Chapter 64: Called it a sickness.
"You need to get over this fear of yours.." Hector said calmly as he cleared the table right after breakfast. It had been just the two of them in the dining hall. Panashe knew exactly what he was talking about but she did not want to indulge in self pity. Hector almost immediately took a seat beside Panashe and held her hand softly as he always did.
"You can not live your life forever as a nun. Life is very short and you have William, use him if you'd like. Let him cure your fear of penetration."
"I'm scared..." She whispered.
"I have done enough of an adviser and a counselor's job in the past years. Just have sex." He chuckled. "Very blunt and sounds deranged but the only way to face your fear and take back your power is to have sex. Who better than with William? This isn't for anyone but yourself. You can not continue being shaken or panicked everytime you wake up to William's hard wood." Hector then smiled, a sly smirk on his lips. "A totally dream, I presume. Only a fool would leave that man and run off into the bathroom like a virgin."
"If you like William so much then have him!!" Panashe said, a little jealous.
Hector then smirked. "I would darling, if I could exchange bodies with you... I would have ravaged him and let him pin me to the bed. Without any second thought, I'd let him ravage me until my feet wobbled at the thought of walking."
"That sounds... disturbing."
"Oh... I suppose he has only been nothing but soft with you."
"I'm confused?"
"I would suggest that... you let him spank—"
"Goodness, Hector!" Panashe said breathlessly, she was fighting to look displeased but the thought of it made her... feel very strange, she liked it? That seemed to be very indecent. Furthermore she felt self hate loathe in, why would she be all warmed up at the thought of William being rough with her when it was the exact thing those monsters did and it left her broken. Was this normal? Was she normal. She felt her skin crawl. Just what type of a person was she...
"Listen, I'm sorry that I have to use some degrading terms but it makes it so sexy and enjoyable. It's simply role play nothing more. Imagine this, You're naked, William is spanking your bare buttocks. Everytime makes contact with your skin, you yearn for him to touch you inbetween but he just never does. He tells you to go on your knees, his penis looks all ready—"
"No no wait, does he expect me to put it in my mouth?" She asked, disgusted.
"Where else do you think it's going if you're on your knees?" He asked rhetorically.
In a small voice, she asked. "Is that what you do... at those underground clubs."
"Enough about me, this is about you missy."
"This is your chance to control him because he is weak. You get ahold of his penis and give him a tease, a wet kiss on the tip, a little lick and you can feel it almost wanting to pulse out of your hand... ah ah ah do not make that face missy, it actually tastes really sweet... the precum that is."
Panashe suddenly craved this, she had lost her libido years ago. She squeezed her thighs together and felt a weird sensation. It stunned her because she had not felt this way ever since that incident. She thought she was broken, she had assumed that she would never feel that way again.
"Now here is the fun part. You have to play along, when William screws you while pulling your hair, touching every part of your body whispering... 'Cum for your master—"
"No."
"It's just role play."
"It's not just roleplay... I had to go through that once. I had to let him do whatever he wanted while I just laid there scared. For me to allow him to call me those degrading terms yet again will just bring me back to those memories that I'd prefer to have buried in my past. I had to be submissive even though, I did not want to or I did not quite like it. I had absolutely no say to what was being done to me. He owned me and I could not do anything about it. I liked it at first but not until it reminded me of how tragic my life once was and some women are still going through this everyday. This isn't for me. I could never allow any man to degrade me like that. Never again..."
Giving her a light squeeze of comfort. "Fine then let's continue with vanilla." He said.
"I'd really love that." Panashe smiled.
At the corner of the door, William was stunned. He was so stupid for thinking he had a chance with her after all those years of leaving and disgracing her. Panashe had found another and it happened to be a butler. He had been convinced that after that horrid incidence she had not wanted to have any sexual relations. The holding of hands and her saying she would love to, confirmed it. They continued, he felt as if his heart had been restricted off air and he needed to leave. Not wanting to listen to anymore that had to do with their sexual relations. It stung, she was an indeed beautiful woman. It would have been foolish of him to assume she would not be receiving the love that she deserves. He felt the urge to want to fire him almost immediately. William wanted the Butler gone but at the same time... he knew he could not yet again break Panashe's heart. What if she really loved him? He wanted her to be happy regardless even if it hurt to even process.
He wondered why she had not told him anything. Perhaps, she did not owe him anything especially not an explanation on her love life. He imagined that man... touching her and caressing her. 'Fine then let's continue with vanilla.' Was That what Panashe liked? Soft. They had done it a few times... maybe countless of times but that was years ago. He must have been deranged for constantly jerking off to over six year old memories.
A part of him wanted to fight for Panashe but what if she did not want to be fought for. It was very hard for him to imagine her with another man. He hated this possessive part of his own personality. There had always been something magical about their moments together. He loved watching the movement that went in between them when intimately entwined. It was like an artistic wonder. Her pussy dark and delicate, everytime he indulged her. He would open her up to the point at which he could see the pink inner lips throbbing for his touch. It was different, the way her dark skin contoured around his manhood like a pattern of pleasure and warmth. Perhaps he thought of himself as a fool for merely being turned on by that. Every part of her was simply majestic. The way she tightened around him like her life depended on it only to release him fully creamed with the proof of their ecstasy.Her flower so delicately small and closed off would always make him question if he could indulge her without breaking her or hurting her. The way her luscious wet lips stretched around him was a reminder that ofcourse she could. It genuinely surprised him and was always a huge wonder. The feel of it was out of this world, no wonder pulling out had to be the most pain excruciating scene, the thought of pulling out from the warmth that blankets the ecstasy that you both feel. The body designed to let the man finish inside for reproduction process, seemingly as if punishment from Mother Nature. It had a way of pulling you back with so much strength and tightness that it took so much to actually succeed. Furthermore cumming in the cold when she had been holding you tight and caressing you had to be the hardest. Not very enjoyable when you would rather be inside. It was worth it... the thought of even being inside even though having to cum in the cold. It was the little intimacy two people shared while entwined not the climax. The climax was simple a bonus if received in the warmth of the one not just anyone. It could be basic with just anyone.
A fetish for black women could have been what they called this but he thought he was whipped and full of infatuation for only one woman. Admiring the differences she made him feel during their most intimate moments did not make it a fetish. He could never look at any other black woman the same. Only her and that was his sickness.
He had not felt her warmth in six years and the thought of it made him shudder. The thought of her giving another man warmth made him shudder even more.