Chapter 63: Called it offending.
"Will..."
"I will be gentle..."
"William!!"
"I will pull out..."
"Uh—"
"A child wouldn't be such a bad idea at the moment..." He chuckled. Coming to halt but still entwined in between, her eyes went wide at the thought. This seemed to have William amused, he wondered if there was any angle or face that could ever make her look hideous, certainly not or maybe he was really deep in love. He never seemed to see any flaw, none at all.
"Did I say something wrong?" He asked when he saw a frown on her face.
As she wrapped her arms around his neck, she was quick to say... "No, nothing to worry about!" She tried to put it off but William could see that the thought of a child scared her to death. The thought of her being sad or uncomfortable made his erection immediately deflate. She felt it as they were still corkscrewed together in the most intimate way possible. Pulling out he laid beside her and pulled her into his arms as he pulled the sheets over their naked bodies.
"I would never impregnate you without your consent." He whispered. "Not again. If it happens, I swear it's not my intention—"
"I know..."
"So what's the matter?"
"I-i..." she stuttered a bit.
He waited for her to speak and just when it seemed as if she wouldn't speak. She went out with it. "I already am."
"What?" He asked a little surprised, a pet of him felt happy until he realized they had not been together intimately in years and this had been their first time. A frown immediately settled, somber taste on his lips not allowing him to speak.
"I'm already pregnant."
"Oh..." His somber blue eyes showed a painful flicker of affliction. "Why are you here then?"
There was awkward silence.
"Who is the father?"
"You wouldn't know him."
"I know every single person on this plantation, you better tell me who is the father?" He questioned fuming.
—
With that William immediately woke up. Coming into view with her, she was peacefully asleep. He knew he wasn't dreaming as soon as he saw her fully clothed. He figured it would always remain a dream, her lips puckered... he was tempted to lay a kiss on them. It was astounding how he had spent nearly six years without her, how he did it surprised him? Bitterness and anger drove him. He could only caress her cheek and nothing more. The temptation to kiss her was unyielding. An uncomfortable hard on made itself known. He gulped down, trying to compose himself. As if teasing him Panashe moved even closer to his chest. William could feel one of her breast pressed against him, her hand on his lower torso... soundly asleep. William breathed in, feeling very uncomfortable. She was so close, closer than anything but he could never have her. Her thigh then accidentally rubbed against his girth that was already pointed north. He closed his eyes, trying to put his thoughts in order. Looking for alternatives to move away, he somewhat liked the closeness. If he was aware of any truths, he knew if she moved against his manhood, he would burst with immediately effect. William knee that she had read his letter but there still was no response, he was dying for her to give him a chance. After everything he had done, overworked her while pregnant, he was well aware that she wouldn't easily give into anything with him. They never planned on sleeping in the same room but she always slept earlier before he could attempt to leave and when he was about to; she would ask him to stay.
Flipping her eyes open, still a bit confused with the hard body that she was comfortably laying against.
"Oh my goodness, I am so—"
"It's alright." William uncomfortably chuckled.
"I did not mean to... I swear."
"No need to worry."
"I will be on my way..." she muttered awkwardly. The look he was giving her, she knew that it was coming and she still had no answer for it. She felt as though, she loved his comfort and conversations but she did not want anything else. Not anything that labeled them as a couple or anything of that sort. Perhaps she was really damaged. At times, Panashe felt horrible knowing that his divorce had not been finalized infact he was still a married man but here she was being indecent with him further more, even if he was a single man. She did not want anything. She felt safe in his arms, his breath against her neck and the way he had a way of comforting her with soothing words. Her paranoia and nightmares seemed to be nonexistent with his presence.
"I had an awful dream." He let out just as she was taking steps further away from the bed. William always slept shirtless and his chest was distracting. Panashe couldn't look at him without knowing where to place her eyes. Knowing very well that he preferred to sleep with close to nakedness, she always made sure she was fully clothed to creat some sort of boundary.
