CHAPTER 58

Chapter 58

Star

I didn’t lie. I tell what I had to tell. I don’t want to be unfair to him. But, even if I still loved him, I am just scared of committing to things again.

I knew the moment when he confesses his love for me after we deeply talked was also the moment he will ask for a chance again, and now the time has come. It just didn’t occur in my mind that it will be this fast. I didn’t even prepare myself for this situation.

“I’m scared,” I confessed.

I didn’t bother looking at him. I was just here standing, tapping my fingers on my lap as nervousness crept inside me. While he was still holding my right hand tightly. I can feel how deep he stares at me. And every time I can feel it, the raging of my heart won’t stop, and I was also getting nervous and nervous as every second passing by.

He smoothly squeezed my hand that made me looked at it. “Look at me, Neve,” he softly muttered.

The softness of his voice was like music to my ears that made me follow him. At sa pagbaling ko nang tingin sa kaniya ay ang mga matatamis nitong ngiti ang bumungad sa akin.

I blinked several times to confirm if what I saw was really true. Kung nginitian niya ba talaga ako. I blinked for the last time and saw that his expression remained.

The smile he gave to me reaches his eyes.

“I know, Neve. I know you won’t be ready because of what I did to you. I also know that it won’t be easy for you,” he commented with a smile on his face.

I bit my lower lip first before I speak, “Then why?” I almost whispered.

“I ask permission to you to give me a chance, but it doesn’t mean that you will answer me right away. I am not rushing things between us, Neve. I want everything to take slowly, so don’t rush yourself just because I asked,” he answered.

Pero paano kapag hindi ko siya mabibigyan ng sagot? Paano kapag hindi pa talaga ako handa kahit anong gawing paghihintay niya? Kasi kahit na mahal ko siya ay hindi ko pa rin alam kung ano talaga ang gusto ng puso ko.

I don’t understand myself. There’s a part of me that I want us to be back together, yet the fear of loving again would always consume my heart. I don’t want to feel this way that’s why I also don’t want to rush.

“W-what if I can’t give you the answer?” I looked away again after I said those words.

“I will still pursue you, Neve. I will pursue and court you until you’re ready enough to answer me. I just asked permission for you to know that I am going to use my chance again—that I am going to do my best to be worthy for you again,” he answered with all his heart. He was still squeezing my hand gently, “even if your heart is empty now. Even if you don’t know what to do. I won’t rush you. I am here always waiting for you,” he added that made my heart race like crazy.

“Just let me… let me pursue you. Let me show you my sincere heart. Let me show you how much I love you until now, and if the time you have an answer—no matter how your answer will be, I will gladly accept it with all my heart. But, for now, let me enjoy pursuing you,” he continued.

He just like before, when he courted me. He’s always patient when it comes to me. He’s always soft when I am with him. I guess some things didn’t really change huh, no matter how hard you are trying to change for the better. After all, there are still changes that don’t suit you, and much better for it to stay that way.

He was hurt because of me. He suffered from pain because he has left no choice, and yet, he will always choose to come back to me.

“How’s your feeling?” I asked after a moment of silence between us.

Bumalik ako sa pagkaka-upo at kinuhanan siya ng pagkain na hanggang ngayon ay hindi niya pa rin ginagalaw. I don’t know who put it there or who visited him basta may pagkain na lang nakapatong sa side table doon.

They are fruits,s actually.

“I am okay, and I asked Dr. Villarde to discharge me,” he simply answered.

“Yeah, you should. You still have patients to deal with and some surgeries waiting for you,” I awkwardly uttered.

“I want to be on the same operating table with you again, Dr. Vasquez,” he suddenly stated that made me coughed.

Umangat ang sulok ng mga labi niya sa reaction ko. I felt my cheeks heated up. Remembering my first operation with him. His fast hands that day suddenly entered my memory. I was in awe that time when I witness how natural and quick hands he has when he operated on the patient. Even Dr. Caserial praised him in the middle of the surgery because it has no mistakes at all.

And him wanting me to be on the same operating table made me doubt my skills as a doctor, remembering what I had done to my last surgery.

“We already are.”

“I want to do it again with you. I want to witness your passion at that operating table. The eagerness you did to save the patient. The burning eyes when you’re holding the scalpel. I want to see it. I want to witness it with my own eyes again, Dr. Vasquez,” mahaba niyang wika at hinuhuli ang mga tingin ko.

“I want to save lives with you,” dagdag niya.

