Chapter 59
Never change
I need to clarify things between Ry and me. Simula nang tinanggihan ko ang kaniyang nararamdaman sa akin ay hindi na siya nagpapakita pa at hindi niya na rin ako pinapansin. Kung magkikita kami sa hospital ay siya ang kusang iiwas sa aming dalawa. Hindi naman ako makahap ng tiyempo na makausap siya dahil sa tuwing binabalak ko ay busy din siya.
He’s drifting away from me. I don’t want to lose the friendship we build for ten years. I want him to talk to me and be honest with me. Now that I need to clarify one thing from him—that came really from his mouth.
Iyon ang bumabagabag pa sa isipan ko. Hearing from Reeve what happened before wasn’t enough for my mind to be at peace. Naabutan ko siya sa hotel noon katapat ng hotel room kung saan ko nakita ang sarili ko. Bakit hindi niya agad sinabi sa akin ang totoo.
Why did he lie? At ang pagsunod ba niya sa akin sa ibang bansa ay may kinalaman din dito?
And now I will make sure that I will talk to him in person. To clarify things between us. To know what really happened that time.
And now the time has come.
“Ry, I want to talk to you,” I held his wrist that made him stopped.
He was wearing his eyeglasses and holding a chart reading something. Kanina ko pa siya hinahanap dito sa loob at sa wakas ay nagpakita na rin siya sa akin.
“For what?” I can sense the coldness in his voice. He can’t even look at me straight in the eyes.
“For a lot of things,” I replied.
“Did you two got back together?” he slowly asked, a hint of bitterness in his tone.
I shook my head and answered him, “We’re not.”
Hindi pa kami nagkabalikan kasi may kailangan pa akong gawin. I need to finish this business before jumping into another business to avoid confusion and conflict within myself. I need to settle this thing first so that I could really breathe without a doubt in my heart anymore.
“I’m sure you heard it from him then. Is that what you wanted to talk about?” he asked, taking already a hint of what was going on.
Inayos niya ang kaniyang suot na eyeglasses at tinakpan ang chart. Huminga siya ng malalim at hinarap na ako ng tuluyan. Ngumiti siya pero hindi umabot sa kaniyang mga mata. Malayong-malayo sa ngiti niyang binibigay sa akin noon.
“After my shift is done, let’s talk, and I will tell everything,” he told me and walk out.
I was anticipating this day to come. To have a formal talk with him, hoping he would tell me everything. Na hindi nagsisinungaling sa akin. And I hope I would clearly know the answer from him.
I told Reeve about this. At first ayaw niya na makipag-usap ako sa kaniya. He thinks that Ry is not good for me. But I needed this. I needed to clarify and settle things between us. I need to hear him out. That’s why he let me. Hinding pwede kay Reeve lang na kwento ang pakikingan ko.
I want to know both sides, if possible, I also want to talk with his mother in person.
Tinapos ko ang lahat na pwede kong tapusin sa araw na iyon. Bukas pa matatapos ang shift ko kaya isisingit ko lang sa oras ko ang pakikipag-usap sa kaniya. I don’t want to miss a chance again now that he willingly wanted to talk to me.
I discussed the last case with Dr. Caserial and the team for today before I leave to meet Ry.
“What do you see on the radiograph?” Dr. Caserial asked.
“There’s a massive left pleural effusion in his . I can also see that he has an aortic arch aneurysm surrounded by a hematoma. It already spread around his aorta to his mediastinum,” I speak after I observed the patient’s condition, “and that was making his vital unstable,” I added.
“When he was admitted here, he already had chest and back pain. And when I examined him, his heartbeat was 80 bpm, and his blood pressure was at 117/67 mmHg,” I informed them.
“We need to perform a surgery on this one,” Reeve said. I looked in his direction. He was squinting his eyes and observed the radiograph correctly, “thoracic endovascular aortic repair procedure,” he added.