When she did not reply, he continued. "I dreamt that you were in my arms... like we were before but naked." He smiled. Panashe could only think, he had a contagious smile. "I was on making love to you..."
"I think, I've heard enough." She stuttered a bit, trying to seem as if these words didn't phase her but they did. They made her heart rapidly escalate and she did not want that. It was something that she wanted to avoid. She felt the need to avoid feeling anything for him that would later put her in distress when circumstances changed.
"You told me you were pregnant but it was not mine."
Shocked by these words. Panashe felt as if she was reliving this all over again. Being wrongly accused of something that she had not done. It was a really sensitive topic for her. She then wondered if he was making up this dream or if he wanted to get a reaction out of her.
"What do you want me to say?" She questioned.
It was then and there when he realized maybe he should not have said anything. He had struck a nerve and reminded both of them the reason why they had been apart in the first place. The sore reason why things had turned out the way they did. With silence playing it's part Panashe then abruptly left for the en-suite. She felt as though he was accusing her of the same thing all over again.
—
Addie had not wanted to leave Panashe's side from the first encounter. Not that Panashe had any predicament with it, William did. He missed having Panashe in his arms, they couldn't have any moments alone. This was a good excuse for Panashe to keep a good distance between them. Their relationship was baffling, an unexplainable push and pull. Panashe trying her best to push him away and William trying to pull her back to him. It was never a force matter, he knew and understood that at times... she needed her space. Adeline had never had a relationship with her mother and now that Panashe had treated her in such a loving manor that she had never experienced before, she absolutely adored her. Panashe's skin color did not scare her as much as it used to during the first days. It was understandable that when you're taught and have never been in contact with a different race, you seem to have a stigma against them until you have your own share of experience with one of them. It's as if being told a certain dog is dangerous although you have never came in contact with the dog, you always take what people have said about this dog into consideration.
Adeline loved how Panashe combed her hair and made her feel very pretty. Her mother had been disappointed with the pregnancy from the start, it was hard for Lady Tracy to show any affection towards her own daughter. She always told herself that she would have been better able to love Adeline if she was William's. Lady Tracy always gave her daughter insecurities. She pointed out anything that she did not like with no food for thought that she was speaking to a child.
'Only negroes have brown eyes sweetie or the... poor.'
'I never actually thought one of my kids would have brown hair, it's oddly repelling.'
'For a child you're too hairy Addie...' She then lowered her voice. 'Like your bootless father..'
'There will always be prettier girls than you my darling. You will always need to go an extra mile to get attention. Although I could never relate, I was always a head turner.'
Adeline wanted to feel pretty and appreciated. For a six year old, standards of beauty shouldn't matter but Lady Tracy had already caused enough damage within her daughter. Panashe could only shake her head when Adeline explained the certain things her mother would randomly say without any further thoughts. It was really unfortunate that Adeline fell for Lady Tracy's horrid word of mouth. Panashe understood because when she was still seeing William behind her back; Lady Tracy would always make sure to throw a few heinous words that would leave Panashe thinking that she was never enough and would never be enough. She was at a point where she had stopped seeking validation, although it was with great effort. Her mother added onto it. She was happier when she had her expectations lowered to the bottom of a boot. Of course she had some expectations for her son but other than that she never allowed herself to indulge or think further than that. Reason being why she was absolutely astounded when granted her freedom.
"Christian is your son?" Addie asked curiously in her nightie.
"Yes." Panashe replied with a smile.
"How come? He looks very different... from you."
"He sure does!" Panashe added, a smile still on her face. She did not feel like diving further into this topic. Her son was just as confused as this little girl. It was within this moment that Panashe realized she owed it to her son to tell him the truth about his existence and how he came to be. There was no point hiding the reality that William was indeed his father. It would make the bond that William had already formed with his son a little rocky. Day by day, Christian recited the words that had left his grandfather's lips. It would be hard to ever paint William in a new light when his image as a father in Christian's life had already been tarnished. Regardless of the circumstances, it needed to be done.
She would tell her son the truth.