The overflowing beating of my heart won’t stop. Mabuti na lang at hindi masyadong halata na kinakabahan akong kaharap siya. I am trying to find a word to speak so that this conversation won’t end and it wouldn’t be awkward, but the more I think of what to say more I couldn’t think of the right words.

And in the end, I accidentally opened up the topic that heaved my heart.

“We almost lose a patient today,” I brought up, “and if it wasn’t because of Dr. Caserial, that patient might be dead by now,” I added.

“We aren’t saint, Neve. Doctors aren’t saint. We do our best as much as we could to save the patient. But please do note that we are also ending their pain. We aren’t just saving lives. We also end their suffering,” he consoles me.

“And patient also plays a big role to us. If they want to live, they will fight, just like how we fight for them to live. And if they want to give up, they will give up no matter how hard you’re trying to save them,” he said, trying to make a point.

I wonder if he also loses a patient. Before he has his fellowship, does he also experience pain by losing a patient he takes care of? By witnessing his own eyes, how the patient stops breathing. Did he ever experience those?

“Naranasan mo na ba ang mawalan ng pasyente?” I state what’s on my mind.

I’m sure he hasn’t. He’s wise and meticulous in everything he does. I even heard that he gets full praise when he’s still an intern for doing a good job.

“I did, Neve. I told you, we’re no saint. We are human too,” pag-aamin niya.

My mouth slightly parted when I heard it from him. Did I describe him so perfectly that I almost forgot he’s human too? I never thought he will also experience those.

When I became an intern losing a patient is what I most feared off. And until now, it still scares me. I was living in a perfect mindset that I should save a life and forgetting that not all the time, success will be on my side. I was living in it that I forgot I make mistakes too.

That I will also have to deal with failure.

“So, if that still bothers you. Always remember that we make mistakes too. Doctors aren’t perfect.”

Those were the last words I embedded in my mind before working again for that day.

I was busy dressing a patient’s wound when Jenny, who happened to be in another bed also dressing a wound, talked to me about the widespread chismis in this hospital. We were almost done dressing, and I put a bandage on my patient when she brought up the topic.

“What’s going on you between Dr. Sandoval, Henzy?! Kayo ba? Omg! Ba’t ‘di ko alam?!”

I was done explaining to the patient what to do with his wound after a few days when I stood up and left Jenny with her patient also. I went to the nurse station and asked for the patient’s condition I was taking care of.

“Nakainom na po siya ng gamut niya. Doc. And she’s getting better also,” she reported. I only nod and check the chart.

“She can be discharged after three days,” I said.

Nang akala ko nakalayo na ako kay Jenny ay narinig ko na naman ang boses nito.

“Hey! Ang daya mo iniwan mo ako roon at hindi sinagot ang tanong ko!”

I laughed, “I still have some works to do.”

“At least answer my question! Since I’ve heard it last day, I’ve been dying to ask you that question!”

“Rumors are rumors. What you heard isn’t true,” I honestly said to her.

We were on our way to our quarters to have some short rest, and she still keeps me bugging it. I didn’t lie, though. I told her the truth. Nothing is going on between us, and people should seriously need to do research before spitting some nonsense rumors.

“Wehh?!”

“You asked, and I gave you the answer. It’s up to you if you will believe it or not,” pagod kong sabi.

I looked at my watch, and it’s already midnight. My shift was almost done, and I badly want to go home. I just prayed nothing would happen tonight, so I could sleep peacefully on my bed.

“Pero ba’t kayo na chismis kung ganoon?! Ikaw ha, baka nahihiya ka lang sabihin sa akin,” pamimilit niya.

I rolled my eyes at her. I would have told her the truth if the rumors were true. I am not lier nor secretive. When they asked, I always tell the truth. Yet every time I say the fact, they wouldn’t believe me. Mas paniniwalaan pa nila ang chismis kesa sa pinagchi-chismisan.

“Ikaw bahala kung ano ang paniniwalaan mo. Kung paniniwalaan mo ang chismis o kesa sa pinagchh-chismisan,” I shrugged my shoulders and opened the book, “if your mind wouldn’t be at ease, then ask Dr. Sandoval and see for yourself,” I added.

“Ito naman! Siyempre I believed you. Sadyang hindi lang talaga ako makapaniwala na magkakilala kayo,” she pouted.

“Hindi mo man lang sinabi sa akin”

“You didn’t ask though,” natawa ako.

“You know, Henzy. I did really consider you as my friend in this working field, so I have to be honest with you!” may halong excitement sa boses nito.