“The patient is 80 years old. Considering his age and his tolerance in performing surgery, I think it might be hard for him,” I mumbled.
“Yeah, that’s why we need to do a stent grafting. Since the aneurysm was located on its aortic arch, we need to land its proximal end on the ascending of its aorta,” he suggested, still squinting his eyes.
“So, what do you suggest?” I asked, creasing my forehead.
“We’re doing the TEVAR procedure using the chimney graft technique,” he finally said.
“Chimney graft technique is less invasive, and it has low mortality rate,” I seriously said.
He nodded accordingly and hum, still looking at the radiograph.
I heard someone cleared their throat. Nagkatanginan kami ni Reeve bago ko pinagmasdan ang mga kasama namin.
Dr. Caserial was just watching us two exchanging conversations on this case. I can also feel the stares of the intern and clerks at us. Bigla akong tinablan ng hiya sa katawan ng ma-realize ang ginagawa naming dalawa.
“Good observation, Dr. Sandoval and Dr. Vasquez. However, you forgot to include us in your conversation,” may nakakalokong ngiti kaming tiningnan ni Dr. Caserial.
“I’m sorry, doc. I just want to make sure what I am seeing is right,” Reeve apologized.
Yumuko ako at kinagat ang ibabang labi, feeling shy now. I almost forgot we’re not the only ones who are in this room. I was caught up in a moment and enjoy exchanging conversations with him.
I have never done it before when we’re talking to a cases like this. Palagi lang akong nakikinig sa kanilang dalawa ni Dr. Caserial at kung kalian lang ako kakausapin ay doon na ako magsasalita. And now that we’re both in it again, I was just caught up in the moment; that’s why I almost disregard others.
“Nah…it’s okay. You two have a good point, and you’re right we need to use the chimney graft technique,” Dr. Caserial agreed.
I took e step backward when Dr. Caserial called the two interns and asked for something. Nang lumabas na sila ay napansin ni doc ang pananahimik ko kaya naman ay ngumisi ito lalo sa akin.
“You both needs to get married,” he casually said.
“Po?!” gulat ko siyang tiningnan na nanlalaki ang mga mata. Tiningnan ko si Reeve na hinawaan na ata ng ngisi ni Dr. Caserial dahil nakangisi na rin siya ngayon.
“Ang bagal mo naman Sandoval,” sabi pa nito kay Reeve.
“Ahmm…i-it’s not what you think about us, doc,” I stuttered and looked away.
Why am I even explaining?! I can’t believed na ganoon na ang iniisip niya sa aming dalawa. Ni hindi ko pa nga sinasagot si Reeve ay kasal na agad ang iniisip niya para sa aming dalawa. I didn’t even think about being married until I entered my fellowship!
Nasa sa first-year residency pa lang ako at marami pa akong gustong gawin sa buhay ko bago magpakasal! Marriage isn’t on my list yet!
“I don’t want to rush here. I want her to think carefully in that kind of situation, doc,” ngisi niya at tiningnan ako, “pero kung ako papipiliin ay pwedeng-pwede ko na siyang pakasalan right here right now,” he added while looking at me straight directly in my eyes.
My face heated, so I had to look away. I bet my face is red as chili right now at dahil nang-iinit rin ang aking pisngi.
Paano napunta sa kasalan ang usapan na ‘to?!
“Oh, so Doc. Vasquez isn’t ready yet?” he asked and looked in my direction.
Pinanlikahan ko ng mata si Reeve at ang loko ay tumawa lang. Now I’m now on a hot seat with Dr. Caserial.
“Ahm… things were still complicated between us, and I don’t think it’s time for us to thank about marriage,” I honestly answered Dr. Caserial, “and besides, I still want to enter my fellowship before getting married,” dagdag ko pa.
I quite not sure if I answered it right, though. Sinabi ko lang naman ang katotohanan. Talking about being married just didn’t occur in my mind. It’s not that I don’t want to get married. It just that it isn’t my priority.
