Epilogue
In your arms
“Congratulations for passing the board! You’re now a doctor, finally!” Joana happily greeted me and gave me a flower.
“Congratulations, bro!” Xypheir and Tristan said in chorus.
“Finally, you have reached your dream,” Andrew said and tapped my back.
Iyan ang bungad nila sa akin pagkatapos ng oathtaking naming mga nakapasa sa boards. After years of struggle from college to med school, I finally made it. Those sleepless and restless nights, tiresome days, and efforts I had before finally paid off. My hard work finally paid off despite almost giving up in my life.
Despite the tragedies I encounter, I still can’t believe that I really made it.
Kyzyr Reeve L. Sandoval, MD
I am now a doctor.
I already achieved one of the biggest dreams in my life, and I should be happy about it. I should be celebrating this successful event and moment in life. My friends were celebrating my success. They are much happier than I am.
Ngunit taliwas sa dapat kong maramdaman ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. I am happy, yet not to the point that I should celebrate it. I am happy, but it didn’t reach my heart.
I am happy for the sake of being happy because people around me were happy. I am happy, yet I couldn’t feel the real meaning behind it. It was a feeling that I need to be obliged. An obligation that I need to feel because this is what people around me really feel.
But not for myself… Ever since that day, I forgot how to be happy anymore. I forgot to feel what happiness is really is. I both lose of them. I both lose the very important person in my life.
My sister.
Her.
I both lose them because of the decision that I made because of that stupid decision. And starting that day, I am not obligated to feel happiness anymore. I am more obligated to feel sorrow and pain because it is what I deserved.
As an asshole man, I deserved all of those sufferings.
Despite what I really feel inside that day, my friends throw a celebration party for me.
“Congratulations to Kzyr Reeve L. Sandoval! You are finally a doctor!” Andrew opens a bottle of champagne, and it suddenly pops. Dahil sa akin nakatutok ang alak ay medyo nabasa ako ng bumukas ito.
Andrew immediately put wine in our glass and tossed it together. Tuloy-tuloy ko naman itong ininom at nang nakita ng kaibigan na wala ng laman ay agad na nilagyan na rin ito.
Other’s were happily celebrating my success at the party. Naghihiyawan sila at walang sawang bumabati. May iilang lumalapit sa akin at binabati ako at ginagawaran ko sila nang ngiti.
Nagsasaya na ang iba naming kasama samantalang ako si Xypheir at Joana na lang ang naiwan sa lamesa. They are both drinking at nangangalahit na ang black label sa lamesa namin.
Kahit na hindi mawari ang nararamdaman ko ay nakisabay pa rin ako sa gusto ng mga kaibigan ko. I know they did this because they know I won’t celebrate it.
I have no one to celebrate for. It’s just my name that has an MD in the end. And I have no reason to celebrate it. My family isn’t here to celebrate it with me. They didn’t even know that I passed… and have my oathtaking.
Siguro kung may nakakaalam man ay ang kapatid ko. I know she witness it all above. And I hope she’s happy there. That her kuya is finally a doctor.
Khlea… if you’re seeing this. I hope you’re happy. Your kuya is already a doctor—a person you wanted me to become. I can finally save lives… I can finally save you if you’re still here…
But…
The girl I wanted to be in front of me to celebrate my success isn’t here in front of me. She left me. They all left me because of what I have done.
I can’t blame her… I hurt her. I caused her pain, and I deserved it. I deserved every painful word she said. At kahit anong gawin ko ay hinding-hindi ko na mababalik ang nakaraan. Hinding-hindi ko na mababalik pa ang pagmamahal niyang binigay sa akin.
Isinandal ko ang likod ko at ipinatong ang kaliwang kamay sa sofa samantalang ang isang kamay ay hawak-hawak ang basong may laman ng alak.
Nilagok ko ito ng deretsuhan at napansin iyon ng kasama ko dito. After I drank it, they poured it again on my glass.
“You’re not happy,” Joana said as she saw the feeling I was trying to hide inside because I don’t want to disappoint them. Nilagok niya ang kaniyang iniinom at sinalinan ulit ito.
“I am happy,” taliwas sa nararamdaman ko ang sinabi ko sa kaniya.
I drank again and poured another drink.
“Kung dati ay hindi ka namin nababasa ngayon ay nababasa ka na namin. You’ve become visible to us. You might fool others about what you feel, but you can’t fool us, Ky,” Xy has joined the conversation. He crossed his legs and drank his shot.
