’t know about these?”
“You seriously sometimes need to loosen up from work. Dahil masyado kang busy sa pagta-trabaho hindi mo na alam laman ka na pala ng chismis.”
How come I didn’t know about this? Bakit hindi ko man lang iyon napansin pagkatapos ko sa isang surgery kanina? Ang bilis kumalat ng pinanggagawa ni Reeve sa akin ha.
Ganito ba talaga siya kasikat dito sa loob at halos lahat ng galaw ay may nagmamasid? We’re not a student anymore, yet the way the nurses and interns praised him was like a university student who couldn’t get over their unrequited love.
“I’m sure you will end up together again, so I am not assuming things. Nakipagpustuhan pa ako sa mga kaibigan natin at alam kong ako ang mananalo,” she said, laughing, “and after you finished your work, check on your bebe loves there. Baka mabaliw na ‘yon doon sa loob ng silid niya.”
“Then he can just go to his office!” I protested.
“He’s a patient today, and he needs some extra care. I’m sure that extra care I am talking about wasn’t care from a doctor but care coming from his loved one,” she said and left me here hanging.
Tsk. Ano namang gagawin ko doon? Now that we talked and already explained his side, I see no reason to go there anymore. At isa pa hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin ko sa pag-amin niya sa akin.
Hindi ko alam kung paano ko siya haharapin ngayong alam ko na ang katotohanan.
I know that he’s been vocal about his feelings for me ever since we met again, but his confession yesterday feels different that left me in awe. I can’t even find the right words to respond to him.
My feelings didn’t change over the past years, and my heart clearly knows whom it’s beating too. But I didn’t mention it to him. Everything went too quick that I couldn’t even prepare.
And I also don’t want to get rushed. I want to take everything slowly between us. Kahit na alam ko na ang katotohanan kahit na hindi niya naman talaga ako niloko ay ayoko ko pa ring magpadalo-dalos.
What he did leaves a scar on my heart. It made me afraid to commit again. Like I was back to my old self again. To that younger teen who’s scared of being in love who’s fearful of entrusting her heart to someone cause it might get pain again.
Kahit na ganoon ang nararamdaman ko ngayon ay alam ko sa sarili at sa puso ko na siya pa rin ang tinitibok nito. Sadyang takot lang talaga ako sumabak sa relasyon ulit. Takot lang akong ibigay ng buong tiwala ang puso ko.
And they can’t blame me for being like this. I just want to protect myself and my heart from being in pain—from getting hurt. As much as possible, I don’t want to involve in a relationship right now.
I want to build a barrier between us.
And before I knew it, I was here in his room taking care of him. Ang sinabi ko sa kaibigan ko na hindi ako pupunta dito ay kinain ko rin. Kanina pa ako sa dito sa loob kasama siya at wala kaming ginawang dalawa kun’di ang magtitigan lang pagkatapos ko siyang bigyan ng pagkain.
“How’s your day?” deretso ang kaniyang mga titig sa akin habang tinatanong niya ako.
And just like before, the reaction of my heart was getting abnormal again. I avoided his gaze and pretended that I was looking at the wall clock.
In my peripheral vision, I saw him smiling. My face started to heat up on what I was doing. Tanga, Henzy sa daming titingnan para ibaling ang attensyon ay sa wall clock talaga?
“I-t’s fine,” I stuttered.
Dang it! I wanted to slap myself because of my reaction in front of him! Kailan pa ako nahiya sa harapan niya?! Dati ang tapang-tapang kong ipagtabuyan siya ngayon naman ay parang pagong na ayaw magpakita ng dahil sa kahihiyan!
What happened to you, Henzy?!
“My Dr. Vasquez was getting embarrassed,” he teased.
And because of what he said to me, my head automatically shifted back and gave him a dagger look.
“Since when did I became yours?!”
“I’ve been yours the moment I met you,” he said, thoughtfully.
“You’re dreaming. No one owns anyone,” I rolled my eyes to him and stood up when he held my hand that made me stopped.
He looked at me with full of tender in his eyes. My heart started to race faster with those looks in his eyes. The look in his eyes was directly saying to me that I should also look to him. Kaya ay hindi ko nagawang iiwas ang tingin ko at nakititigan din sa kaniya.
“What?” I spoke.
He closed his eyes for a moment and opened it up again. He heaved a sighed before he speaks.
“I know what I have done was unforgivable. It leaves you doubt again. It leaves a scar on your heart, and that scar will stay forever,” he stopped midway.
My breath hitched, unable to grasp what was happening. Hindi ako nagsalita at hinayaan siyang magpatuloy.
“I also know that I don’t deserve your love because of what I have done. But I promise to be better. I promise to be better for you to love me again. I will earn your trust again, Neve. I will earn the trust you lose and prove to you that I always loved you.”
“R-reeve…”
“I know that my words were not enough to convince you. And you lose your trust in me. I will bury the scar I left on you. I am willing to embrace them all, Neve. I am willing to carry the burden of my mistake, and that’s by proving to you how much I loved you.”
“Neve, Will you give me a chance again?”