And like what I said, things were still complicated for both of us. He’s still courting and pursuing me, so I think that should be our focus first. I still need to figure out myself.
“You’re a career woman, doc. Vasquez. I bet Sandoval will be having a hard time waiting for you,” tawa ni Doc.
“It’s n—“ hindi ko natuloy ang dapat kong sasabihin ng pumagitna si Reeve.
“Waiting for her wasn’t a hard time for me, doc. I waited for her for ten years, and I wouldn’t mind waiting again for another ten years. Because waiting for her is always worth it,” his eyes were glued on mine as he said the last statement.
“And I will always make sure she will end up in my arms.”
Waiting for her is always worth it.
I will make sure she will end up in my arms.
His words were glued on my mind. Kanina pa ako hindi mapakali dahil pabalik-balik sa utak ko ang mga salitang binitawan niya kanina bago ako umalis doon. At kahit na hinihintay ko na si Ry sa isang café ay hindi pa rin ako tinatantanan ng mga sinabi niya.
“Damn it! Focus, Henzy… focus!” I scolded myself.
Aminin ko man sa hindi ay kinikilig ako sa sinabi niya. And hearing him say he will wait for no matter how long touch my heart. Possible ko pa lang maranasan iyon? Na may lalaking handa akong hintayin kahit gaano pa katagal iyon.
Ever since then, Reeve has always made me feel at home. Being with him always makes me at peace. He always made me special. He always makes me feel that I am the one. That no matter how rough the road is he taking is, he will always come back to me—and he did. He did come back to me.
Even when he encounters many struggles in his life, he still finds his way back to me.
And up until now, he still made me feel those feeling before.
He’s my home. My peace and comfort.
And I wonder if he ever feels that way to me too.
I was brought back to my senses when Ry entered the café. He’s wearing now his casual attire. He’s wearing red button-down polo and slacks. His hair was quite a mess, and he’s holding his bag in his right hand. When he got closer to me, his eyes were tired.
“I’m sorry, I’m late.”
“No, it’s okay. I just got too early,” I gave him a simple smile before he sat in front of me.
“You want to order food first?” I politely asked him.
“No. It’s okay,” he said casually.
Medyo kinabahan ako ngayong nasa harap ko na siya. Parang umurog lahat ng gusto kong sabihin sa kaniya.
Hindi ko alam kung paano sisismulan ang aming usapan dahil ngayon na lang ulit kami nagkaroon ng ganitong interaksiyon. He’s always avoiding him in the hospital, and seeing him closer like this made me nervous.
I don’t want to be awkward around him. I still consider him my friend, so I should act normal, yet I don’t know if it was the right thing to do in front of him. I didn’t even know if he still considers me his friend, especially that I rejected his feelings for me.
“So… how are you?” I casually asked him.
“I’m trying to be fine after you rejected me,” he honestly replied.
Kinagat ko ang labi ko at pinagsilop ang kamay sa ilalim ng mesa. I knew it… it wasn’t okay for him to meet me. It was still hard for him to see me up this close.
“I’m sorry, Ry,” I sincerely apologized with all my heart, “I’m deeply sorry,” I added.
I couldn’t think of the right words to console his feelings. Tanging ang paghingi na lang ng tawad ang kaya kong ibigay sa kaniya. I don’t think talking much more about rejecting him will only cause him more pain.
At hindi ko pwedeng dayain ang sarili ko kung alam ko naman sa sarili ko na wala akong nararamdaman sa kaniya. At kapag binigyan ko siya ng pagkakataon ay alam kong mas masasaktan pa rin siya. Doble pa ang sakit na mararanasan niya kesa ngayon.
The only thing he needs to do was move on and look forward.
“You don’t have to. It’s my fault for falling for you that deep. It’s my fault that I didn’t try to move on knowing that you have someone in your heart,” the sadness in his voice was evident. When he looked at me straight in the eyes, it screams pain.