They got me. Hindi na lang ako kumibo pa at patuloy na nilalagyan ng alak ang aking baso. I don’t know how many shots I drank, but I started to feel dizzy.
And that is when I know that alcohol has really gotten into my system.
“I know they are happy for you, Ky. They are both happy for what you have become,” Joana softly muttered.
I closed my eyes when I started to feel really dizzy, and there’s a burning sensation I can feel in my body. Naiinitan na ako.
Natawa ako ng dahil sa sinabi niya sa akin. Happy? I don’t think so. She loathed me. Before she left, she despised me. She said things that really pain me. Tangina…alam ko naman na kasalanan ko at sa tuwing naiisip ko ang mga nangyari sa araw na iyon ay patuloy at patuloy pa rin akong nasasaktan.
The words she left to me that night were a knife that dug deeper into my heart. And it will be forever engraved. Kahit na nasasaktan din ako ng mga panahon na iyon ay nagawa ko pa rin siyang bisitahin pagkatapos ng burol ng kaniyang ina. I was still in grief on my sister’s death ay nagawa ko pa ring lumipad ng Pilipinas para makita siya.
That time… I wanted to explain myself. I wanted to beg in front of her. I wanted to say that I never cheated… I never did. I never faked my feelings for her. I never fall to her sister.
I tried to explain, but she shut me up. And left a word to me.
“Don’t come closer to me. Seeing you pains me more.” Ang makita ako ay masakit sa kaniya. Ganoon ka sakit ang iniwan ko sa kaniya.
“She loathed me.. how come she will be happy?” Isinandal ko na ang ulo ko sa sofa tuluyang nilamon ng alak ang sistema.
“She loathed you because she believed that you really did that to her. Kung hindi ka sana gago at hindi nag desisyon ng padalos-dalos ay hindi sana aabot sa ganito ang sitwasyon mo,” Xy suddenly scolded me.
Natawa ako sa. Naalala kung gaano ka galit niya akong binigyan ng isang malutong suntok. He really thought that I did it to her. He really thought that I cheated to her if Joana didn’t explain things well.
Pero kahit na pinaliwanag na lahat ni Joana sa kaniya ay nakatikim ulit ako ng malutong suntok sa kaniya dahil sa desisyon na pinili ko.
“You do stupid things when it comes to protecting your loved ones.” Ang tanging nasabi ko lang sa kaniya noong araw na nakatikim ako ng suntok.
“I know right? Ang gago ko eh,” was only I can say. Unable to think the right words because of drunkenness.
Pero kahit na tinamaan na ako ng alak ay patuloy pa rin ako sa pag-inom. Hindi alam kung ano ang rason ng paglalasing ko. Kasi hanggang ngayon nasasaktan pa rin ako sa ginawa ko noon. Nasasaktan pa rin ako sa mga nangyari kahit ilang taon na ang nakalipas.
Hindi ako maawat ng mga kaibigan ko sa tuloy-tuloy na pag-inom at panay pa ang order ko kaya umuwi ako ng lasing na lasing. And the only thing I remember that night was my dream about Neve happily smiling and congratulating me.
Sa sobrang pagkalasing ko ay inakala ko na totoo ang lahat. At nakalimutan na kahit kailanman ay hinding-hindi iyon mangyayari.
“She didn’t proceed to med school after she graduated from her nursing course. Instead, she pursued her degree,” Dr. Vasquez informed one time when he called me to have a cup of coffee.
The one who constantly updates me about Neve whereabout in other country is his stepfather. I don’t know why he’s doing this to me, even if he knows what I did to her daughter.
But hearing him telling me what Neve has done for the past years was already enough for me. I couldn’t see her, and all I can do is listen to what he will tell me about.
“Why are you doing this to me, Sir? You’re not mad at me of what have I done to your daughter?” Hindi ko na napigilang itanong.
He sipped on his coffee formally before answering me. “When you’re in love, you did the stupidest way to protect your loved one. I did this to you because I know that you two still love each other. It just that my daughter was blinded by her anger to you.”
“And I hope when she comes back in time, you will make up of your mistakes to her.”
At simula ng araw na iyon ay may balita ako palagi sa kaniya. Walang pinapaglagpas na kahit maliit na impormasyon si Dr. Vasquez. Even if it is small details ay sinasabi niya sa akin.
Right after my college years, I immediately went to med school. And when I am in med school, Neve was a nurse in Seattle. I had my internship, and Neve already entered med school. At kapag sinabi kong kahit na maliit na detalye ay hindi pinapaglagpas ng kaniyang ama ay kahit pati ang palagi nilang pagsasama ni Ry ay naririnig ko.