“Honest?” my forehead creased.

Tumango-tango siya na parang bata, “Yes!”

“Then spill.”

“I have a crush on Dr. Sandoval!”

Wala akong kinakain pero nabilaukan ako sa sinabi ni Jenny.

“Really, huh?”

“Yes! Though I know he’s hard to reach, and I know he likes you. Pero crush lang naman! Duh?”

“How do you know he likes me?” hindi ko mapigilang itanong.

“You’re so dense oh my gosh!”

“Bakit ba?” nakakunot kong noo tanong.

“He always laid his eyes on you, girl! Akala ko nga napapansin mo at mas piniling ‘wag pansinin. Hindi ko akalain na hindi mo talaga napapansin!” her tone was getting higher and higher.

“I am busy working!”

“Nye, nye mo!”

I really didn’t know. I was too mad to even look at him at that time. Kaya hindi ko napapansin. Hindi rin sumagi sa isip ko na ganoon siya ka obvious at nahuli pa siya ng residente niya. Kaya naman pala kung makalat ng chimis ang iba ay walang tumbas dahil na rin sa mga tingin niyang pinupukaw sa akin.

“To tell you the truth, he’s my ex,” pag-aamin ko.

Malapit na siyang mahulog sa upuan niya sa bigla kong pag-amin sa kaniya. Nanlalaki ang mga mata nitong tiningnan ako. Nakaawang din ang bibig niya at umiiling-iling pa ito.

“’Di nga?!”

I nodded timidly and confirmed it again, “Yes.”

“Wow…”

Natawa na lang ako sa reaction niya pagkatapos kong sabihin iyon. I honestly don’t plan to tell her about this, but she did really consider me as her friend, so I touched by her words and decided to tell her the truth.

I don’t want to be unfair to her now that she’s also telling me the truth. So, as much as possible, I don’t want any lies. I want to be true to myself to the people around me.

Reeve got discharged and went back working again. Maraming natuwa sa pagbabalik niya na akala mo ay ilang taon talaga siyang nawala. Karamihan sa mga natuwa roon ay ang mga babaeng nurses. I rolled my eyes for the nth time when I heard a compliment again on how handsome Reeve was.

I was in the nurse station checking the status of my patient when I heard them giggling. At mas palakas nang palakas ito kaya ay nag-angat na ako nang tingin sa kanila.

My brows furrowed, and I smirked at them, “This patient needs to be treated with antibiotics after lunch. Go and prepare them now. And also, this patient needs to be drawn her blood. I want the samples done before lunch,” I ordered.

Pero parang wala sa mga huswisyo ang kanilang ang pag-iisip dahil hindi naman sila nakatingin sa akin at panay ngiti pa sila.

May narinig akong tumikhim sa tabi ko kaya ay natuon ang attensyon ko dito. I rolled my eyes in annoyance when I saw him grinning, holding a cup of coffee in both of his hands. Kaya naman pala panay tili ng mga nurse dahil papalapit pala siya dito.

“Kapeng malamig para sa mainit mong ulo, Dr. Vasquez,” he playfully mumbles before handing me the iced coffee.

Seryoso kong tinanggap ito at binalik ang attensyon sa trabaho. I heard him whistled playfully before he left. Iniwan ko ang mga nurse roon na panay tili kay Reeve.

I just hope they will keep in mind what I ordered them.

This has been the routine of Reeve every day. He will personally greet me with coffee and sometimes flower publicly. Kaya mas lumalala lalo ang chismis sa aming dalawa.

Reeve seemed to not mind about it. Kaya ay hindi ko na rin pinansin. Bahala sila kung ano ang gusto nilang isipin sa amin. Kaya lang mas umaabot sa kabilang department ang chismis na pati ang mga kaibigan ko ay nabalitaan na rin.

“So you’re back together!” Althea hysterically said.

“Hindi nga!” I annoyingly denied it in front of them.

Currently, we’re having lunch together with my friends. At kanina pa rin nila ako hindi tinatantanan sa mga tanong nila tungkol sa amin ni Reeve.

“Edi ano ‘tong pa flowers at pa kape niya sa’yo araw-araw kung hindi pa kayo nagkakabalikan, ha?” Zenneth said, smirking.

“At laman kayo ng chismis sa kahit saang department! Kaya hindi kami naniniwala na hindi pa kayo nagkakabalikan!” Hannah butt in.