“It was just kind of unfair for me. I was in your life first. I met you first, yet you already fall for the guy whom you just me. Kung hindi ko tinago ang nararamdaman ko sa’yo noon at kung lumapit ba ako sa’yo noon ay possible ba ako ang mamahalin mo?”
“Is that the reason why you keep following me way back in college?” walang pagdadalawang isip kong sinabi sa kaniya.
I saw him stunned in his seat. His eyes widen at what I just mentioned. Pero hindi nakalipas ang ilang segundo ay bumalik din siya sa dati.
“So you knew,” he said, almost whispered.
“Yes, Reeve told me…”
“Is this what you want to talk about?”
Umiiling agad ako. This is not the main reason why I wanted to talk to him. Kaya ay agad ko ng sinabi sa kaniya ang pakay ko kung bakit ko siyang gustong makausap.
“Why did you lie to me?” I bluntly said, facing him with seriousness.
He laughed at my question while I remained the same. Hindi ako nagpadala sa mga tawa niya. I know he knows already what I am talking about.
“I want to know the truth, Ry. I want to hear the truth coming from you,” seryoso kong saad.
“Bakit hindi mo agad sinabi sa akin na sinet-up tayong dalawa ng ina ni Reeve? Bakit sa sampung taon na magkasama tayo ay nagawa mong ilihim lahat ng iyon sa akin? At higit ano ang utang na loob mo sa ina niya?” sunod-sunod kong tanong sa kaniya.
Humugot siya ng hininga bago nagsalita. “I guess I really have to be honest with you. No matter how I tried to hide the truth from the more, it will come out on its own.”
“I badly want to tell you that time, Henzy. That exact day where you found me in front of your room. Kaya lang….” he stopped at the middle.
“Kaya lang ano?” nakakunot ang noo kong naghihintay na magpatuloy siya.
“I was torn… between you and my family,” nakayuko niyang sabi.
“Family?” I asked again, confused.
“I was being manipulated by his mother. My mother works in their firm here. I was never born with a silver spoon, Henzy. I am the firstborn of the family. Kaya kailangan kong magsumikap para maabot ko ang pangarap ko at para mapakain ko ang pamilya ko,” pagk-kwento niya.
“When my mother got ill, and that time you met me in the hospital during your clinical. Wala kaming pambayad sa hospital noon kaya kahit anong trabaho ang pinasok ko habang nag-aaral para lang may pambayad ako sa hospital.”
Nakikinig lang ako habang nag k-kwento siya. I know he wasn’t born rich. I know also he struggles financially, even before when we were in Junior high school. But because of his brilliant mind, all his tuition at that time were all free because of a scholarship.
And him telling his story to me, I think I know where this is.
“To make the story short, I met his mother. At that time hindi ko pa alam na siya ang ina ni Kyzyr. They helped us financially. At doon ako nagkaroon ng utang na loob sa ina niya,” he paused for a while.
“I thought that time she helps me willingly, but I never thought that she help me because she has an intention,” he continued.
“Kapalit ng tulong niya ay ang pagsunod ko sa anak niya at i-report ang bawat galaw sa kaniya. That includes your relationship. Akala ko hanggang doon lang gagawin ko sa kaniya. Ang sundan kayong dalawa hindi ko alam na may plano rin pala siyang siraan kayo gamit ako.”
“My mother got promoted on her work. Nagiging maayos na rin ang takbo ng buhay namin at ang lahat ng iyon ay dahil sa kaniya. She helped my family, who’s innocent from her evil heart. Walang kamalay-malay ang ina ko na ako ang naiiipit sa sitwasyon namin.”
“Bakit hindi mo sinabi kay tita ang totoo? Na lahat ng tulong na ginawa niya sa inyo ay may kapalit?”
Umiling siya at malungkot akong nginitian, “I don’t want to ruined the happiness my mother felt that time. Ayaw kong ipagkait ang kasiyahan na ‘yon sa kaniya. Kasiyahan na hindi niya naramdaman simula noong ipinanganak kami. That’s why I hid it myself.”