“Fuentabela has been offered a scholarship at the university where Henzy at. Kaya palagi silang magkasama at silang dalawa ang magkakaibigan.”
I had no choice but to listen to all of it. Kahit na masakit… kahit na ayaw kong tanggapin na nakakalamang na siya sa akin.
Heck! Gustong-gusto kong ipagdamot ang babaeng mahal ko. Gustong-gusto ko na siyang sundan sa kung saan man siya ngayon at hingin ang kapatawaran niya. Pero alam kong malabo na mangyari iyon dahil galit na galit sa siya sa akin.
Kinamumuhian niyaa ako.
“You miss my best friend, ‘ano?” Renaissa bumped her shoulder to mine and smirked when she noticed that I spaced out.
I had my internship at their hospital branch here. At lahat ng kaibigan ni Neve ay dito rin nag trabaho. Kaya nakakasalumuha ko sila araw-araw dahil pareho kaming mga intern.
I sighed heavily and closed the chart I was reading. I need to report this to the in-charge resident to us. At bago pa ako umalis ay nag-iwan ako ng salita sa kaibigan niya.
“I always miss her..”
Ang tanging pahinga ko lang sa mga taon na iyon ay ang mga balita tungkol kay Neve minus that she’s always with Ry. At sa tuwing naririnig ko na palagi silang magkasama ay gusto kong sumabog. Gusto kong liparin ang Pilipinas at ang ibang bansa para kunin siya.
But all of that was just on my mind. Kaya sa tuwing makakarinig ako ng balita tungkol sa kanila ay binubugbog ko ang sarili sa pagta-trabaho hanggang sa makalimutan ko sila.
My last year of residency came, and Neve was an intern already. I watched her pictures wearing a hospital gown happily smiling on the camera even if she looks exhausted from work.
She made… she finally made. She already reached her dreams, and I am happy for her.
She’s finally a doctor. The woman I loved was finally a doctor.
“This surgery has a high mortality rate. We can’t do this procedure without a higher chance of survival..” Dr. Caserial said to us, the attending physician.
“It’s a risky procedure,” he added.
“What’s the success rate of this surgery?” I asked, creasing my forehead and recheck the ECG results.
“Ten percent success rate,” he answered me.
“We can do it… We can do it because there’s a ten percent survival. At least we have that hope,” matigas kong sabi at tiningnan sila ng deretso.
Dr. Caserial scoffed, “We can’t. We can’t risk the patients’ life here.”
“There’s a ten percent survival, doc. That ten percent survival could be our hope…”
“Are you willing to be responsible if the patient will die on the table?!” Dr. Caserial is getting annoyed at me.
“Are surgeons supposedly think of how their patient lives instead of thinking their deaths?” I asked, narrowing my eyes.
“It’s high risk! We can’t take a risk because it is not one hundred percent sure that the patient will survive! Ten percent… Dr. Vasquez.. ten percent,” he’s getting annoyed at me now.
“We’re surgeons… we always take a risk whenever we operate. Just because the survival rate was low, we are not going to do it anymore? So we are going to let the patient die without doing anything as their doctor?”
“Even if it is 0.00001 survival rate, we need to do everything we can because that slightest chance can be our hope too.”
That phrase… that phrase was always echoed in my mind when I am at the operating table. At dalang-dala ko iyon hanggang sa fellowship ko. It will be forever carved in my mind and heart.
“You’re a great doctor, Dr. Vasquez…” one of the residents complimented me.
“I don’t want to be great. Being a good doctor is enough,” I smiled at them.
Lahat ng mga iyan ay nanggaling sa kaniya. At sa bawat pag trabaho ko ay siya ang naalala ko. Ang mga katagang iyan ang naalala ko.
She never wanted to be a great doctor. What she always want to be a good doctor. And I am sure she is really a good doctor. And it’s true when we first met again at the operating table.
Her very first case as a resident. I saw her stunned at my presence. Ngunit hindi rin nagtagal ay balik normal na agad siya. But not me… it’s my first time seeing her for how many years.
My heart was beating faster, and I almost couldn’t concentrate working. Kinakabahan ako sa presensya na…
Ito na… ang babaeng mahal na mahal ko. Ang babaeng pinakahihintay ko ay nasa harapan ko. I am inches away from her. I could almost hear her breath, her smell, and everything.