“Pa misteryoso pa kayong dalawa masyadong pa showbiz relasyon niyo!” si Renaissa.

Napabuntong hininga ako at napapikit dahil sa kakulitan at kagustuhan nilang malaman kung ano ang namamagitan sa amin. I can’t even eat properly because of their nonstop question.

“Kailan lang kayo nagkabalikan?! Bakit hindi mo sinabi sa amin?!”

“Akala ko ba galit ka sa kaniya eh bakit may pa comeback pa kayong nalalaman?”

“Lumambot ba ang puso mo pagkatapos mo siyang makita ulit?!”

Hinampas ko ang mesa kaya napatalon sila sa gulat. Mariin ko silang tingnan bawat-isa. They shut their mouth because of my sudden outburst.

“Goodness… Hindi kami nagkabalikan okay? Walang kami…” I clearly announced.

“Those flowers, chocolate, coffee, meal, or whatever you heard about the rumors were true, but we’re not back,” I explained.

“Eh para saan pala ang lahat ng iyon kung hindi kayo nagkabalikan?” Althea immediately asked.

“That was his way of pursuing me again,” medyo nahihiya kong pag amin sa kanila.

“Pursue?!” sabay nilang tanong.

I nodded shyly, getting embarrassed. Mabuti na lang at walang halos tao dito sa canteen at hindi kami naka-agaw ng attensyon.

“Bakit hindi mo pa sinagot kung ganoon?” my best friend asked.

“I am scared of committing again,” I almost whispered.

I heard them sighed and started eating their food. “We understand your feelings. Hindi biro ang pinagdaanan mo kaya alam namin pino-protekhan mo lang ang sarili mo,” Renaissa said.

“But, I can sense to him that he’s sincere of winning you back. It just a matter of patience because what he did for you leaves too much pain in your heart,” Zenneth added.

“We’re not rushing things. He actually wanted me to take my time. I explained my side to him, so he understands it. He just really wanted me to allow him to pursue me even if my answer for him were still unclear,” I told everyone.

“Then he will wait. Just like what you said, he will not rush things for both of you. So take your time, and don’t be pressured,” Hannah said.

“Everything will fall into its place as long as you wait. Beautiful things bloom when it’s their season,” Althea thoughtfully said.

Pagkatapos namin kumain ng sabay ay balik trabaho na ulit kami. Hindi ko na rin nakita si Reeve sa hapon na iyon marahil ay maraming ginagawa kasama si Dr. Caserial. Umabot na ng gabi ng hindi ko namamalayan ang oras.

I was really hoping I could go home today. I almost spent my entire week here in the hospital. Gusto ko ng magpahinga at matulog ng marangal. In the last section of this floor, I saw a place where I could rest for a while.

Humikab ako ng maramdaman ko na ang antok at pagod. Nang ipipikit ko na ang mga mata ko ay biglang nag vibrate ang cellphone ko kaya naalimpungatan ako.

Unknown number:

Are you tired? Do you want to unwind first?

Kahit na hindi naka rehestro ang numero sa phone ko ay alam ko kung kanino galing ang text na ito.

Me:

We’re still at work. Baka bigla akong tawagin ng mga intern.

Unknown number:

They will call you ahead of time when there’s an emergency. Pwede tayong lumabas muna at mag pawala ng antok.

I smiled unconsciously. So, this also his part of pursuing me. I replied, okay, and I will be out in a minute. I told my intern to call me when there’s an emergency.

Hindi naman siguro kami lalayo at alam niyang kahit anong oras ay pwede kaming tawaging dalawa. The hospital was calmed tonight. It was a rare peacefulness I witness starting when I work here.

Palaging busy at punuan ang emergency room simula noong nagtrabaho ako dito. Ngayon ay medyo kumalma. I am glad that the staffs handle it professionally when there’s storm after storm coming.

Pagkalabas ko ay ang malamig na simoy ng hangin sa gabi ang bumungad sa akin. My coat was getting blown by the wind, and the strands of my hair were getting into my sight as the wind blow again in a much more intense manner.

Napapikit ako dahil para akong hinehele ng hangin dahil sa lamig na dala nito. Pagkamulat ko ng mga mata ko ay ang ngiti ni Reeve ang bumungad sa akin hawak-hawak ang dalawang kape na naman sa kaniyang mga kamay.

“How’s your day, my Dr. Vasquez?” abot langit ang kaniyang mga ngiti.

I rolled my eyes and smiled sarcastically, remembering how nurses giggle at him, “What do you think my day will go, Dr. Sandoval?”