“Hindi mo ako masisisi kung bakit ko ginawa ‘yon. It was for my family, Henzy. Minsan lang makaranas ng ganoon ang pamilya ko at ayaw ko iyon ipagkait sa kanila kaya tiniis ko lahat ng mg utos ng ina niya sa akin.”
“Ilang ulit niya na akong inuutusan na sirain ang relasyon niyo at ilang ulit na rin akong tumatanggi sa kaniya. I can do the job she wanted me to do, except ruining your relationship. Hindi ko kayang manira ng relasyon, Henzy. Hinding-hindi kahit na mahal na mahal kita at gusto kong mapasa akin ka…” he trailed off.
And that day… that exact day, I fell from her trap. Hindi ko alam kung bakit galit na galit siya at ayaw niya sa’yo para sa kaniyang anak kaya ay tinanggihan ko siya ng ilang beses sa araw na iyon. At sa araw na iyon ay bigla akong nawalan ng malay pagkatapos kong inumin ang kapeng binigay niya sa akin,” he explained.
Nanlaki ang mata ko sa narinig sa kaniya. That was also the time I met up with her. I met her morning that time, so she probably met Ry after I met with her!
“And when I wake up, I was in the same room and same bed with you,” mahina niyang wika.
“Bakit hindi mo agad sinabi sa akin? Noong araw na ‘yon?”
“I wanted to, Henzy… I wanted to… but I was just torn. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin. When I wake up, I called her. I was furious because she did that. At sinabihan ko siya na sasabihin ko sa’yo ang totoo. Pero nakalimutan kong hawak niya na ako sa leeg.”
“Once I will tell you the truth babawiin niya ang lahat sa pamilya ko. Sisirain niya ang imahe ng ina ko at mawawalan ako ng scholarship program sa paaralan. Lahat ng iyon ay kayang-kaya niyang gawin in just a blink of eye.”
Hindi ako makagalaw sa kinauupuan. I am trying to process everything he revealed to me. She did the worst thing ever. Dinamay niya pa ang pamilya ni Ry sa kagustuhan niyang paghiwalayin kami ng anak niya.
She almost ruined them.
Hindi dahil may pera siya ay kaya niyang baliktarin ang lahat.
Ganito ba talaga ang nagagawa ng pera?
“I was trying to find the right time to tell you, but then you left after the funeral of your mother. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko sasabihin ang totoo sa’yo. And when I got the offer to study abroad ay tinangap ko agad iyon ng walang pagdadalawang isip, hoping I could find you and finally tell the truth.”
“At nang nakita na ulit kita ay akala ko masasabi ko na sa’yo ang totoo. But seeing you trying to move on from your past made me back out. And I thought telling you the truth would only make it worse for you. That’s why I keep it not until this day came.”
“I sincerely apologized for not telling you the truth. I apologized for keeping to myself. I was being selfish, and I deserved your hate,” he just bowed his head while talking to me.
I don’t know what to say after hearing his side. I was just looking at him blankly, unable to open my mouth. I was trying to process everything.
Ganoon ba katindi ang galit niya sa akin at nakaya niya pang mandamay ng tao?
“Henzy?”
I blinked my eyes and flashed a smile at him, “Thank you for being honest with me, for telling the truth. I am not mad at you. Gusto ko lang malaman ang totoo galing sa’yo.”
I checked my wristwatch. Kailangan ko ng bumalik sa hospital.
“I think I need to go.” Tumayo ako at akmang aalis na ng bigla niyang hinawakan ang kamay ko.
“Henzy, wala na ba talaga?” mahina niyang wika.
I slowly let go of my hand on his grip and answered, “I’m sorry, Ry. Siya lang talaga.”
Bago pa ako tuluyang umalis ay bigla siyang sinabi.
“Even if his mother was the reason why your mother died?”
I stopped and looked back at him.
“My love for him will never change,” I finally said before walking away from him.