I wanted to hug her so bad… Kaya pagkatapos ng operasyon na iyon ay hindi ko na napigilan.
“Neve…” I softly muttered.
Wearing her blue scrub suit, quite messy bun hair, and beautiful facial features were her almond eyes ranging from anger at me. I knew it… she will always be mad at me. Seeing me will always be pain for her.
Ngayong nasa iisang lugar lang kami ay alam kong hindi niya iyon matatanggap. She will always loathe me. But I don’t care… I don’t care about it all. She’s finally here… I can finally see her everyday.
Seeing her personally was already enough for me.
“I told you. You don’t have the right to call me that anymore! And what are you doing here anyway?!” she shouted.
My heart was crumpled. Hindi ko akalain na ganito pa rin kalalim ang pagmamahal ko sa kaniya. Na kahit masakit ay ayos lang basta nailabas niya lahat ng hinanakit niya sa akin.
Loving her was painful, yet at the same time, it’s beautiful. Possible pa lang makaramdam ng sakit at kasiyahan sa iisang tao. That what Neve would always make me feel the moment she’s back.
I always looked at her without her knowing. Finally, I tried getting near to her, but she will always avoid me or shouts at me. And that time, I wanted so bad to explain myself to her. I wanted to tell her the truth.
Pero hinding-hindi ko magawa dahil palagi niya akong iniiwasan at palagi siyang galit sa akin.
My mere presence was making her annoyed. At ako rin… ang makita siyang palaging kasama si Ry ay ikinagagalit ko.
Ako dapat iyan eh… ako dapat ang nasa tabi niya. Sa akin sana siya nakikipagtatawanan, nakikipagbiruan. Tangina… selos na selos ako.
Sa tuwing nakikita ko silang magkasama ay dinudurog ang puso ko. Pero wala akong magagawa at panoorin na lang silang dalawa. Panoorin ang babaeng mahal ko na masayang kasama ang ibang lalaki.
“Pursue her again! Hindi iyong nakatunganga ka lang diyan.. It’s your chance!” sabi ni Joana sa akin.
She’s visiting her dad, and it was under my care. At ngayon ay kinukulit niya ako tungkol kay Neve.
“She’s mad at me,” simpleng sabi ko.
“Expected na ‘yon knowing na ginawa natin ‘yon sa kaniya. But it doesn’t matter! Explain and pursue her, Ky or else you will lose her again..”
“What if she won’t listen…”
“Alam mo, Ky? Gusto mo real talk?” she smirked.
“What?”
“Doctor ka pero ang bobo mo,” walang preno niyang sabi.
“You always take a risk when you’re on the operating table, but taking a risk to get your love back ay naduduwag ka?” nakataas niyang kilay sabi sa akin.
“It’s different, Joana... it’s different.”
“Edi duwag ka nga,” she bluntly said.
“Go and pursue my sister. Kung hindi siya ang makakatuluyan mo ay friendship over na tayo. Remember, may utang kapa sa akin? Galit na nga iyong tao sa akin ay mas lalo pang na galit ng dahil sa ginawa natin,” she joked.
“Pursue her or you will lose her again…”
At iyon ang tumatak sa isip ko. She’s right.. If I don’t move right now, I might lose her again without explaining things to her. She will forever loath me without clarifying everything.
Kaya kahit mahirap at kabado ako ay unti-unti na akong lumalapit sa kaniya. I am slowly exposing myself and my true intention to her. I started bringing her coffee and meals and some chocolate bars.
Pero lahat ng iyon ay tinatapon niya. At palaging tinanggap ang binibigay ni Ry sa kaniya. Nasasaktan ako sa tuwing ginagawa niya ‘yon.
But I didn’t give up… I still bring her foods kahit na ang palaging kumakain noon ay ang basurahan. At noong nasayangan na siya sa mga pagkain na tinatapon niya ay binibigay na niya ito sa mga kasamahan niya at sila ang kumakain.
She didn’t even taste the food. Deretso bigay lang agad.
That was the routine always. Kahit na puyat at pagod ako galing sa duty ay gumigising ako ng maaga para ipagluto siya. Kahit na alam ko naman kung saan ang patutunguhan ng pagkain na binibigay ko.
Hanggang sa hindi ko napigilan at napuno ako. Bigla akong naging gago sa harapan niya.
Inagaw ko ang chocolate bar na ibibigay sana ni Fuentabella sa kaniya. He’s fuming mad at what I have done, and when he’s about to punch me Neve suddenly held his fist. Napatingin ako sa kamay na hinawakan niya.