“You jealous?” ngisi niya.

“Asa!” inismiran ko siya.

Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko at iginiya sa isang garden dito sa labas ng hospital. Merong pahabang upuan doon at doon kami umupo. I looked above and witness that there’s a lot of stars shining in the dark clouds. Kaya kahit gabi na ay maliwanag pa rin dahil sa mga bituin sa taas.

“Lights shine the most when it’s darkest,” I randomly muttered while looking up at the sky.

“Hope comes at darkest moments,” he said. I felt him staring at me when he said those words. My heart was at it again, beating so fast.

Simula noon hanggang ngayon siya lang ang nakakagawa nito sa puso ko. It was telling that my heart has found its owner. Kahit na wala naman siyang ginagawa ay ganito na lang maka react ang puso ko.

I drank the iced coffee he offered me, feeling nervous because of his stares. Binalik ko ang tingin sa mga bituin and witness how they spark brightly. I unconsciously smile when there’s one star that shines the most. Malayo siya sa mga ibang bituin na kumikislap.

It was sparkling on its own.

“That star, far from other stars, shines the most,” turo ko sa kaniya sa isang bituin na napansin ko.

Pero hindi niya man lang tiningnan ang tinuro ko dahil hanggang ngayon ay sa akin pa rin siya nakatitig. At kahit na ganoon ang ginagawa niya ay nagpatuloy pa rin ako sa pagsasalita, hindi inaalintana ang puso kong malakas ang tibok.

“That one star was telling us that we shine the most even without others,” I mumbled.

“No, that one star was telling us that we shine the most if we prioritize ourselves,” he whispered huskily. My breathing hitched when I can feel his breath near my ear.

He’s right. We shine the most if we prioritize ourselves. And prioritizing yourself has never been wrong. Because the more you care for yourself, the more you grow and bloom—just like how that one star shines on its own brightly.

And I think that was the lesson we learned in our relationship. Our love alone wasn’t enough for us to shine together. We need to grow apart and be better for ourselves.

We are not who we are today if it wasn’t because of the wrong decision we made in the past. In that mistake, we learn to grow and be better.

Now, we shine brightly.

And now, I understand what he did to me. It was so selfish of me to blame him when he just did it for my sake. Kahit na sinabi kong kakayanin ko basta kasama ko siya ay alam kong masasaktan din ako. If that picture spreads, those judgments I will be receiving will scar my heart also. At alam kong itatago at itatago ko pa rin sa kaniya kahit na masakit.

And the more I keep it as a secret, the more I keep lying to our relationship.

“Thank you, Reeve,” I started. Huminga ako ng malalim bago nagpatuloy sa pagsasalita.

“I understand it now. Thank you for saving me that time. Even though it will break you, you still did it for my sake. I know you just want me to protect me from the harsh judgment I will be receiving if that happens. And thank you because of that, I also learned that I need to be vigilant with the people I’m around,” I continued.

“And you keep your one promise to me, and that was to protect me.”

“What I did was a mistake. It’s a product of wrong decisions. I understand you also, Neve. I should have to trust you at that time. I should have told you, but because I was blinded by fear, I didn’t and kept it to myself,” he replied softly, almost whispering to my ears.

“You don’t need to thank me for that, Neve. I did it because I want to protect you. And I will always protect you. I am your knight, remember? And you’re my queen, and queen should be protected all the time,” he added.

“That’s all in the past, Neve. Let’s all forget it and move forward. The important thing is we both learn from it—I learn from it,” wika niya.

Wrong decisions were not failures. It’s a lesson that we learned off. It’s an indication that in life, we aren’t always making the right decisions. And life will not spoonfeed you with happiness—you must find that happiness.

“Ako dapat ang nagpapasalamat sa’yo,” sabi niya.

Nang hindi ko napigilan ay hinarap ko na siya. At nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa kung gaano ka lapit ang mukha namin ngayon. Tila ay hindi man lang siya nagulat sa distansya ng aming mga mukha.

I didn’t blink even a bit. Mas lalong lumalakas ang tibok ng puso ko. Biglang napadako ang mga mata ko sa mapupula at mamasa-masa nitong mga labi.

“Thank you because of you, I am here where I am now. Thank you because of you, I reached my dreams. Because of you, I learned to fight for what I really want.”

“You’re the star that shines brightly in my life Neve. Always remember that,” he then kisses the top of my head.

“You’re the star, Neve,” he finally said after kissing my forehead.