I clench my teeth, and my knuckles also turned into a fist. Damn it, baby… galit din ako pero bakit hindi mo hinahawakan ang kamay ko? Galit din ako pero bakit hindi mo man akong magawang pakinggan? Bakit hindi mo akong magawang pigilan?
Wala ka na ba talagang nararamdaman sa akin? Tuluyan mo na ba talaga akong kinalimutan? Kasi ako hindi eh… kahit kailanman ay hindi ka nawala sa puso ko.
Palaging ikaw… it’s you and it will always be you.
At parang sinaksak ako ng mas matulin na kutsilyo sa dibdib na tagos na tagos ng sinabihan niya ako ng masasakit na salita.
“It’s better to eat cheap products from a cheap person rather than eating food coming from trash like you…”
That’s it… she sees me as trash… Trash that could no longer be recycled.
But baby, I am willing to be trash if you will come back to me. I am willing to be trash in your eyes if that what you see, just let me explain things to you.
But that night… I couldn’t take the pain anymore and let alcohol drown the pain I am feeling. I was too drunk to determine what I am doing, but that time, all I care was Neve is in front of me.
Everything around me was blurry, but her face in front of me was clear. Pumikit pa ako ulit at baka sa sobrang kalasingan ko ay ibang babae pala ang nasa harapan ko at nag ha-hallucinate lang ako na si Neve ang nasa harapan ko.
And the moment I open my eyes, it wasn’t a hallucination. She’s here... she’s really here in front of me. Dahil hilong-hilo na ako at hindi ko na alam ang mga nangyayari sa paligid.
The next thing I knew I was sitting on a gutter here in the parking lot. Kahit na hilong-hilo na ako ay nagsalita pa rin ako.
“Neve…will you listen if I tell you?” Tears started to roll down my face.
At this moment, even if I was drunk, I wanted to explain myself. I want her to listen to me even just once. At kung pagkatapos nito ay galit pa rin siya sa akin at hindi niya pa ako mapapatawad ay lalayo na ako.
I just want her to hear me out…
Ngunit masyadong matigas ang kaniyang puso para pakinggan ako. Masyadong nabalot ng galit at poot ito. Ganoon ka lala ang iniwan ko sa kaniya para magalit siya sa akin ng ganito.
I was hurt too… I am in pain too.. nawala rin sa akin ang lahat. I lost my family, I lost her, but damn it… kahit gaano pa ako nasaktan noon basta mapakinggan niya lang ako ay ayos na ako.
I just wanted to be heard.
That night she exploded too. Nilabas niya ang lahat ng hinanakit niya sa akin. Ang lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman niya.
“You made me feel worthless. You made me feel like I am a piece of shit that can be thrown easily. Yes, right! You made me whole, you made me complete yet, you were the one who also torn my heart, and what’s worst is mas triple pa kesa sa nararamdaman mo. Mas triple pa ang sakit na naibigay mo sa akin dahil pinagkatiwalaan kita ng buo!”
Damn it… every word… every word she uttered right now ay tinutusok ang puso ko. Ang sakit… ang sakit na ganito ang ginawa ko sa kaniya na ganito ka laki ang pinsalang iniwan ko sa kaniya.
“Ang gago mo. Ang gago.”
“Alam ko.”
Nang gabing iyon ay tinanggap ko lahat ng hinanakit niya sa akin. Tinanggap ko na ang galit niyang hindi mawawala. Tinanggap ko ang pagkukulang ko at ang pagiging gago ko.
Why do we need to feel this kind of pain? Why do we need to suffer about it? Bakit kailangan lahat ay mawala sa akin? Bakit ni kahit isa ay wala man lang itinira? Kailangan ko ba talagang maranasan ang lahat ng ito bago ko makamit ang kasiyahan na hinihintay ko?
I just want to love. Gusto ko lang magmahal ng hindi nararanasan masaktan. Pero tangina… kung kapalit ng pagmamahal ang ganitong klaseng sakit ay sana hindi na lang ako nagmahal pa.
Kung sino pa iyong tunay na nagmamahal ay iyon ang nasasaktan ng todong-todo…
But then, love has always been like this. Love isn’t just about romance, relationships, and fairytales. Love will always test you. It always gives you pain. It will heal you, yet at the same, it can also destroy you.
Because love is a strong feeling. So strong that sometimes you can’t control it. And when you can’t control it, that’s when love will destroy you.
Love can break you, but it can also give you a lesson.